Past and future

As some of you know, and many of you don’t, I am a HUGE fan of electronic music of all genres. I discovered an upcoming show by a DJ I like and have seen before. He was coming to my old hometown of Bloomington, Illinois. So I bought tickets. The show was this past weekend.

This show was significant only in the fact that this would be my first trip back to Bloomington since last June. This trip was going to bring me face to face with my past and future.

Every trip I made back between June 2020 (when my husband Eric died) and June 2021 was super painful. So much so I just avoided going. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Bloomington/Normal and I enjoyed every day of the year+ I lived there. But going back to the place of my trauma brought up all kinds of painful memories.

But I decided now was time. Not to confront these emotions, fears, and trauma but the time to stop running from the slightest encounter with triggers. I’ve been in avoidance mode for far too long. I really didn’t give much thought to going beforehand. Anxiety and nervousness were there though. I could feel it rising.

The past

The trip turned out to be exactly what I needed for my future growth. While there, I was reminded of a time just after his passing. I visited a retail store from my previous employment to pick up a few things. Trying to get in and out unnoticed proved unsuccessful. While chatting with a man I had spent some time on the sales floor with, he retold the story of losing his husband.

I had heard this story several times in my previous retail life but now it meant something different as I listened intently. The story was now more personal and I could feel his pain in a very different way. I was still in the first few waves of paralyzing grief. “Still in the fog” as they say. I remember, all I kept thinking was “how is he still standing here?” Then my thoughts went to “how did he get from where I am to where he is?”

So I asked. What was the turning point? His answer surprised me. He replied “I just got tired.” “Tired of feeling this” as his hand waved over his face and chest. I didn’t know what that meant at the time.

The future

Fast forward to now. A received a comment on another article of mine. A family member very close to me has also had significant loss in her life, including the loss of her spouse. His passing was shortly after my husband’s. She is still clinging to her grief. After this weekend of revisiting my past and the life I lost, I realized I am tired. Grief will always be my companion. But I’m tired of it dictating my life and my thoughts. I am tired of the physical and mental anguish. Yet I feel guilt for wanting to let go of the drowning, grief stricken feelings. Those are my badges that remind me of the deep love I still have for the souls I’ve lost.

So where do I go from here? I’ve gone from “waiting to die” to “maybe today will be good.” I made this transition purposefully and willingly. Sure the grief and trauma come back but I have developed a few tricks of my own. Grief has all kinds of surprises. I’m quite sure it has more in store for me. This trip was a win and I feel really good about it. That’s progress. xxooC