Tag Archives: #widowchronicles

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Goodbye, Malice: Coping with the Loss of a Beloved Dog

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A Pet is a Companion

Coping with the loss of a dog or beloved pet is never easy. Losing Malice was a very painful experience. One that many pet owners have had to face. The bond we share with our furry friends is truly unique, and losing them leaves an immense void in our hearts.

In 2009, Malice was born and three years later she came to live with us. Our last Chow had passed away about five years before that. It had taken my late husband all this time to get over the loss and decide that he was ready to embark on another furry adventure.

malice on the front porch coping with the loss of a pet

Our dogs are not just pets. They become cherished family members. When they leave us, the emotional impact can be overwhelming. It is important to acknowledge and understand the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Recognizing these stages can help us make sense of our emotions and begin the healing process.

The Time in Between

When we brought Malice home, as with any new friendship, it took time for everyone to become trusting of one another. But it didn’t take long before she was playing with her new feline buddies. This time in between dogs allowed Eric and our family time to cope and heal.

Allowing yourself to grieve is an essential part of healing. Give yourself permission to feel the pain and express your emotions in a healthy way. Whether it’s talking to friends and family who understand or joining support groups or online communities for pet loss, seeking support is crucial. Surrounding ourselves with people who empathize with our pain can provide immense comfort and solace.

Ways to Honor and Keep the Memory Alive

One of the ways in coping with the loss of a beloved dog is to honor your dog’s memory. This can provide a sense of closure. Consider organizing a memorial or tribute for your dog, where you can gather with loved ones to celebrate their life and reminisce about the happy times you shared. Creating a memory book or scrapbook filled with pictures, stories, and mementos can be a therapeutic way to remember your beloved dog and keep their memory alive.

I’ve collected photos and put them in a special folder on my desktop. It really brings a smile to my face to see pictures of her young and with other family members. I will always have a special place in my heart for this little soul. She brought my family so much joy during her time here.

malice sitting in the kitchen
malice on a pontoon boat coping with the loss of a dog
malice in her favorite tee coping with the loss of a dog
malice laying on the bed on her side coping with the loss of a pet

Paying it forward can also be a beautiful way to honor your dog’s memory. Volunteer at local animal shelters or rescue organizations to help dogs in need. By sharing your love and compassion with other animals, you are not only giving back but also finding purpose and healing in the process. If possible, consider donating in memory of your lost dog to support animal welfare causes. This act of kindness can create a legacy for your beloved pet and help other dogs in need.

Take ALL the Time Needed

Just like losing Lucy last year, healing takes time. Coping with the loss of a beloved pet is a process that cannot be rushed. Permitting yourself to heal at your own pace is important with any loss. I know some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. I’m allowing myself to experience the grief, but I’m also trying to find moments of joy and gratitude amidst the pain.

Odin has been a huge comfort during this time. I had another family member lose her dog earlier this year. She adopted right away. Adopting a new dog can bring immense joy and love back into your life. It doesn’t mean you are replacing your lost dog. But rather opening your heart to a new furry friend who can provide companionship and comfort.

Losing a dog or any pet is an incredibly heartbreaking experience. But it is possible to find solace and healing. Take the time to grieve, seek support, and honor your dog’s memory. Remember, healing is a personal journey, and it will happen at its own pace. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions. When the time is right, consider opening your heart to a new dog and pay it forward to help other animals. Although your dog may be physically gone, their spirit will always be with you. I know Malice and Lucy are still with me.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

Going Backward While Moving Forward

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photo of downtown chicago from wrigley stadium

Is it Forward or Backward?

I know, the title kind of doesn’t make sense but the feeling is real. Many aspects of my life seem to be moving backward while others are moving forward. I will somewhat always live in the past, that is true. But we are all forced to move forward with the passage of time. As I’ve said before, understanding and accepting this isn’t always easy.

Backwards

My move was settled about a month ago. It was anything but smooth. One would think it easier to take everything down three flights of stairs versus up however, that wasn’t the case. Also curiously, and although I tried really hard not to buy a ton of shit, I in fact, had a ton of shit. Stuff I had accumulated in the short time living in my tiny ass (600 sq. ft.) apartment in Chicago. Wow, I’m still scratching my head about that one.

my apartment in chicago
odin in my apartment in chicago

I’m kind of still living out of boxes. Every day it seems I’ve lost something or can’t find something. And then I tear through boxes again thinking I should have labelled everything.

My new job is fun and I love my co-workers. With Christmas coming up, I am working more. Just for now though. Next year will be somewhat different. Due to the reasons I moved back, I don’t really know what next year has in store for me. I’m both anxious and uneasy about the future. I know there will be more tests to my mental health.

Backwards and Forward

A couple of weeks ago I went backward and forward again, simultaneously. I had to put Malice down. She was mine and my late husband’s husky. We adopted her in 2012 when she was three years old. She was a very unique soul. Watching her go was devastating. It was like losing another piece of Eric. I know she is with him. I felt it. I’ll make an article about her soon. I just haven’t gathered the right words yet.

In the mean time, here a few pictures of her. Her remaining years after my first move from Illinois back, were spent in Kentucky with Eric’s dad. She had a good life.

She was fun and smart. In her early years she was an instigator. She was always the cheerleader of bad doings at the dog outings. I always said she wouldn’t start the fight but she was right in the middle cheering it on. Malice pranced when she walked. She had a swagger of a diva. Lover of all things sparkly and anything that made her stand out. Shirts, sweaters, collars, bandanas, she loved to dress up. Oh and she sang. She had her favorite songs and if you’ve heard her then you know. I will miss her.

malice moving forwards and backward
malice in bandana moving forwards and backward
malice laying down
Forward

One final thing I wanted to share. I’m putting this out there for my own personal accountability. I am starting my own online publishing business. The business should be up and running in a few months. I’m heavily invested in this in all aspects. I’ve become so passionate about it and love it already. I’ll probably be posting less as I’m still learning the process, and writing of course.

Thanks for reading. I love you all –xxooC

Have you had a time where you felt you were moving both backwards and forward simultaneously?

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

When There is Just More

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Just More Unexpected Trauma

It happened again today. Another flashback, just more trauma. Reliving the “thing” I don’t want to think about, let alone discuss. But there it was. I think this whole experience is all part of reconnecting with the world. After a traumatizing event, it’s hard to be part of something. Because being part of something means exposure. Being vulnerable to more trauma again and never quite knowing when or where I’ll be drawn back into it for a moment, an hour, a day or more.

Luckily today was just moments but the lingering effect lasted much longer. I was taken back several years to just after my trauma. I was trying to make sense of the world around me. Always moving, never looking over my shoulder. Putting time and distance between me and “it.” Today it caught up with me though.

Unintentional But Still

I was doing routine things. At work, not really on guard. It’s a semi-warm day today so I didn’t wear stockings. My thigh tattoo was exposed. Someone saw it and commented and asked about it. Then the whole office was asking, surrounding, questioning. Then there I was, back in my trauma. Explaining what it was, why I got it. Who did it, when he died. All of it. There, at work and I said it all without batting an eye. I’ve come that far by the way. I was very proud of myself. I stood there and told the tale. Then I retreated.

I went to the washroom where no one was and I cried. I cried like I did when I got this tattoo. Like I do every time I spread more of him and feel his soul touch mine once again. The feeling I get when I’m back in my safe place, back when all of this never happened. When I took it all for granted. When I was whole and completely naïve.

Ending The Night

All I can say is tell the people you love what they mean to you because there may not be a tomorrow. Not for them, not for you. I know how cliché that sounds but for my husband it was true. Tomorrow did not come for him. So live like there’s no tomorrow. The one question I go to bed asking myself now is, am I proud of who I am and what I did today? If the answer is yes, then I sleep a little better. If not, then I hope there is a tomorrow that I can do better.

Thank you for reading. I love you all. -xxooC

sunset on a street in chicago
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

The Things I’ve Said as A Widow

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The Things I’ve Said that Still Surprise Me

I’m sitting here watching a thunderstorm roll in. One of the subtle things I love most in this world. The smell of rain. The calm before the storm. Quick flashes of lightening and a glimpse of what’s coming. We never really know what’s coming though. Every moment, every day. Although it may be routine, somehow someway, something unexpected always pops up. This story is about the things I’ve said that really surprised me when I hear the words come from my mouth.

I had a conversation with another widow today. Her story was like others I had heard. Her husband died because of an illness. His death wasn’t quick. He didn’t want to leave and his leaving was devastating. They had been married a very long time. And in this conversation I had another revelation.

The things I’ve said since Eric left that I never thought would ever escape my lips. I’m speaking of the words I never thought I would ever say pre-trauma. I’m still surprised when something like “my husband died” rolls off my tongue. Another is “my life now after my husband passed.” Still the one that always stuns me is “now that I am single.”

What Still Surprises Me

I never thought I would be single again. That title eluded me for a long time. I was very reluctant to take it until it was forced upon me. Taxes and the IRS are to blame but I took it anyway. Now I bare it like a sign, or a badge. My heart will never be single. He will always dwell there, inside my soul even though outside we are no longer a couple.

This widow I spoke to today has been 12 years a widow and like me, she is choosing her own path. We didn’t speak about what her life was right after. But I felt we shared some commonalities. The pain in her eyes was still there and when she said “I’m 12 years, you are still new” I knew then, she had a perspective so I rebutted “time really doesn’t matter” to which she responded “no, it doesn’t.”

Time. Friend or Foe?

That right there. That was the moment that solidified everything I’ve thought up until now. Time does not heal all wounds, it just masks and allows us to cope better. Time allows experience to learn how to not say the things I think. So far, it’s taught me to hide everything inside better. Time allows me the learning to keep buried what needs to be and to be able to function in society again.

Right after Eric died, I spoke to a dear friend I used to work with. She too lost her husband suddenly to an accident two years prior. They are both young. She said to me “girl, it’s hard.” At the time I didn’t know what that meant. I do now. It is hard. It will always be hard. Coping, existing, living past the death and trauma of losing a life partner is hard. It’s a different kind of loss. Hard is the beginning, middle, and will ultimately be the end.

I love you all. Thank you for reading -xxooC

open road the things I've said
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

What NOT to Expect in Mourning

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From What to Expect to What NOT

I realized after I published Part 1 of “What to expect when you ARE in mourning“, I left a few things out. Although I did touch on some physical expectations, I completely missed the massive emotional and mental aspect. So here is Part II. I’m calling this one What NOT to expect when you are in mourning.

The Mental Part

The first thing I can tell you not to expect, is to be the same person again. Ever. There are moments in one’s life that completely change and define you. Losing someone close is one of those moments. The closer the soul, the more of a marker in time a death becomes. There is only before and after.

Second, do not expect to make rational decisions. My thought process was completely driven by the intense emotions I was feeling. I definitely wasn’t clear headed. Nothing meant anything to me and material possessions from a life I no longer had were worthless. I got rid of almost all possessions in one way or another. I don’t recommend doing so alone. This decision turned out alright for my situation but again. I don’t recommend it for the first year.

The Emotional Part

Thirdly, emotions were uncontrollable for a while. I did not expect this and I couldn’t hide them. I’ve gotten better though. But for what seemed like a long while, they quickly went from rage, to sadness, to indifference all within a short span of time. I felt stunned most of the time. Disbelief and confusion filled in the rest. I remember saying I know it happened, but I just can’t believe it happened.

The next thing I didn’t expect was the desparate longing that kicks in. Along with the emptiness. I believe this is part of the bargaining stage. Desparation to have just one more moment of that perfect peace with your loved one still with you. It’s there, you can almost grasp it. But the peace is never within reach. Don’t expect to ever fill the void your loved one left. This is the one feeling time will never heal. This feeling creeps in again. And again. And again. When it’s least expected. Triggered over a thought, a memory, a gesture. This is the wave that’s often talked about. The tidal wave of grief.

The Physical Part

Finally, don’t expect grief and mourning to just be emotional. I wasn’t prepared for the physical manifestations that came along. The side effects of grief and in my case, sudden loss. The pain is intense. Deep physical pain that never really goes away. Time just teaches how to mask it better. My energy level declined. I don’t think it will ever be what it was but I am finding ways to cope.

Last but certainly not least, I’m going to speak strictly about widowhood. Don’t expect your life to resemble anything close to what it did before. Ever. Widowhood changes everything. From self care, to the way I eat. The biggest realization was that I was alone in taking care of myself. I lost the comfort in those intimate life moments. The ones when I had someone there. Always knowing where I was. The constant daily conversations. Gave way to a huge, hollow void.

The Opportunity That Awaits

In the end of the list, of what not to expect while mourning. I would like to leave you with a message of hope. For in my grief I see possibility. In what’s left of my life now, I see opportunity. Opportunity I never would have thought possible. Because in all of my loss, came a freedom. I am free to do things I would have never done before.

My final words are…don’t expect good things NOT to happen. When I lost everything, anything seemed possible. With all of the mental and physical scars I still had to live each day. And only I could determine how that day would be. My therapist said the most profound words that stuck with me, even today. “The only one stopping you, is you.” So I leave you with this, take a chance. Do one thing you have always wanted to do whether it be by yourself or with someone else. I know it’s scary. Just do it. You’ll thank me later.

Thanks for reading. I love you all. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

What to Expect when you ARE in Mourning

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That’s right, when you are in MOURNING

If you haven’t lost someone significant, then this article isn’t for you. If you have, then you may be familiar with what I’m about to talk about. It’s all of the things that are not discussed in daily life, but exist in the world of someone mourning. Let’s get real about mourning and grief. Let’s talk about what to expect when grieving the loss of someone you loved.

I’m going to start with relationships. What to expect first is, most people around you including friends and family simply will not understand. Some may think they do, but they don’t. Unless one has lost the same relationship, no one gets what you feel. No one will empathize with you and very few will know what is appropriate to say or do. The few that will, well they will ultimately be your tribe but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Second, there are so many rituals that go along with death. What to expect, and what happens in a post-covid world are completely different things. Nothing is right or wrong and everyone deserves the right to choose what is best for them and their loved ones. Especially when it pertains to end of life choices and decisions. Don’t just go along with someone elses expectations. Do what feels right for you and don’t worry about pleasing anyone else, no matter who says what.

Other things about what to expect

Third, most of those around you do not have your best interests in mind. They only have theirs. It’s really hard to tell because intentions may be good but these people, family, and loved ones may not be good for you. And this is a problem because discerning what is real and what is false is super hard when you can’t think straight. So my advise is to surround yourself with people you completely trust. If there is a hint of something crazy, cut them off. It’s okay to put a relationship on hold and reconnect when able. You’ll be glad you did.

Fourth, don’t have regret. In mourning and grief one clearly can’t think straight. It all takes time. How much time? Well, that’s a very individual answer as well. Each person moves through grief differently because of a number of factors. So tread lightly, don’t make any decisions you don’t have to, and wait until you feel better both mentally and physically. Hint…your people will be there for you with no questions asked. They won’t have alterior motives and they will only be there to assist. Not for “what’s in it for them” or to make themselves the star of the show. As I said before, these are your inner circle. They will be your life line and your comfort.

And a few more things

Fifth, you will suffer physically. In ways you can’t even imagine. The stress and discomfort from grieving will touch your very soul and manifest in physical ways. Listen to your body and be aware. Slow down when you need to. Draw boundaries when appropriate. Rest when you can.

Sixth and final thought. Don’t do anything that doesn’t feel right. If it all feels wrong, it probably is. Go with your gut because that’s all you have. Don’t trust anything just because you should. Finally, it’s okay to draw boundaries and postpone anything and/or EVERYTHING until you feel you can deal.

One last thought

That’s it. These are the things I wished I had known going into my experience with grief. The things no one talks about but everyone who has been through it knows quite well. No one can prepare you for your grief journey. Everyone is different and every journey is unique. What we can do is to find support and support each other.

Thanks for reading. I love you all xxooC

lillies what to expect
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Cat Tales or is it Tails?

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Felines on my Mind

It’s snowing here in my little slice of Chicago. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. My last dream was about Lucy. I’ve been playing with the idea of getting another cat for a while but somehow I can’t commit. I guess I feel like it’s just not the right time. With cats, it’s been my experience, that when you know, you know. Cats seem to adopt their caretakers. Not the other way around. This had me wanting to share some cat tales.

Anyway, I had this on my mind this morning. After I got over the sadness of holding Lucy in my dream, I was quickly chuckling over memories of my late husband. He didn’t really like cats much when we first met. In fact, he kind of hated them. So I got one for our daughter. Then one became two and well, you know how that goes. We quickly had a furry family.

The Kitty Whisperer and a Cat Tale

Over the years our family grew and shrunk. Some cats aren’t destined to stay. They just need a place to land and recouperate before moving on to their forevers. So we considered our house a home for wayward animals. Eric fed everything that ventured onto the front porch. Whether it be feline or of another species persuasion. It wasn’t long before we were quickly going through a 20 lbs bag of dry cat food every week, but he loved it. It wasn’t unusual to see an opposum or a raccoon on the front porch. We often talked about setting up a camera to see what we were encountering because sometimes, we would wake up and whole big bowl of food would be gone overnight.

My husband often called himself the “kitty whisperer” and with good measure. When we were in Kentucky, there was an instance where we were alerted to a “stray” cat that had been put out of a house, down in the cul de sac. Eric spent weeks going down and laying a trail of food for him to find his way to our house. Bubby lived out his remaining years under our house in the crawl space. Going in and out of a vent, Eric would fill his food bowl twice a week and put it back under the house.

Ladybug came to us as the neighbors across the street moved out. They left her. Declawed and homeless. Again, Eric left a trail of food to the front porch. Ladybug spent 3 years as our porch kitty. Content to spend her days lounging on the railings. She wasn’t sure she wanted to be an inside kitty again. Eric kept trying to bring her inside but she insisted she wanted out. That was until we moved in 2019, and then she quickly adapted to life indoors.

ladybug on the front porch cat tales
mini cat tales
pickles cat tales
lucy
nacho

Cat Tales from the Kitty Ranch

Our daughter is also a cat magnet. She brought more than a few home. Eric fell in love with every single one. When he came home from work, every animal got their special “Eric” time. Every one. Every day. I often overheard their conversations. He had his favorites but he truly loved each one for who they were.

When Em was young, she once asked Eric where he went on the weekends. At the time, he was on a shift from Thurs-Sun. So to her, he was gone all weekend. He told her he spent his weekends at his kitty ranch in Wyoming. And just like that, The Kitty Cowboy was born. Eric could tell some tales. She believed him and he proceeded to tell her some of the wildest, funniest cat tales imaginable. Sometimes he would take along a kitty or two from home to help out with the all of the kitty wrangling and ranch chores.

I remember one instance when Em was in middle school. Her teachers sent a note home. The note said the last few days of school would be spent as if the children were away at camp. We had to pack pillows, flash lights, blankets, and other things. Parents could send packages like mail. Eric sent her a package with a letter from the kitty ranch. We still talk about it to this day.

Letter from the kitty ranch cat tales

The Biggest Tales are the Best Tales

Once I got a text at work. Eric proceeds to tell me Lucy showed him the zipper where she takes off her fur coat. She took it off and ran around the back yard naked. He said it was so amazing. And then promised her he wouldn’t tell a soul, but of course he had to tell me.

Another story comes to mind of Nacho. Nacho was Eric’s favorite although he wouldn’t admit it. Nacho was the master Ninja. He has blades of steel on the ends of his toes. These blades are unmatched. Nacho weilds them like no other kitty because he is specially trained by a Liger.

Animals bring so much joy to our lives. I love my dog Odin dearly and he is becoming this quirky, fiercly loyal, and fun loving guy. Odin has stepped in as my emotional support animal for my chronic disorders but still. There is just something about a cat. So until my kitty love finds me, I’ll be sitting here patiently waiting. I just hope it doesn’t take too much longer.

Where are my fellow cat lovers? Show me some photos and tell me some cat tales until I find my kitty love again.

Thanks for reading. I love you all xxooC.

Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

Managing The Widow Brain

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Widow Brain and The Fog is Real

I often go back through photos to remind myself what I was doing a year or two years ago. Widow brain and brain fog is a real thing. Settling down to one place for a while has me reminiscing more than I ever have since Eric left. Managing to amass so many pictures of places I’ve been and things I’ve done seems overwhelming sometimes. I do miss traveling. There was a sense of calm just being alone on the road.

Many times I’ve heard about widow brain and brain fog. From what I’ve read, it typically lasts up to a year. Mine has lasted much longer due in part to experiencing complicated grief and PTSD. But what exactly are these things? Brain fog is a result of the grief trauma. The mind simply can not process what has happened. And while the symptoms may have commonalities, each individual is different and will have different experiences. This results in mental and physical unintended side effects of grief. As the brain processes and tries to heal, widow brain can result. For me, it’s like walking around in a daze sometimes. I was unable to process time. Mostly living in the moment, I lacked the ability to think very far ahead in terms of weeks, days, or even hours sometimes.

The Traveling Fog

I decided to spend my fog in happy places. My body was in the most beautiful settings yet mind wasn’t there. I’m finding it harder and harder to really remember what I was doing but I definitely remember how I felt. Mostly empty. Searching. Confused. Fortunately I had my people along the way that helped save me. Now I see from what. From myself.

Looking at photos gives me so many mixed emotions. Sometimes I am sad that I can’t remember the moment better. Disappointed I couldn’t have lived in them just a bit longer. More grief because that moment in time is gone and either I didn’t appreciate it enough, or I just existed there. Other feelings are exitement I experienced this space. Grateful for the people I was able to experience it with. Thankful I could even go at all.

savannah georgia sign widow brain
hollywood sign
marie laveua's house in new orleans
lorraine motel sign
lake pontchartrain sign
the golden gate bridge widow brain
st louis arch
menu from guy fieri's taco dive widow brain
the shining picture at timberline lodge
flagstaff road sign widow brain
elevator on cruise ship with GC logo
me in front of sign at casperson beach florida widow brain
welcome to golden colorado sign
smith rock state park sign widow brain
mt antero trail map
rest stop in nebraska
me in front of cottonwood pass sign widow brain
napkin from durango train ride
venice beach sign

Coming Out of The Fog?

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past two and half years is that I am resilient. I didn’t know I was but I guess still being here and healing is a reflection of that. Inside, I’m starting to put everything together slowly. Time doesn’t stop. My mind will never completely heal though. On the outside I may have my shit together but inside, I’m still a grieving mess. I’ve come to terms that I always will be even though coping may get a little easier.

Somehow I get a daily reminder of this. Working has been challenging. Some days I’m just not up to the mental task. Sometimes simply coping with increased anxiety becomes so terrifyingly overwhelming. I take moments to pull my mind together. Especially when I have multiple tasks with a deadline to meet. I have to remind myself I am not the overachiever I used to be. Just doing my best has to be good enough because at the end of the day, a job is what I do. A job is not who I am. My sanity is worth more. Taking time to take care for myself has become so very important.

I don’t think I realized that by traveling and taking the “me” time, I was taking care of myself. Now I have to find other ways. What are some ways you take care of yourself, either mentally or physically?

Thanks for reading! xxooC

me in front of seaside sign
allman bro memorial
me on the steps of the st louis arch
me on the slopes at wolf creek
me at a look out point in california
me in castle in colorado widow brain
me in the seattle space needle
me in front of colorado sign widow brain
tybee island sign
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Time. In “quotation marks.”

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“A “Time” for “Home”…

I’ve been increasingly curious about time since my husband left me. I think I was in this “isolated bubble” so to speak. A place where I lived and didn’t observe much around me that didn’t include him. Now I have lived alone. I’ve traveled alone. Something I never really did before. I never wanted to settle down again. Have a place called “home”, because let’s face it, he was everything I ever knew of, that was called a “home.” Now all of that is gone so I have had to put things into different perspectives.

I recently moved. Moved to Chicago, Illinois. I signed a lease. Which was hell for me for anyone who actually knows me. Because I hold an Illinois real estate license and renting is truly “throwing money out the window.” But I needed to plant some kind of “roots.” I accepted a job offer and I needed a place to “stay” for a while. So unfortunately I found a small 600 square foot flat in “the city” which I absolutely adore. If it was a co-op I would definitely buy in, but it isn’t, so I can’t. I signed a lease and I have approximately ten months left before I need to “vacate.”

sunset from my apartment in chicago. time

A time for Planting “Roots?”

Now I’ve never been one to securely “plant roots” unless I was sure I wanted to be there for “a while.” In Kentucky, “before Eric,” I never really lived in one place for more than a year. So I was always ready to “up and move.” Once Eric and I “settled” and we moved to Shelbyville, Ky, it took time before we actually hung stuff on the walls and “made it our own.” We ended up there for 20 years, but that’s another story.

In 2019 when we moved to Normal, Illinois, I was in my house for six months before I hung anything on the walls. The lease here in Chicago is literally for 11 months. It’s a “short term.” I have about ten months left so I consider it a “short stay.” Yet I find myself succumbing to wanting to make this place “a home.” I have no idea where this came from except the fact there has been no “home” for me since Eric left in June of 2020. Nothing felt permanent enough to really call it “home” since then.

“So what is happening” I ask myself? Why am I calling this “home”, and wanting to make it feel “homey?”

The only conclusion I can draw is that I have this instinctual need to now call some place “home.” It has been about two and half years since Eric died. Right then I committed to walk the country to whatever end I wanted. To do whatever “whim” I chose, at that moment. And I did that. But now, I have actually chosen my path, instead of letting the path choose me.

plants in my apartment in chicago. time

“Final Analysis”

I feel like I am on uncharted waters, not knowing where “the wind will take me next.” I am open to whatever presents itself but all of this is new to me. A new time. A new place. Something completely different from what I ever imagined for myself. All I can tell myself is “hold on, the ride is just beginning.”

And so we go. Into what feels like a time distortion. The unfamiliar. “The unknown.” Please comment if you feel any of this too. I want to hear your story!

I love you all. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Just A Quick Note

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A Status Update

Just a quick note to update everyone. I’ve been working so much lately because of Christmas it’s been almost impossible to sit down and write. To the contrary, a lot has been on my mind. When I do sit down and actually write something, an outpouring of emotion is all I get. Nothing tangible I can place in an article. I lost a dear friend over Thanksgiving weekend. I’m still trying to process this.

With all of that being said, this quick note is to let everyone know that writing is still in the forefront of what I enjoy doing in my spare time. The holidays have a way of forcing reflection. Whether it be what was lost or what is still here. Somehow, this time of year is just special. If I don’t get something out in the next couple of weeks, I wanted everyone to know I am still here. Settling in in Chicago has been both interesting and fun. I’m in the Logan Square neighborhood which is NNW of the city, but still considered “the city.” Nothing like a completely new way of life to get my mind off many things. I was just saying the other day that sitting still is now a luxury. How quickly I forgot how it feels to have a whole day to do nothing.

my christmas plant in my new apartment

I’m in and out so much I decided to do a Christmas plant instead of a tree!

This post marks a milestone for my blog too. It’s my 50th post. So after the holidays and things settle down a bit, I plan on getting back to writing more. In the future, I will tell you more about Odin. He is such a joy to have around.

So Happy Holidays to all my friends and family. I love you all and thank you for following my journey. It’s far from over and I have so many more adventures, thoughts, and ramblings to share with you so please stay tuned. xxooC

Me and Odin at home just a quick note
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Self Love. How I am rebuilding.

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What is Self Love?

“Self love” is not to be taken as vanity. When I say self love, I mean learning to like myself. This means accepting me, my body, the imperfections, the mental states I fluctuate through, the flaws, all of it. In a previous article, I talked a little bit about learning to love myself again. After the trauma of losing my husband, I can honestly say I lost myself. Completely. I became a shell of the person I was.

Finding My Self

At first, everyone kept telling me to be kind to myself. Back then I had no idea what that meant. All I knew then was that I didn’t like myself, the world, and everything around me. I didn’t really care about myself anymore, neither physically or emotionally. Looking back, I think some of these feelings are normal. Especially at the beginning stages of grief. But they are undoubtedly destructive and traumatic.

Finding any acceptance and self love again is a process. One that can be long and complicated regardless of the circumstances which caused the loss. Also, the process can quickly become stalled or derailed for any number of reasons. Sometimes the path forward is very unclear.

As I began to travel and spend more time with myself, I realized I didn’t really know “me” at all anymore. I had to get reacquainted with things I liked doing, foods I liked eating, and so on.

sunflowers on my morning walk rebuilding self love

How I Started Rebuilding Self Love

Below is a list of 10 things I started practicing regularly. Small things I keep coming back to. Even when I’m traveling, I try to be mindful of the small rituals. They also provide stability in my life when the world around me is changing. Each one has helped me on my journey to regain self acceptance and build my self love.

This is how I regained some self love in a few quick steps.

  • Set an early alarm.

    Whatever time I have to get up, I set a separate, earlier alarm.
    This allows me reflection and relaxation time. I can lay there and enjoy a few minutes of the morning before starting my day. Sometimes I get up and look outside. Other times I lay with my eyes closed and focus on what I want to accomplish today. Most times I just use it to enjoy how good the warm bed feels. This sets the tone for the rest of the day.

  • Allow one indulgence every day.

    This can be as simple as a favorite coffee creamer. Try a new scent in the shower. Listen to water falling or birds chirping. Can’t get outside? Here’s my quick search on Amazon Music of nature sounds to try. Stop and enjoy the smell of fresh flowers or essential oils. Pet an animal and feel the soft fur. I Indulge my senses in something that brings me joy at least once a day. The feeling stays with me and instantly puts me in a good mood.

  • Don’t look in the mirror too much.

    Of course I need to be presentable but I don’t linger in the mirror like I did in my younger years. At first, after the trauma event, I didn’t look in the mirror at all. This was me avoiding my self care. Then I looked in the mirror too much, obsessing over what I had neglected. The road to acceptance was somewhere between getting ready, self affirming that I looked ok, then not looking again. Unless it was an occasion glance when I visited a wash room. You’ll be surprised how much your appearance starts to take a back seat to whatever else is going on for the day.

  • Do something that makes you feel good about your body.

    Again, this is involving the senses. I purposefully do one thing, everyday that makes my body feel good. It can be taking a walk (my energy level is still low) lotioning myself (my skin is perpetually dry). At night, whitening my teeth is an occasional “feel good” thing I do after brushing and flossing. Polishing my nails with a clear coat is another big one.

  • Laugh.

    This sounds simple and really it isn’t. Sometimes I don’t feel like laughing. Some days are just too intense. Those are the days I try hard to find something funny. The other day it was reading my daughter’s old school journals from elementary school. I try to laugh at least once a day. Maybe it’s looking through memes on social media. I have my Instagram feed set so I see funny memes and tweets. I often share them with family members when I know they will love them too. A shared laugh is always doubly sweet.

  • Provide service to someone else.

    This one doesn’t have to be difficult unless you make it. It can be as big or as little as you are comfortable with. I have made it a habit to open doors for others. Ask if an elderly person needs help with their groceries in the parking lot. Let someone in when they are trying to merge in traffic. Simply put, make someone else’s day better.

  • Don’t be judgmental.

    If someone else is doing something I don’t like and it’s not directly bothering me, I walk away. The energy wasted on just even thinking negative thoughts is not worth it. That energy can be used in a more positive, productive way that will make me feel better. Just don’t do it.

  • Eat slowly and make proper food choices.

    This is a huge one for me. I struggle with food constantly. My eating habits have changed drastically in the past two years and I tend to eat very unhealthy. So when I haven’t chosen the smartest meal, I chew slowly to enjoy each bite and I leave some on the plate. Simple. It works for me. I also try not to beat myself up about what I’m eating. Tomorrow is another day to do better.

  • Don’t over drink alcohol.

    You knew this was going to be in here somewhere. I tend to drink too much. When I do, it’s not pretty and I end up eating too much also. I start to hate myself. I feel terrible later. Both mentally and physically.
    Now when I think I’ve drank too much, I try to drink a LOT of water before going to sleep. And I mean a lot! But, I wouldn’t have to if I just didn’t drink so much. These are just suggestions and tips. I’m still working on this one.

  • End the day with gratitude.

    When I’m laying in bed at night, just before I close my eyes, I try to reflect on the day. I try to find at least one thing I am grateful for in that day. Maybe it’s seeing friends and family. Sometimes it’s something I’ve experienced. Other times it’s a polite comment someone has payed me which takes me back to 6 and 7. I bought a journal (sponsored) in Florida that helped me document my goals and gratitude daily. If it helps to journal, then definitely do it. I highly recommend it.

It Really Is That Simple

So there you have it. I’ve tried to make it as simple as I can. I wanted to share the things I’ve been practicing. No, I am not a master at any of them. On certain days I find some of these are more difficult than others. I don’t do every one every day. Though again I will say, tomorrow is another day to do better. And as time flows on, I believe they’ve helped me. Finally, building self love is a journey and any progress is still progress. Baby steps.

Good luck and let me know what works for you! Do you have any suggestions for things you use?

Love you all. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Surviving Loss, Reflections Of A New Life

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Preface: I wrote “Surviving Loss” six months ago. It truly is a piece on reflections. Where I was then is not where I am now. In six months, I have had two celebrations of life for Eric. I have journeyed to new places I have never been before. Seen things I’ve never seen and experienced things I never thought I would. Grief is still with me but I am in a different place with it.

When I reread this, I found meaning and a message I wished to convey which is why I am posting it even though it’s a little outdated for me. I hope you get something out of it too. Thanks for reading. xxooC

I Am Surviving Loss

It’s been 21 months since my life took a distinct and dramatic turn. Surviving loss means that today I find a completely different me after a year and nine months into this new life I did not choose. I’d like to say I’ve learned a lot since my husband’s passing in June 2020. Everyone calls me strong. I hate that word and I don’t especially like hearing it. I’m not strong, I simply open my eyes everyday. It’s something that must be done because there is no other choice for me.

What Surviving Loss Taught Me

I have struggled almost daily. Grief is a weird thing. I can’t say I understand it any more than the day this journey started. The one and only thing I am absolutely sure of now is, I am still here. I find ways to go on. With surviving any loss comes guilt. That I have also learned. How I deal with the guilt is what matters. At some point if I do not make peace with it, it will destroy the rest of the time I have left here.

Loneliness is another constant struggle of surviving the loss, especially the loss of a companion. I shared meaningful time and space with someone that no longer exists. Now these memories are mine and mine alone. New memories will not erase them or their impact on my life and soul.

Time does not heal all wounds. That saying is a myth and anyone who has lost someone closest to them knows this. Time in fact does heal quite a bit though as I think it has smoothed out my memories. Time allows me to perceive things just a little bit differently. Not so painful as when the event was first experienced. What I mean by this is, I move through time after loss, the event seems further away. As I put new memories and distance between the event and now, my brain somehow begins to interact differently with the world around me becoming more engaged and less stuck. However, the curious thing is that the pain remains. The pain is ever flowing like tidal waves against the beach. Sometimes the waves are small and other days they are big. It would be so nice to have a forecast.

Finding Self

My life has changed so much since that day. As time continues to move forward, the old me becomes less and less familiar. Would he recognize me now? I don’t know, as some days I do not recognize myself. I went through a period of self hate. Grooming habits were thrown aside and became of little interest. My thought pattern was, if I didn’t like myself, I didn’t want anyone else to like me either. But others close to me still, did in fact like me, and had lots of love for me.

My wise daughter once told me I should try to look at myself through my husband’s eyes. She was so right because once I finally could do that, my perspective changed. I loved this body I was given and I didn’t really want to destroy it anymore. After these revelations, I found a bit of joy visiting with my family and I could see they really cared about me, more than I cared about myself. This felt strangely comforting. Maybe that’s more healing.

I’ve read it takes 66 days to form new habits. I’ve also found this to be somewhat true. Trying to get back into the world around me has taken much longer however, practicing one new habit for several weeks has proven to be beneficial to my emergence from paralyzing grief. The smallest of things I considered a huge accomplishment at first. I started with simply texting, no phone calls. Just reaching out to my closest friends that were there for me in the beginning.

Finding Self Love

I also started practicing more self love. This phrase made absolutely no sense to me at first but it means caring for your body. The body still has needs. Food for sustenance, bathing for cleanliness and hygiene, the mind needs stimulation. Small things that felt good and brought a moment of relief from the intense pain. It all was hard at first and I took baby steps but over time, these small gestures of self care grew into love. I think I love myself more than I ever have in my life because I’ve survived this long. After being a couple for more than two decades, I have survived on my own and that is an accomplishment I never thought I would ever see.

indiana dunes at sunset surviving loss

Surviving Continued

I don’t have the answers. I’m not a therapist or a coach. I am only sharing my story. This is my story of grief and surviving loss. Just like every individual is different, every grief story is different. No two are alike. We may share some similarities but we are all different. I believe the key is finding what works to help navigate in the world around us.

Ultimately I will never heal, only learn how to be a functioning member of society again. I don’t believe the pain and sadness will ever go away but now my goal is to balance it with good. My husband would want this for me. I want to honor him and I want his memories to live on.

If you have lost someone, talk about them. Talk about the good times, the stories, their lives. If anything, I’ve learned grief will always be a companion but it doesn’t always have to be the derailing detour it tries to be.

sunflowers blooming surviving loss