Tag Archives: #wanderlust

Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

The Longing for Travel: Planning Future Adventures

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The Longing for Travel

After I started working full-time last year, I could no longer travel as freely as I used to. I enjoyed being spontaneous and flexible with my trips, but with my scarce vacation days, I had to postpone my travel plans. This had me longing for travel, but it also inspired me to plan for future adventures. Being unable to discover new places and cultures was hard on my mental well-being.

I know I’m not the only one that enjoys traveling. Whether you are waiting for your next get-a-way or you’ve had to pause for a minute like I have. Here are some tips for finding ways to cope with the absence of travel and stay positive.

The Value of Travel Adventures

Why do we travel? Most often it’s to unwind from daily life and to explore new destinations. Traveling can also enhance our personal development, cultural awareness, and global outlook. When we go somewhere completely different it can help us to value different viewpoints. We also have the opportunity to examine our own lives and cultivate compassion for others.

After several of my own trips, I found that I came back invigorated and ready to create. Travel sparked my passion for writing and has helped to heal my soul after losing my husband. Getting away and experiencing a new way of life was tremendously enlightening.

Reliving Memorable Travel Moments

During this downtime of mine, I took the time to reminisce about past travel experiences and the unforgettable memories I’ve created. Whether it’s sipping coffee on a crisp morning in Colorado, exploring abandoned roads in California, or hiking through brush in the Sanibel, Florida preserves, these memories can transport me back to those special moments and inspire my future adventures.

sign for "ding" darling national wildlife refuge in sanibel florida
on a mountain in colorado
three bridges in california off I5

Coping with the Absence of Travel

While I may not be able to travel right now physically, there are still alternative ways to fulfill my wanderlust. I’ve embraced virtual travel experiences such as virtual tours. Here is just one website called Taste of Home with an article by Laurie Dixon. In this article, you can find links to virtual tours of NASA, museums, cities, and much more. I have found them very exciting.

Online cultural events are a great way to experience different cultures. Cooking is another way to experience new places and cultures. These virtual experiences can provide a taste of different destinations and cultures from the comfort of our own homes.

Discovering Local Gems

Often, we overlook the beauty and wonder that exists right on our doorstep. Research local attractions, hiking trails, and off-the-beaten-path destinations. Discover hidden gems in your local surroundings.

I recently discovered, and have been exploring a new trail in my community. It runs alongside a creek and has quickly become my new walking spot. By exploring local businesses and communities, we can create meaningful experiences and appreciate the treasures in our own backyard.

Dreaming and Planning Future Adventures

I look forward to getting on the road again someday when my life and time allow. If you’ve put travel on hold for whatever reason, my advice is to stay positive and keep dreaming about future travel adventures and opportunities. Use this time to research destinations, create a bucket list, and plan itineraries for your future adventures. By envisioning future trips, we can stay hopeful and excited for what lies ahead.

While the longing for travel may be strong, it’s important to remember that this situation is temporary. By cherishing past travel memories, finding alternative ways to travel virtually, and embracing local adventures, we can nourish our wanderlust and remain hopeful for future adventures. Travel will return, and when it does, we will appreciate it even more.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

Destinations, Uncategorized

Meet Me In St. Louis

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A Stop In St. Louis

I’ve driven through St. Louis multiple times. I have even seen the arch up close and personal in my early twenties. So when someone very special to me asked “Meet me in St. Louis?” I couldn’t say no. I was able to stop overnight on my way out west. While in St. Louis, I took some incredible photos of the arch and downtown. So many places traveled and I seem to forget about some until I’m looking back for a particular photo. Then I run across some great pictures that I would like to share. So here are a few pics from my overnighter just inside the Missouri boarder. The short time there was so fun. Special memories were made and I know I will return again one day.

The Arch

The gateway arch in st. louis
side of the gateway arch in st louis
a view of the st louis arch at night

The arch is quite magnificent if you’ve never seen it up close. Made from stainless steel, it glistened in the evening lights. Only recently I discovered the arch was completed in 1965 making it just 57 years old.

the arch in st louis missouri
the arch behind some trees in st louis missouri
the arch at night

The Old Courthouse

St. Louis is also home of the Old Courthouse where the Dred Scott case was filed and heard. “The courthouse was built in 1839 and served as the site for a number of landmark civil rights cases” according to the Gateway Arch web page. You can read more interesting historical information about the Dred Scott Case at the National Park Service page.

the old courthouse
the old courthouse
a plaque in stone on the old courthouse
A statue listing the st louis freedom suits plaintiffs from 1814 to 1860

The Civil Courts Building

This is the Civil Courts Building. Built in 1930 to replace the old Courthouse. Interesting information “It was designed to mimic one of the “Seven Wonders of the Ancient World”, the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus or Tomb of Mausolus. It is then topped with a pyramid which has at the summit two “Greek sphinx-like figures” or “Griffins”, each 20 feet long, 12 feet wide and 12 feet tall. The architectural firm of Klipstein & Rathmann designed the building, who then later designed the St. Louis Post Office on Market Street in 1937.“

the civil courts building in st louis

Out and About In Downtown St. Louis

Finally, these photos are from sculpture and art discovered while walking around downtown. I hope you enjoy and of course, any feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading! xxooC

sculpture in downtown st louis
sculpture in downtown st louis
sculpture of woman laying on her side in a pond in st louis missouri
wall sculpture downtown
sculpture on the street in downtown st louis
Destinations, On The Road

The Midwest Beach, Indiana Dunes

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Loving the Beach

Hi all. I appreciate every single one of you following my journey. Now I want to share a place that’s quickly becoming a favorite getaway for me. I’ve had the good fortune on multiple occasions now, to visit the Indiana Dunes. This area in North West Indiana boasts a State Park and National Park . It’s the midwest beach. I wrote about scattering some of Eric here a few months ago. Several of you have messaged me and asked about it. So I thought I would feature an article about this wonderful destination spot.

There are many reasons to love this beach. Indiana Dunes National Park has 15,000 acres and 15 miles miles of beach according to the national parks website. This beach sits on Lake Michigan a freshwater lake, so the salt of the oceans’ beaches are not a problem here. It’s closer to the midwestern states than driving south to visit the ocean and there’s plenty of sand and sun during the summer months.

Getting to The Midwest Beach

map from the govenment parks website showing indiana dunes national park

Of course I’m not telling you anything the locals here don’t already know. I’ve visited this gorgeous place since I met my late husband in 1997. But I didn’t really appreciate it until now. Now I’ve had time. Time to go and just sit whenever I want. Time to spend just enjoying it, so I wanted to share it with you.

The sunsets here are amazing. On a clear night, I can even see the Chicago skyline. But besides these highlights, there is so much more this national park has to offer. The park has 50 miles of hiking trails. This midwest beach not only offers “rugged dunes” but also boasts wetlands, prairies, rivers, and forests.

sunset at the midwest beach in northern indiana
view of the midwest beach from central beach

Attractions

Tucked around the park you will also find lots of local eateries. If you are looking for a place to stay while here, there are also plenty of options depending on your budget and stay requirements. The government parks website also has a page to help plan your trip according to what you want to do. Although just sitting and listening to the waves is always my favorite. So if you are looking for a quick getaway without having to drive or fly and spend tons of money, check out the midwest beach in northern Indiana. I guarantee you will love it plus, if you want to get spicy there’s always Chicago within an hours drive.

Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

Past and Future Collide

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Past and future

As some of you know, and many of you don’t, I am a HUGE fan of electronic music of all genres. I discovered an upcoming show by a DJ I like and have seen before. He was coming to my old hometown of Bloomington, Illinois. So I bought tickets. The show was this past weekend.

This show was significant only in the fact that this would be my first trip back to Bloomington since last June. This trip was going to bring me face to face with my past and future.

Every trip I made back between June 2020 (when my husband Eric died) and June 2021 was super painful. So much so I just avoided going. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Bloomington/Normal and I enjoyed every day of the year+ I lived there. But going back to the place of my trauma brought up all kinds of painful memories.

But I decided now was time. Not to confront these emotions, fears, and trauma but the time to stop running from the slightest encounter with triggers. I’ve been in avoidance mode for far too long. I really didn’t give much thought to going beforehand. Anxiety and nervousness were there though. I could feel it rising.

marquise at the castle theater in bloomington illinois past and future

The past

The trip turned out to be exactly what I needed for my future growth. While there, I was reminded of a time just after his passing. I visited a retail store from my previous employment to pick up a few things. Trying to get in and out unnoticed proved unsuccessful. While chatting with a man I had spent some time on the sales floor with, he retold the story of losing his husband.

I had heard this story several times in my previous retail life but now it meant something different as I listened intently. The story was now more personal and I could feel his pain in a very different way. I was still in the first few waves of paralyzing grief. “Still in the fog” as they say. I remember, all I kept thinking was “how is he still standing here?” Then my thoughts went to “how did he get from where I am to where he is?”

So I asked. What was the turning point? His answer surprised me. He replied “I just got tired.” “Tired of feeling this” as his hand waved over his face and chest. I didn’t know what that meant at the time.

The future

Fast forward to now. A received a comment on another article of mine. A family member very close to me has also had significant loss in her life, including the loss of her spouse. His passing was shortly after my husband’s. She is still clinging to her grief. After this weekend of revisiting my past and the life I lost, I realized I am tired. Grief will always be my companion. But I’m tired of it dictating my life and my thoughts. I am tired of the physical and mental anguish. Yet I feel guilt for wanting to let go of the drowning, grief stricken feelings. Those are my badges that remind me of the deep love I still have for the souls I’ve lost.

So where do I go from here? I’ve gone from “waiting to die” to “maybe today will be good.” I made this transition purposefully and willingly. Sure the grief and trauma come back but I have developed a few tricks of my own. Grief has all kinds of surprises. I’m quite sure it has more in store for me. This trip was a win and I feel really good about it. That’s progress. xxooC

ducks by a pond in normal illinois past and future
Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

Things I Wished I Had Said

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An Idea Becomes Reality

My late husband Eric was never one to have anyone to make a fuss over him. His birthdays were never a big deal. I am absolutely positive he wouldn’t want his death to be a big deal either. But yet I felt I had to do something for the community he spent half his life in. I wished I had done something sooner, but something is better than nothing. So I organized a memorial/celebration of life. Since I’ve been spreading his ashes all across the country, I thought it only fitting that he be in Shelbyville, Kentucky also. The place where he worked and spent so much time with friends and family. Where he golfed, fished, and all of the other hobbies and things people do in their lives to spend time.

The Anxiety Begins

Since the moment I picked a definitive day and formally created the event, I felt anxious. Anxious for two reasons. One that my anxiety would go off the rails and two, that the whole thing would become something he wouldn’t approve of. The goal was to honor him and remember him, not mourn him but celebrate the impact of this great person on the peoples’ lives he touched. I think he would have liked that.

As the event drew near I became unhinged. There were times I wished I had not planned this thing. My anxiety was worse than it had been in over a year. It still is, even after this is all over. I want to talk about this because I am not the only one. I know many that struggle with anxiety. The hows and the whys it rears it’s head are still a mystery to me. Unexpected and unexplained are my panic attacks.

What I Wished I Had Said

Anyway, the event came and went. After the fact, I realized that there were things I wished I had said. Anxiety had me paralyzed leading up to the whole thing. In the moment, I didn’t really say anything about him. So here it is. Eric was a great human being. Only after his passing did I realize what an impact he made on so many. I still hear stories about things I knew nothing about. To me he was just Eric. My husband. My hero, my cheerleader, my partner, my companion. As with most couples, we argued, we grew as individuals together as well as growing as a couple together.

Our lives changed but we seemed to thrive on change. Stagnation was our weak point. Eric was insecure about himself. He didn’t see himself as a leader yet he challenged people to be better. He was the biggest asshole I know but he was so funny when he was. Most days he acted like he didn’t have a care in the world but he worried about everything. To the point he had problems sleeping. This is the man I knew. He was human, an inspiration.

Afterthoughts

I know he meant a lot, to a lot of people. I think we all have it in us. That spark that lights up someone else. Just when you think no one is looking they are and you just might be someone else’s inspiration, hero, role model, teacher, friend and not even know it. Even in death he has challenged me to think about what people will say about me when I’m gone. I hope I live up to the challenge.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

the tree at lake shelby where I spread Eric's ashes. I wished I had said more
Destinations, Uncategorized

A Horseback Ride in Colorado

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Horseback Ride? Heck YES!

While on my second visit to this wildly adventurous state, I took a horseback ride through the mountains. It’s been a minute since I took this trip to Colorado but I’ve been wanting to tell you about it. I’ll begin by saying I had no idea what I was in for which is usually how my best adventures start. I accompanied a group on this horseback ride which made the day even more exciting.

We used Mt. Princeton Hot Springs Stables in Nathrop. I can not say enough great things about this stable. I highly recommend booking a horseback ride with them if you are ever in the area. The horses are well cared for and the experience was stellar, both times. Check out this about me if you want to know more.

hot springs riding stables parking lot horseback ride
horses lined up to mount for horseback ride
mountain scene while on horseback ride

A Horse Named Maverick

We booked the 3/4 day waterfall trail ride this day. In the beginning I was a little intimidated because first, I’ve never ridden a horse for that long. Second, this was my only my second time on a horse in over 20 years. Luckily, I had just went on a sunset ride a couple of months prior and requested the same horse. Which I got, thankfully. Maverick was his name and he was steady, and sure footed. Previously, on my first ride with him, the stables warned me he would take his own path and wow, they were correct.

me on maverick
Me riding maverick horseback ride
horse in front of me
mountain scene while horseback ride

The morning began as an overcast day. We all met at a trail head where we mounted up. As we rode up one mountain and around to the next, through water and rocky hills, the clouds began to burn off. By the time we arrived at the waterfall, the sun was shining and the day was perfect.

Maverick blazed his own trail and made this horseback ride extra adventurous for me. At one point, the trail narrowed. There was a boulder blocking half of it. After Maverick stopped and surveyed the path, he jumped up and onto the boulder. Then he leapt over it while the other horses went around. Typically the horses would just follow in the footsteps of the horse in front of them but not him. Maverick would carefully survey the trail and choose the best path he wanted to take.

Afterglow

Lastly, I’ll just drop some more photos a couple of videos here at the bottom. This whole day was a surreal experience and I’m grateful for it as it left an impression on my soul. I loved everything from the magnificent views, the endless excitement, and just absorbing being out in nature. I’ve discovered a passion for experiencing remote places where few have gone before. Also this ride rekindled my love of horses. Maverick has a special place in my heart. I hope I get to ride him again someday.

I’ll say it again, if you ever find yourself in or around Mt. Princeton, Buena Vista area of Colorado, be sure to add a horseback ride to your to-do list. So whether you have never been on a horse or you’re a seasoned rider, I promise you won’t regret it!

me at waterfall
me next to the general and maverick horseback ride
me on maverick
on the trail horseback riding
mountain scene
me on top of maverick

Destinations, On The Road

Feeding My California Love

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How My California Love Started

My love for California started six years ago. I flew in to Ontario airport for the Nocturnal Wonderland Festival in the hills outside San Bernardino. The drive to the hotel was almost an hour. I remember thinking the landscape looked similar to Las Vegas but then it didn’t. That weekend changed my life because of the magic that happened there in the Glen Helen Amphitheater. Since then I have journeyed back to San Bernardino four more times.

Over the past year, I drove to Redding twice. Once for another festival and then just to go. For the festival, I drove from Redding to San Bernardino and back. It was a trip of a lifetime and again, magic happened. During this trip I fell deeper in love with California. Since then I have since longed to see more of this beautiful state.

The Los Angeles Tourist

Last month I flew to Los Angeles for the Tattoo Convention in Pamona, CA. From there I took a three day trip to LA and San Francisco. Let me tell you I saw so many sights in those three days my head was overwhelmed. I am so happy and grateful just to take it all in.

I know I will not get to these in the order I visited but each was super special. First stop was Venice Beach where breakfast at the Sidewalk Cafe was simply something out of a movie. Which by the way, I caught the filming of a movie and a commercial. I have no idea what they were, but I am excited to see if I ever come across them in real life.

venice sign california love
venice beach mural in parking lot california love
smallest lawn on venice beach california love

From there I walked the beach to the pier and back. The ocean smell filled the air. Muscle beach and the skate park distinctly stood out among the landscape. I saw lots of smaller attractions like the world’s smallest front yard and the Venice city sign at the entrance on Windward Avenue. I keep reminding myself, more photos, more photos.

scene from standing on venice fishing pier in venice california love
skate park on venice beach california love
scene of commercial being filmed on venice beach california love

More California Love in LA

Then it was on to Rodeo Drive. I didn’t shop but I did walk it. So many places to see in such a short time. A quick stop at the Original Farmers Market in The Grove. Michelina had the best sweet snack before heading to the original Cookies Dispensary on Melrose Avenue.

tiffany and co california love on rodeo drive
me standing on rodeo drive with california love
statue on rodeo drive

Melrose included more shopping but I won’t bore you with those details because next was West Hollywood and the walk of fame. Grauhman’s Chinese Theater was so intriguing. Moments marked in time by present and passed individuals that somehow left their mark on this city’s entertainment industry.

street sign from rodeo drive in los angeles
The grove building
beverly hills sign
sweets from Michelina in the farmer's market in los angeles
grauman's chinese theater
hollywood sign

The trip wouldn’t be complete without the Hollywood sign and of course a Beverly Hills street sign. My last stop before heading to San Francisco, was the Public Art “Urban Light” exhibit next to the Museum of Art. The light exhibit there was the backdrop of some of Gucci’s street show last year so I had to visit. This concluded Monday and Tuesday morning.

urban light exhibit in los angeles
urban light exhibit in los angeles
urban light exhibit in los angeles

Leaving Los Angeles

The drive to San Francisco was about five and a half hours long. The scenery on Interstate 5 was familiar until 580. I feel like Northern California has a distinct vibe that is much different than Southern California. I had that “aha” moment again like “why have I not been here before?” I find my internal dialogue saying that a lot.

I5 north of san francisco

My Short Stay in San Francisco

San Francisco was a lot to take in. Again, I wish I had taken more photos. My host and gracious guide made sure I saw the important places including The Golden Gate Bridge, Chinatown, and the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood.

golden gate bridge
golden gate bridge

One of the highlights was when I stopped for some fruit at the Haight Street Market. Next door to the market was a red building. I noticed about five people stopping to take photographs so I took one also. Later I learned this was The Red House. The site of Jimi Hendrix apartment while he lived in San Francisco in the 60’s.

haight street market and jimi hendrix red house
original ben and jerry's in san francisco
buildings in san francisco

I’m absolutely positive I’m leaving some places out. My time in lovely city was less than 24 hours but it left it’s mark on me. The city has a vibe I’ve never felt any place else I have ever been.

So that’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed the trip with me. Please comment, ask questions, all that stuff. Love you all. xxooC

sweet treats in LA's Farmer's Market
Destinations, On The Road

Tattoo Convention in Pamona, CA

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Arriving for the Tattoo Convention

lax sign

I had the good fortune of traveling to California recently. The Body Art Expo in Pamona, California was in June and I attended with my good friend and tattoo artist Rich Shires of Tattoo 42 in Beaverton, Oregon. Flying into LAX on Saturday evening was an experience in itself. I’ve flown into Ontario, California’s airport plenty but never LAX so this was a new adventure. Anyway, I arrived and off I went. Sunday came and the convention was more exciting than I anticipated.

Now I’ve attended many a convention in my former life of a tattoo shop owner but never like this. I was a guest of Tattoo Wrap so I spent quite a bit of time around this booth. Compared to other conventions I have attended, this one was warm and welcoming. I met a lot of friendly people along the way.

picture from booth at convention

Sights To See

It’s been a minute since I was at a tattoo convention. Performance artists were not a thing back in the early 2000’s but now they are everywhere from conventions to festivals and I love all of it. Suspension by flesh is an art and has always fascinated me. I was just starting to research the mechanics of it when we sold our shop in 2011. I guess you could say this is on my bucket list so I wouldn’t turn down the opportunity if it presented itself.

The performance artists were from Phoenix and wow, did they put on amazing shows. Below are a couple of videos. I made these videos rated R so be prepared to see flesh pulling and some blood. You have been warned. The shows were fabulous.

My Take Aways

There were many vendors beyond tattooers. Tattoo suppliers, t-shirt makers, jewelry makers, and other vendors were there. I can also say it had a distinct So Cal vibe to it.

I’m grateful to have been able to experience this. After attending the convention, I had a whirlwind tour of Los Angeles which will be coming in another post so stay tuned. Thanks for reading xxooC

me before tattoo convention on sunday
Lucy’s Adventures

Alive and Well in KCMO

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lucy alive and well in kcmo

Lucy’s Traveling and Health Check

Hi everyone! It’s been a few weeks since the last update, and Lucy has been on the go. She is alive and well and made the trip to Indiana and back for the memorial. After Indiana, we traveled to Kansas City, Missouri where she has been for a couple of weeks now while I went out west (more about that later.)

Before this trip to KC, she saw Dr. Belcher because she lost some fur on her head and at the base of her tail. Dr. Belcher increased her prednisolone from one and half pills a day to two full pills a day. This seems to have helped as her fur is starting to grow back. She seems less itchy also.

She had her monthly flea medicine and still takes CBD oil once a day. At the time she saw the vet, her blood work came back with a urinary tract infection so she had a 10 day antibiotic treatment which she completed while I was out west.

lucy in kcmo

Layover in Kansas City, Missouri

I was so very fortunate to have my dear friend in KC look after her while I was away. She acclimated just fine. I was a little concerned with the transition as she’s been with me since January. This would be the longest we’ve been apart but she seems to have handled it well and gotten into a routine pretty quickly.

So here are a couple of photos of her with Wip, my friend’s malamute. I think he’s quite indifferent to her being there. They kind of just tolerate each other. Neither actually cares that the other is around.

lucy and wip in kcmo alive and well

Lucy will be in Kansas City until mid July then we will be on the road together again. Stay tuned to find out where we go next and for more updates.

So until next time! Thanks for reading. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

One More Year and Another Birthday

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Fireworks for another birthday

Navigating Another Birthday

At the beginning of this journey after losing my spouse, I was unable to cope with my feelings. At all. Unable to feel the correct feelings or over feeling seemed to last longer than I expected. In 2020 my husband left just before my birthday. I had a few friends and family message me “happy birthday” with very unforeseen consequences for them and me. This lovingly sent message unleashed something terrifying inside me. I still don’t know exactly what it was but the closest I can come to describing it was rage.

I hit back and I hit back hard. As I’ve said before, I make no apologies for what I felt, what I feel, and how I express myself when it comes to my grief. This year has been a little different. As I watch these same friends and family tip toe around my birthday today, they still don’t know where I am or how I will react. The sting is gone. Now only a deep sadness remains. Sure I’m having a birthday, I’m one year older. I’ll celebrate with a piece of cake later and probably a drink. I’ve come much further than I could ever have imagined just two years ago. But what does that mean?

This is Where I am Now

I’m certainly not over this huge loss and trauma I’ve experienced. I’m reminded of that every time I have a panic attack, or my PTSD rears it’s head with a grip so tight it paralyzes me. Am I becoming normalized to this new existence? I believe so. Isn’t that what time does though? It normalizes us by subjecting us to the pain and constant bombardment of the terrible things so we can wake up, expect it and still move through our lives. At least that’s what it seems.

So today was another revelation that I just may be able to look forward to a time with a little less pain. Maybe a little less disfunction. And just possibly a little hope and dare I say, a brief little bit of happiness.

birthday cake

Again, thanks for reading my ramblings. Love you all xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

My Engagement Ring, A Love Story

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tiffany & company clock in las vegas

Engagement Ring Shopping, NOT

I love Tiffany & Co. I try to visit every store I can when I find one. The service is exceptional and I just love the iconic jewelry. I enjoy everything about just being inside the store. The quote from Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany’s is true “…nothing very bad could happen to you there.” But this is not a plug for Tiffany’s and that’s not what I was really trying tell you about. Also I need to add my engagement ring did not come from Tiffany’s.

A section of Tiffany’s I usually try to avoid at all costs is the bridal and anniversary section. Because let’s face it. First, I can’t afford anything there. That’s beyond the obvious fact I’m neither getting married or will ever have another anniversary so I figure, hey why tempt myself. Anyway, somehow I ended up strolling through this section in Portland, Oregon over my birthday weekend. I was struck by the Tiffany single solitaire diamond. We’ve all seen it in the magazines. This ring is much more beautiful in person which made me think of my engagement ring with it’s long sorted history.

My Engagement Ring Story

My late husband’s proposal was definitely a story to accompany my engagement ring. Not a beautiful, romantic story as I have heard others tell, but still an interesting one nonetheless. He started by asking what my favorite stone shape was and I answered him with a princess cut. That’s all he needed. He went to a family owned jewelry store and the sales girl helped him pick out a diamond. Then the setting. Side note, after he proposed he tells me he put back the original diamond he chose as he thought it would be “too large and overpower my hand.” To which I thought what girl would ever choose the smaller diamond? But I dared not say that out loud. My ring was gorgeous. The most beautiful ring I had ever seen and my man picked it all out himself. I fell in love with my diamond.

my engagement ring

Next he took me on a trip back to his hometown of Valparaiso, Indiana. He waited until my birthday in 1997. We stayed at his friend’s house. We woke up in a small but quant bedroom. He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. We were married in February the following year.

For our fifth anniversary I asked for more bling. So we traded in my old wedding set, a cathedral platinum setting for a band with more diamonds. This band had a row of 3 baguette diamonds down each side. Again, my man picked this out for me. I loved it. We threw in a plain platinum circular wedding band. This was my set. I wore it with pride and loved it for many years.

Perfectly Imperfect

That was until I broke a prong. I took it in to be repaired. The jewelry store (I won’t mention any names because the story takes a good turn) tried to “fix” it. They destroyed my ring. It could not be fixed. The manager refused to give me a new one or replace the diamond prong setting. It never looked the same. I was devastated. For over ten years I had a ring that brought me to tears when I looked at it. I couldn’t wear it. So I put it away.

Then one day, I was working at the mall. A new manager from the same jewelry store was in shopping. She handed me a card trying to recruit me or anyone I knew. I told her my story. She invited me to bring my ring in. My hopes were not high. She had the diamond setting replaced and made it look just like it did when I bought it. All for free. I cried, and cried some more. I loved my ring again.

Lost And Found

Fast forward now to about two weeks before my husband died. We travelled south to our daughter’s wedding. I tore my jewelry box apart on my closet floor looking for something borrowed for her to wear. My engagement ring had fallen on the carpet and I didn’t see it when I returned everything back to my jewelry box. After we returned home, and exactly six days before he passed, my husband found my ring on the carpet. He commented “here’s your engagement ring” and laid it on the shelf in the closet. Then he died.

I was going through things shortly after just putting valuables together and I saw my ring. Sitting there, on the shelf he put it on. He was the last person to touch my engagement ring, and there it was. This ring that had meant so much to the two of us. A promise between us. Till death do us part. I put it on and wore it for many months. Then I took it off.

Another Reminder

My moment in Tiffany’s reminded me of my perfect, beautiful ring. A symbol of a life and a union that no longer exists. As I have been reminded several times during my new widowhood, I am no longer considered married. I can’t wear it. I don’t know what to do with it. At this moment in time, I can’t bear the thought of removing the diamonds or shaping it into something else. Maybe that will come in time. I’m finding a lot of things I can’t hold onto anymore but I am unable to let go of.

So for once, Tiffany’s was not my happy place but a crossroads for me. I realized I will always live with one foot in this life, and one in that one. These moments will continue to come. For how long, I don’t have the answer to that. Thanks for reading. xxooC

Is there anything you have been holding onto from a life you no longer have?

Destinations, Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Going Home, A Midwest Story

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sunset on indiana beach going home

Going Up North

The drive didn’t take long. The usual four and a half hours. This trip was different though. This time I was going to do something that was long overdue. My husband is going home. I’m taking his ashes back to his home state of Indiana. I decided to spread part of his ashes on the Lake Michigan beach called The Dunes, where he grew up and spent a lot of time. He moved to Kentucky back in the early nineties but family is still there, and very close friends. We frequented his old haunts quite often throughout our more than two decades together. Chicago and northern Indiana was a trip we traveled often.

Going Home After 2 Years

The morning came and I woke up more anxious. I’ve never had negative feelings about putting him somewhere and although I know and love his family, I think having them all in one place and the actual experience of saying goodbye is what put me on edge. The finality. As I said, this was long overdue. We all gathered a little after 7pm.

Some friends and family members I had seen recently, some not. The homecoming was good. It was peaceful. He would have approved. There at dusk, we stood in a circle and told stories about him like he was truly gone, but yet not really. The way I have felt for two years, others shared my feelings. The exact same feeling. I’m always astounded in hearing how much he touched lives. Lives that I was completely unaware. There is always a story somewhere that surprises me. This gathering was no different. The loss was apparent. Brother, son, friend, uncle, father, they all were there. The life of this man cut so short. The pain I experience is also experienced by each and every person attending this gathering. The relationship may be different but loss is universal to the human existence.

sand covering my husband's ashes on indiana beach going home

Afterwards

The whole thing, I hate to call it a ceremony, I don’t think he would approve of anything formal and I just want to call it going home. Anyway, the whole thing lasted longer than I expected. It was way more emotional than I expected also. At the end I put him in the sand. No prophetic words, nothing. I had nothing to say. I’ve already said it all. I still say it, I can’t believe a life is over. His life. Our life. My hope is that one day, when all of the ashes are gone, I will find peace.