I was in the process of writing a different article, one about how to live a life to be proud of, not one about saying goodbye. But, as with any grief journey, there are good days and bad and I’ll eventually get to that article, just not today. Today wasn’t the worst, but it could have been a better one. I’ve had more than a few not-so-great days this week. Because my blog just turned two, and June will be four years since my husband’s departure, I think it’s all made me a little sad, especially in the mornings when I try to write.
I thought I had a revelation this morning, but I was mistaken. I’ll get to that in a minute. I presumably thought I had missed out on a milestone for healing. One I thought, if I could put it behind me, it would definitely help me move on mentally and emotionally. So, after googling some ways in which to do this, and in the midst of a severe panic attack, I realized, to my complete surprise, that I had, in fact, already said goodbye. Let me explain.
The Search for Closure
I touched on this whole story once before in another article. This morning’s revelation was that I never actually got to say goodbye. Therefore, doing so now would allow me the closure to move forward. Once I googled the best ways to do this, according to other therapy sites, I came across a forum response. I’m sorry if I don’t credit the person who said this. I can’t even remember what forum it was, but the guy said, “You did say goodbye. Just remember all of the times you said goodbye before. You didn’t know if you would see each other again then.” This hit me like a ton of bricks.
Why Goodbyes Matter
Early in our marriage, we had a mutual friend lose his wife suddenly to a car accident on her way home from work. This incident shook the very foundation of our relationship in that we never wanted to part or leave each other without saying, “I love you.” After she died, we did say our last goodbyes every day and every night for many, many years. Everytime not knowing if it truly would be the last. Then it was.
The last time I saw my husband was the night before. It was just after midnight, and I woke up in my recliner next to his. He was awake and still watching TV. I said I was going to bed, and he replied, “Okay, goodnight.” Before I left the room, I kissed him purposefully, as I did every night before, and we both said, “I love you.” We ended exactly the way we both wanted, with love in our hearts and goodbye on our lips.
So this evening, I have a little more peace and, dare I say, maybe even some closure. Now, I have to figure out what to do with it. My point to this story is: Don’t take for granted that when you say goodbye to someone, it very well could be the last time you get to say it. Be okay with how you leave people who matter.
Preface: This is a warning that I have been trying to write something for a while, but I am all over the place.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have had so many thoughts and ideas about what I want to write about. I would start, then stop, and not finish anything. I kept coming to the breaking point. Furthermore, it always seemed like I had so much to say, but nothing coagulated into a coherent article. Hence, I’ve been dealing with so much, so many emotions. I’ve been in therapy for over a month dealing with feelings I’ve buried and, at the same time, feelings I’m experiencing now, but I don’t understand why.
One theme that kept returning to me is that I’m a widow at 50-something. What does that mean? What expectations are there for me? Do I really care about any of this? How can I begin to process and heal? The ultimate question….”Who am I now???” I decided to embark on a journey. A journey to heal. You can read more about that here.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and self-actualization. I really attribute this to therapy and EMDR. Please reach out with any questions, I will be happy to guide you. It has truly saved me.
I’m a complete mixture of myself and this man I spent 23 years with. That’s it. I am him, and he was me. Now he’s gone; I’m just an amalgamation of us both. Therefore, he will always be in the very fiber of my being, but yet I have to leave and learn how to live without him.
While I understand, like every widow who came before and every widow who exists and will come after me, it’s a complex balancing act, sometimes faking, sometimes real, at the moment facing reality as it comes, and sometimes hitting that breaking point that rearranges everything. Finally, to all of you, I give you props and complete support because only you know what you are going through and what you need. Seek out those people. Hit me up if you have no one. I understand you.
Much love and thank you all for reading. I love you all. — xxooC
When I was young, elementary school as I recall, someone gifted me a diary for my birthday. My love of paper and books was already brightly blooming, so this was an amazingly wonderful gift. I remember it well. It was brown with gold trim. The front said, “My Diary.” It wasn’t more than 5″x7″, but it had this little closure piece wrapped around the right side with a hole and two little keys. Each page had a tight rule, and I remember thinking, “Can I write that small?”
I admired this little magical book for some time without ever writing a word. I often wondered if I could imagine anything worthy to write about. Then, one day, I did it. I took pen to this little book and wrote my heart out, albeit most of it was what I had to eat that day. Then something extraordinary happened: my heart and soul began to pour out into words. Then, one day after returning from school, it was gone—just gone.
Developing a Fear of Writing
I won’t go into the gritty details of the mess that ensued because someone read my diary, but I will say it was the first real betrayal of privacy I had ever known. That moment marked me. I tried to write, journal, and express myself a few more times in childhood, and I was always met with fear. Fear of someone using my words against me again. So, I carried this with me for much longer than I should have. Then, something else equally jarring happened. My husband died.
The loss of my husband put something inside me into motion. Something familiar yet uncomfortable. Suddenly, I had a lot to say inside, so I let it out the only way I knew how-by writing. At first, it was simply letters to him, but it quickly became much more. I vaguely remember hitting publish on my first blog article almost two years ago. How frightening that felt. I put something so personal out into the world to be judged all over again, the way I was as a child. The only difference between a small girl with a diary and now is… I don’t care anymore. I will speak my truth.
This is the story of my fear of writing, which I’ve experienced most of my life now. It isn’t to rehash or lay blame. I tell you this story to provide some hope that anyone can find healing and self-discovery through creativity. My point is, that writing can be a source of healing. It’s something I am passionate about, and I’ve repeated it in my blog articles and my upcoming book. Journaling came naturally to me, even though I left it for many years for fear of writing after my trauma. Now, it’s my comfort zone. It can be yours, too, if you let it. In this article, I’ll talk about ways to get those creative juices flowing and start some therapy and self-care of your own.
Invading someone’s privacy takes away some of their autonomy and control over their world and teaches them to distrust. Not only that, but it can negatively impact relationships, making trust almost immediately vanish and possibly never rebuilding.
The impact when boundaries are not recognized with a young child, well-intentioned or not, can have lasting effects, but as adults, we can recognize and overcome this if we are willing to do the work. For me, something just snapped. For you, it may take some deep understanding and work to get past the creativity barrier.
Reconnect with Your Inner Voice
Second, let’s discuss reconnecting with your inner voice if you also fear writing, journaling, or being creative in general. Think back to a time when you were, or wanted to be creative. Chances are there was an instance that shook your trust and stifled you. Try to separate the instance and the feelings of mistrust and betrayal you felt from the creative process itself. Imagine yourself writing, painting, or drawing and how freeing that can feel.
Even if you’ve never faced obstacles to creativity, you still may not know where to begin. I challenge you to make some time. Just a few minutes will do. Sit with a pencil and blank paper. If you can’t write, then draw. If you can’t draw, then doodle something, anything. The point is to do it and do it freely. Don’t worry that it’s not “correct” or it isn’t “pretty.”
Next, after you’ve created something, sit and look at it. Analyze it and see what you have made. Focus on the now and try to be in the moment. This is your moment to trust yourself, trust your surroundings, and trust your own self-awareness. Now, do it all over again!
Practice Self-Care
Self-care is so crucial when embarking on something new. I know how scary it is to feel unsure and uncomfortable with creativity. I promise the more you practice, the easier it becomes. Now that you’ve tasted creating let’s discuss some tips for staying and feeling safe in your space.
Take breaks while writing, drawing, coloring, or whatever you are creating. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed as I rush to get words out, and I have to step away for a minute and focus on something else. That’s perfectly okay. Allow room to heal because that is what is happening.
Set healthy boundaries with yourself and those around you. (Click the link for more tips.) If you are worried about someone else invading your privacy and want to keep everything hidden for a while or forever, that’s okay, too. Just ensure you password-protect files on your computer, tablet, or phone. Take your drawings or hard-copy journals and buy a lock box. I tried this once with my late husband, and he was more than willing to give me my space. I once briefly started journaling again about twenty years ago and after explaining what I was doing, he promised he would never read my writing, and he didn’t. Of course, I kept it locked away because I still had trust issues, but the important thing to point out here is he supported me. I’m sure you have people around to support you as well.
Try to be in the moment when creating. Listen to the sounds around you, and focus on your breathing. I know mine gets erratic when I’m writing. I sometimes have to calm myself and come back to the moment. This practice is called mindfulness.
Lastly, if you’re still unsure and need a place to start, start with a trusted friend or group. Find a writing group online or hire a coach or mentor. Go to an art class or watch some YouTube videos on painting and drawing. Sometimes, it just helps to feel like you are doing it with someone and are not alone.
Conclusion
In conclusion, overcoming a fear of writing after experiencing boundary issues is a complex and emotional journey. However, it is possible to reclaim your voice and express yourself creatively with the right support and guidance. By recognizing the impact of boundary issues, reconnecting with your inner voice, practicing self-care, and seeking support and guidance, you can begin the journey of healing and empowerment. So, take the first step today and begin the process of overcoming your fear of writing. With patience, persistence, and support, you can transform your trauma into triumph and use writing/journaling as a tool for healing and self-expression.
There was once a time not long ago when I never thought I would entertain any thought of another person other than my husband. When he left me in June of 2020 amidst a pandemic, in the middle of our new life together, in a new town, in a new state, it consumed me. The thought of moving on was paralyzing. This amazingly huge loss, this monumental life defeat, was all I could think about, night and day. So, after becoming somewhat stable, I embarked on a quest. One to find myself and reclaim anything left of the life I would have here without him in it. I certainly wasn’t looking to move on, although I unknowingly did.
For a while, not forgetting him and making sure no one else did was a large pillar as well. Then I found myself alone and right back where I started this journey, which wasn’t comforting at all. So, I opened myself up to the option of having someone else in my life. Shall we call it dating? Moving on? That’s up to you to decide.
If you’re a new widow or even an older widow (meaning you’ve been widowed for a while), I’m not going to tell you that you have a time frame for moving on, so to speak. What I will say to you from my own observations is that life gets lonely. Having someone there to support you, albeit not in the ways you once imagined for the rest of your life, isn’t too bad.
Of course, you may already know the benefits of being in a couple as you grow older. There’s been much study and research on this topic. One of the least important aspects is that couples are more observant of each other’s day-to-day habits and rituals and notice more when something becomes “off.” With that said, there are other benefits as well. We all benefit from human connection and touch. Just having someone to listen can surely lower blood pressure, ease stress, and help with a myriad of other things. When we eat with people, we are more likely to make better food choices, thus, in turn, keeping us healthy.
You see, it’s not necessarily about romance, just finding a suitable partner. Sure, if you find a new, budding romance, then that is a beautiful thing; however, as we age, compatibility is the motivating factor. Again, I’m reminded of one of my favorite TV shows, Sex and The City. I don’t remember what episode, but it’s in the last season when Carrie and Aleksandr are at her Vogue editor’s party, and Lexi falls out the window. The editor, Enid, explains to Carrie why the date Carrie brings is unacceptable.
The gist is that dating is brutal when we reach a certain age. Sometimes it can be humiliating. Finding someone who checks even half the boxes in a pool the size of a wading pond is exhausting, if not impossible. So, I say this with the all-knowing and empathetic view of being a widow of a certain age. Again, I don’t consider this moving on, just moving in general.
Now we enter the territory of after you may find someone of interest. I still want to honor my deceased husband’s memory. We were together for many years. So, how do I do this and still make my partner feel worthy? Sometimes, I’m always thinking about my husband. That’s a hard one. I haven’t mastered that one yet. It’s a balancing act; I won’t tell you anything differently. I honor my husband; sometimes it gets in the way of other things. I just say deal with it. I’m dealing with a lot more. Again I say, this is a process of moving on.
When you finally find someone you want to spend time with, there are ways to remember your deceased spouse and not offend the person you are with. After all, they knew somewhat what they were getting into when they also started spending time with you. I choose to talk about my husband and when the time and place strike me, I spread his ashes in locations across the US. It’s become my thing I want to do with him and if no one understands then I say…go away, let me be. I’ve spared enough people their feelings so far. Don’t spare mine, and I won’t yours. That’s the deal.
So I’ll leave you with this advice: if you feel you need companionship and the thought of being with someone else is appealing, then do it. There is absolutely no time limit for you to grieve and be alone. Only you can decide what timeline is correct for you, and there are no right or wrongs here. The easiest way is to join a social group or an online dating site. You can screen potential partners in the comfort of wherever you are. What I ask is that you please be safe about it. That means common sense things, like telling someone when you will meet someone new. Always meet in a public setting. Give someone else their number and profile so your safe person knows who you are with. Take all the precautions.
Things are not what they were when you met your spouse, and they are not what they were when you were raising your children. Be extra vigilant about whom you spend time with, and you can never have too many precautions in place should something go wrong.
Above all else, take things at YOUR pace. Don’t let someone else dictate what you should or should not be doing. Remember, you are vulnerable, and you are still healing. Take as much time as you need to feel comfortable in every situation, and know that it is okay to say NO at any point you feel you need to. Protect yourself, guard yourself because no one else will love you like you love you. I think that’s a Miley Cyrus song, but I digress.
Only you can choose the ways to remember your spouse or significant other. Only you know the ways to honor them most. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to start a memory board, book, or online journal—whatever way is best for you to remember them and keep them alive that feels good to you.
Share your memories. I’ll bet there are those out there who have memories of your beloved to share with you. Things you didn’t know or ways they touched someone else that you haven’t heard yet. Seek those people out. Listen and record their memories for you to hold on to. Social media is an excellent way to start. Other ways can be phone records, going through death announcement comments, flowers or donations received in their memory, business cards, and contacts. Unless your person was a really ignorant SOB that did nothing but piss people off, I’m sure you’ll find someone with a good story to tell.
In conclusion, you are the only one in charge of your life now. Fate has played it’s card and this is where you are. No holds barred, you say what goes and what doesn’t from this moment forward in your life. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting or compromising on what you believe to be true. The dating process is no different now. Just learn the precautions and you will be fine.
I once had the saying; “once you lose everything, anything is possible.” Still I believe that to some extent. Although I also believe we shape the new chapters of our lives in a way that will always honor those we’ve lost while forging a new trail to our hopes and dreams.
I encourage you to take some time, journal what you thought this journey would be like versus how you feel now. Take a hard look at what you want for the time you have left without your significant other versus how you would have spent it with them. What accomplishments can you make, how can you live a life of purpose and have a meaningful existence in their absence? These are all questions to ask and there is so much more discovery on your journey. Hit me back with any enlightenment. I love you all.
I’ve been doing a lot of research on narcissistic personality disorder for my upcoming book. However, during this time, I have discovered and researched another type of abuse, which is just as insidious. I wanted to talk and bring light to what’s called verbal abuse. It is categorized as a type of emotional abuse and can have severe and long-lasting effects on a person’s mental health and well-being. It can also be just as damaging as physical abuse. It’s essential to recognize the signs and take steps to address them. In this blog, we’ll explore some of the common signs of verbal abuse, coping strategies for dealing with it, and ways to heal and recover from its effects.
Photo by Susanne Jutzeler, suju-foto on Pexels.com
Signs of verbal abuse
I remember friends getting into altercations with their significant others when I was much younger. I would watch them scream at each other in an unhealthy manner and wonder to myself if this was a normal part of relationships. Similarly, we all know every relationship has its challenges, but how we handle these challenges proves our emotional intelligence.
Verbal abuse can take many forms and sometimes can be difficult to recognize at the moment. Some common examples include criticism, insults, belittling, name-calling, and using language to manipulate or control the other person. It often goes unnoticed or is dismissed as “just words.” Verbal abuse can include threats, yelling, and using language to create fear or anxiety in another person. Over time, this type of abuse can lead to feelings of low self-esteem, shame, and guilt. Verbal abuse can have a significant impact on mental health. Recognizing the signs of verbal abuse is an essential first step in addressing it and seeking help.
Coping strategies
Coping with verbal abuse can be challenging, but some strategies can help you if you’ve realized you are a victim of verbal abuse. Firstly, it’s essential to understand you are not at fault, no matter how much the abuser tries to convince you otherwise. The abuse was done to you and not because of anything you did or said. Seek support from friends and family. If you are not comfortable confiding in those closest to you, seek out a support group or a therapist if one is available to you. Sharing your experiences and feelings can be cathartic and help you process your emotions.
Additionally, and I mention this a lot in my articles, practicing self-care, such as exercising, meditating, or pursuing hobbies of interest, can help improve your mental health and self-esteem. Finally, it may be necessary to set boundaries with an abuser or even cut them out of your life to protect your well-being. Remember, verbal abuse is never acceptable. Everyone deserves respect and kindness.
Healing and recovery from verbal abuse can be a short or long process, depending on the trauma and duration of the abuse. Initially, healing begins with an acknowledgment of the abuse and its effects on your life. Recovery and healing can take time and effort. Prioritizing yourself is essential. Spend time with supportive friends and family, even if you don’t confide in them. Just being around supportive people can help you recover. Relaxation techniques like meditation and yoga can aid in healing as well. Additionally, it may be helpful to build healthy relationships and learn to set boundaries with others.
Forgiveness can also be an important part of the healing process, but it’s important to remember that forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It also does not involve excusing the abuser’s behavior. Instead, forgiveness involves letting go of anger and resentment toward the abuser and moving forward with your life.
Remember, healing from verbal abuse is a journey and doesn’t happen overnight. It’s essential to be patient and kind to yourself throughout the process. With time, support, and self-care, it is possible to recover from the effects of verbal abuse and live a fulfilling life.
Conclusion
In conclusion, verbal abuse can have severe and long-lasting effects on a person’s mental health and well-being. It’s essential to recognize the signs of verbal abuse and seek help if experiencing it.
Coping strategies such as seeking support, practicing self-care, and setting boundaries can help you protect your mental health and build a foundation for healing and recovery. I always encourage seeking out qualified therapists and support groups but if neither of those are options for you, please consider online or alternative therapies.
Remember, you are not to blame for the abuse. You did nothing wrong and deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Healing and recovery from verbal abuse is a journey that requires time and effort. With patience and a commitment to your own well-being, it’s possible to overcome the effects of verbal abuse and live a whole and happy life.
**If you would like to read further on this topic, you can find more information at psychcentral.com and healthline.com.
I remember watching the movie “The Devil Wears Prada” for the very first time. Being in fashion, I adored this movie immensely. When Emily repeated to herself, “I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.” something inside me took notice. She was using the power of positive affirmations to convince herself she loved something she really didn’t. So I thought to myself, “Does this really work, and is it something I should be doing?”
Now, I’ve never been one for self-doubt. I believe in manifestation wholeheartedly. If there were a way to succeed, I would find it eventually. So I said to myself, “This can really benefit me.” “I love my job.” was just the beginning. Since that first realization, I have been using positive affirmations to retrain my thinking into what I want to create. I must admit, after Eric died, it was hard to put anything positive into words, much less try and believe an affirmation; however, after some time, I did find myself using them again, only this time in a much more controlled way, as I’ll explain later.
Positive affirmations are a powerful tool for improving your mindset and achieving your goals. Whereas repeating positive statements to yourself, you can shift your thoughts and beliefs, leading to a more positive outlook on life. In this article, we will explore the science behind affirmations, their benefits, and how to create and use them effectively.
How Positive Affirmations Work
The science behind affirmations is based on the idea that the thoughts and beliefs we hold about ourselves and the world around us can have a powerful impact on our reality.* Neuroplasticity, according to Moheb Costandi writes in his book titled of the same name, is the ability of neural networks in the brain to change through growth and reorganization. It occurs when the brain is rewired to function in some way that differs from how it previously functioned. When we repeat positive statements to ourselves, we are programming our subconscious mind to believe and act according to those statements.
Our subconscious mind is responsible for much of our behavior and decision-making, even when we are not consciously aware of it. By using positive affirmations, we can tap into the power of our subconscious mind and reprogram it to support our goals and aspirations.
Some of the Benefits
We can get a lot of benefits from positive affirmations. Here are just a few examples:
Improved Self-Esteem and Confidence: By repeating positive statements about yourself, you can boost your self-esteem and confidence, leading to a more positive self-image. One of my favorites for this is I always tell myself, “If someone else has done it, I can do it also because they are no better than I am, and in fact, I am better at doing _________than them.” Of course, in reality, I may not be anywhere near someone else’s talent in this particular scenario, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell myself that I am to achieve my desired goal.
Reduction in Stress and Anxiety: By focusing on positive thoughts and beliefs, you can reduce the negative effects of stress and anxiety on your mind and body.
Better Relationships and Communication: By cultivating a positive mindset, you can improve your relationships with others and communicate more effectively.
Increased Motivation and Productivity: Focusing on your goals and aspirations can increase your motivation and productivity, leading to greater success in all areas of your life. I have a good one I use here as well. When a personal or professional task seems particularly daunting, I break it up in my head as to how much time it will take to complete. I focus on that and nothing else. It gets me in the zone, so to speak, and then I tell myself, “After this, I won’t have to think about this task anymore, and it will be completed. I will feel accomplished, and the stress of completing _____ will disappear.”
“I ACCEPT MYSELF EXACTLY AS I AM WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.”
–Unknown
Types of Positive Affirmations
As I discussed in the last paragraph, just as there are many benefits of affirmations, there are also many types of positive affirmations. Each is designed to address a specific area of your life. Here are a few examples:
Affirmations for Self-Love and Self-Acceptance could look like: “I am worthy of love and respect.” I tend to stay in the present with this one. Mindfulness helps address expectations when I am not exactly where I want to be physically, so I focus on what I can change today to make me love myself more. “I accept myself exactly as I am today.”
Affirmations for Career Success: “I am capable and confident in my abilities.” “I am successful and a leader in my career.” I’ve used these a lot.
Affirmations for Health and Wellness: I struggled with this one after becoming a widow because, honestly, I didn’t care anymore. While I am still healing and moving through grief, I’ve learned to be a little more compassionate with myself. I break these into smaller, more believable parts for myself. Whereas someone else may say, “I am healthy and strong.” Instead, I say to myself, “I am here, and I will get through today as best I can.” (To read more about my journey click here.)
Creating and Using Positive Affirmations
To create your own effective, positive affirmations, follow these tips:
Be Specific: Your affirmations should be specific and tailored to your goals and aspirations.
Use Positive Language: Your affirmations should be framed in positive language, focusing on what you want to achieve rather than what you want to avoid.
Repeat Daily: Consistency is key when using affirmations. Repeat your affirmations often and throughout your day. Mornings are when your mind is most receptive, so be sure to say them then.
Avoid Common Mistakes
When using positive affirmations, be sure to avoid common mistakes like
negative self-talk and self-doubt: Be mindful of these as they can undermine the power of your affirmations. Lack of consistency and follow-through can sabotage the best efforts. To see results from your affirmations, you must be consistent with your daily practice. If you need a reminder, write them on a post-it and put them in a visible place at work or home.
Conclusion
I hope I’ve convinced you of the power of positive affirmations and how they can impact your life. If you practice them regularly, positive affirmations can help improve your mindset and help you achieve your goals. By understanding the science behind affirmations, selecting the right types of affirmations, and using them consistently, you can shift your thoughts and beliefs, leading to a more positive outlook on life and greater success in all areas of your life.
This year felt a little different going in. I don’t know why. As they say, the fog is lifting, and I’m beginning to see things clearer in my new life after loss. The one day I’ve been dreading quickly approached. As those closest to us know, Eric and I were married on Friday the 13th in 1998. He chose this day. It was the implication of it all. He loved the drama of being different and seeing others’ reactions. I loved that about him. Even so, the number 13 proved to be a good number for us in many ways.
The first year, in 2021, I took myself on a solo trip to the beach. The second year, I also spent away, visiting with friends. Last year was terrible. I went back to work full-time. Coupled with the day before a major holiday and being in retail were a recipe for disaster. I didn’t have the option not to work, and it turned out to be a horrible day, and I nearly lost my mind. So, this year, I decided not to work and do nothing at all or at least to keep my options open.
Later in the day, I did spend time with my daughter and grandsons, which brought me immense joy. I recently published coloring books for them and we colored for hours. (Click the link if you’d like to take a look at one.) Whereas I have only heard of art therapy for adults, this was my first time experiencing it. Not only was it enjoyable, but I also experienced meaningful mindfulness once I was able to let go of time. So, for those of you who have laughed at adult coloring being “art therapy” as I once did, I challenge you to revisit your thought process and give it a try. Indeed it was an enlightening event.
An Honest Confession
Meanwhile, I started therapy again (click here to read about my prior therapy experiences for grief and PTSD) and had my first **EMDR (which means Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) sessions the week prior, so I knew I was fragile. I did a lot of crying and a lot of talking out loud. None of it seemed to soothe me, though. Here I am, just short of four years into my grief journey, and my heart remains broken into a million tiny pieces. Although I mask it well. The only thing more apparent to me now is that I’m honestly on my own.
Conversation itself is much more about comforting others than it is about myself. It was odd at first, being labeled “single” after decades of marriage. All at once, I couldn’t say “my husband” anymore. Now it’s “my late husband” so as not to confuse people and inadvertently make them uncomfortable. Either way, as much as my heart longs for him, I am alone now. No one will ever understand me or get me as he did. I know this, and somehow, I’ve come to accept it. I have meaningful relationships and some fulfill me in ways my marriage never did.
Dating in this void is exceptionally challenging. “Single” now means I’m in my mid-50s, older, yes, wiser, no. Certainly, it all made me want to throw my hands up and say I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Life after loss has left me traumatized and unstable. I now have to find my way to some kind of life. Before, I wasn’t looking long-term because, honestly, I didn’t think I would make it this long, yet here I am. So, these days, I am starting to think ahead. What does life look like for me in 3-5 years instead of just tomorrow?
What Lies Ahead in this Life After Loss
I started this blog as a self-help, primarily for myself and then for my readers. Undoubtedly, opening up about anything personal was scary as hell but I’ve also found it healing. Now, I’m still determining the direction to go with everything in my life. Every day is still challenging to face. Every day never promises anything. The reality is, most days, I am hopeful, although there are certainly days I am not. Those days I just move through the motions and the emotions. Even when I was traveling, moving forward sometimes was difficult, but it still had to be done.
My last few posts have been self-help articles about things I have an interest in as well as things I’m learning from writing my upcoming book. I hope you’ll stick with me through it all. Thanks for reading and all of your positive feedback. I love you all. –xxooC
**If you would like more info on EMDR you can click here to read more from the EMDR International Association. There, you will find answers to any questions about what it is, how it’s administered, and the benefits of therapy.
Hello all, my days have been busy, to say the least. Between work and house chores, my publishing business takes up any free time I have left. Whereas, I’m in the process of writing a non-fiction manuscript about identifying and healing from toxic relationships with a focus on intergenerational trauma. It will cover how to spot a narcissist, what traits to look for, what effects these relationships have on us, and most importantly, how to heal. I’ll reveal more about this as I get closer to publishing, but for now, I want to talk about something closely related. It’s something near and dear to my heart: how to set healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are essential to maintaining good mental and emotional health. Boundaries are the guidelines you establish for yourself and others on what is acceptable and what is not. While they help you communicate your needs and values, they also protect you from being overwhelmed and taken advantage of by others. Whereas I struggle with setting boundaries and often allow those closest to me to go beyond what I am comfortable with in their actions and words.
Identify Your Boundaries
Here, are some tips I’m working on to create healthy boundaries in my life. Certainly, I felt I was not the only one struggling, so let’s get to it. The first is to Identify Your Boundaries. Specifically take a moment to reflect on your values, needs, and preferences. What are the things that make you uncomfortable or stressed? What are the things that you value the most in your life? Knowing your boundaries will help you communicate them better to others.
Communicating Your Boundaries to Others
Once you’ve identified what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable, the next step is Communicating Your Boundaries to others. Be clear and assertive about what you need and want. Don’t be afraid to say no or to ask for what you need.
Enforcing Your Boundaries
The third step is the hardest for me. It is Being Consistent with enforcing your boundaries. Consistency is essential when it comes to setting healthy boundaries. Stick to your boundaries, even if it initially feels uncomfortable or difficult. Over time, others will respect your boundaries and adjust their behavior accordingly.
Fourth, and I mention this often in my writing, Practice Self Care. Taking care of yourself is essential for maintaining healthy boundaries. Make sure to prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. Take breaks when necessary, practice relaxation techniques, and seek support when necessary.
Final Thoughts
Lastly, when I was researching this article, a final step was mentioned. The fifth step was to be flexible. I can’t entirely agree with this. However, I suggest never compromising on who you are and the boundaries you set, no matter who gets upset or demanding. Your boundaries are yours to keep you safe. There is no room for negotiation, ever.
My final words to you are this: setting and enforcing healthy boundaries can be challenging; however, it’s essential for maintaining good mental and emotional health. I wish I had discovered earlier in life, but hey, it’s never too late to start something new that can tremendously benefit your well-being. By identifying your boundaries, communicating them clearly, and practicing self-care, you can establish healthy relationships and live a more fulfilling life.
If you would like more info on this subject, click here to go to PositivePsychology.com. You will find an in-depth article relating this subject to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
When I was younger, I didn’t notice my intrusive, self-doubting thoughts. It was when I opened my business at the age of 28. The thoughts were always there but suddenly became very prominent. On the way home from work most days, I used to go through everything I did and said. I spent hours wondering what the repercussions would be and if I did or said something wrong that would ultimately affect the business. Oh, and then it didn’t stop there.
In my early thirties, these thoughts just became a way of life. I was constantly doubting myself. My mind would always go through different scenarios before making any decision. I always wondered what I could have done or said differently. I wanted to stop overthinking, but how? Back then, causes of overthinking weren’t well understood, and, hell, I had no idea what was going on with me. It wasn’t until much later that I discovered there is a name for this type of thinking. It is called “overthinking.”
Now with all of the different thoughts, emotions, and subsequent effects of widowhood, I’ve found myself right back in that place of overthinking. So let’s take a look at what are the causes of overthinking.
What is Overthinking?
Do you constantly over analyze every situation, replay conversations, and worry about the future? Do you struggle to make decisions because you’re afraid of making the wrong one? If so, you might be an overthinker like me. Overthinking is a common problem. It affects many people and can significantly impact mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
According to research, (you can read more here at the ClevelandClinic.org) overthinking is classified as a disorder, but it is not a mental illness. Overthinking is characterized by excessive thoughts and worries, often about things out of our control. All of these thoughts and worries can lead to anxiety, stress, and depression. It can even affect our relationships and careers. In today’s fast-paced world, so many things compete for our attention that sometimes it’s natural to get caught up in our thoughts and lose sight of what’s important.
The good news is that today, there are ways to overcome the causes of overthinking and live a more peaceful, fulfilling life. By understanding the causes of overthinking and learning how to manage it, you, too, can regain control of your thoughts and emotions. In this article, I will explore what overthinking is and its causes. So let’s get started!
The Causes of Overthinking
Overthinking is caused by a variety of factors, which include anxiety, perfectionism, lack of confidence, and past traumas or negative experiences. At first, mine was a combination of stress, perfectionism, and a lack of confidence in my new role as an entrepreneur. Understanding the root cause of your overthinking can help you develop strategies to manage and prevent it from controlling your life. Now let’s explore some causes of Overthinking.
Anxiety and worry are one of the most common causes of overthinking. Believe me, when I say as a new entrepreneur and a new competing business, I had significant anxiety and worry. The one thing I didn’t know is that all of this stress and anxiety would manifest itself in a very physical way.
During this time, I developed panic attacks and subsequently took medication to help control these. I wish I had known then what I know now. When anxious, our thoughts can spiral out of control, leading to excessive worrying and rumination. We may find ourselves obsessing over worst-case scenarios or replaying past events. If you struggle with anxiety, it’s important to seek help to learn strategies to manage it.
Another cause is perfectionism. This is because perfectionists often struggle with overthinking because they set impossibly high standards for themselves. Again, this was me….they may worry about making mistakes or not meeting their own expectations, leading to excessive self-criticism and rumination. Accepting imperfection and setting realistic goals can help overcome this type of overthinking.
If you struggle with low self-esteem or need more confidence, you may be overthinking social situations or second-guessing your decisions because of lack of confidence. I stress and overthink everything until I become confident in any new role. This type of overthinking can be particularly damaging because it can reinforce negative self-talk and lead to a cycle of self-doubt. Building self-confidence through positive self-talk and self-care can help break this cycle.
Trauma and Negative Experiences Link
Up to this point, we’ve discussed the controllable elements that cause overthinking. There are elements we can not control. These are past traumas and/or negative experiences. If you’ve experienced a traumatic event or a difficult period in your life, you may find yourself constantly replaying the events in your mind, leading to anxiety and depression. Seeking help to process and work through these experiences can help you move forward and prevent overthinking.
The Effects of Overthinking
As I said earlier, overthinking can significantly impact our mental, emotional, and physical health. Understanding the effects of overthinking can motivate us to take action to manage it.
Physical symptoms caused by overthinking, includes headaches, muscle tension, and fatigue. Sometimes, everything can affect our sleep, leading to insomnia or disrupted sleep patterns. When we overthink, our bodies become stressed. This can have long-term health consequences.
When we overthink things, it can lead to a range of negative emotions. These negative emotions can include anxiety, worry, and fear. When we allow it, overthinking can lead to sadness, hopelessness, and despair. Often we focus on the negative aspects of a situation, which can create a self-perpetuating cycle of negative emotions.
Overthinking can affect cognitive function, thus making it difficult to concentrate and make decisions. Sometimes, it can also lead to decreased productivity and creativity. When we overthink, our mind is consumed with worry and rumination, which leaves little room for other thoughts or ideas.
Finally, overthinking can also affect our relationships with others. It can lead to social anxiety or a fear of rejection, making it difficult to connect with others. Quickly and without warning, overthinking can lead to misunderstandings or miscommunications. This is because we put too much meaning into understanding the intended statements or questions.
Conclusion of Part 1
In the next article, I’ll discuss the many different types of overthinking which have been identified. I’ll also talk about ways to combat overthinking and take control of your life. I will provide the tools and techniques to start living the life you deserve. See you soon. Thanks for reading –xxooC
New can be scary. In my years as a manager, I’ve learned that some people don’t like change. Those people will always stay stagnant until and unless circumstances push them to move outside their comfort zone and do something different. Willing or unwilling, change only happens in the uncomfortable zone, but, there’s no reason to fear change.
Sometimes change can be good. It doesn’t always have to be scary; it can be exhilarating at best and personal growth at the very least. In that growth, we learn about ourselves. What we want, don’t like, will, and will not tolerate. We know a path forward.
I’ve had more change in the past three years than I ever wanted or imagined could happen. More is to come, and I’ll talk about that another time, but for now, some of the changes are still leaving my head spinning. I am still trying to process and absorb what’s happened. While some of it was good, some was also bad. This led me to question how well I embrace change and whether it is something I can thrive with.
Choosing the Right Road
Change will ultimately go one of two ways. It will encourage self-growth and development or shut us down and put us in a defeated mindset. We choose which road to take and how the change will affect us.
In change, no matter the circumstances, we can use the opportunity to learn a new skill. Accepting change can give help gain better knowledge of ourselves and in turn, to become more self-aware of managing stress and change, and overcome self-doubt. We don’t need to fear change.
When I lost my husband, I didn’t know how I would survive. But I did, and I am still here. I learned many things about the world and myself. Time doesn’t stop for me, nor does it stop for anyone. In this constant, I have learned that this situation is only temporary. Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to do something different. My wise daughter taught me this.
Learning New Skills
Over the past three years, I have met many individuals I believe spirit has put in my path. They were put there for me to learn and to guide me. Not too much thought is given to change anymore. I don’t fear change as much as I once did. I have become accustomed to it, although I know how hard it can be to accept and even embrace it if you’ve lived a life with little change because that was me not too long ago.
I realize this process doesn’t happen overnight, and all of this takes time. For me, it took many months and three years into my husband’s passing; I’m still processing, planning, reassessing, and analyzing. Through all of this, I focus on the positives. Keeping a gratitude journal has been extremely helpful, as it has connected me with those with whom I have a commonality. Unfortunately, this has also meant leaving some behind and cutting them out of my life. This is because they no longer benefit the new me. They changed me. In change are some harsh realities. Those who do not support your growth and your vision don’t deserve access to you. Read that again. Those who do not keep your growth and your eye don’t deserve access to you. My wise daughter taught me that.
Overcoming Fear and Celebrating Victories
The first step is to realize that change is either coming or needed. Don’t fear change, as change is growth. Once you are ready for the change ahead, set small goals for yourself. For some, it’s easier to write things down; sometimes, I do that. Other times, I go all in and do as much as possible, as quickly as possible, and then take a break. No matter how you approach change, it is okay and entirely up to the individual.
Most of it is your support system. I only made it through the past three years with mine. Your people will be there for you. It may just be one person at a particular time. I had a tiny circle at first. Then it broadened, and then it shrunk again. You choose your comfort level. When you feel like you are spending too much energy and not getting anything in return, analyze your connections and adjust accordingly. I’m going to be blunt and say some people are emotional vampires, and they will prey on the vulnerable. It’s okay to say no, and it’s self-preservation to cut people who are not productive to your growth out of your life.
You will have both small and large victories. Celebrate them. Each of them is a moment of accomplishment to be cherished and recognized. You are a growing and changing being; you deserve respect, support, and recognition. Be your advocate and take charge of what you need. Give yourself permission to reward yourself on a job well done when embracing change.
Keeping a Positive Attitude
So, what happens when things don’t go as planned? There will be days when you feel you take one step forward and two steps back. This is life, and this is normal. Persevering keeps us moving forward. Sure, there will be days you feel like giving up. It took me some time before and after my husband passed to be able to allow myself to take days off. The mental struggle was real.
We all want to feel productive, but we also must focus on our mental and physical well-being. Sometimes, we have to stop and say no to everything. That’s okay, too. Nowadays, it’s called taking a mental health day, although I have always called it a “me” day. I close myself in and do what I want. It could be a hot shower and a nap or reading all day. Sometimes, I binge-watch a TV show; other times, I sit outside, weather permitting. However you choose is okay. You don’t have to explain it to anyone.
With success also comes failure. Failure at times, is simply part of the process. Change instigates movement and not all movement is going to be positive. The critical thing to remember is tomorrow is another day. It’s another day to do something different. Remember that phrase; it has gotten me through the best and the worst of times but mostly the worst.
There’s Always Tomorrow
The critical piece is focusing on the end goal. Understanding you are in the midst of change and embracing all that comes with it. Stay positive, and stay focused. Rely on your support system. If that isn’t working, find another, even if it’s therapy. My family staged an intervention at one point and sent me to a therapist. My support system could no longer handle my change. So accept the suggestions and keep moving forward.
Starting something new doesn’t have to be scary, although it most often is. If you begin to embrace stepping out of your comfort zone, you may grow beyond your dreams, and then you get to make new, greater ones. The journey is as important as the destination, so be mindful of what happens during the process. This will better prepare you for the next trip and then the next. Change is a catalyst for self-growth. You can be as great as you want. It’s all how you interpret it to be.
Welcome to the New Year. I hate social media, yet we live there, don’t we? Today I was reminded of a New Year past, from 2019—such a bittersweet memory with my husband. Nothing could touch us. We were on top of the world. Both of us were in a new position and a new house. We had a new community, and new friends with nothing but the world in front of us. Then, just as quickly as it came, it ended.
As with every new year, we envision something different. Some change that awaits us on the new horizon. I still have these same thoughts. Just as with all the New Year’s past, I too had hopes and dreams. Some of them may materialize, and others may dissipate into the wind. Expectations just boil down to what we are willing to work for and accept.
What Is The NOW?
My life is dictated. I have taken on a quest of responsibility. It is entirely by choice, yet it does dictate what I do. I am at peace with this decision, however often, I look to the future and what can be now and what can be.
As I continue into uncharted waters and things I had no idea I would encounter, I am reminded that the fog is lifting. It’s been 3 and a half years now. In this widows’ world I have been a victim of the confusion and self-doubt, and questioning everything is beginning to lift above my head. Many things are becoming more apparent to me. I dismissed so many things earlier or I did not know about what was happening around me. To that, I say, “Just wait.”…I have arrived. There will be a reckoning.
I see it. I see you. The situations I have put myself in and the people I have surrounded myself with have become abundantly clear that not all have been in my best self-interest. Rest assured, these, too, shall pass. Everyone shows their true colors eventually. The universe has left me here for a reason. I am still determining that reason, but I know I still have jobs to do before I am free.
What Will BECOME?
This year, I have not made resolutions or achievements I hope to accomplish. My thoughts remain more modest in that I want to make a difference. I want to make every person’s life I encounter better. The goal is to be a better person and ease someone’s suffering. I want to make it through the year. Sometimes, we get defeated. I’ve learned that’s okay. That is the moment we need to feel gratitude because there is someone else in this country and in this world who has less than we have. Whether it be the roof over our heads, the food in our stomachs, or knowing our loved ones are safe today, we are privileged if you identify with this.
So, I leave you with this: I don’t have a lot of hope for 2024, although it’s started well for me. Every day is a struggle. I know full well it is for some. Cherish what you have and think, pray for those that have not. We are just one paycheck away.
May you all have a blessed 2024. See you on the flip side. Thanks for reading —xxooC
I don’t know when I started to dislike Christmas. Somewhere around the time that being a small business owner of a tattoo/piercing studio was not profitable from October to Christmas became a reality. Birthdays and tax season were a big deal, but holidays just became a burden. There always seemed to be too little time to enjoy anything. Between shuffling around from family to family, shopping on a budget, and spending energy trying to be festive, my late husband and I just gave up somewhere. As our daughter got older, we stopped putting the tree up. We had long stopped giving each other gifts. So this was Christmas.
Then, the first grandson was born. There was so much excitement as we were in different places in our lives than when we owned the shop. We were making more money than ever and couldn’t wait to spend it on this precious, new blessing. We had just started to look forward to the holidays again. The unthinkable happened in the summer of 2020, just before the second grandson was born. All of the excitement and anticipation of what would be was just sucked right out the window for me. It’s been tough to even think of celebrating anything without him.
Christmas Present
As the boys get older, their memory of him is fading. The oldest tells the youngest about him. But as time puts distance between them, there are no more memories to recount. The existing memories are fading. Today, I watched two excited little boys open gifts on Christmas morning. It was a good Christmas morning. After all the excitement has worn off, I’m left with a deep sadness I can’t quite describe.
Looking to the future after a devastating loss continues to remain challenging. Everything I read at the beginning of this journey has proven untrue. The fog was supposed to lift after a couple of years. It’s just beginning to. I can feel it because realization is starting to set in. Getting through the holidays may never get any better. They will never be what I had hoped and expected just four years ago, or even just a year ago.
The Future
So next year will be different. I’ve decided to start a new holiday tradition. On Christmas Day, I am heading to a beach. Any beach will do. It could be a different beach every year. I don’t know yet. What I do know is that time keeps moving whether we want it to or not. Today, I mourn what would have been but never will be. This space I am in now is not a place or time I ever could have imagined for myself. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not what I ever expected my life to be.
I find comfort in having my loved ones close to me. I cannot express how grateful I am for their support during the difficult times and unwelcome phases of my life. They were there for me with laughter, companionship, comfort, and acceptance. As we approach the end of the holiday season, whether you celebrate or not, I wish everyone peace, light, and love. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have these things, and I am grateful for what I have. With 2024 approaching, I am confident it will be my year.
