Tag Archives: #complicatedgrief

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Grief and Life

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Can the two exist together?

“Sometimes life gets in the way.” We’ve all heard that saying before. Somehow, grief and life can not coincide together. Well, for a while they can but what I’m finding is I have to be in one or the other. I still find myself grieving yes, but as time continues to flow I am also living. Am I living the life I wanted? Not yet. I’m still working on it. Trying new things out. Deciding what I want in and out of my life. Who I want in and out of my life.

I am starting to question how much grief can actually remain in life. Grief was my badge. I wore it with pride. There was a lot of pain and trauma endured. With complicated grief, it’s all still in there. I feel it everyday. The person I was is gone. She left when he left. Out of desperate self preservation I have rebuilt someone else. So here I find myself getting back out. I could have chosen a different path. Eternal grief. But that isn’t the direction I wanted to go. The wise old words once spoken to me are finally ringing true. I am tired. I am tired of the pain. Continuing to live in the pain was just to great to endure. So I let some of it go.

Choosing Grief or Life

So what does the future for someone as damaged as me look like? That I don’t have an answer to yet. Again, I’m breaking my own rules. I am doing things I am uncomfortable with. I discovered something recently, the grief had become my comfort. In that though, comfort contained lots of pain and confusion. I’m actually kind of surprised how comforting the pain had become. Especially after losing Lucy, my comfort and emotional support cat.

In an effort to survive the day, I haven’t moved on. Although I have just replaced the things I found comfort in before the trauma. I now have a comfort dog. I have meaningful people in my life. Things are just different this time around. Ultimately, I think this will not be the last time I have to start over and create another version of myself. The next time though, I’ve had some practice and I think I can navigate better. There is a life lesson here somewhere. Somewhere in all this comforting pain and grief along with the uncomforting changes and experiences.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

emotional support dog life and grief
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Grief and Trauma Labels

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What Are Grief and Trauma?

A quick Google search and I found definitions for grief and trauma. Grief is a “deep sorrow caused when something or someone you love has been taken away.” Trauma is an “emotional response to a distressing experience.” So on first glance one would think the two are somewhat related. I tend to disagree. I’ve witnessed trauma from friends that did not experience grief. I have also seen grief without trauma.

PTSD and Distress

It wasn’t until I was coping with uncontrollable physical and mental situations that I was able to distinguish the two. So I did what anyone would do and I went to the doctor. Usually when I would hear of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I would think of service people or victims of natural disasters. I was really surprised when I was diagnosed with PTSD and complicated grief. Neither of which I understood at the time. Then throw in generalized anxiety disorder to this mess for a distressing, no end in sight, anguish.

My PTSD caused me to become stuck. Stuck in only what I can describe as an obsessive thought process. My image kept playing over in my mind on repeat. I was helpless to stop it, to process it, to understand it. This compounded my anxiety which crippled me in the beginning. I knew I needed professional help but who and what was beyond my comprehension. Then one day, while I was at the med spa of all places, my nurse practitioner was working on me and mentioned she knew of a licensed therapist practicing EMDR therapy.

EMDR for Trauma

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Yeah, that’s a mouthful. But basically what this therapy does, is it uses rapid eye movements similar to REM sleep patterns to help the brain reprocess memories and work through them. EMDR uses both sides of the brain. Has it helped? Well, yes and no. Reprocessing is not immediate. It takes time to work through. Afterwards though, my brain is no longer stuck. The once devastating memory holds little power over me. After EMDR therapy is when I was able to start traveling. So that was good, but my body and mind remain damaged. Damaged by the trauma I endured during the event which caused this image in the first place.

My Experience and My Discovery

What I didn’t understand at first is that grief and trauma are completely different things. Each requires a level of processing and therapy that don’t necessarily go together. As often the case with medicine these days, I have become my own advocate. My experience with each has opened my eyes. I carry each with me daily. How I deal with each is different. Understanding this is half the battle for me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to leave one or both behind but I doubt it. I do have hope that one day I will be able to cope with them better today than I did yesterday.

Have you had EMDR or are curious about it? Let’s talk!

Thanks for reading! xxooC