Tag Archives: #hope

Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Life After Loss: Navigating the Challenges of Grief

Leave a comment

Moving Into Another Year

This year felt a little different going in. I don’t know why. As they say, the fog is lifting, and I’m beginning to see things clearer in my new life after loss. The one day I’ve been dreading quickly approached. As those closest to us know, Eric and I were married on Friday the 13th in 1998. He chose this day. It was the implication of it all. He loved the drama of being different and seeing others’ reactions. I loved that about him. Even so, the number 13 proved to be a good number for us in many ways.

The first year, in 2021, I took myself on a solo trip to the beach. The second year, I also spent away, visiting with friends. Last year was terrible. I went back to work full-time. Coupled with the day before a major holiday and being in retail were a recipe for disaster. I didn’t have the option not to work, and it turned out to be a horrible day, and I nearly lost my mind. So, this year, I decided not to work and do nothing at all or at least to keep my options open.

Later in the day, I did spend time with my daughter and grandsons, which brought me immense joy. I recently published coloring books for them and we colored for hours. (Click the link if you’d like to take a look at one.) Whereas I have only heard of art therapy for adults, this was my first time experiencing it. Not only was it enjoyable, but I also experienced meaningful mindfulness once I was able to let go of time. So, for those of you who have laughed at adult coloring being “art therapy” as I once did, I challenge you to revisit your thought process and give it a try. Indeed it was an enlightening event.

coloring at the table life after loss

An Honest Confession

Meanwhile, I started therapy again (click here to read about my prior therapy experiences for grief and PTSD) and had my first **EMDR (which means Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) sessions the week prior, so I knew I was fragile. I did a lot of crying and a lot of talking out loud. None of it seemed to soothe me, though. Here I am, just short of four years into my grief journey, and my heart remains broken into a million tiny pieces. Although I mask it well. The only thing more apparent to me now is that I’m honestly on my own.

Conversation itself is much more about comforting others than it is about myself. It was odd at first, being labeled “single” after decades of marriage. All at once, I couldn’t say “my husband” anymore. Now it’s “my late husband” so as not to confuse people and inadvertently make them uncomfortable. Either way, as much as my heart longs for him, I am alone now. No one will ever understand me or get me as he did. I know this, and somehow, I’ve come to accept it. I have meaningful relationships and some fulfill me in ways my marriage never did.

Dating in this void is exceptionally challenging. “Single” now means I’m in my mid-50s, older, yes, wiser, no. Certainly, it all made me want to throw my hands up and say I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Life after loss has left me traumatized and unstable. I now have to find my way to some kind of life. Before, I wasn’t looking long-term because, honestly, I didn’t think I would make it this long, yet here I am. So, these days, I am starting to think ahead. What does life look like for me in 3-5 years instead of just tomorrow?

What Lies Ahead in this Life After Loss

I started this blog as a self-help, primarily for myself and then for my readers. Undoubtedly, opening up about anything personal was scary as hell but I’ve also found it healing. Now, I’m still determining the direction to go with everything in my life. Every day is still challenging to face. Every day never promises anything. The reality is, most days, I am hopeful, although there are certainly days I am not. Those days I just move through the motions and the emotions. Even when I was traveling, moving forward sometimes was difficult, but it still had to be done.

My last few posts have been self-help articles about things I have an interest in as well as things I’m learning from writing my upcoming book. I hope you’ll stick with me through it all. Thanks for reading and all of your positive feedback. I love you all. –xxooC

**If you would like more info on EMDR you can click here to read more from the EMDR International Association. There, you will find answers to any questions about what it is, how it’s administered, and the benefits of therapy.

sand waves on the beach life after loss
Thoughts and Notes

Mental Health and Prioritizing

3 Comments

Welcome back, let’s talk about Mental Health

Oh hey, hi there…I know it’s been a while. Thanks for sticking with me and keeping up with the little bit I’ve put out this summer. It’s been a struggle to sit down and actually focus. This time away from blogging has been an internal challenge for me in so many ways but I won’t go into that here. The topic I want to talk about is mental health and depression. While I have my own battles, I’ve met many others that do as well. For those of you just reading, here is a little background on me. I was diagnosed with PTSD and GAD after my husband died in June of 2020. (click the links to learn/read more.) It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride to say the least.

Before the Grief Trauma

But before all of this, I suffered from severe depression in my late teens and early to mid twenties. I wasn’t quite aware of mental health issues and I had no idea what was happening to me. I had started seeing a very good therapist years before. Not once was depression ever mentioned to me.

Then, all of a sudden, one day I just didn’t want to get out of bed anymore. It was like I just didn’t want to function. Thinking was difficult. I went to work, came home and slept. Woke up, then I went to work, came home and slept. Some days I didn’t make it to work. Fortunately I did not lose my job. I struggled daily not knowing what was going on with me. I couldn’t figure out why my mind and body were betraying me.

Finally as my life spiraled out of control at 24, I became pregnant with my daughter. Then somehow, miraculously, I was cured. I’ve read about pregnancy altering the chemical makeup of one’s brain… but BAM! It really happened to me. I never sunk into any type of deep depression again.

Trauma and Depression, the Difference

Fast forward to after my husband died. Shortly after my trauma, my family had an intervention. I found myself sitting in my doctor’s office. He told me I was “depressed.” I’m told him, “I’m confused, I want to die. I have no will to live. I can’t handle this trauma.” And of course for my treatment, I was prescribed anti-depressants. Which I took. For a while. I was desperate.

They did lighten my mood. They did not take away my thoughts and feelings of grief, despair, sadness, or any of the feelings of losing someone close to you. What the pills succeeded in doing, is buying me some time in not feeling too much of anything. Which was kind of a momentary relief.

Normalizing Talking About Feelings

I’m telling you this because these feelings haven’t really gone away. What takes the place of it all is learning how to cope and learn to look normal on the outside. That’s right, I’ve been faking it. I even fool myself most of the time. But as soon as I start to believe it all, the charade comes tumbling down and the wave hits me again. I’m saying this because I believe it’s so important to normalize talking about how we feel in order to prioritize mental health.

I’ve found finding the right words and having the courage to discuss it extremely hard. In a way, I don’t want to appear weak and not in control of myself. I always went over the conversations in my head beforehand, I found myself asking, how will someone see me after I confess this? The stigma is real.

However, while working here in this lovely city with the most amazing people, I have had quite a few instances that have reminded me why I came here. I came here to find me. The me without him. Rebuilding has been difficult but I’ve survived. Maybe even thrived a little. I’ve learned a lot over the past 10 months, about myself and what I’m capable of.

Learning the Lessons

I’ve been fortunate to come back to a company that understands and also prioritizes mental and physical health. Only with the help of everyone around me up here, have I learned the lessons I was sent here to learn. I’m here to tell you all of you have it in you also. The capability to learn about yourself and move in a forward direction.

Ultimately it’s not about will, and it’s not about finding something you’re passionate about. Everything in life can be going great, but mental health has to be a priority. Even if you’ve never had a traumatic event, prioritizing mental health is so important. In that, it’s accepting one day, one minute at a time.

For me, it’s learning to live. Maybe even love again. This time away has nurtured my inner child. I’ve done things that make me happy. Beginning to dream again. And most of all, it’s about finding gratitude. Being grateful for what I have. I sometimes don’t realize how fortunate I am. I’m trying to get back to that.

What does prioritizing mental health look like to you?

Thanks for reading. I love you all! -xxooC

me standing on tybee island at sunrise mental health
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Time. In “quotation marks.”

3 Comments

“A “Time” for “Home”…

I’ve been increasingly curious about time since my husband left me. I think I was in this “isolated bubble” so to speak. A place where I lived and didn’t observe much around me that didn’t include him. Now I have lived alone. I’ve traveled alone. Something I never really did before. I never wanted to settle down again. Have a place called “home”, because let’s face it, he was everything I ever knew of, that was called a “home.” Now all of that is gone so I have had to put things into different perspectives.

I recently moved. Moved to Chicago, Illinois. I signed a lease. Which was hell for me for anyone who actually knows me. Because I hold an Illinois real estate license and renting is truly “throwing money out the window.” But I needed to plant some kind of “roots.” I accepted a job offer and I needed a place to “stay” for a while. So unfortunately I found a small 600 square foot flat in “the city” which I absolutely adore. If it was a co-op I would definitely buy in, but it isn’t, so I can’t. I signed a lease and I have approximately ten months left before I need to “vacate.”

sunset from my apartment in chicago. time

A time for Planting “Roots?”

Now I’ve never been one to securely “plant roots” unless I was sure I wanted to be there for “a while.” In Kentucky, “before Eric,” I never really lived in one place for more than a year. So I was always ready to “up and move.” Once Eric and I “settled” and we moved to Shelbyville, Ky, it took time before we actually hung stuff on the walls and “made it our own.” We ended up there for 20 years, but that’s another story.

In 2019 when we moved to Normal, Illinois, I was in my house for six months before I hung anything on the walls. The lease here in Chicago is literally for 11 months. It’s a “short term.” I have about ten months left so I consider it a “short stay.” Yet I find myself succumbing to wanting to make this place “a home.” I have no idea where this came from except the fact there has been no “home” for me since Eric left in June of 2020. Nothing felt permanent enough to really call it “home” since then.

“So what is happening” I ask myself? Why am I calling this “home”, and wanting to make it feel “homey?”

The only conclusion I can draw is that I have this instinctual need to now call some place “home.” It has been about two and half years since Eric died. Right then I committed to walk the country to whatever end I wanted. To do whatever “whim” I chose, at that moment. And I did that. But now, I have actually chosen my path, instead of letting the path choose me.

plants in my apartment in chicago. time

“Final Analysis”

I feel like I am on uncharted waters, not knowing where “the wind will take me next.” I am open to whatever presents itself but all of this is new to me. A new time. A new place. Something completely different from what I ever imagined for myself. All I can tell myself is “hold on, the ride is just beginning.”

And so we go. Into what feels like a time distortion. The unfamiliar. “The unknown.” Please comment if you feel any of this too. I want to hear your story!

I love you all. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

My Disordered Life

11 Comments

Life with PTSD. What it is…

I’ve wanted to talk about my disordered life a little more in depth for a while now but didn’t exactly know where to start. Then, just the other day I suffered a set back. I was a passenger on a road trip. Not a terribly long one, but I decided to catch up on social media posts. In a news account, I discovered a tweet from a father on the day of a school shooting. This man recounted the day his son was shot and died. This alone was not a trigger. As I kept reading though, he described telling his family that his son was gone. This was the trigger.

My EMDR therapy has softened the memory of actually discovering my late husband already deceased. Now what has surfaced instead, is the memory of telling my daughter. Hearing my child crumble in pain knowing there is nothing I can do to ease her pain. Listening to her break apart and absorb what I said. It’s almost indescribable until I was reading it. His description was exactly what I experienced. I felt his distress. In an instant, I was reliving my own trauma.

Suddenly I felt my anxiety rising. I was caught in the flashback of telling my daughter over the phone and lying on the floor crying with her for what seemed to be an eternity. Finally, hanging up the phone knowing she had this huge gaping wound I couldn’t do anything about. Then I realized I wasn’t in that space anymore. But yet I was. What was happening? A flashback. An uncontrollable emotional and physical response to a traumatic event. This is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Management and Finding Support

Now I have my ways of coping with the anxiety. The physical symptoms which spontaneously occur through flashbacks and social situations. Two and half years on, I am just now beginning to make a little progress in managing my involuntary reactions to triggers. It’s been a long road so far. I’m just one of the lucky ones that have found some sort of support. I realize that PTSD never fully goes away. It may change, it may morph into other stressors but never truly disappears.

I wanted to bring awareness to this condition because I never really knew that much about it before. Sure, most of us know others with this condition. I did. Before I could read what the symptoms are but I didn’t truly know what it was like to live with PTSD. Unfortunately now I do. Because everyone is different, the severity and symptoms are completely individualized.

PTSD has many symptoms. I have dealt with a lot of them. Some days I’m more fragile than others. Some weeks I can go days without thinking about or experiencing triggers. Others not so much. But I’m not giving up and I’m not giving in. I tried that and it didn’t work either. If you have someone in your life with PTSD, my suggestion is just to listen. It’s nice to know I have people around me that want to just be there and listen. No judgements, no opinions, no recommendations, just listening or in some cases, just being there.

An Anxiety Disordered Life

In my life before, anxiety was familiar, but for the most part it was under control. There was a time before when it ruled my life but I had moved on, and found ways to work through it. After my event, my anxiety went out of control. At first it was so bad I couldn’t sleep or drive. My diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I learned in therapy that my life had been unexpectedly altered. For that I couldn’t count on the normal routine of anything anymore. Since then, I have come to know a little more normalcy. Which has helped yes, but the anxiety still comes. Usually in an unexpected setting. When I am least prepared.

The Only Way Is Forward

For many with either of these, the way forward is difficult and sometimes seems impossible. Sometimes I still feel that way but the one constant for me is time. Time will continue to move forward even if I don’t. In that fact, I find some consolation and a bit of peace in my disordered life. Time has become the one thing I know I can count on. It will never leave me and it will always be the same, no matter what. For now that is enough.

Thanks for reading! xxooC

a rainbow signals hope in my disordered life
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

More Loss and Finding Hope

3 Comments

First Comes Loss

I’ve experienced more loss in the past two years than I have my entire life. I am quite sure other folks have had much more than me so I am in no way saying I am special. But with the passing of Lucy, I was able to watch her go. I’ve been preparing for it for a while. Something I didn’t get to do with the other losses in my life. I’ve written about trauma and I believe being present is a special kind of trauma. One that hits hard and shakes to the soul. Losing is one thing, watching the loss was something altogether different for me.

Somehow though, processing this loss has been easier which leads me to the question, am I stuck on the other loss because of the circumstance surrounding the passing? I would love some feedback from others that have had to prepare for a loved one’s passing and were there when it happened. Was the event so traumatic that it alone was hard to recover or did watching the process and preparation make it easier to accept and recover. And please, when I say “recover” I use that term loosely. Recover just means to return to a somewhat normal existence on the surface. Functioning I suppose.

more loss and finding hope in lucy's death. Lucy's noseprint
more loss and finding hope. Lucy's paw print

Next Comes Lost

I’ve said before. Loss is loss and everyone experiences and reacts differently. No one’s experience is right or wrong. I also believe there is no time limit for feelings and emotions. They last as long as they last. I know I’ve somewhat learned to live again, and on the outside I may look like I’ve moved on. My insides say differently. I still get waves of the gut punch and the breathlessness when I think about the life I had, the life I should have, and what will never be.

I visited my doctor recently who is a deeply spiritual man. He looked me in the eyes and told me the only way through grief is through service. Only then will I appreciate what I have now and see past my loss. Those were wise words that I already kind of knew, but hearing them solidified that. I have had the opportunity to do small things since my journey into grief and mourning started and the feeling I felt was indescribable. My doctor also said to make sure I was living a life that honored my husband. A life in which he would still be proud to call me his wife. That hit home. I’ve been lost. A lot. Spiritually and physically.

Finally Hope

So now I’m thinking, maybe I’m getting better at handling loss. With that I mean, maybe I am developing instincts and ways to cope and deal and possibly block out the super painful things that I can’t deal with again. That’s a scary thought. I’ve read and heard of individuals living with PTSD whom never discuss their pain and trauma. Like veterans and refugees. It’s called trauma denial. Some things are just too horrific and the brain will try to forget and not deal with them.

Life is a journey. I never thought mine would lead me here. Something helpful from a previous job, I do try to practice gratitude everyday. I am thankful for the people and family I still have. I am thankful for the things that bring me joy each day. When I lay my head down or wake up in the morning, I know a full day is not promised.

I am hopeful as I continue down this path that there is a place for me somewhere on this earth. Somewhere where once again I can call it mine, and it feels like home. Until then I will continue to wander and do the things that I’ve always wanted that make me smile. Thanks for reading xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Grief and Trauma Labels

2 Comments

What Are Grief and Trauma?

A quick Google search and I found definitions for grief and trauma. Grief is a “deep sorrow caused when something or someone you love has been taken away.” Trauma is an “emotional response to a distressing experience.” So on first glance one would think the two are somewhat related. I tend to disagree. I’ve witnessed trauma from friends that did not experience grief. I have also seen grief without trauma.

PTSD and Distress

It wasn’t until I was coping with uncontrollable physical and mental situations that I was able to distinguish the two. So I did what anyone would do and I went to the doctor. Usually when I would hear of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I would think of service people or victims of natural disasters. I was really surprised when I was diagnosed with PTSD and complicated grief. Neither of which I understood at the time. Then throw in generalized anxiety disorder to this mess for a distressing, no end in sight, anguish.

My PTSD caused me to become stuck. Stuck in only what I can describe as an obsessive thought process. My image kept playing over in my mind on repeat. I was helpless to stop it, to process it, to understand it. This compounded my anxiety which crippled me in the beginning. I knew I needed professional help but who and what was beyond my comprehension. Then one day, while I was at the med spa of all places, my nurse practitioner was working on me and mentioned she knew of a licensed therapist practicing EMDR therapy.

EMDR for Trauma

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Yeah, that’s a mouthful. But basically what this therapy does, is it uses rapid eye movements similar to REM sleep patterns to help the brain reprocess memories and work through them. EMDR uses both sides of the brain. Has it helped? Well, yes and no. Reprocessing is not immediate. It takes time to work through. Afterwards though, my brain is no longer stuck. The once devastating memory holds little power over me. After EMDR therapy is when I was able to start traveling. So that was good, but my body and mind remain damaged. Damaged by the trauma I endured during the event which caused this image in the first place.

My Experience and My Discovery

What I didn’t understand at first is that grief and trauma are completely different things. Each requires a level of processing and therapy that don’t necessarily go together. As often the case with medicine these days, I have become my own advocate. My experience with each has opened my eyes. I carry each with me daily. How I deal with each is different. Understanding this is half the battle for me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to leave one or both behind but I doubt it. I do have hope that one day I will be able to cope with them better today than I did yesterday.

Have you had EMDR or are curious about it? Let’s talk!

Thanks for reading! xxooC