Tag Archives: #thewidow

Saying Goodbye, When You Really Can’t

May 21, 2022 The Blue Widow Leave a comment

Saying Goodbye is Hard

Let’s face it. Goodbye seems so final. Unless you really don’t like someone but that’s not what this is about. A quick Google search led me to an article in Scientific American about the meaning of the word goodbye and why we say it. “It’s a contraction of “God be with ye,” which conveys a blessing or prayer or hope that the person upon whom it’s bestowed will travel safely.”

I’ve always avoided saying goodbye to anyone because the word just seemed infinitely not what I wanted to say, ever. So instead of saying goodbye, I would say “until next time.” It’s more fun and doesn’t have an ending. It connotates “until I see you again” which may or may not ever happen. It also has a light, airy feeling about it. Way more fun and easy.

Water with rocks and birds. Saying Goodbye

What happens when you can’t say goodbye because you didn’t? And now you can’t. Now, today is a situation in which you will never ever see this person again. Well, let me tell you from experience that you start over thinking every last words that were said between you. Then it hits you, no matter how much you wanted it to be there, there was no goodbye.

What Now?

Again I ask, so what now? Endless days of guilt evolve and play out. Coulda-shoulda-woulda is a constant companion. Until one day enough is enough. Yes, we are talking about me but I know I am not the only one. I am not the first to experience what I have experienced, and I know I will not be the last. I recognize there is nothing at all special about me or my circumstance. All I can do is tell you my story and hope it helps someone.

The Answer is NOT the Answer

I don’t have any answers. I spend every day saying goodbye all over again. I’ll never get that chance back but I have to find a way to live with that and it not eat me from the inside out. In the end, it really doesn’t matter to anyone else now that there was no saying goodbye. But we didn’t.

All we said was “I love you” instead. Because you see, we had friends experience something similar to this but it was early on in our relationship. One of them died, unexpectedly. We talked about it a lot. It almost haunted us for a couple of weeks. We never wanted that to happen to us. So we decided never to go to bed, hang up a call, or part ways without saying “I love you.” So I guess in a sense, we did say goodbye. And on most days, that gives me peace.

Me walking on the beach on Sanibel Island Florida. Saying goodbye to the day.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. I love you all. XxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Traveling Alone. A Personal Story.

May 10, 2022 The Blue Widow 18 Comments

Why I’m Traveling Alone

Hi there, I think it’s time we address this topic. Yes, I have been traveling alone for the past 2 years. I decided early on that I would never turn down an invitation. That means I am usually en-route to see friends or family. I believe getting there is half the adventure!

Me at Cascade Canyon Wye, Colorado. Traveling alone.

Yes…undoubtedly there are some of you I haven’t gotten to yet. My apologies and promise I will reach out to see you soon!!

I believe what few understand is the trauma surrounding grief. There is a lasting physical and mental trauma that no matter how much medication and therapy it never goes away.

I won’t mince words here. In June 2020 I was stricken with unbelievable panic disorder, PTSD, and complicated grief. The best one can hope for is to bury it, disguise it, learn to function throughout the day to appear normal on the surface. Subsequently I’m still working on all of that. I can’t say I’ve found the answers to anything. What I did know is I had to keep moving for my own sanity. Make no mistake, I mean moving not moving forward. Moving forward after loss is still a concept I haven’t made sense of nor pretend to understand.

Sanibel Island beach, florida. Traveling alone

Sunset in Venice, Florida. Traveling alone

The Beginning of My Journey

My first trip booked was to Sanibel, FL by way of Venice, FL. To quote my therapist “the only person stopping you is you.” The most profound words I have ever heard. I booked the trip and off I went. It was scary, it was liberating, it was self serving, it was eye opening.

Salt Flats outside Sale Lake City, Utah. Traveling alone in my truck.

Salt flats outside Salt Lake City, Utah. Traveling alone in my truck.

The next trip was out west. I thought well…”if I can do Florida, I can do the west coast.” And again, off I went. I journeyed to Redding, CA, then to San Bernardino, CA (which may turn into another post hopefully) and as a result, has led me to even greater adventures.

On the road in Colorado. Traveling alone.

How It’s Going- Traveling Alone

Now, for those of you wondering where and what I’ve been doing, here’s a little run down. From California in late summer 2021, I ventured up to Portland and Bend, Oregon. I made a mini road trip to Seattle, Washington. I’ve been to Buena Vista, Colorado Springs, and Denver, Colorado. I fit in a quick trip to Chicago, IL. I even went to visit my people in middle Illinois that summer too. Hey peeps I see you!! I’m absolutely positive I left some places out.

I used to hate driving but now I love it. It’s really all about time. Driving is annoying and counter productive when time is limited and valuable. Whenever time is no longer a factor, driving can surprisingly be the best way to get around. I can take whatever I want and stay as long or as little as I want.

Wintering in Florida

After the summer adventures out west, I traveled again to Florida in the fall. I was fortunate enough to see the keys for the first time in my life. It was in late 2021 and I kept thinking “why have I not been here sooner?” Key West and Key Largo were absolutely amazing and beautiful beyond words. I am grateful to be able and to have experienced these life changing spaces and moments. I wish this for everyone, I truly do. Go live your life, on your terms.

Me laying on the beach in Sanibel, Fl. Traveling Alone.

Traveling Alone in 2022

In January of this year I attended Groove Cruise out of Orlando, Florida. I drove down and met friends then traveled over to the coast. We cruised from Port Canaveral to Freeport, Bahamas and back. And that trip my friends is a WHOLE nother story!

In February and March I made another road trip back out west. California and Oregon again. All of this wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Kansas City, Missouri. It’s my jumping point to Colorado and the west. Additionally, I’ve fallen in love with the city and continue to go there.

The squad out for the night on Mariner of the Seas. Groove Cruise 2022

The squad in an elevator on Mariner of the Seas. Groove Cruise 2022

Shows and Festivals

I’ve done two full on, multi day festivals, Hard Summer 2021 (2 days) and Groove Cruise 2022 (4 days). Groove Cruise was on Royal Caribbean’s Mariner of the Seas. Hard Summer was in San Bernardino, California. I’ve seen a couple of small shows in Chico, California.

What’s Happening Next

In the near future, I’m visiting Forecastle Fest in Louisville, KY for one day only. There’s a trip planned to Las Vegas in the summer and then who knows, perhaps California again. Besides Forecastle, I’m looking at Hard Summer again in July although there is nothing definitive yet.

Later this year I also have Escape Psycho Circus in SoCal already on the books for Halloween. The first one since Eric left. It was his favorite festival above all others. After that, who knows. My schedule is filling up quickly.

Lastly, there has been talk of snowboarding in the fall and winter to prepare for an Alaskan heli/cat skiing trip in February 2023.

If there is anything you want to specifically see or to see me do, write me. Share me with your friends. Please give me feedback, I want to hear from you. Love you all! Xxoo C

Destinations, Uncategorized

A Castle in Colorado, Visiting Bishop Castle

May 8, 2022 The Blue Widow 2 Comments

First Impressions

First off, I want to say when I decided to visit a castle in Colorado, this was not what I was expecting. I knew nothing about this place beforehand. After driving more than hour, what I encountered was easily something out of fairytales and days gone by.

Parking was on the road and I had to walk up a hill before the whole area came into view. Then I was completely amazed. Bishop Castle is free to visit and it is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Enter at your own risk!

A Little History About The Castle in Colorado

From the website Bishop Castle this was the dream of Jim Bishop and he has been working on construction for more than 60 years. There are 3 floors with a grand ball room, lots of staircases, landings, and little secret spots.

Navigating The Castle Interior

No part of the castle is off limits but be warned. The staircases are narrow and lots of landings are high. Although there is railing, one could easily go off or over. The floors are well, sketchy in parts but the views are worth it.

the glass ceiling of the grand hall. castle in colorado. bishop castle.

standing outside the roof of the grand hall. castle in colorado. bishop castle.

ceiling of the grand hall. castle in colorado — This is the ceiling in the grand ball room from inside.

The history page on the website is fascinating and full of information about how the castle came to be. It tells that at the tallest point the castle stands at roughly 160 feet. The Learn and explore page gives more information about the dragon and how it was born.

castle in colorado. bishop castle in rye, colorado.

The website and signs say that from the beginning and subsequently, until the addition of the gift shop, the castle relied solely on donations.

The gift shop can be seen in the distance.

So if you ever find yourself out near Rye, Colorado, the Bishop Castle is a must see. You won’t be disappointed. I’ve heard it’s gorgeous at night also. Remember it NEVER closes! Thanks for reading!

Destinations, Uncategorized

I Eat Tacos at Guy Fieri’s Dive in Kansas City

April 30, 2022 The Blue Widow Leave a comment

Out and About

My last night in Kansas City, MO and I wanted to eat tacos. So before heading home from this last trip, I spent it out and about in KC. Last stop over I stumbled upon Guy Fieris Dive and Taco Joint in The Power and Light District downtown. I tried to go then but they were closed during the afternoon I visited so I opted for another restaurant across the street. It was good but it wasn’t Guy Fieri’s. If you didn’t already know, I am a huge fan of Triple D and Triple G!

The street entrance to Guy Fieri’s Taco Dive in Kansas City Missouri

This time I got to go and eat tacos! I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was to visit Guy’s Taco Joint and yes, it was everything I hoped it would be. The atmosphere inside was just like stepping into a dive off of Triple D. Or maybe I imagined it but either way it was a great time.

I sat near an open air window. They have these garage door type windows that roll open on nice days. The weather had been nice that day and the air was a little chilly but nothing too terribly cold.

The stairs leading up to Guy Fieri’s Taco Dive in Kansas City, Missouri from the street entrance — I can’t believe I’m actually here!!

Navigating The Menu

I located the menu online before going and found it large enough but not overwhelming. The taco menu was still hard to decide upon. Each order was for 4 tacos. I could order the same 4 tacos or split the order and have 2 different ones. I opted for the latter and had 2 el Pastor and 2 grilled shrimp. My friend also split his order and had 2 grilled shrimp and 2 carne asada. We also tried the carne asada fries.

Guy Fieri’s Dive & Taco Joint in Kansas City Missouri menu. Eat tacos!

Guy Fieri’s Dive & Taco Joint in Kansas City Missouri menu

I typically don’t eat beef. After driving past the cattle ranch in Stockton, I gave it up. It broke my heart but on occasion I will indulge and this was definitely a special occasion.

I eat these tacos at Guy Fieri's — I think the pictures tell it all. The food was amazing. Everything was so flavorful just as you would expect from the name. I will absolutely go again next time I have the chance.

Carne asada fries — I think the pictures tell it all. The food was amazing. Everything was so flavorful just as you would expect from the name. I will absolutely go again next time I have the chance.

A Glimpse Inside

Here are a few shots of inside the joint. The decor is a mix and very eclectic. Lots to look at. The women’s bathroom had magazine covers on the stall walls and doors which was interesting. I highly recommend if you ever have the time and are in Kansas City, MO to go check this place out.

The wall at Guy Fieri's above the table where I eat tacos.

Inside decor at Guy Fieri’s Taco Joint in Kansas City, Missouri

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Destinations, Uncategorized

A Day Riding Wolf Creek Ski Area

April 28, 2022 The Blue Widow Leave a comment

My (in)Experience Riding

Before I get I get into telling you about my day riding, let me talk about my experience so far with snowboarding. It has been smaller places like Perfect North Slopes and Paoli Peaks in the beginning. Afterward, I advanced to Snowshoe Mountain, WV and thought I was doing well. This was in the early 2000’s.

Turns out I have osteoporosis. I found this out after I broke my wrist in 2005, and then my foot in 2013. Yes, both breaks were while snowboarding. I thought my days on the slopes were over, that was until I talked with some friends out in California over the summer. They invited me out to go snowboarding, so I went. Unfortunately the weather had other plans and most of the snow on Mt. Shasta had melted by the time I got there. The warm weather over the next week did not help either.

Then came an invite to Mt. Hood in Oregon. This was bucket list. This I did. Happily. Being on a mountain again was good for my soul. It reenergized me and cleared my head. I rode Timberline Lodge and dare I say only after 4 runs, I felt great! You can find Timberline’s trail map HERE if you are interested in looking. I’ll tell you all about that experience later.

A day riding at Timberline Lodge in Mt. Hood, Oregon — Getting ready for my first run down the trail at Timberline Lodge!

After I arrived back in Kentucky, my dear friend in Kansas City saw my social media pictures and asked to go to Colorado for the end of the snow season. I immediately screamed YES!! Of course I will go!! Getting a taste of the mountains again was something I had longed for.

Map of Wolf Creek Ski Area — Wolf Creek Ski Area Trail Map

Prepping For The Day Out

Not really knowing what to expect I was a bit intimidated. I forged on with the trip. Remember I haven’t REALLY rode for about 9 years. Wolf Creek Ski Area did not disappoint. We started out slow on Friday with about 5 runs to get acclimated to the altitude. Acclimating is something I’ve not had to do before although believe me when I say I felt it. All of it.

Walking onto the ski area at Wolf Creek in Colorado

Parking lot and lodge at Wolf Creek in Colorado

The Second Day Riding

The next day it was ON! We rode a total of 15 runs for the day. The longest run we took that day being a little over 1.6 miles. On The Snow.com will tell you lots more about this area. Wolf Creek is in southwest Colorado between Pagosa Springs and South Fork. Wolf Creek is also called a “small” area although it is large enough to stay occupied all day and never really hit the same slopes more than a couple of times if exploring is your thing. Which for me it is, until I find a run I really want to conquer. With speed. The trails higher up were not sloppy at all. Also being the end of the season weekend, this meant the trails weren’t crowded.

photo from a day riding at wolf creek ski area

another view from the trail at wolf creek ski area

Sorry so grainy but you get the point!! L)

Takeaways From A Day Riding

All things considered, this was a spectacular day. The sun was shining (which also led to a sunburnt face…always wear your sunscreen people!!) the wind was howling through the tree line towards the ridges of the mountains. I was able to get through the day with just a hoodie I picked up in the shop and a medium pair of snow pants. If you want to know more details of what I wore and the trails I rode, just ask! Thanks for reading!

A view from the Treasure Stoke Lift

Destinations, Uncategorized

Train Ride From Durango

April 28, 2022 The Blue Widow Leave a comment

About The Train and The Ride

When my good friend says “hey, I want to ride this train up in Durango so I booked us some seats” you say yes! I had no idea what it was or what I was getting into. Easter Sunday came and off we drove from Pagosa Springs to Durango.

Now let me tell you a little bit of what I learned about this train ride. Apparently it’s famous, and it’s one of the most scenic tours. This train, railroad, and the station are all national historic landmarks. A quick history search which can be found Here says the town of Durango was established by the Denver & Rio Grande Railway which arrived in Durango in the late summer of 1881. The train was used to haul passengers and freight. To visit the main page go to DurangoTrain.com

The main engines are coal fired steam and all of the rail cars are restored antiques, each with their own stories.

the durango train ride steam engine stopped at the cascade canyon wye

The page goes on to tell how it came to be what it is now. I also learned there is more than one train used for these excursions. There is also a museum and restoration/maintenance facility for the cars right on sight. Rail services include multiple types of rides with different destinations depending on your interests. Prices are reasonable. Seats are available in economy and first class. We took first class on the Alamosa car and it was truly a memorable ride.

where our train ride stopped and turned around. — Our trip went to the Cascade Canyon Wye and back, about half way to Silverton.

Train Ride Half Way Point

At the Cascade Wye we stopped for lunch. There was a scenic little picnic area to relax. This was also the place to take photos of the train, and go exploring for a bit. We found an old bridge.

river under bridge at cascade canyon wye, train ride

The views from the bridge were breathtaking. The whole trip was actually. The train tracks hug the canyon wall with a sheer drop off to one side of the train. This allowed spectacular views and lots of photo opportunities.

train tracks back into durango on train ride

The Way Back To The Station

On the way back to the station, I tagged along with another couple that wanted to walk the inside of the train cars. I’m so glad I did. We made it all the way up to the first car. Here are some photos I took along the way.

metal roof inside rail car — This was the roof of one of the cars. This was definitely a vibe.

glass roof inside rail car — This was the roof of one of the cars. This was definitely a vibe.

Surprisingly the cars moved around more on the tracks
up towards the engine.

Here are some shots from around Durango and the station. I stayed and had lunch at a little taco place that was a whole other story. I would definitely take another ride and I hope to do this again someday.

Thanks for reading!

Blue Widow Chronicles

Tag Archives: #thewidow

Saying Goodbye, When You Really Can’t

Saying Goodbye is Hard

What Now?

The Answer is NOT the Answer

Traveling Alone. A Personal Story.

Why I’m Traveling Alone

The Beginning of My Journey

How It’s Going- Traveling Alone

Wintering in Florida

Traveling Alone in 2022

Shows and Festivals

What’s Happening Next

A Castle in Colorado, Visiting Bishop Castle

First Impressions

A Little History About The Castle in Colorado

Navigating The Castle Interior

I Eat Tacos at Guy Fieri’s Dive in Kansas City

Out and About

Navigating The Menu

A Glimpse Inside

A Day Riding Wolf Creek Ski Area

My (in)Experience Riding

Prepping For The Day Out

The Second Day Riding

Takeaways From A Day Riding

Train Ride From Durango

About The Train and The Ride

Train Ride Half Way Point

The Way Back To The Station

From loss to living. This is my story.

Saying Goodbye is Hard

What Now?

The Answer is NOT the Answer

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Why I’m Traveling Alone

The Beginning of My Journey

How It’s Going- Traveling Alone

Wintering in Florida

Traveling Alone in 2022

Shows and Festivals

What’s Happening Next

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First Impressions

A Little History About The Castle in Colorado

Navigating The Castle Interior

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Out and About

Navigating The Menu

A Glimpse Inside

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My (in)Experience Riding

Prepping For The Day Out

The Second Day Riding

Takeaways From A Day Riding

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About The Train and The Ride

Train Ride Half Way Point

The Way Back To The Station

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From loss to living. This is my story.