I was in the process of writing a different article, one about how to live a life to be proud of, not one about saying goodbye. But, as with any grief journey, there are good days and bad and I’ll eventually get to that article, just not today. Today wasn’t the worst, but it could have been a better one. I’ve had more than a few not-so-great days this week. Because my blog just turned two, and June will be four years since my husband’s departure, I think it’s all made me a little sad, especially in the mornings when I try to write.
I thought I had a revelation this morning, but I was mistaken. I’ll get to that in a minute. I presumably thought I had missed out on a milestone for healing. One I thought, if I could put it behind me, it would definitely help me move on mentally and emotionally. So, after googling some ways in which to do this, and in the midst of a severe panic attack, I realized, to my complete surprise, that I had, in fact, already said goodbye. Let me explain.
The Search for Closure
I touched on this whole story once before in another article. This morning’s revelation was that I never actually got to say goodbye. Therefore, doing so now would allow me the closure to move forward. Once I googled the best ways to do this, according to other therapy sites, I came across a forum response. I’m sorry if I don’t credit the person who said this. I can’t even remember what forum it was, but the guy said, “You did say goodbye. Just remember all of the times you said goodbye before. You didn’t know if you would see each other again then.” This hit me like a ton of bricks.
Why Goodbyes Matter
Early in our marriage, we had a mutual friend lose his wife suddenly to a car accident on her way home from work. This incident shook the very foundation of our relationship in that we never wanted to part or leave each other without saying, “I love you.” After she died, we did say our last goodbyes every day and every night for many, many years. Everytime not knowing if it truly would be the last. Then it was.
The last time I saw my husband was the night before. It was just after midnight, and I woke up in my recliner next to his. He was awake and still watching TV. I said I was going to bed, and he replied, “Okay, goodnight.” Before I left the room, I kissed him purposefully, as I did every night before, and we both said, “I love you.” We ended exactly the way we both wanted, with love in our hearts and goodbye on our lips.
So this evening, I have a little more peace and, dare I say, maybe even some closure. Now, I have to figure out what to do with it. My point to this story is: Don’t take for granted that when you say goodbye to someone, it very well could be the last time you get to say it. Be okay with how you leave people who matter.
Preface: This is a warning that I have been trying to write something for a while, but I am all over the place.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have had so many thoughts and ideas about what I want to write about. I would start, then stop, and not finish anything. I kept coming to the breaking point. Furthermore, it always seemed like I had so much to say, but nothing coagulated into a coherent article. Hence, I’ve been dealing with so much, so many emotions. I’ve been in therapy for over a month dealing with feelings I’ve buried and, at the same time, feelings I’m experiencing now, but I don’t understand why.
One theme that kept returning to me is that I’m a widow at 50-something. What does that mean? What expectations are there for me? Do I really care about any of this? How can I begin to process and heal? The ultimate question….”Who am I now???” I decided to embark on a journey. A journey to heal. You can read more about that here.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and self-actualization. I really attribute this to therapy and EMDR. Please reach out with any questions, I will be happy to guide you. It has truly saved me.
I’m a complete mixture of myself and this man I spent 23 years with. That’s it. I am him, and he was me. Now he’s gone; I’m just an amalgamation of us both. Therefore, he will always be in the very fiber of my being, but yet I have to leave and learn how to live without him.
While I understand, like every widow who came before and every widow who exists and will come after me, it’s a complex balancing act, sometimes faking, sometimes real, at the moment facing reality as it comes, and sometimes hitting that breaking point that rearranges everything. Finally, to all of you, I give you props and complete support because only you know what you are going through and what you need. Seek out those people. Hit me up if you have no one. I understand you.
Much love and thank you all for reading. I love you all. — xxooC
There was once a time not long ago when I never thought I would entertain any thought of another person other than my husband. When he left me in June of 2020 amidst a pandemic, in the middle of our new life together, in a new town, in a new state, it consumed me. The thought of moving on was paralyzing. This amazingly huge loss, this monumental life defeat, was all I could think about, night and day. So, after becoming somewhat stable, I embarked on a quest. One to find myself and reclaim anything left of the life I would have here without him in it. I certainly wasn’t looking to move on, although I unknowingly did.
For a while, not forgetting him and making sure no one else did was a large pillar as well. Then I found myself alone and right back where I started this journey, which wasn’t comforting at all. So, I opened myself up to the option of having someone else in my life. Shall we call it dating? Moving on? That’s up to you to decide.
If you’re a new widow or even an older widow (meaning you’ve been widowed for a while), I’m not going to tell you that you have a time frame for moving on, so to speak. What I will say to you from my own observations is that life gets lonely. Having someone there to support you, albeit not in the ways you once imagined for the rest of your life, isn’t too bad.
Of course, you may already know the benefits of being in a couple as you grow older. There’s been much study and research on this topic. One of the least important aspects is that couples are more observant of each other’s day-to-day habits and rituals and notice more when something becomes “off.” With that said, there are other benefits as well. We all benefit from human connection and touch. Just having someone to listen can surely lower blood pressure, ease stress, and help with a myriad of other things. When we eat with people, we are more likely to make better food choices, thus, in turn, keeping us healthy.
You see, it’s not necessarily about romance, just finding a suitable partner. Sure, if you find a new, budding romance, then that is a beautiful thing; however, as we age, compatibility is the motivating factor. Again, I’m reminded of one of my favorite TV shows, Sex and The City. I don’t remember what episode, but it’s in the last season when Carrie and Aleksandr are at her Vogue editor’s party, and Lexi falls out the window. The editor, Enid, explains to Carrie why the date Carrie brings is unacceptable.
The gist is that dating is brutal when we reach a certain age. Sometimes it can be humiliating. Finding someone who checks even half the boxes in a pool the size of a wading pond is exhausting, if not impossible. So, I say this with the all-knowing and empathetic view of being a widow of a certain age. Again, I don’t consider this moving on, just moving in general.
Now we enter the territory of after you may find someone of interest. I still want to honor my deceased husband’s memory. We were together for many years. So, how do I do this and still make my partner feel worthy? Sometimes, I’m always thinking about my husband. That’s a hard one. I haven’t mastered that one yet. It’s a balancing act; I won’t tell you anything differently. I honor my husband; sometimes it gets in the way of other things. I just say deal with it. I’m dealing with a lot more. Again I say, this is a process of moving on.
When you finally find someone you want to spend time with, there are ways to remember your deceased spouse and not offend the person you are with. After all, they knew somewhat what they were getting into when they also started spending time with you. I choose to talk about my husband and when the time and place strike me, I spread his ashes in locations across the US. It’s become my thing I want to do with him and if no one understands then I say…go away, let me be. I’ve spared enough people their feelings so far. Don’t spare mine, and I won’t yours. That’s the deal.
So I’ll leave you with this advice: if you feel you need companionship and the thought of being with someone else is appealing, then do it. There is absolutely no time limit for you to grieve and be alone. Only you can decide what timeline is correct for you, and there are no right or wrongs here. The easiest way is to join a social group or an online dating site. You can screen potential partners in the comfort of wherever you are. What I ask is that you please be safe about it. That means common sense things, like telling someone when you will meet someone new. Always meet in a public setting. Give someone else their number and profile so your safe person knows who you are with. Take all the precautions.
Things are not what they were when you met your spouse, and they are not what they were when you were raising your children. Be extra vigilant about whom you spend time with, and you can never have too many precautions in place should something go wrong.
Above all else, take things at YOUR pace. Don’t let someone else dictate what you should or should not be doing. Remember, you are vulnerable, and you are still healing. Take as much time as you need to feel comfortable in every situation, and know that it is okay to say NO at any point you feel you need to. Protect yourself, guard yourself because no one else will love you like you love you. I think that’s a Miley Cyrus song, but I digress.
Only you can choose the ways to remember your spouse or significant other. Only you know the ways to honor them most. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to start a memory board, book, or online journal—whatever way is best for you to remember them and keep them alive that feels good to you.
Share your memories. I’ll bet there are those out there who have memories of your beloved to share with you. Things you didn’t know or ways they touched someone else that you haven’t heard yet. Seek those people out. Listen and record their memories for you to hold on to. Social media is an excellent way to start. Other ways can be phone records, going through death announcement comments, flowers or donations received in their memory, business cards, and contacts. Unless your person was a really ignorant SOB that did nothing but piss people off, I’m sure you’ll find someone with a good story to tell.
In conclusion, you are the only one in charge of your life now. Fate has played it’s card and this is where you are. No holds barred, you say what goes and what doesn’t from this moment forward in your life. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting or compromising on what you believe to be true. The dating process is no different now. Just learn the precautions and you will be fine.
I once had the saying; “once you lose everything, anything is possible.” Still I believe that to some extent. Although I also believe we shape the new chapters of our lives in a way that will always honor those we’ve lost while forging a new trail to our hopes and dreams.
I encourage you to take some time, journal what you thought this journey would be like versus how you feel now. Take a hard look at what you want for the time you have left without your significant other versus how you would have spent it with them. What accomplishments can you make, how can you live a life of purpose and have a meaningful existence in their absence? These are all questions to ask and there is so much more discovery on your journey. Hit me back with any enlightenment. I love you all.
I’ve been doing a lot of research on narcissistic personality disorder for my upcoming book. However, during this time, I have discovered and researched another type of abuse, which is just as insidious. I wanted to talk and bring light to what’s called verbal abuse. It is categorized as a type of emotional abuse and can have severe and long-lasting effects on a person’s mental health and well-being. It can also be just as damaging as physical abuse. It’s essential to recognize the signs and take steps to address them. In this blog, we’ll explore some of the common signs of verbal abuse, coping strategies for dealing with it, and ways to heal and recover from its effects.
Photo by Susanne Jutzeler, suju-foto on Pexels.com
Signs of verbal abuse
I remember friends getting into altercations with their significant others when I was much younger. I would watch them scream at each other in an unhealthy manner and wonder to myself if this was a normal part of relationships. Similarly, we all know every relationship has its challenges, but how we handle these challenges proves our emotional intelligence.
Verbal abuse can take many forms and sometimes can be difficult to recognize at the moment. Some common examples include criticism, insults, belittling, name-calling, and using language to manipulate or control the other person. It often goes unnoticed or is dismissed as “just words.” Verbal abuse can include threats, yelling, and using language to create fear or anxiety in another person. Over time, this type of abuse can lead to feelings of low self-esteem, shame, and guilt. Verbal abuse can have a significant impact on mental health. Recognizing the signs of verbal abuse is an essential first step in addressing it and seeking help.
Coping strategies
Coping with verbal abuse can be challenging, but some strategies can help you if you’ve realized you are a victim of verbal abuse. Firstly, it’s essential to understand you are not at fault, no matter how much the abuser tries to convince you otherwise. The abuse was done to you and not because of anything you did or said. Seek support from friends and family. If you are not comfortable confiding in those closest to you, seek out a support group or a therapist if one is available to you. Sharing your experiences and feelings can be cathartic and help you process your emotions.
Additionally, and I mention this a lot in my articles, practicing self-care, such as exercising, meditating, or pursuing hobbies of interest, can help improve your mental health and self-esteem. Finally, it may be necessary to set boundaries with an abuser or even cut them out of your life to protect your well-being. Remember, verbal abuse is never acceptable. Everyone deserves respect and kindness.
Healing and recovery from verbal abuse can be a short or long process, depending on the trauma and duration of the abuse. Initially, healing begins with an acknowledgment of the abuse and its effects on your life. Recovery and healing can take time and effort. Prioritizing yourself is essential. Spend time with supportive friends and family, even if you don’t confide in them. Just being around supportive people can help you recover. Relaxation techniques like meditation and yoga can aid in healing as well. Additionally, it may be helpful to build healthy relationships and learn to set boundaries with others.
Forgiveness can also be an important part of the healing process, but it’s important to remember that forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It also does not involve excusing the abuser’s behavior. Instead, forgiveness involves letting go of anger and resentment toward the abuser and moving forward with your life.
Remember, healing from verbal abuse is a journey and doesn’t happen overnight. It’s essential to be patient and kind to yourself throughout the process. With time, support, and self-care, it is possible to recover from the effects of verbal abuse and live a fulfilling life.
Conclusion
In conclusion, verbal abuse can have severe and long-lasting effects on a person’s mental health and well-being. It’s essential to recognize the signs of verbal abuse and seek help if experiencing it.
Coping strategies such as seeking support, practicing self-care, and setting boundaries can help you protect your mental health and build a foundation for healing and recovery. I always encourage seeking out qualified therapists and support groups but if neither of those are options for you, please consider online or alternative therapies.
Remember, you are not to blame for the abuse. You did nothing wrong and deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Healing and recovery from verbal abuse is a journey that requires time and effort. With patience and a commitment to your own well-being, it’s possible to overcome the effects of verbal abuse and live a whole and happy life.
**If you would like to read further on this topic, you can find more information at psychcentral.com and healthline.com.
This year felt a little different going in. I don’t know why. As they say, the fog is lifting, and I’m beginning to see things clearer in my new life after loss. The one day I’ve been dreading quickly approached. As those closest to us know, Eric and I were married on Friday the 13th in 1998. He chose this day. It was the implication of it all. He loved the drama of being different and seeing others’ reactions. I loved that about him. Even so, the number 13 proved to be a good number for us in many ways.
The first year, in 2021, I took myself on a solo trip to the beach. The second year, I also spent away, visiting with friends. Last year was terrible. I went back to work full-time. Coupled with the day before a major holiday and being in retail were a recipe for disaster. I didn’t have the option not to work, and it turned out to be a horrible day, and I nearly lost my mind. So, this year, I decided not to work and do nothing at all or at least to keep my options open.
Later in the day, I did spend time with my daughter and grandsons, which brought me immense joy. I recently published coloring books for them and we colored for hours. (Click the link if you’d like to take a look at one.) Whereas I have only heard of art therapy for adults, this was my first time experiencing it. Not only was it enjoyable, but I also experienced meaningful mindfulness once I was able to let go of time. So, for those of you who have laughed at adult coloring being “art therapy” as I once did, I challenge you to revisit your thought process and give it a try. Indeed it was an enlightening event.
An Honest Confession
Meanwhile, I started therapy again (click here to read about my prior therapy experiences for grief and PTSD) and had my first **EMDR (which means Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) sessions the week prior, so I knew I was fragile. I did a lot of crying and a lot of talking out loud. None of it seemed to soothe me, though. Here I am, just short of four years into my grief journey, and my heart remains broken into a million tiny pieces. Although I mask it well. The only thing more apparent to me now is that I’m honestly on my own.
Conversation itself is much more about comforting others than it is about myself. It was odd at first, being labeled “single” after decades of marriage. All at once, I couldn’t say “my husband” anymore. Now it’s “my late husband” so as not to confuse people and inadvertently make them uncomfortable. Either way, as much as my heart longs for him, I am alone now. No one will ever understand me or get me as he did. I know this, and somehow, I’ve come to accept it. I have meaningful relationships and some fulfill me in ways my marriage never did.
Dating in this void is exceptionally challenging. “Single” now means I’m in my mid-50s, older, yes, wiser, no. Certainly, it all made me want to throw my hands up and say I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Life after loss has left me traumatized and unstable. I now have to find my way to some kind of life. Before, I wasn’t looking long-term because, honestly, I didn’t think I would make it this long, yet here I am. So, these days, I am starting to think ahead. What does life look like for me in 3-5 years instead of just tomorrow?
What Lies Ahead in this Life After Loss
I started this blog as a self-help, primarily for myself and then for my readers. Undoubtedly, opening up about anything personal was scary as hell but I’ve also found it healing. Now, I’m still determining the direction to go with everything in my life. Every day is still challenging to face. Every day never promises anything. The reality is, most days, I am hopeful, although there are certainly days I am not. Those days I just move through the motions and the emotions. Even when I was traveling, moving forward sometimes was difficult, but it still had to be done.
My last few posts have been self-help articles about things I have an interest in as well as things I’m learning from writing my upcoming book. I hope you’ll stick with me through it all. Thanks for reading and all of your positive feedback. I love you all. –xxooC
**If you would like more info on EMDR you can click here to read more from the EMDR International Association. There, you will find answers to any questions about what it is, how it’s administered, and the benefits of therapy.
In Part 1 we discussed what Overthinking is, what it is not, and how it affects our daily lives. By recognizing the factors that cause us to overthink, we can practice the positive habits we’ll discuss in this article. It is possible to stop overthinking and it is a habit we can break. There are many strategies you can use to manage it and stop overthinking from controlling your life. Here I’ll discuss some techniques, and break down how they can be effective.
Mindfulness and Meditation Practices
First, we’ll start with mindfulness. This is a meditation technique that involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. I have used it a lot in coping with my anxieties and mental health during the grieving process. Mindfulness helps me be in the moment and center my thoughts. Practicing mindfulness allows you to be present with your feelings and apply yourself to them. In this practice, you can evolve a more balanced perspective and reduce the amount of overthinking. If you would like to explore this topic further, click here to take you to Mindful.org to learn more about this subject.
Meditation is an art form and can help stop overthinking. There are many different types of meditation, but for this conclusion, we will submit that meditation is on individuality, self-help, and preservation. Each of these can involve focusing your attention on a particular object, thought, or activity to achieve a state of relaxation and mental clarity. By practicing meditation, one can learn to quiet your mind and reduce the impact of overthinking. If you would like more info on how to get started with meditation practices in general, click here to go to Mindful.org’s meditation for beginners’ page.
Behavioral Therapy, Gratitude, and Exercise
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a well-known practice that focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. CBT can help you identify and challenge negative thought patterns and develop positive and realistic ones. This can be particularly effective in managing overthinking. If you would like to explore this topic further, click here to take you to an overview at Mayoclinic.org to learn more.
Practicing gratitude is another way to combat overthinking. It took me a while to understand precisely what gratitude is. Think of all the things in your life that are important to you. Please focus on the positive aspects of your life and express appreciation for them. By developing a daily gratitude practice, we can shift focus away from negative thoughts and develop a more positive outlook on the human race and humanity.
Let’s not forget how important exercise can be in every aspect of life. Exercise is an effective way to manage overthinking. It releases endorphins, improving mood and reducing stress. Exercise can also provide a welcome distraction from negative thoughts. The correct exercise plan can help you develop a positive outlook.
By incorporating these techniques into your daily routine, you can learn to manage overthinking and prevent it from controlling your life.
Specific Types of Overthinking
While the techniques discussed previously can effectively manage overthinking, it’s also essential to develop strategies for overcoming specific types of overthinking. Here I’ll discuss the different types of situations that can cause overthinking as well as some strategies for managing:
Social and Relationship
Social overthinking involves worrying about how you’re perceived by others or obsessing over social situations. To manage social overthinking: 1. Focus on the present moment and engage in the conversation or activity. 2. Practice active listening. When you have questions, ask them to show interest in the conversation. 3. Remember that everyone is human and makes mistakes. Try to let go of the need for perfection in social situations.
Relationship overthinking involves obsessing over your romantic relationships or friendships. To manage relationship overthinking: 1. Communication is vital to opening everything. Communicate and openly share your concerns with your partner, friend, or anyone else. 2. Practice active listening. There will be a question, and then try to understand their perspective. 3. Remember that all relationships have ups and downs. Try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.
Career and Creative
Career overthinking involves obsessing over career decisions or job performance. To manage career overthinking: 1. Try to focus on the present moment and the tasks at hand. 2. Set achievable goals for yourself and celebrate your accomplishments along the way. 3. I’ve always said that my mistakes are a natural part of the learning process, and I view them as opportunities for growth. This is a constructive way to view a mistake. Take ownership and grow from the experience.
Creative overthinking involves obsessing over the creative process or the quality of your work. To manage creative overthinking: 1. Try to focus on the process rather than the end result. 2. Allow yourself to experiment, make mistakes, and view them as opportunities for growth. 3. Remember, creativity is a journey. Try to enjoy the process rather than obsess over the outcome.
Conclusion
By developing strategies for managing specific types of overthinking, you can learn to overcome this habit and live a more peaceful, fulfilling life. Remember that breaking the cycle of overthinking can take time and effort. But with persistence and dedication, it is possible.
Thanks for reading. Let me know your experiences with overthinking.
When I was younger, I didn’t notice my intrusive, self-doubting thoughts. It was when I opened my business at the age of 28. The thoughts were always there but suddenly became very prominent. On the way home from work most days, I used to go through everything I did and said. I spent hours wondering what the repercussions would be and if I did or said something wrong that would ultimately affect the business. Oh, and then it didn’t stop there.
In my early thirties, these thoughts just became a way of life. I was constantly doubting myself. My mind would always go through different scenarios before making any decision. I always wondered what I could have done or said differently. I wanted to stop overthinking, but how? Back then, causes of overthinking weren’t well understood, and, hell, I had no idea what was going on with me. It wasn’t until much later that I discovered there is a name for this type of thinking. It is called “overthinking.”
Now with all of the different thoughts, emotions, and subsequent effects of widowhood, I’ve found myself right back in that place of overthinking. So let’s take a look at what are the causes of overthinking.
What is Overthinking?
Do you constantly over analyze every situation, replay conversations, and worry about the future? Do you struggle to make decisions because you’re afraid of making the wrong one? If so, you might be an overthinker like me. Overthinking is a common problem. It affects many people and can significantly impact mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
According to research, (you can read more here at the ClevelandClinic.org) overthinking is classified as a disorder, but it is not a mental illness. Overthinking is characterized by excessive thoughts and worries, often about things out of our control. All of these thoughts and worries can lead to anxiety, stress, and depression. It can even affect our relationships and careers. In today’s fast-paced world, so many things compete for our attention that sometimes it’s natural to get caught up in our thoughts and lose sight of what’s important.
The good news is that today, there are ways to overcome the causes of overthinking and live a more peaceful, fulfilling life. By understanding the causes of overthinking and learning how to manage it, you, too, can regain control of your thoughts and emotions. In this article, I will explore what overthinking is and its causes. So let’s get started!
The Causes of Overthinking
Overthinking is caused by a variety of factors, which include anxiety, perfectionism, lack of confidence, and past traumas or negative experiences. At first, mine was a combination of stress, perfectionism, and a lack of confidence in my new role as an entrepreneur. Understanding the root cause of your overthinking can help you develop strategies to manage and prevent it from controlling your life. Now let’s explore some causes of Overthinking.
Anxiety and worry are one of the most common causes of overthinking. Believe me, when I say as a new entrepreneur and a new competing business, I had significant anxiety and worry. The one thing I didn’t know is that all of this stress and anxiety would manifest itself in a very physical way.
During this time, I developed panic attacks and subsequently took medication to help control these. I wish I had known then what I know now. When anxious, our thoughts can spiral out of control, leading to excessive worrying and rumination. We may find ourselves obsessing over worst-case scenarios or replaying past events. If you struggle with anxiety, it’s important to seek help to learn strategies to manage it.
Another cause is perfectionism. This is because perfectionists often struggle with overthinking because they set impossibly high standards for themselves. Again, this was me….they may worry about making mistakes or not meeting their own expectations, leading to excessive self-criticism and rumination. Accepting imperfection and setting realistic goals can help overcome this type of overthinking.
If you struggle with low self-esteem or need more confidence, you may be overthinking social situations or second-guessing your decisions because of lack of confidence. I stress and overthink everything until I become confident in any new role. This type of overthinking can be particularly damaging because it can reinforce negative self-talk and lead to a cycle of self-doubt. Building self-confidence through positive self-talk and self-care can help break this cycle.
Trauma and Negative Experiences Link
Up to this point, we’ve discussed the controllable elements that cause overthinking. There are elements we can not control. These are past traumas and/or negative experiences. If you’ve experienced a traumatic event or a difficult period in your life, you may find yourself constantly replaying the events in your mind, leading to anxiety and depression. Seeking help to process and work through these experiences can help you move forward and prevent overthinking.
The Effects of Overthinking
As I said earlier, overthinking can significantly impact our mental, emotional, and physical health. Understanding the effects of overthinking can motivate us to take action to manage it.
Physical symptoms caused by overthinking, includes headaches, muscle tension, and fatigue. Sometimes, everything can affect our sleep, leading to insomnia or disrupted sleep patterns. When we overthink, our bodies become stressed. This can have long-term health consequences.
When we overthink things, it can lead to a range of negative emotions. These negative emotions can include anxiety, worry, and fear. When we allow it, overthinking can lead to sadness, hopelessness, and despair. Often we focus on the negative aspects of a situation, which can create a self-perpetuating cycle of negative emotions.
Overthinking can affect cognitive function, thus making it difficult to concentrate and make decisions. Sometimes, it can also lead to decreased productivity and creativity. When we overthink, our mind is consumed with worry and rumination, which leaves little room for other thoughts or ideas.
Finally, overthinking can also affect our relationships with others. It can lead to social anxiety or a fear of rejection, making it difficult to connect with others. Quickly and without warning, overthinking can lead to misunderstandings or miscommunications. This is because we put too much meaning into understanding the intended statements or questions.
Conclusion of Part 1
In the next article, I’ll discuss the many different types of overthinking which have been identified. I’ll also talk about ways to combat overthinking and take control of your life. I will provide the tools and techniques to start living the life you deserve. See you soon. Thanks for reading –xxooC
Welcome to the New Year. I hate social media, yet we live there, don’t we? Today I was reminded of a New Year past, from 2019—such a bittersweet memory with my husband. Nothing could touch us. We were on top of the world. Both of us were in a new position and a new house. We had a new community, and new friends with nothing but the world in front of us. Then, just as quickly as it came, it ended.
As with every new year, we envision something different. Some change that awaits us on the new horizon. I still have these same thoughts. Just as with all the New Year’s past, I too had hopes and dreams. Some of them may materialize, and others may dissipate into the wind. Expectations just boil down to what we are willing to work for and accept.
What Is The NOW?
My life is dictated. I have taken on a quest of responsibility. It is entirely by choice, yet it does dictate what I do. I am at peace with this decision, however often, I look to the future and what can be now and what can be.
As I continue into uncharted waters and things I had no idea I would encounter, I am reminded that the fog is lifting. It’s been 3 and a half years now. In this widows’ world I have been a victim of the confusion and self-doubt, and questioning everything is beginning to lift above my head. Many things are becoming more apparent to me. I dismissed so many things earlier or I did not know about what was happening around me. To that, I say, “Just wait.”…I have arrived. There will be a reckoning.
I see it. I see you. The situations I have put myself in and the people I have surrounded myself with have become abundantly clear that not all have been in my best self-interest. Rest assured, these, too, shall pass. Everyone shows their true colors eventually. The universe has left me here for a reason. I am still determining that reason, but I know I still have jobs to do before I am free.
What Will BECOME?
This year, I have not made resolutions or achievements I hope to accomplish. My thoughts remain more modest in that I want to make a difference. I want to make every person’s life I encounter better. The goal is to be a better person and ease someone’s suffering. I want to make it through the year. Sometimes, we get defeated. I’ve learned that’s okay. That is the moment we need to feel gratitude because there is someone else in this country and in this world who has less than we have. Whether it be the roof over our heads, the food in our stomachs, or knowing our loved ones are safe today, we are privileged if you identify with this.
So, I leave you with this: I don’t have a lot of hope for 2024, although it’s started well for me. Every day is a struggle. I know full well it is for some. Cherish what you have and think, pray for those that have not. We are just one paycheck away.
May you all have a blessed 2024. See you on the flip side. Thanks for reading —xxooC
The holiday season can be a challenging time of year for anyone who has lost a loved one. Whether due to a recent loss or one that occurred years ago, coping with grief during the holidays can bring up a range of emotions that can be difficult to navigate. I know it’s hard. Even though your loved one isn’t here, you still are. Here, we’ll explore some ideas for coping with grief during the holiday season. Here you’ll find ways to honor your loved one and take care of yourself.
Whether by creating new traditions or seeking support from loved ones, there are many ways to find comfort and peace during the holidays, even in the midst of grief. So, let’s dive in and discover some helpful tips for making it through the holiday season after losing a loved one.
Bring out Your Creativity
As I said, the holiday season can be challenging. But there are many ways to cope and find comfort and support. One way to honor your loved one is to create a unique ornament or decoration. One that represents them and place it on the tree or display it in your home. Clear glass or plastic ornaments that open can be found at craft stores. These are perfect for small mementos like fur, jewelry, or photos.
Honor and Remembrance
Lighting a candle in memory of your loved one during holiday gatherings or anytime you just want is a wonderful way to pay tribute. I light one often at night in remembrance of the loved ones I’ve lost. Another way to honor their memory is to create a memory box filled with items that remind you of them. Place it with decorations or in a special place as you share memories about them.
Take Some Time for YOU
Taking care of yourself during this time is essential. Make sure to get plenty of rest, eat well, and engage in activities that bring you joy. I know sleep is hard sometimes, especially when I have much on my mind. I read with a low light and burn some incense to wind down. The holidays may seem like a great time to throw all self-discipline regarding food out the window; however, now is the time to exert that discipline. You’ll feel better when the holidays are over, and exacerbating any health issues will be averted. Finally, do little things for yourself. A hot cup of tea or a little “me” time is a quiet, no-expense luxury.
GIVE BACK
Finally, consider volunteering, attending a support group, or seeking professional help if needed. Volunteering can be a great way to find gratitude and give back. A support group is helpful if you are comforted by being around people. Some are, some not, so don’t push yourself. There is a better time to get out of your comfort zone. Professional help can be a wonderful support. Contact your doctor for a referral if you need help finding a therapist.
Remember that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions and to take things slow. By caring for yourself and finding ways to honor your loved one, you can make it through the holiday season with peace and comfort.
Thanks for reading and I wish everyone not only a peaceful holiday season but I also wish you to find some joy. I love you all –xxooC
Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences from time to time however, when it becomes excessive and persistent, anxiety can interfere with daily life and lead to a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or “GAD” after my husband died in 2020. I’ve also written about my experiences with this disorder before. But now I want to talk about it more in-depth. In this article, we will explore the symptoms, causes, diagnosis, treatment, and coping strategies.
What is An Anxiety Disorder?
Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a mental health condition. It’s characterized by excessive and persistent worry, fear, and nervousness. GAD affects approximately 19% of adults in the United States. It is important to seek help if you think you are experiencing an anxiety disorder of any type. If left untreated, it can interfere with daily life and lead to other mental health conditions.
Signs and Symptoms
An anxiety disorder can manifest in physical, emotional, and behavioral symptoms. Physical symptoms may include rapid heartbeat, sweating, trembling, and shortness of breath. My specific symptoms included all of these.
I also suffer from “panic attacks.” Panic disorder is another type of anxiety disorder and is a little different from GAD. More details on the different types later in the article. All create physical symptoms that are depleting and physically stressful. After each episode, my body felt completely exhausted and required time to heal.
Emotional symptoms may include excessive worry, fear, and nervousness. Behavioral symptoms may include avoidance of certain situations or activities. Just after my trauma, I was unable to drive. I found the expressways especially stressful and avoided them for months. It was only after therapy and learning useful calming techniques that was I able to venture back out.
Causes of an Anxiety Disorder
The causes of anxiety disorders are complex and multifactorial. One contributor is biological factors such as genetics, brain chemistry, and hormonal imbalances which may play a role. A second is environmental factors such as trauma, stress, and substance abuse may also contribute. Lastly, psychological factors such as negative thinking patterns and learned behaviors may also be involved.
My cause was trauma. Trauma from finding my husband’s body. That left me with a sense of insecurity about every facet of my life.
Getting a Diagnosis
Diagnosis is based on the presence of specific symptoms along with the exclusion of other medical or mental health conditions. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) outlines the diagnostic criteria for anxiety disorders.
Several types fall under this category which include generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder. Click on the link to learn more about each of these disorders. An anxiety disorder may also co-occur with other mental health conditions such as depression. I was also diagnosed with PTSD.
Treatments
Treatment may involve a combination of medications, psychotherapy, and lifestyle changes. Medications may be prescribed to help reduce symptoms. Psychotherapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy may be used. These may help with learning coping strategies and overcoming fears. Lifestyle changes such as exercise, healthy eating, and stress reduction techniques may also be helpful.
My treatment included using antidepressants in combination with an anti-anxiety medication. I was lucky in that this combo worked for me. It’s important to note there is a waiting period after starting medications. This is to let the medicine build up and work in the body.
Coping Strategies for Anxiety Disorders
In addition to professional treatment, several coping strategies can help individuals manage anxiety disorders. Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and meditation can help reduce symptoms. Mindfulness practices such as yoga and tai chi can also be helpful. Exercise such as walking, running, or swimming can help reduce stress and improve mood. Social support from friends, family, or support groups can also be beneficial.
Anxiety disorders are a common mental health condition that can interfere with daily life. It is important to seek help if you think you are experiencing any type of anxiety disorder. Treatment may involve a combination of medications, psychotherapy, and lifestyle changes. Coping strategies such as relaxation techniques, mindfulness practices, exercise, and social support can also be helpful. Remember, you are not alone, and there is help available.
Treatment times may be short or long-term for success. Never lose sight of the end goal and that is to feel better and be more connected to the life around you.
Coping with the loss of a dog or beloved pet is never easy. Losing Malice was a very painful experience. One that many pet owners have had to face. The bond we share with our furry friends is truly unique, and losing them leaves an immense void in our hearts.
In 2009, Malice was born and three years later she came to live with us. Our last Chow had passed away about five years before that. It had taken my late husband all this time to get over the loss and decide that he was ready to embark on another furry adventure.
Our dogs are not just pets. They become cherished family members. When they leave us, the emotional impact can be overwhelming. It is important to acknowledge and understand the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Recognizing these stages can help us make sense of our emotions and begin the healing process.
The Time in Between
When we brought Malice home, as with any new friendship, it took time for everyone to become trusting of one another. But it didn’t take long before she was playing with her new feline buddies. This time in between dogs allowed Eric and our family time to cope and heal.
Allowing yourself to grieve is an essential part of healing. Give yourself permission to feel the pain and express your emotions in a healthy way. Whether it’s talking to friends and family who understand or joining support groups or online communities for pet loss, seeking support is crucial. Surrounding ourselves with people who empathize with our pain can provide immense comfort and solace.
Ways to Honor and Keep the Memory Alive
One of the ways in coping with the loss of a beloved dog is to honor your dog’s memory. This can provide a sense of closure. Consider organizing a memorial or tribute for your dog, where you can gather with loved ones to celebrate their life and reminisce about the happy times you shared. Creating a memory book or scrapbook filled with pictures, stories, and mementos can be a therapeutic way to remember your beloved dog and keep their memory alive.
I’ve collected photos and put them in a special folder on my desktop. It really brings a smile to my face to see pictures of her young and with other family members. I will always have a special place in my heart for this little soul. She brought my family so much joy during her time here.
Paying it forward can also be a beautiful way to honor your dog’s memory. Volunteer at local animal shelters or rescue organizations to help dogs in need. By sharing your love and compassion with other animals, you are not only giving back but also finding purpose and healing in the process. If possible, consider donating in memory of your lost dog to support animal welfare causes. This act of kindness can create a legacy for your beloved pet and help other dogs in need.
Take ALL the Time Needed
Just like losing Lucy last year, healing takes time. Coping with the loss of a beloved pet is a process that cannot be rushed. Permitting yourself to heal at your own pace is important with any loss. I know some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. I’m allowing myself to experience the grief, but I’m also trying to find moments of joy and gratitude amidst the pain.
Odin has been a huge comfort during this time. I had another family member lose her dog earlier this year. She adopted right away. Adopting a new dog can bring immense joy and love back into your life. It doesn’t mean you are replacing your lost dog. But rather opening your heart to a new furry friend who can provide companionship and comfort.
Losing a dog or any pet is an incredibly heartbreaking experience. But it is possible to find solace and healing. Take the time to grieve, seek support, and honor your dog’s memory. Remember, healing is a personal journey, and it will happen at its own pace. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions. When the time is right, consider opening your heart to a new dog and pay it forward to help other animals. Although your dog may be physically gone, their spirit will always be with you. I know Malice and Lucy are still with me.
When I was ridiculously young, I equated material things to more success. No matter what I had, I always wanted better and more. Once in my twenties, I hung out with a group that all owned their own businesses. To me that was highly successful. I learned a lot from them in a short time. Being successful to them meant freedom. Then once I had my own business, I still didn’t feel successful enough. The craving for more everything was always present.
Loss is Not Failure
I wrote about this before. More recently, as I’ve been trying to practice gratitude, I keep coming back to how I felt earlier in life vs. how I feel now. Going from having a lot of things to living a minimalistic lifestyle, I have shed the notion of material things as a sign of successfulness. In doing this, I also shed what defines my success. Losing all that I did in my life didn’t seem like a failure but just that, a loss. So I had to look at what was still there, present, in my life.
When my husband died a few years ago, I was completely in awe by the tributes written to him. He truly changed people’s lives. Although he didn’t know it, and we didn’t see it at the time. My husband had an unrecognized level of achievement both personally and professionally. We had the big house, he had the great job, and both of us were in a better place in our lives than ever before. So I asked myself, does this mean success?
Measuring Success
Well, sort of but not exactly. I’m beginning to believe success is in direct relation to being content in the moment. At the moment he died, we had achieved a lot, but didn’t consider ourselves successful. Now I’m beginning to understand the defining measure of success in life to me, is in how I actually measure it. Furthermore, my measuring may be completely different than anyone else.
To me, it now has nothing to do with materialism but rather the feeling I have when I look around my life. Am I successful? Well sort of but again, not exactly. The definition of success is “The achieving of results wanted or hoped for.” So maybe I can have success without claiming my life successful. A new concept for me.
What do I feel successful about in my life right now, in this moment? I’m successful at surviving three years after my husband’s sudden death. I’m successful at rejoining a bit of life and experiencing some joy. My professional success is still a work in progress. Claiming success on some levels in my life seem realistic now. I’m not sure I will ever have complete success but rather contentment within certain important areas.
Final Yet Evolving Thoughts
So as I keep moving and growing through these next chapters of my life, I am reminded of how far I’ve come. My way of defining personal success has changed drastically through my experiences and reflections. Yes I know some of it just comes with age and experience in life but still. Now I believe success is in the perspective. And just like grief, is an individual experience. I’ll continue to evolve and grow while setting new goals for myself.
I want to hear from you. Have your views on success changed? How successful do you consider yourself? How do you measure your own personal success?
