It happened again today. Another flashback, just more trauma. Reliving the “thing” I don’t want to think about, let alone discuss. But there it was. I think this whole experience is all part of reconnecting with the world. After a traumatizing event, it’s hard to be part of something. Because being part of something means exposure. Being vulnerable to more trauma again and never quite knowing when or where I’ll be drawn back into it for a moment, an hour, a day or more.
Luckily today was just moments but the lingering effect lasted much longer. I was taken back several years to just after my trauma. I was trying to make sense of the world around me. Always moving, never looking over my shoulder. Putting time and distance between me and “it.” Today it caught up with me though.
Unintentional But Still
I was doing routine things. At work, not really on guard. It’s a semi-warm day today so I didn’t wear stockings. My thigh tattoo was exposed. Someone saw it and commented and asked about it. Then the whole office was asking, surrounding, questioning. Then there I was, back in my trauma. Explaining what it was, why I got it. Who did it, when he died. All of it. There, at work and I said it all without batting an eye. I’ve come that far by the way. I was very proud of myself. I stood there and told the tale. Then I retreated.
I went to the washroom where no one was and I cried. I cried like I did when I got this tattoo. Like I do every time I spread more of him and feel his soul touch mine once again. The feeling I get when I’m back in my safe place, back when all of this never happened. When I took it all for granted. When I was whole and completely naïve.
Ending The Night
All I can say is tell the people you love what they mean to you because there may not be a tomorrow. Not for them, not for you. I know how cliché that sounds but for my husband it was true. Tomorrow did not come for him. So live like there’s no tomorrow. The one question I go to bed asking myself now is, am I proud of who I am and what I did today? If the answer is yes, then I sleep a little better. If not, then I hope there is a tomorrow that I can do better.
I’m sitting here watching a thunderstorm roll in. One of the subtle things I love most in this world. The smell of rain. The calm before the storm. Quick flashes of lightening and a glimpse of what’s coming. We never really know what’s coming though. Every moment, every day. Although it may be routine, somehow someway, something unexpected always pops up. This story is about the things I’ve said that really surprised me when I hear the words come from my mouth.
I had a conversation with another widow today. Her story was like others I had heard. Her husband died because of an illness. His death wasn’t quick. He didn’t want to leave and his leaving was devastating. They had been married a very long time. And in this conversation I had another revelation.
The things I’ve said since Eric left that I never thought would ever escape my lips. I’m speaking of the words I never thought I would ever say pre-trauma. I’m still surprised when something like “my husband died” rolls off my tongue. Another is “my life now after my husband passed.” Still the one that always stuns me is “now that I am single.”
What Still Surprises Me
I never thought I would be single again. That title eluded me for a long time. I was very reluctant to take it until it was forced upon me. Taxes and the IRS are to blame but I took it anyway. Now I bare it like a sign, or a badge. My heart will never be single. He will always dwell there, inside my soul even though outside we are no longer a couple.
This widow I spoke to today has been 12 years a widow and like me, she is choosing her own path. We didn’t speak about what her life was right after. But I felt we shared some commonalities. The pain in her eyes was still there and when she said “I’m 12 years, you are still new” I knew then, she had a perspective so I rebutted “time really doesn’t matter” to which she responded “no, it doesn’t.”
Time. Friend or Foe?
That right there. That was the moment that solidified everything I’ve thought up until now. Time does not heal all wounds, it just masks and allows us to cope better. Time allows experience to learn how to not say the things I think. So far, it’s taught me to hide everything inside better. Time allows me the learning to keep buried what needs to be and to be able to function in society again.
Right after Eric died, I spoke to a dear friend I used to work with. She too lost her husband suddenly to an accident two years prior. They are both young. She said to me “girl, it’s hard.” At the time I didn’t know what that meant. I do now. It is hard. It will always be hard. Coping, existing, living past the death and trauma of losing a life partner is hard. It’s a different kind of loss. Hard is the beginning, middle, and will ultimately be the end.
Preface: I wrote “Surviving Loss” six months ago. It truly is a piece on reflections. Where I was then is not where I am now. In six months, I have had two celebrations of life for Eric. I have journeyed to new places I have never been before. Seen things I’ve never seen and experienced things I never thought I would. Grief is still with me but I am in a different place with it.
When I reread this, I found meaning and a message I wished to convey which is why I am posting it even though it’s a little outdated for me. I hope you get something out of it too. Thanks for reading. xxooC
I Am Surviving Loss
It’s been 21 months since my life took a distinct and dramatic turn. Surviving loss means that today I find a completely different me after a year and nine months into this new life I did not choose. I’d like to say I’ve learned a lot since my husband’s passing in June 2020. Everyone calls me strong. I hate that word and I don’t especially like hearing it. I’m not strong, I simply open my eyes everyday. It’s something that must be done because there is no other choice for me.
What Surviving Loss Taught Me
I have struggled almost daily. Grief is a weird thing. I can’t say I understand it any more than the day this journey started. The one and only thing I am absolutely sure of now is, I am still here. I find ways to go on. With surviving any loss comes guilt. That I have also learned. How I deal with the guilt is what matters. At some point if I do not make peace with it, it will destroy the rest of the time I have left here.
Loneliness is another constant struggle of surviving the loss, especially the loss of a companion. I shared meaningful time and space with someone that no longer exists. Now these memories are mine and mine alone. New memories will not erase them or their impact on my life and soul.
Time does not heal all wounds. That saying is a myth and anyone who has lost someone closest to them knows this. Time in fact does heal quite a bit though as I think it has smoothed out my memories. Time allows me to perceive things just a little bit differently. Not so painful as when the event was first experienced. What I mean by this is, I move through time after loss, the event seems further away. As I put new memories and distance between the event and now, my brain somehow begins to interact differently with the world around me becoming more engaged and less stuck. However, the curious thing is that the pain remains. The pain is ever flowing like tidal waves against the beach. Sometimes the waves are small and other days they are big. It would be so nice to have a forecast.
Finding Self
My life has changed so much since that day. As time continues to move forward, the old me becomes less and less familiar. Would he recognize me now? I don’t know, as some days I do not recognize myself. I went through a period of self hate. Grooming habits were thrown aside and became of little interest. My thought pattern was, if I didn’t like myself, I didn’t want anyone else to like me either. But others close to me still, did in fact like me, and had lots of love for me.
My wise daughter once told me I should try to look at myself through my husband’s eyes. She was so right because once I finally could do that, my perspective changed. I loved this body I was given and I didn’t really want to destroy it anymore. After these revelations, I found a bit of joy visiting with my family and I could see they really cared about me, more than I cared about myself. This felt strangely comforting. Maybe that’s more healing.
I’ve read it takes 66 days to form new habits. I’ve also found this to be somewhat true. Trying to get back into the world around me has taken much longer however, practicing one new habit for several weeks has proven to be beneficial to my emergence from paralyzing grief. The smallest of things I considered a huge accomplishment at first. I started with simply texting, no phone calls. Just reaching out to my closest friends that were there for me in the beginning.
Finding Self Love
I also started practicing more self love. This phrase made absolutely no sense to me at first but it means caring for your body. The body still has needs. Food for sustenance, bathing for cleanliness and hygiene, the mind needs stimulation. Small things that felt good and brought a moment of relief from the intense pain. It all was hard at first and I took baby steps but over time, these small gestures of self care grew into love. I think I love myself more than I ever have in my life because I’ve survived this long. After being a couple for more than two decades, I have survived on my own and that is an accomplishment I never thought I would ever see.
Surviving Continued
I don’t have the answers. I’m not a therapist or a coach. I am only sharing my story. This is my story of grief and surviving loss. Just like every individual is different, every grief story is different. No two are alike. We may share some similarities but we are all different. I believe the key is finding what works to help navigate in the world around us.
Ultimately I will never heal, only learn how to be a functioning member of society again. I don’t believe the pain and sadness will ever go away but now my goal is to balance it with good. My husband would want this for me. I want to honor him and I want his memories to live on.
If you have lost someone, talk about them. Talk about the good times, the stories, their lives. If anything, I’ve learned grief will always be a companion but it doesn’t always have to be the derailing detour it tries to be.
As some of you know, and many of you don’t, I am a HUGE fan of electronic music of all genres. I discovered an upcoming show by a DJ I like and have seen before. He was coming to my old hometown of Bloomington, Illinois. So I bought tickets. The show was this past weekend.
This show was significant only in the fact that this would be my first trip back to Bloomington since last June. This trip was going to bring me face to face with my past and future.
Every trip I made back between June 2020 (when my husband Eric died) and June 2021 was super painful. So much so I just avoided going. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Bloomington/Normal and I enjoyed every day of the year+ I lived there. But going back to the place of my trauma brought up all kinds of painful memories.
But I decided now was time. Not to confront these emotions, fears, and trauma but the time to stop running from the slightest encounter with triggers. I’ve been in avoidance mode for far too long. I really didn’t give much thought to going beforehand. Anxiety and nervousness were there though. I could feel it rising.
The past
The trip turned out to be exactly what I needed for my future growth. While there, I was reminded of a time just after his passing. I visited a retail store from my previous employment to pick up a few things. Trying to get in and out unnoticed proved unsuccessful. While chatting with a man I had spent some time on the sales floor with, he retold the story of losing his husband.
I had heard this story several times in my previous retail life but now it meant something different as I listened intently. The story was now more personal and I could feel his pain in a very different way. I was still in the first few waves of paralyzing grief. “Still in the fog” as they say. I remember, all I kept thinking was “how is he still standing here?” Then my thoughts went to “how did he get from where I am to where he is?”
So I asked. What was the turning point? His answer surprised me. He replied “I just got tired.” “Tired of feeling this” as his hand waved over his face and chest. I didn’t know what that meant at the time.
The future
Fast forward to now. A received a comment on another article of mine. A family member very close to me has also had significant loss in her life, including the loss of her spouse. His passing was shortly after my husband’s. She is still clinging to her grief. After this weekend of revisiting my past and the life I lost, I realized I am tired. Grief will always be my companion. But I’m tired of it dictating my life and my thoughts. I am tired of the physical and mental anguish. Yet I feel guilt for wanting to let go of the drowning, grief stricken feelings. Those are my badges that remind me of the deep love I still have for the souls I’ve lost.
So where do I go from here? I’ve gone from “waiting to die” to “maybe today will be good.” I made this transition purposefully and willingly. Sure the grief and trauma come back but I have developed a few tricks of my own. Grief has all kinds of surprises. I’m quite sure it has more in store for me. This trip was a win and I feel really good about it. That’s progress. xxooC
I’ve experienced more loss in the past two years than I have my entire life. I am quite sure other folks have had much more than me so I am in no way saying I am special. But with the passing of Lucy, I was able to watch her go. I’ve been preparing for it for a while. Something I didn’t get to do with the other losses in my life. I’ve written about trauma and I believe being present is a special kind of trauma. One that hits hard and shakes to the soul. Losing is one thing, watching the loss was something altogether different for me.
Somehow though, processing this loss has been easier which leads me to the question, am I stuck on the other loss because of the circumstance surrounding the passing? I would love some feedback from others that have had to prepare for a loved one’s passing and were there when it happened. Was the event so traumatic that it alone was hard to recover or did watching the process and preparation make it easier to accept and recover. And please, when I say “recover” I use that term loosely. Recover just means to return to a somewhat normal existence on the surface. Functioning I suppose.
Next Comes Lost
I’ve said before. Loss is loss and everyone experiences and reacts differently. No one’s experience is right or wrong. I also believe there is no time limit for feelings and emotions. They last as long as they last. I know I’ve somewhat learned to live again, and on the outside I may look like I’ve moved on. My insides say differently. I still get waves of the gut punch and the breathlessness when I think about the life I had, the life I should have, and what will never be.
I visited my doctor recently who is a deeply spiritual man. He looked me in the eyes and told me the only way through grief is through service. Only then will I appreciate what I have now and see past my loss. Those were wise words that I already kind of knew, but hearing them solidified that. I have had the opportunity to do small things since my journey into grief and mourning started and the feeling I felt was indescribable. My doctor also said to make sure I was living a life that honored my husband. A life in which he would still be proud to call me his wife. That hit home. I’ve been lost. A lot. Spiritually and physically.
Finally Hope
So now I’m thinking, maybe I’m getting better at handling loss. With that I mean, maybe I am developing instincts and ways to cope and deal and possibly block out the super painful things that I can’t deal with again. That’s a scary thought. I’ve read and heard of individuals living with PTSD whom never discuss their pain and trauma. Like veterans and refugees. It’s called trauma denial. Some things are just too horrific and the brain will try to forget and not deal with them.
Life is a journey. I never thought mine would lead me here. Something helpful from a previous job, I do try to practice gratitude everyday. I am thankful for the people and family I still have. I am thankful for the things that bring me joy each day. When I lay my head down or wake up in the morning, I know a full day is not promised.
I am hopeful as I continue down this path that there is a place for me somewhere on this earth. Somewhere where once again I can call it mine, and it feels like home. Until then I will continue to wander and do the things that I’ve always wanted that make me smile. Thanks for reading xxooC
It wasn’t until I was coping with uncontrollable physical and mental situations that I was able to distinguish the two. So I did what anyone would do and I went to the doctor. Usually when I would hear of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I would think of service people or victims of natural disasters. I was really surprised when I was diagnosed with PTSD and complicated grief. Neither of which I understood at the time. Then throw in generalized anxiety disorder to this mess for a distressing, no end in sight, anguish.
My PTSD caused me to become stuck. Stuck in only what I can describe as an obsessive thought process. My image kept playing over in my mind on repeat. I was helpless to stop it, to process it, to understand it. This compounded my anxiety which crippled me in the beginning. I knew I needed professional help but who and what was beyond my comprehension. Then one day, while I was at the med spa of all places, my nurse practitioner was working on me and mentioned she knew of a licensed therapist practicing EMDR therapy.
EMDR for Trauma
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Yeah, that’s a mouthful. But basically what this therapy does, is it uses rapid eye movements similar to REM sleep patterns to help the brain reprocess memories and work through them. EMDR uses both sides of the brain. Has it helped? Well, yes and no. Reprocessing is not immediate. It takes time to work through. Afterwards though, my brain is no longer stuck. The once devastating memory holds little power over me. After EMDR therapy is when I was able to start traveling. So that was good, but my body and mind remain damaged. Damaged by the trauma I endured during the event which caused this image in the first place.
My Experience and My Discovery
What I didn’t understand at first is that grief and trauma are completely different things. Each requires a level of processing and therapy that don’t necessarily go together. As often the case with medicine these days, I have become my own advocate. My experience with each has opened my eyes. I carry each with me daily. How I deal with each is different. Understanding this is half the battle for me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to leave one or both behind but I doubt it. I do have hope that one day I will be able to cope with them better today than I did yesterday.
Have you had EMDR or are curious about it? Let’s talk!
Hi there, I think it’s time we address this topic. Yes, I have been traveling alone for the past 2 years. I decided early on that I would never turn down an invitation. That means I am usually en-route to see friends or family. I believe getting there is half the adventure!
Yes…undoubtedly there are some of you I haven’t gotten to yet. My apologies and promise I will reach out to see you soon!!
I believe what few understand is the trauma surrounding grief. There is a lasting physical and mental trauma that no matter how much medication and therapy it never goes away.
I won’t mince words here. In June 2020 I was stricken with unbelievable panic disorder, PTSD, and complicated grief. The best one can hope for is to bury it, disguise it, learn to function throughout the day to appear normal on the surface. Subsequently I’m still working on all of that. I can’t say I’ve found the answers to anything. What I did know is I had to keep moving for my own sanity. Make no mistake, I mean moving not moving forward. Moving forward after loss is still a concept I haven’t made sense of nor pretend to understand.
The Beginning of My Journey
My first trip booked was to Sanibel, FL by way of Venice, FL. To quote my therapist “the only person stopping you is you.” The most profound words I have ever heard. I booked the trip and off I went. It was scary, it was liberating, it was self serving, it was eye opening.
The next trip was out west. I thought well…”if I can do Florida, I can do the west coast.” And again, off I went. I journeyed to Redding, CA, then to San Bernardino, CA (which may turn into another post hopefully) and as a result, has led me to even greater adventures.
How It’s Going- Traveling Alone
Now, for those of you wondering where and what I’ve been doing, here’s a little run down. From California in late summer 2021, I ventured up to Portland and Bend, Oregon. I made a mini road trip to Seattle, Washington. I’ve been to Buena Vista, Colorado Springs, and Denver, Colorado. I fit in a quick trip to Chicago, IL. I even went to visit my people in middle Illinois that summer too. Hey peeps I see you!! I’m absolutely positive I left some places out.
I used to hate driving but now I love it. It’s really all about time. Driving is annoying and counter productive when time is limited and valuable. Whenever time is no longer a factor, driving can surprisingly be the best way to get around. I can take whatever I want and stay as long or as little as I want.
Wintering in Florida
After the summer adventures out west, I traveled again to Florida in the fall. I was fortunate enough to see the keys for the first time in my life. It was in late 2021 and I kept thinking “why have I not been here sooner?” Key West and Key Largo were absolutely amazing and beautiful beyond words. I am grateful to be able and to have experienced these life changing spaces and moments. I wish this for everyone, I truly do. Go live your life, on your terms.
Traveling Alone in 2022
In January of this year I attended Groove Cruise out of Orlando, Florida. I drove down and met friends then traveled over to the coast. We cruised from Port Canaveral to Freeport, Bahamas and back. And that trip my friends is a WHOLE nother story!
In February and March I made another road trip back out west. California and Oregon again. All of this wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Kansas City, Missouri. It’s my jumping point to Colorado and the west. Additionally, I’ve fallen in love with the city and continue to go there.
Shows and Festivals
I’ve done two full on, multi day festivals, Hard Summer 2021 (2 days) and Groove Cruise 2022 (4 days). Groove Cruise was on Royal Caribbean’s Mariner of the Seas. Hard Summer was in San Bernardino, California. I’ve seen a couple of small shows in Chico, California.
What’s Happening Next
In the near future, I’m visiting Forecastle Fest in Louisville, KY for one day only. There’s a trip planned to Las Vegas in the summer and then who knows, perhaps California again. Besides Forecastle, I’m looking at Hard Summer again in July although there is nothing definitive yet.
Later this year I also have Escape Psycho Circus in SoCal already on the books for Halloween. The first one since Eric left. It was his favorite festival above all others. After that, who knows. My schedule is filling up quickly.
Lastly, there has been talk of snowboarding in the fall and winter to prepare for an Alaskan heli/cat skiing trip in February 2023.
If there is anything you want to specifically see or to see me do, write me. Share me with your friends. Please give me feedback, I want to hear from you. Love you all! Xxoo C
