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Thoughts and Notes

(Pt 2) Overthinking: How to Stop Overthinking

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Yes, You Can Stop Overthinking

In Part 1 we discussed what Overthinking is, what it is not, and how it affects our daily lives. By recognizing the factors that cause us to overthink, we can practice the positive habits we’ll discuss in this article. It is possible to stop overthinking and it is a habit we can break. There are many strategies you can use to manage it and stop overthinking from controlling your life. Here I’ll discuss some techniques, and break down how they can be effective.

Mindfulness and Meditation Practices

First, we’ll start with mindfulness. This is a meditation technique that involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. I have used it a lot in coping with my anxieties and mental health during the grieving process. Mindfulness helps me be in the moment and center my thoughts. Practicing mindfulness allows you to be present with your feelings and apply yourself to them. In this practice, you can evolve a more balanced perspective and reduce the amount of overthinking. If you would like to explore this topic further, click here to take you to Mindful.org to learn more about this subject.

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Meditation is an art form and can help stop overthinking. There are many different types of meditation, but for this conclusion, we will submit that meditation is on individuality, self-help, and preservation. Each of these can involve focusing your attention on a particular object, thought, or activity to achieve a state of relaxation and mental clarity. By practicing meditation, one can learn to quiet your mind and reduce the impact of overthinking. If you would like more info on how to get started with meditation practices in general, click here to go to Mindful.org’s meditation for beginners’ page.

Behavioral Therapy, Gratitude, and Exercise

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a well-known practice that focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. CBT can help you identify and challenge negative thought patterns and develop positive and realistic ones. This can be particularly effective in managing overthinking. If you would like to explore this topic further, click here to take you to an overview at Mayoclinic.org to learn more.

Practicing gratitude is another way to combat overthinking. It took me a while to understand precisely what gratitude is. Think of all the things in your life that are important to you. Please focus on the positive aspects of your life and express appreciation for them. By developing a daily gratitude practice, we can shift focus away from negative thoughts and develop a more positive outlook on the human race and humanity.

Let’s not forget how important exercise can be in every aspect of life. Exercise is an effective way to manage overthinking. It releases endorphins, improving mood and reducing stress. Exercise can also provide a welcome distraction from negative thoughts. The correct exercise plan can help you develop a positive outlook. 

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By incorporating these techniques into your daily routine, you can learn to manage overthinking and prevent it from controlling your life.

Specific Types of Overthinking

While the techniques discussed previously can effectively manage overthinking, it’s also essential to develop strategies for overcoming specific types of overthinking. Here I’ll discuss the different types of situations that can cause overthinking as well as some strategies for managing:

Social and Relationship

Social overthinking involves worrying about how you’re perceived by others or obsessing over social situations. To manage social overthinking: 1. Focus on the present moment and engage in the conversation or activity. 2. Practice active listening. When you have questions, ask them to show interest in the conversation. 3. Remember that everyone is human and makes mistakes. Try to let go of the need for perfection in social situations.

Relationship overthinking involves obsessing over your romantic relationships or friendships. To manage relationship overthinking: 1. Communication is vital to opening everything. Communicate and openly share your concerns with your partner, friend, or anyone else. 2. Practice active listening. There will be a question, and then try to understand their perspective. 3. Remember that all relationships have ups and downs. Try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. 

Career and Creative

Career overthinking involves obsessing over career decisions or job performance. To manage career overthinking: 1. Try to focus on the present moment and the tasks at hand. 2. Set achievable goals for yourself and celebrate your accomplishments along the way. 3. I’ve always said that my mistakes are a natural part of the learning process, and I view them as opportunities for growth. This is a constructive way to view a mistake. Take ownership and grow from the experience.

Creative overthinking involves obsessing over the creative process or the quality of your work. To manage creative overthinking: 1. Try to focus on the process rather than the end result. 2. Allow yourself to experiment, make mistakes, and view them as opportunities for growth. 3. Remember, creativity is a journey. Try to enjoy the process rather than obsess over the outcome.

Conclusion

By developing strategies for managing specific types of overthinking, you can learn to overcome this habit and live a more peaceful, fulfilling life. Remember that breaking the cycle of overthinking can take time and effort. But with persistence and dedication, it is possible.

Thanks for reading. Let me know your experiences with overthinking.

Love you all–xxooC

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Thoughts and Notes

(Pt 1) Overthinking: What is it and Causes

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Is Overthinking Real?

When I was younger, I didn’t notice my intrusive, self-doubting thoughts. It was when I opened my business at the age of 28. The thoughts were always there but suddenly became very prominent. On the way home from work most days, I used to go through everything I did and said. I spent hours wondering what the repercussions would be and if I did or said something wrong that would ultimately affect the business. Oh, and then it didn’t stop there.

In my early thirties, these thoughts just became a way of life. I was constantly doubting myself. My mind would always go through different scenarios before making any decision. I always wondered what I could have done or said differently. I wanted to stop overthinking, but how? Back then, causes of overthinking weren’t well understood, and, hell, I had no idea what was going on with me. It wasn’t until much later that I discovered there is a name for this type of thinking. It is called “overthinking.”

Now with all of the different thoughts, emotions, and subsequent effects of widowhood, I’ve found myself right back in that place of overthinking. So let’s take a look at what are the causes of overthinking.

What is Overthinking?

Do you constantly over analyze every situation, replay conversations, and worry about the future? Do you struggle to make decisions because you’re afraid of making the wrong one? If so, you might be an overthinker like me. Overthinking is a common problem. It affects many people and can significantly impact mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

According to research, (you can read more here at the ClevelandClinic.org) overthinking is classified as a disorder, but it is not a mental illness. Overthinking is characterized by excessive thoughts and worries, often about things out of our control. All of these thoughts and worries can lead to anxiety, stress, and depression. It can even affect our relationships and careers. In today’s fast-paced world, so many things compete for our attention that sometimes it’s natural to get caught up in our thoughts and lose sight of what’s important.

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The good news is that today, there are ways to overcome the causes of overthinking and live a more peaceful, fulfilling life. By understanding the causes of overthinking and learning how to manage it, you, too, can regain control of your thoughts and emotions. In this article, I will explore what overthinking is and its causes. So let’s get started!

The Causes of Overthinking 

Overthinking is caused by a variety of factors, which include anxiety, perfectionism, lack of confidence, and past traumas or negative experiences. At first, mine was a combination of stress, perfectionism, and a lack of confidence in my new role as an entrepreneur. Understanding the root cause of your overthinking can help you develop strategies to manage and prevent it from controlling your life. Now let’s explore some causes of Overthinking.

Anxiety and worry are one of the most common causes of overthinking. Believe me, when I say as a new entrepreneur and a new competing business, I had significant anxiety and worry. The one thing I didn’t know is that all of this stress and anxiety would manifest itself in a very physical way.

During this time, I developed panic attacks and subsequently took medication to help control these. I wish I had known then what I know now. When anxious, our thoughts can spiral out of control, leading to excessive worrying and rumination. We may find ourselves obsessing over worst-case scenarios or replaying past events. If you struggle with anxiety, it’s important to seek help to learn strategies to manage it. 

Perfectionism and Low Self Esteem

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Another cause is perfectionism. This is because perfectionists often struggle with overthinking because they set impossibly high standards for themselves. Again, this was me….they may worry about making mistakes or not meeting their own expectations, leading to excessive self-criticism and rumination. Accepting imperfection and setting realistic goals can help overcome this type of overthinking. 

If you struggle with low self-esteem or need more confidence, you may be overthinking social situations or second-guessing your decisions because of lack of confidence. I stress and overthink everything until I become confident in any new role. This type of overthinking can be particularly damaging because it can reinforce negative self-talk and lead to a cycle of self-doubt. Building self-confidence through positive self-talk and self-care can help break this cycle. 

Trauma and Negative Experiences Link

Up to this point, we’ve discussed the controllable elements that cause overthinking. There are elements we can not control. These are past traumas and/or negative experiences. If you’ve experienced a traumatic event or a difficult period in your life, you may find yourself constantly replaying the events in your mind, leading to anxiety and depression. Seeking help to process and work through these experiences can help you move forward and prevent overthinking.

The Effects of Overthinking 

As I said earlier, overthinking can significantly impact our mental, emotional, and physical health. Understanding the effects of overthinking can motivate us to take action to manage it. 

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Physical symptoms caused by overthinking, includes headaches, muscle tension, and fatigue. Sometimes, everything can affect our sleep, leading to insomnia or disrupted sleep patterns. When we overthink, our bodies become stressed. This can have long-term health consequences.

When we overthink things, it can lead to a range of negative emotions. These negative emotions can include anxiety, worry, and fear. When we allow it, overthinking can lead to sadness, hopelessness, and despair. Often we focus on the negative aspects of a situation, which can create a self-perpetuating cycle of negative emotions. 

Overthinking can affect cognitive function, thus making it difficult to concentrate and make decisions. Sometimes, it can also lead to decreased productivity and creativity. When we overthink, our mind is consumed with worry and rumination, which leaves little room for other thoughts or ideas. 

Finally, overthinking can also affect our relationships with others. It can lead to social anxiety or a fear of rejection, making it difficult to connect with others. Quickly and without warning, overthinking can lead to misunderstandings or miscommunications. This is because we put too much meaning into understanding the intended statements or questions.

Conclusion of Part 1

In the next article, I’ll discuss the many different types of overthinking which have been identified. I’ll also talk about ways to combat overthinking and take control of your life. I will provide the tools and techniques to start living the life you deserve. See you soon. Thanks for reading –xxooC

Thoughts and Notes

Seasonal Affective Disorder: The Science You Need To Know

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Sometimes, I say to myself: “I really hate Winter.” In actuality, it’s not Winter that I hate. The mood change that I associate with Winter is what I dislike the most, and I’m finding that I am not the only one. As the days get shorter and the weather turns colder, many people find themselves experiencing a dip in their mood and energy levels. This feeling is a common phenomenon called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). In this article, I’ll discuss the science behind SAD and provide tips for managing its symptoms.

What is Seasonal Affective Disorder Anyway?

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression. It typically occurs during the fall and winter months. While the exact cause of SAD is unknown, researchers believe it may be related to the reduced amount of sunlight during these months. I find the darkest days the hardest. When we have several in a row, I start to get down. The reason for this is that this reduction in sunlight can disrupt our circadian rhythms and decrease the production of serotonin. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that regulates mood.

Symptoms of SAD

The symptoms of SAD vary by individual, but common signs include:

  • Low mood or feelings of hopelessness
  • Fatigue and lack of energy
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Increased appetite and weight gain
  • Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Social withdrawal

Managing SAD

While there is no cure for SAD, there are several strategies that can help manage its symptoms. Here are some tips that have helped me:

  • Get outside: Even on cloudy days, being outdoors can help increase your exposure to natural light, improving your mood and energy levels. Through routine blood tests, I have found that my vitamin D decreases in the Winter. Getting outside helps my overall mood.
  • Light therapy: Light therapy involves sitting in front of a special light box which emits bright light that mimics natural sunlight. This therapy can help regulate your circadian rhythms and improve your mood. I still need to do this, but I am researching it.
  • Exercise: We all know regular exercise can help boost your mood and energy levels. The goal is to aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise each day. I’ve incorporated 30 minutes of walking as my exercise portion of my 30-30-30 plan. If you want more info on this plan, click the link.
  • Connect with others: Social support is essential for managing SAD. Make time for friends and family, or consider joining a support group. I have anxiety, especially about talking on the phone. I find that just reaching out by chat or text is hugely uplifting. You can read more about my personal disorders and journey here.
  • Talk to a professional: If your symptoms are severe, consider talking to a mental health professional. If one is not available, consider your primary care provider. They can help you develop a treatment plan that works for you. I, myself, have embraced seeing a therapist once again. If this option is available to you, I highly recommend it.

Final Thoughts

Finally, Seasonal Affective Disorder is a common condition that can be managed with the right strategies. I’m still learning about it; however, I wanted to bring awareness as we enter mid-winter, as this is when it affects me most. So the next time you feel blah about the weather and Winter, remember my tips. By getting outside, using light therapy, exercising, connecting with others, and seeking professional help, you can improve your mood and energy levels during the fall and winter months.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

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Generalized Anxiety Disorder: How much anxiety is normal?

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Some Anxiety is Normal

Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences from time to time however, when it becomes excessive and persistent, anxiety can interfere with daily life and lead to a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or “GAD” after my husband died in 2020. I’ve also written about my experiences with this disorder before. But now I want to talk about it more in-depth. In this article, we will explore the symptoms, causes, diagnosis, treatment, and coping strategies.

What is An Anxiety Disorder?

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a mental health condition. It’s characterized by excessive and persistent worry, fear, and nervousness. GAD affects approximately 19% of adults in the United States. It is important to seek help if you think you are experiencing an anxiety disorder of any type. If left untreated, it can interfere with daily life and lead to other mental health conditions.

Signs and Symptoms

An anxiety disorder can manifest in physical, emotional, and behavioral symptoms. Physical symptoms may include rapid heartbeat, sweating, trembling, and shortness of breath. My specific symptoms included all of these.

I also suffer from “panic attacks.” Panic disorder is another type of anxiety disorder and is a little different from GAD. More details on the different types later in the article. All create physical symptoms that are depleting and physically stressful. After each episode, my body felt completely exhausted and required time to heal.

Emotional symptoms may include excessive worry, fear, and nervousness. Behavioral symptoms may include avoidance of certain situations or activities. Just after my trauma, I was unable to drive. I found the expressways especially stressful and avoided them for months. It was only after therapy and learning useful calming techniques that was I able to venture back out.

Causes of an Anxiety Disorder

The causes of anxiety disorders are complex and multifactorial. One contributor is biological factors such as genetics, brain chemistry, and hormonal imbalances which may play a role. A second is environmental factors such as trauma, stress, and substance abuse may also contribute. Lastly, psychological factors such as negative thinking patterns and learned behaviors may also be involved.

My cause was trauma. Trauma from finding my husband’s body. That left me with a sense of insecurity about every facet of my life.

Getting a Diagnosis

Diagnosis is based on the presence of specific symptoms along with the exclusion of other medical or mental health conditions. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) outlines the diagnostic criteria for anxiety disorders.

Several types fall under this category which include generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder. Click on the link to learn more about each of these disorders. An anxiety disorder may also co-occur with other mental health conditions such as depression. I was also diagnosed with PTSD.

Treatments

Treatment may involve a combination of medications, psychotherapy, and lifestyle changes. Medications may be prescribed to help reduce symptoms. Psychotherapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy may be used. These may help with learning coping strategies and overcoming fears. Lifestyle changes such as exercise, healthy eating, and stress reduction techniques may also be helpful.

My treatment included using antidepressants in combination with an anti-anxiety medication. I was lucky in that this combo worked for me. It’s important to note there is a waiting period after starting medications. This is to let the medicine build up and work in the body.

Coping Strategies for Anxiety Disorders

In addition to professional treatment, several coping strategies can help individuals manage anxiety disorders. Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and meditation can help reduce symptoms. Mindfulness practices such as yoga and tai chi can also be helpful. Exercise such as walking, running, or swimming can help reduce stress and improve mood. Social support from friends, family, or support groups can also be beneficial.

Anxiety disorders are a common mental health condition that can interfere with daily life. It is important to seek help if you think you are experiencing any type of anxiety disorder. Treatment may involve a combination of medications, psychotherapy, and lifestyle changes. Coping strategies such as relaxation techniques, mindfulness practices, exercise, and social support can also be helpful. Remember, you are not alone, and there is help available.

Treatment times may be short or long-term for success. Never lose sight of the end goal and that is to feel better and be more connected to the life around you.

Thanks for reading –xxooC

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Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

My Disordered Life

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Life with PTSD. What it is…

I’ve wanted to talk about my disordered life a little more in depth for a while now but didn’t exactly know where to start. Then, just the other day I suffered a set back. I was a passenger on a road trip. Not a terribly long one, but I decided to catch up on social media posts. In a news account, I discovered a tweet from a father on the day of a school shooting. This man recounted the day his son was shot and died. This alone was not a trigger. As I kept reading though, he described telling his family that his son was gone. This was the trigger.

My EMDR therapy has softened the memory of actually discovering my late husband already deceased. Now what has surfaced instead, is the memory of telling my daughter. Hearing my child crumble in pain knowing there is nothing I can do to ease her pain. Listening to her break apart and absorb what I said. It’s almost indescribable until I was reading it. His description was exactly what I experienced. I felt his distress. In an instant, I was reliving my own trauma.

Suddenly I felt my anxiety rising. I was caught in the flashback of telling my daughter over the phone and lying on the floor crying with her for what seemed to be an eternity. Finally, hanging up the phone knowing she had this huge gaping wound I couldn’t do anything about. Then I realized I wasn’t in that space anymore. But yet I was. What was happening? A flashback. An uncontrollable emotional and physical response to a traumatic event. This is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Management and Finding Support

Now I have my ways of coping with the anxiety. The physical symptoms which spontaneously occur through flashbacks and social situations. Two and half years on, I am just now beginning to make a little progress in managing my involuntary reactions to triggers. It’s been a long road so far. I’m just one of the lucky ones that have found some sort of support. I realize that PTSD never fully goes away. It may change, it may morph into other stressors but never truly disappears.

I wanted to bring awareness to this condition because I never really knew that much about it before. Sure, most of us know others with this condition. I did. Before I could read what the symptoms are but I didn’t truly know what it was like to live with PTSD. Unfortunately now I do. Because everyone is different, the severity and symptoms are completely individualized.

PTSD has many symptoms. I have dealt with a lot of them. Some days I’m more fragile than others. Some weeks I can go days without thinking about or experiencing triggers. Others not so much. But I’m not giving up and I’m not giving in. I tried that and it didn’t work either. If you have someone in your life with PTSD, my suggestion is just to listen. It’s nice to know I have people around me that want to just be there and listen. No judgements, no opinions, no recommendations, just listening or in some cases, just being there.

An Anxiety Disordered Life

In my life before, anxiety was familiar, but for the most part it was under control. There was a time before when it ruled my life but I had moved on, and found ways to work through it. After my event, my anxiety went out of control. At first it was so bad I couldn’t sleep or drive. My diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I learned in therapy that my life had been unexpectedly altered. For that I couldn’t count on the normal routine of anything anymore. Since then, I have come to know a little more normalcy. Which has helped yes, but the anxiety still comes. Usually in an unexpected setting. When I am least prepared.

The Only Way Is Forward

For many with either of these, the way forward is difficult and sometimes seems impossible. Sometimes I still feel that way but the one constant for me is time. Time will continue to move forward even if I don’t. In that fact, I find some consolation and a bit of peace in my disordered life. Time has become the one thing I know I can count on. It will never leave me and it will always be the same, no matter what. For now that is enough.

Thanks for reading! xxooC

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Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

Past and Future Collide

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Past and future

As some of you know, and many of you don’t, I am a HUGE fan of electronic music of all genres. I discovered an upcoming show by a DJ I like and have seen before. He was coming to my old hometown of Bloomington, Illinois. So I bought tickets. The show was this past weekend.

This show was significant only in the fact that this would be my first trip back to Bloomington since last June. This trip was going to bring me face to face with my past and future.

Every trip I made back between June 2020 (when my husband Eric died) and June 2021 was super painful. So much so I just avoided going. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Bloomington/Normal and I enjoyed every day of the year+ I lived there. But going back to the place of my trauma brought up all kinds of painful memories.

But I decided now was time. Not to confront these emotions, fears, and trauma but the time to stop running from the slightest encounter with triggers. I’ve been in avoidance mode for far too long. I really didn’t give much thought to going beforehand. Anxiety and nervousness were there though. I could feel it rising.

marquise at the castle theater in bloomington illinois past and future

The past

The trip turned out to be exactly what I needed for my future growth. While there, I was reminded of a time just after his passing. I visited a retail store from my previous employment to pick up a few things. Trying to get in and out unnoticed proved unsuccessful. While chatting with a man I had spent some time on the sales floor with, he retold the story of losing his husband.

I had heard this story several times in my previous retail life but now it meant something different as I listened intently. The story was now more personal and I could feel his pain in a very different way. I was still in the first few waves of paralyzing grief. “Still in the fog” as they say. I remember, all I kept thinking was “how is he still standing here?” Then my thoughts went to “how did he get from where I am to where he is?”

So I asked. What was the turning point? His answer surprised me. He replied “I just got tired.” “Tired of feeling this” as his hand waved over his face and chest. I didn’t know what that meant at the time.

The future

Fast forward to now. A received a comment on another article of mine. A family member very close to me has also had significant loss in her life, including the loss of her spouse. His passing was shortly after my husband’s. She is still clinging to her grief. After this weekend of revisiting my past and the life I lost, I realized I am tired. Grief will always be my companion. But I’m tired of it dictating my life and my thoughts. I am tired of the physical and mental anguish. Yet I feel guilt for wanting to let go of the drowning, grief stricken feelings. Those are my badges that remind me of the deep love I still have for the souls I’ve lost.

So where do I go from here? I’ve gone from “waiting to die” to “maybe today will be good.” I made this transition purposefully and willingly. Sure the grief and trauma come back but I have developed a few tricks of my own. Grief has all kinds of surprises. I’m quite sure it has more in store for me. This trip was a win and I feel really good about it. That’s progress. xxooC

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Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

Things I Wished I Had Said

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An Idea Becomes Reality

My late husband Eric was never one to have anyone to make a fuss over him. His birthdays were never a big deal. I am absolutely positive he wouldn’t want his death to be a big deal either. But yet I felt I had to do something for the community he spent half his life in. I wished I had done something sooner, but something is better than nothing. So I organized a memorial/celebration of life. Since I’ve been spreading his ashes all across the country, I thought it only fitting that he be in Shelbyville, Kentucky also. The place where he worked and spent so much time with friends and family. Where he golfed, fished, and all of the other hobbies and things people do in their lives to spend time.

The Anxiety Begins

Since the moment I picked a definitive day and formally created the event, I felt anxious. Anxious for two reasons. One that my anxiety would go off the rails and two, that the whole thing would become something he wouldn’t approve of. The goal was to honor him and remember him, not mourn him but celebrate the impact of this great person on the peoples’ lives he touched. I think he would have liked that.

As the event drew near I became unhinged. There were times I wished I had not planned this thing. My anxiety was worse than it had been in over a year. It still is, even after this is all over. I want to talk about this because I am not the only one. I know many that struggle with anxiety. The hows and the whys it rears it’s head are still a mystery to me. Unexpected and unexplained are my panic attacks.

What I Wished I Had Said

Anyway, the event came and went. After the fact, I realized that there were things I wished I had said. Anxiety had me paralyzed leading up to the whole thing. In the moment, I didn’t really say anything about him. So here it is. Eric was a great human being. Only after his passing did I realize what an impact he made on so many. I still hear stories about things I knew nothing about. To me he was just Eric. My husband. My hero, my cheerleader, my partner, my companion. As with most couples, we argued, we grew as individuals together as well as growing as a couple together.

Our lives changed but we seemed to thrive on change. Stagnation was our weak point. Eric was insecure about himself. He didn’t see himself as a leader yet he challenged people to be better. He was the biggest asshole I know but he was so funny when he was. Most days he acted like he didn’t have a care in the world but he worried about everything. To the point he had problems sleeping. This is the man I knew. He was human, an inspiration.

Afterthoughts

I know he meant a lot, to a lot of people. I think we all have it in us. That spark that lights up someone else. Just when you think no one is looking they are and you just might be someone else’s inspiration, hero, role model, teacher, friend and not even know it. Even in death he has challenged me to think about what people will say about me when I’m gone. I hope I live up to the challenge.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

the tree at lake shelby where I spread Eric's ashes. I wished I had said more
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Speaking Up and Confronting Fears

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Speaking Up with Boundaries

I’ve never been the one for speaking up for myself. I admit, I’m a people pleaser. In my childhood I dared not speak my mind. This action always met with fierce condemnation. Therefore I learned quickly not to speak up for myself. This carried into my adolescent and adult life. There were a few rare occasions where I actually did say what I was thinking. When this did happen, I remember pride mixed with astonishment in myself. I was always in awe of the people around me who could easily just snark or put their thoughts out there. In therapy, I discovered these are all learned behaviors. Unlearning a lifetime of unproductive behaviors is difficult. We teach people how to treat us. I also discovered that by not speaking up but staying silent, I am allowing myself to be treated differently than I want.

Now mix grief into this. I thought feeling hopeless would give me courage. It did in some areas of my life but curiously not in this one. I used to watch my husband. He would say something in a room full of people just to watch everyone get triggered and then leave before someone’s head exploded. “This was an art” I often thought. I could never be so bold. Grief however has definitely emboldened me, but not always in the best ways.

Fear with Anxiety

There was a time I was highly self destructive. In this journey I’ve also been highly creative. The real work on myself began in the midst of this trauma. Anxiety disorder is something that comes and goes in my life. Before the past two years, I really hadn’t dealt with it to the extent I have now. With anxiety comes fear. I realized an irrational fear of abandonment is something I’ve had my entire life. Now to actually be abandoned through no one’s fault. Well that has made this fear a reality and that is the cornerstone of where I am today. I know this but I don’t know how to deal with it but I’m learning.

Confronting Fears

Reconnecting for me continues to be difficult. Grief sets new boundaries but knowing one’s boundaries is important. Reinforcing the boundaries set is even more challenging. I had a conversation the other day with a very good friend about this topic. We both knew it and thus we both understood it completely. Talking about it is easy. Putting what I know into practice is something else altogether. Speaking up for myself, through setting and enforcing personal boundaries makes me confront my fears. Fear of ridicule, fear of abandonment by someone who doesn’t want to respect my boundaries. Fear of disappointing, and fear of confrontation.

Speaking Up with Love

So I constantly ask myself the question, “what have I got to lose?” The answer is nothing and I have to remind myself of that. I truly believe we get what we put out into the world. Someone once said to me, if something is said or done with love then it is never bad. My resolution to myself is to walk in love. I choose to love myself hoping that reinforcing my personal boundaries out of love for myself will continue to bring positivity into my life. Those that understand this may stay. Those that don’t may leave.

Do you struggle with personal boundaries? What irrational fears have you experienced? I want to hear from you. xxooC

lake front picture speaking up