Tag Archives: #ptsd

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Speed Bump Days

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The Intense Anxiety

Another mile stone came and went this week. Monday would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. I knew this day would come. Not the speed bump day, but the day when I couldn’t run from the feelings. Until now, before this move to Chicago, I would just go wherever I want to spend a painful day. Some place I can’t possibly be sad. Last year I was in Redding, California and the year before was Sanibel, Florida. Sounds great and it was. Well that didn’t get to happen this year. I couldn’t get the day off and was forced to work.

I wasn’t quite sure how the day was going to go. And I must say I was extremely anxious about it the night before. The thoughts of working, being in a vulnerable environment should things go south was overwhelming. My GAD was definetly getting the best of me. The next morning was worse but I eventually got out the door. I was especially nice to everyone that day because I wanted everyone to be nice to me. My emotions were crazy. The flashbacks and PTSD even came back that morning. I cried harder and more than I have in some time. But as I keep reminding myself, my tears are for me.

sunset from my bedroom window speed bump

Making it Over the Speed Bump

This day came and went just like all of the other 900+ days since. I’m still here. Picking up the pieces of my sanity. Struggling to look normal on the outside while quietly falling apart most days. Every time one of these speedbump days rolls around. There’s this gentle reminder I’m not the same person I was and life for me will never bear any resemblance to what it was before that day in June of 2020. I wish I didn’t have to continue to mourn but parts of me will, for the rest of my life.

I started this blog to get my writing out and just to have a place to house it. Along the way, so many of you have reached out with personal stories of your own grief and how my writing has touched you. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone and I am humbled that my writing can help anyone. The common thread I see, is that we all have some level of grief in our lives but each one of us is unique. So how we feel it, how we deal with it is a completely individual story. I still believe we never process or move on from the trauma suffered from grief. It just gets redefined. And somehow with each new speed bump comes the learning experience on how to deal with it in my daily life.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

a white rose
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

My Disordered Life

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Life with PTSD. What it is…

I’ve wanted to talk about my disordered life a little more in depth for a while now but didn’t exactly know where to start. Then, just the other day I suffered a set back. I was a passenger on a road trip. Not a terribly long one, but I decided to catch up on social media posts. In a news account, I discovered a tweet from a father on the day of a school shooting. This man recounted the day his son was shot and died. This alone was not a trigger. As I kept reading though, he described telling his family that his son was gone. This was the trigger.

My EMDR therapy has softened the memory of actually discovering my late husband already deceased. Now what has surfaced instead, is the memory of telling my daughter. Hearing my child crumble in pain knowing there is nothing I can do to ease her pain. Listening to her break apart and absorb what I said. It’s almost indescribable until I was reading it. His description was exactly what I experienced. I felt his distress. In an instant, I was reliving my own trauma.

Suddenly I felt my anxiety rising. I was caught in the flashback of telling my daughter over the phone and lying on the floor crying with her for what seemed to be an eternity. Finally, hanging up the phone knowing she had this huge gaping wound I couldn’t do anything about. Then I realized I wasn’t in that space anymore. But yet I was. What was happening? A flashback. An uncontrollable emotional and physical response to a traumatic event. This is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Management and Finding Support

Now I have my ways of coping with the anxiety. The physical symptoms which spontaneously occur through flashbacks and social situations. Two and half years on, I am just now beginning to make a little progress in managing my involuntary reactions to triggers. It’s been a long road so far. I’m just one of the lucky ones that have found some sort of support. I realize that PTSD never fully goes away. It may change, it may morph into other stressors but never truly disappears.

I wanted to bring awareness to this condition because I never really knew that much about it before. Sure, most of us know others with this condition. I did. Before I could read what the symptoms are but I didn’t truly know what it was like to live with PTSD. Unfortunately now I do. Because everyone is different, the severity and symptoms are completely individualized.

PTSD has many symptoms. I have dealt with a lot of them. Some days I’m more fragile than others. Some weeks I can go days without thinking about or experiencing triggers. Others not so much. But I’m not giving up and I’m not giving in. I tried that and it didn’t work either. If you have someone in your life with PTSD, my suggestion is just to listen. It’s nice to know I have people around me that want to just be there and listen. No judgements, no opinions, no recommendations, just listening or in some cases, just being there.

An Anxiety Disordered Life

In my life before, anxiety was familiar, but for the most part it was under control. There was a time before when it ruled my life but I had moved on, and found ways to work through it. After my event, my anxiety went out of control. At first it was so bad I couldn’t sleep or drive. My diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I learned in therapy that my life had been unexpectedly altered. For that I couldn’t count on the normal routine of anything anymore. Since then, I have come to know a little more normalcy. Which has helped yes, but the anxiety still comes. Usually in an unexpected setting. When I am least prepared.

The Only Way Is Forward

For many with either of these, the way forward is difficult and sometimes seems impossible. Sometimes I still feel that way but the one constant for me is time. Time will continue to move forward even if I don’t. In that fact, I find some consolation and a bit of peace in my disordered life. Time has become the one thing I know I can count on. It will never leave me and it will always be the same, no matter what. For now that is enough.

Thanks for reading! xxooC

a rainbow signals hope in my disordered life
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

More Loss and Finding Hope

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First Comes Loss

I’ve experienced more loss in the past two years than I have my entire life. I am quite sure other folks have had much more than me so I am in no way saying I am special. But with the passing of Lucy, I was able to watch her go. I’ve been preparing for it for a while. Something I didn’t get to do with the other losses in my life. I’ve written about trauma and I believe being present is a special kind of trauma. One that hits hard and shakes to the soul. Losing is one thing, watching the loss was something altogether different for me.

Somehow though, processing this loss has been easier which leads me to the question, am I stuck on the other loss because of the circumstance surrounding the passing? I would love some feedback from others that have had to prepare for a loved one’s passing and were there when it happened. Was the event so traumatic that it alone was hard to recover or did watching the process and preparation make it easier to accept and recover. And please, when I say “recover” I use that term loosely. Recover just means to return to a somewhat normal existence on the surface. Functioning I suppose.

more loss and finding hope in lucy's death. Lucy's noseprint
more loss and finding hope. Lucy's paw print

Next Comes Lost

I’ve said before. Loss is loss and everyone experiences and reacts differently. No one’s experience is right or wrong. I also believe there is no time limit for feelings and emotions. They last as long as they last. I know I’ve somewhat learned to live again, and on the outside I may look like I’ve moved on. My insides say differently. I still get waves of the gut punch and the breathlessness when I think about the life I had, the life I should have, and what will never be.

I visited my doctor recently who is a deeply spiritual man. He looked me in the eyes and told me the only way through grief is through service. Only then will I appreciate what I have now and see past my loss. Those were wise words that I already kind of knew, but hearing them solidified that. I have had the opportunity to do small things since my journey into grief and mourning started and the feeling I felt was indescribable. My doctor also said to make sure I was living a life that honored my husband. A life in which he would still be proud to call me his wife. That hit home. I’ve been lost. A lot. Spiritually and physically.

Finally Hope

So now I’m thinking, maybe I’m getting better at handling loss. With that I mean, maybe I am developing instincts and ways to cope and deal and possibly block out the super painful things that I can’t deal with again. That’s a scary thought. I’ve read and heard of individuals living with PTSD whom never discuss their pain and trauma. Like veterans and refugees. It’s called trauma denial. Some things are just too horrific and the brain will try to forget and not deal with them.

Life is a journey. I never thought mine would lead me here. Something helpful from a previous job, I do try to practice gratitude everyday. I am thankful for the people and family I still have. I am thankful for the things that bring me joy each day. When I lay my head down or wake up in the morning, I know a full day is not promised.

I am hopeful as I continue down this path that there is a place for me somewhere on this earth. Somewhere where once again I can call it mine, and it feels like home. Until then I will continue to wander and do the things that I’ve always wanted that make me smile. Thanks for reading xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Grief and Trauma Labels

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What Are Grief and Trauma?

A quick Google search and I found definitions for grief and trauma. Grief is a “deep sorrow caused when something or someone you love has been taken away.” Trauma is an “emotional response to a distressing experience.” So on first glance one would think the two are somewhat related. I tend to disagree. I’ve witnessed trauma from friends that did not experience grief. I have also seen grief without trauma.

PTSD and Distress

It wasn’t until I was coping with uncontrollable physical and mental situations that I was able to distinguish the two. So I did what anyone would do and I went to the doctor. Usually when I would hear of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I would think of service people or victims of natural disasters. I was really surprised when I was diagnosed with PTSD and complicated grief. Neither of which I understood at the time. Then throw in generalized anxiety disorder to this mess for a distressing, no end in sight, anguish.

My PTSD caused me to become stuck. Stuck in only what I can describe as an obsessive thought process. My image kept playing over in my mind on repeat. I was helpless to stop it, to process it, to understand it. This compounded my anxiety which crippled me in the beginning. I knew I needed professional help but who and what was beyond my comprehension. Then one day, while I was at the med spa of all places, my nurse practitioner was working on me and mentioned she knew of a licensed therapist practicing EMDR therapy.

EMDR for Trauma

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Yeah, that’s a mouthful. But basically what this therapy does, is it uses rapid eye movements similar to REM sleep patterns to help the brain reprocess memories and work through them. EMDR uses both sides of the brain. Has it helped? Well, yes and no. Reprocessing is not immediate. It takes time to work through. Afterwards though, my brain is no longer stuck. The once devastating memory holds little power over me. After EMDR therapy is when I was able to start traveling. So that was good, but my body and mind remain damaged. Damaged by the trauma I endured during the event which caused this image in the first place.

My Experience and My Discovery

What I didn’t understand at first is that grief and trauma are completely different things. Each requires a level of processing and therapy that don’t necessarily go together. As often the case with medicine these days, I have become my own advocate. My experience with each has opened my eyes. I carry each with me daily. How I deal with each is different. Understanding this is half the battle for me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to leave one or both behind but I doubt it. I do have hope that one day I will be able to cope with them better today than I did yesterday.

Have you had EMDR or are curious about it? Let’s talk!

Thanks for reading! xxooC