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Grief, Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

When Home Isn’t a Place Anymore

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This morning, I walked through my daughter’s house and caught glimpses of my late husband Eric in photos. Pictures of him, frozen in time. It’s strange how someone who was once my entire world can now feel so far away, like he belongs to another version of me I can barely access. Another lifetime. Another self.

There was a time when seeing his face in a photo could split me wide open. Now it barely moves the needle. And that feels like a betrayal, even though I know it isn’t. I know this is what time does. I know he would understand. He always understood everything about me before I ever had to say a word.

He was my partner, my home, my biggest cheerleader in life, for 23 years. He knew me in ways no one ever had before, and maybe ever will again. But that part of my story feels dim right now, not gone, just buried under something heavier.

Because then came another.

Greg… he opened my heart but in a different way. He was the love of my life in this chapter. He was my twin flame, and it was hard for me to admit at first. This was the kind of love that makes the rest of the world feel blurry. We had our chaos, our plans, our morning hopes. We had our laughter, our softness, and a future we kept building even while the ground beneath him was crumbling.

Losing him has rearranged something inside me.

It’s the kind of grief that overshadows every room you walk into.

It’s the grief that doesn’t ask permission.

Sometimes I can’t even feel my old life because this pain is too loud, too present, too immediate. It isn’t fair, but it’s the truth. And I guess the heart can only hold the fire that’s burning hottest.

I keep thinking about this idea of home.

Because home used to be a person.

Twice.

And now both of those people are gone, and I’m here trying to figure out where I live inside myself.

I miss the security of being known so deeply.

I miss being understood without explaining.

I miss having someone to come back to at the end of the day, someone who felt like mine and who saw me as theirs.

Today I’m sitting alone in the quiet house after everyone left for work and school, and I’m realizing this:

My grief today isn’t really about losing either of them.

It’s about losing the version of me who existed when I still had a home in someone else.

Maybe one day the memories of Eric will soften and return.

Maybe one day the pain of losing Greg won’t crush my chest.

Maybe one day “home” will be something I feel inside myself, instead of something I chase outside of me.

But today, in this exact moment, I’m just a woman. Alone in the quiet, learning how to occupy my own life again.

Learning how to breathe through the emptiness.

Learning how to be here without the people who once held my world together.

It’s raw, and it’s real, and it hurts.

But I’m still here.

Thanks for reading –xxooC

me hiking in colorado
Grief, Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Sedona Was Waiting

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I woke up with an unusual heaviness this morning, not really understanding why. Then I looked at the calendar and remembered — this week was supposed to be our vacation.

We were just about to ask for time off when he left. On his phone, I found searches for “day trips in and around Sedona.” “Things to do in Arizona” was there, too. Quite a few pages were there. I didn’t dare click on any of them. That’s a secret I’m not ready to mourn.

I think about what fun this adventure would have been — packing up the kids, the drive, the playlists, the snack stops. We both loved road trips. The sightseeing and detours, stopping to see something special — that was Greg’s utmost joy. His family used to take detours on their trips when he was young, and that childlike excitement still lived in him when he talked about it. “It breaks up the trip, it’s just a few minutes, and it may be something you never see again.” He was so right. We had a few before and even I got excited about them now.

And then there was always the arrival. My anxiety would kick in as soon as we got there, my fear of the unknown, but Greg was steady. He would unpack, get us settled, and then take me somewhere to unwind. Navigating the unknown was his specialty.

I miss that already — the release, the freedom, the newness. I yearn for that sense of discovery, to be out of the city and exploring somewhere new. To come home with stories and memories we’d made together. We haven’t had a trip since March.

Now I’m mourning something that will not only not happen, but will never happen again. My timeline has changed yet again — abruptly, unexpectedly — and I’m not quite sure how to navigate what comes next.

We had talked about so many trips. Every trip we planned together still lives somewhere — in the space between what could have been and what remains. Maybe that’s where love goes when the body can’t follow.

Mantra for today:

I can still carry the love, even when the map has changed.

He always had this uncanny way of stepping into my photo frame. Not knowing if it was intentional or not. I would just wait until he walked off and take another photo. I always kept the one of him in it 🙂

new orleans photo bomb sedona is waiting
pit stop on a road trip sedona is waiting
balloon glow in louisville photo bomb sedona is waiting
cemetery in macon sedona is waiting
indiana dunes taking photos
Uncategorized

On Starting Over Again.

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Journal Entry 10/28/2025

I find it so profound and cruelly ironic that I’ve moved to Illinois not once, not twice, but three times with someone. Each time, it was with the same hope: to start fresh, to build a life of love and purpose, to make a home where we could both belong.

The first time was with Eric — my husband, my partner for twenty-two years, my best friend. We moved for his dream, for his life’s work. We both believed it was the beginning of something new — a chapter of success and fulfillment after years of hard work and faith in each other. And then, without warning, his heart gave out. An undiagnosed condition stole him away, and with him went the life we had built, the rhythm of everything I knew. That loss was so complete it didn’t even feel real. I left Illinois because I couldn’t bear to stay in the place where our future ended overnight.

The second time was with Greg. I was trying to find something of me again, to rebuild what was lost, and to create something meaningful for both of us. We left because I wasn’t adjusting to life the way I thought I could — I was still carrying so much pain, still unsteady — and my father-in-law needed me home. It wasn’t failure, exactly, but it was unfinished, and I carried that ache with me.

The third time was another attempt to start over — to get away, to start fresh, and to finally build a home where Greg and I could truly thrive and put everything behind us. I wanted peace. I wanted us to grow together, to heal together. And then, once again, it all ended. This time in the most unimaginable way.

Now I sit with the weight of all three — love, loss, hope, destruction — and I can hardly comprehend it. The first time, tragedy. The second, transition. The third, trauma. Each move felt like a new chapter, but somehow they all end the same: with me, standing in the ruins of what I built, wondering how to start again.

I feel like I’ve spent years building homes inside other people — places I thought I could rest, where love would be enough to keep us safe. But maybe now, I need to build a home inside myself. One that can’t be taken away. One that stays, even when no one else does.

photos of greg, odin, freija, and eric and myself. Happy.
photo of eric and i
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Unfriending on Social Media: The New Self Care

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I’m a huge advocate of self care. If I have learned anything on this crazy journey over the last four years, it’s to do what brings me joy. Every single day I have left. I protect my mental health a lot more than I ever have before in my life. Lately, I’ve been increasingly finding social media bringing me anxiety. Normally I would just disconnect for a while but I noticed something. When I come back, the anxiety returns. That’s when I decided I needed to clean up my feeds.

The connections we maintain online can have a profound effect on our mental health and overall well-being. From old high school acquaintances to colleagues and distant family members, our social media feeds are crowded with people we may barely know, or worse, people who contribute negatively to our self-esteem and peace of mind. But here’s a truth we don’t hear often enough: unfriending on social media is a powerful act of self-care. A form of taking one’s power back.

I’ve unfriended a lot of people lately. Some I knew, some I didn’t. Some I felt a little tinge of regret at the time. Others, not so much. With each confirmation of “are you sure” –YES… click, I felt more in control.
Unfriending isn’t about hostility or creating division; it’s about recognizing the importance of boundaries and the impact of our digital environment on our lives. Sometimes, holding onto connections that no longer serve us only adds to our mental load.

We create a more positive and affirming experience by curating our social media spaces. One that supports rather than drains us. In this article, we’ll explore why unfriending can be a healthy choice, how to know when it’s time, and how to approach it with kindness and self-respect. It’s time to put your well-being first, one unfollow at a time.

Understanding Social Media’s Impact on Mental Health

Social media has revolutionized how we communicate, connect, and interact, giving us a platform to share life’s moments with friends, family, and strangers. In the early 90s, I took a communications class in college. Our focus that semester was on media exposure. I was stunned to learn that the brain is exposed to so much media in one day that our brains filter out much of it, and we barely notice it; however, our subconscious stores it. This was in the 90s when just a few people had the luxury of a cell phone and the internet. Fast forward to today, when we are bombarded with not only physical media but also digital media. It can become overwhelming if not kept in perspective, actively assessed, and regulated.

Social media is a beast within itself. But as much as it brings people together, it also has a darker side—one that’s affecting our mental health in ways we’re just beginning to understand. From carefully curated feeds that trigger comparisons to an overwhelming flood of opinions and information, social media can be both mentally and emotionally draining. To truly understand why unfriending can be an act of self-care, it’s essential to look at how social media impacts our minds and emotions.

The Pressure of Constant Comparison
It’s easy to get caught up in feeling like our own lives aren’t good enough, rich enough, or exciting enough while scrolling through social media. This is because we compare ourselves to what others do and achieve. Research has shown that excessive social media use can lead to lower self-esteem, increased anxiety, and even depressive symptoms as users subconsciously measure themselves against these idealized versions of others’ lives.

Emotional Overload and Decision Fatigue
The sheer volume of connections on social media can be overwhelming. Many of us follow hundreds, if not thousands, of people, from close friends to distant acquaintances. Every scroll and every post adds to our mental load. We’re exposed to different opinions, varying moods, and updates from people we barely know, yet we feel obligated to keep up with it all. This constant exposure leads to “decision fatigue” and emotional overload, leaving us drained. When we surround ourselves with more connections than we can manage, social media stops feeling like a source of connection and instead becomes a source of exhaustion.

The Role of Social Media in Stress and Anxiety
For many, social media is also a source of stress, especially when connections frequently post content that evokes strong emotions, whether political opinions, confrontational comments, or triggering personal updates. It’s common to feel anxiety about what you’ll encounter each time you log in, not knowing if you’ll see a positive post from a friend or a divisive comment from a distant relative. Over time, this exposure to high-stakes emotional content can chip away at your mental resilience.

FOMO and the Fear of Disconnecting
The Fear of Missing Out, or FOMO, is a powerful force that can drive our social media habits. This psychological phenomenon causes people to feel anxious about missing out on experiences, events, or even conversations that others are having. I must admit that I am guilty of this myself. Sometimes, I log on just to see if anything major is happening. As a result, we cling to connections that may no longer serve us, worried that unfriending someone on social media might lead us to miss something important. This fear can also trap us in a cycle of passive scrolling and consuming updates from people we may not even interact with in real life. This can contribute to a sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection.

Unfriending as a Solution
Recognizing the impact of social media on our mental health is the first step toward creating a healthier online experience. Unfriending is not about isolating yourself; it’s about protecting your mental space. Limiting your online connections to people who truly add value to your life can reduce emotional overload, avoid toxic comparisons, and shift your social media experience toward something positive and uplifting.

Unfriending or unfollowing people on social media can feel like a big step, especially if you’re worried about how it might be perceived or the fear of “missing out.” But sometimes, it’s exactly what’s needed to protect your mental health. Here are some clear signs that it might be time to consider unfriending or unfollowing certain accounts or people. Paying attention to these indicators can help you make intentional decisions to foster a healthier, more positive social media environment.

Signs It’s Time to Unfriend or Unfollow

1. Negative Emotional Triggers

One of the most obvious signs it’s time to unfriend or unfollow someone is if their posts consistently trigger negative emotions. When I started unfriending, it was because I felt negative feelings about a specific person’s posts more than once. After a few times, I decided I would really rather not see anything from them. So, I deleted them. While it’s natural to feel a range of emotions on social media, however if someone’s updates repeatedly make you feel anxious or any negative emotions consistently, it may be best to disconnect.

2. Lack of Genuine Connection

Social media often encourages us to maintain loose connections with people we barely know, from old classmates to colleagues we haven’t spoken to in years. If you find yourself scrolling past updates from people you have no real connection with, it might be time to reassess why they’re in your feed. A meaningful social media experience is built on relationships that bring genuine connection, support, or inspiration. If someone’s presence doesn’t add value or make you feel more connected, then holding onto that digital connection may not be worth the mental energy.

3. Conflicting Values or Uncomfortable Content

As we grow, our values and beliefs can change, and so can those of the people in our social circles. If you find that someone’s posts frequently clash with your values, opinions, or comfort levels, it may be worth considering whether the connection still serves you. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with people with different perspectives, but if someone’s content repeatedly makes you feel uncomfortable or unsupported, unfriending or unfollowing across all platforms of social media you may be on, might be a way to protect your values and mental space.

4. Digital Clutter and Overstimulation

Social media can quickly become cluttered with too many connections and too much content, leading to a phenomenon called “overstimulation.” It can feel like mental noise if your feed is crowded with updates that don’t interest you or contribute positively to your day. Having a cluttered digital space is the same as having a cluttered home. It can add stress and make it hard to focus on the posts and updates that truly matter to you. Think of your social media feed as your digital home; sometimes, a little decluttering can go a long way in making it a peaceful, enjoyable place.

5. Comparison and Self-Esteem Issues

If you find yourself constantly comparing your life to someone else’s “highlight reel,” this may be a red flag. Social media makes it easy to focus on the best parts of others’ lives while ignoring our own reality. If a specific friend’s feed makes you feel inadequate or self-critical, it might be time to take a break from their content. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them or their posts—it simply means that you’re choosing to prioritize your mental health over the pressure of comparison for the sake of your self-esteem.

6. Relationship Drift or One-Sided Interaction

Over time, relationships naturally change, and it’s not unusual to drift apart from people. If you’re no longer interacting with someone in real life or even engaging in a meaningful way online, it might be worth questioning why you’re holding onto the connection. Social media can sometimes pressure us to keep connections that have faded. Clinging to one-sided or stagnant relationships can drain our energy. If someone doesn’t actively contribute to your life or has yet to engage with you in a long time, consider letting go of the digital tie. This will make space for people who truly value your presence.

Embracing Self-Care through Unfriending

These signs aren’t about finding fault in others but about recognizing what you need to thrive emotionally and mentally. Unfriending or unfollowing doesn’t have to be this big, dramatic gesture. It can be a quiet, personal decision to honor your well-being.

The Benefits of Unfriending as Self-Care

Now, let’s explore why this step can be a profoundly beneficial form of self-care. While unfriending might feel uncomfortable at first, I promise it gets easier the more you do it. It can lead to mental clarity, emotional freedom, and a renewed focus on what matters.

1. Mental Clarity and Reduced Clutter

Each time we scroll, we’re processing snippets of other people’s lives, which can become exhausting. By limiting your digital connections, you create a streamlined space that allows you to focus on the people who genuinely matter to you. With fewer connections, your mind is less bogged down by irrelevant or negative content, giving you a clearer, more enjoyable online experience.

2. Improved Self-Esteem and Confidence

Unfriending or unfollowing accounts that trigger negative self-comparisons can help boost your self-esteem. When constantly exposed to images of other people’s “perfect” lives, it’s easy to feel inadequate or question our own accomplishments. By choosing to let go of connections that feed into these insecurities, you’re making a conscious choice to protect your confidence. A curated social media feed can remind you of your own unique journey, helping you feel more content and assured in who you are.

4. Increased Authenticity in Relationships

Unfriending can be a way of strengthening the relationships that truly matter. When you selectively narrow down your feed, you can stay in touch with the people you want to engage with more frequently. When we hold on to too many distant or one-sided connections, it can dilute our online meaningful interactions. We create a more authentic digital space by focusing on the people who add value and genuinely engage with us.

5. Empowerment through Setting Boundaries

Taking control of your social media environment is an empowering act of boundary-setting. Unfriending isn’t about judgment; it’s about recognizing your right to control the spaces you inhabit, both online and offline. You can certainly unfriend someone on social media and not unfriend them in real life. By curating your digital world to reflect your values, interests, and needs, you’re reinforcing the idea that you are responsible for your mental well-being.

How to Unfriend Mindfully

Unfriending or unfollowing people on social media doesn’t have to be a harsh or impulsive act. Usually, I see something and realize I no longer want to see this type of content. Approaching this process with mindfulness and compassion can make it a positive, empowering experience. Mindful unfriending means you make intentional choices to protect your mental well-being and create a healthier online space without guilt or judgment.

1. Evaluate Your Connections Regularly

To start cleaning your feed mindfully, set aside time every few months to evaluate your social media connections. Go through your friend list or the accounts you follow, and ask yourself whether each connection still aligns with your current values, interests, and goals. This is a tall order if you have hundreds or perhaps thousands of connections. I would then suggest you just take a chunk at a time. Maybe a hundred or so. By regularly reviewing your connections, you can stay intentional and ensure that your social media feed reflects your present life, not just your past.

2. Unfriend with Compassion and Clarity

When you unfollow or unfriend someone, try to do it with compassion. Remind yourself that unfriending isn’t a statement about the other person’s worth—it’s simply an act of self-care. You’re choosing to shape your social media experience in a way that feels good. If you feel guilty, try to reframe your perspective. You’re not rejecting someone; you’re focusing on connections that enhance your well-being.

For close friends or family members, consider whether you’d prefer to have an honest conversation about why you need to take a step back. In some cases, discussing boundaries can strengthen your relationship. If that doesn’t work, by all means…delete.

3. Use the “Unfollow” or “Mute” Options as an Alternative

If you feel uncomfortable with completely unfriending someone, consider using the “unfollow” or “mute” options on most social media platforms. These features allow you to reduce exposure to someone’s posts without severing the connection. Unfollowing or muting can be a helpful middle ground when you want to limit the influence of certain content on your mental health but still value the connection overall. I always try to unfollow first; however, on some social apps, it’s either follow or not.

5. Approach Unfriending as Part of Your Self-Care Routine

Just as you engage in regular physical self-care or mental health practices, try to view mindful unfriending as part of your overall self-care routine. Set an intention for your social media use, whether connecting with loved ones, finding inspiration, or sharing meaningful moments. Revisit this intention each time you feel like your feed is becoming overwhelming or out of alignment with your goals. Treating unfriending as a self-care practice reminds you that this is a healthy, routine way to prioritize your mental health.

6. Practice Self-Compassion and Release Any Guilt

It’s common to feel a twinge of guilt or worry when unfriending someone. Practicing self-compassion can help you navigate these emotions. Remind yourself that it’s your space, and you’re alone. You control what is allowed in and what is not. Release any feelings of guilt by recognizing that unfriending doesn’t mean you’re ending a relationship for good unless you want to. It simply means you’re managing your boundaries in a healthy way.

7. Embrace the Benefits of a Curated Digital Space

As you unfriend or unfollow people who no longer serve you, take time to reflect on the positive changes. Notice how your social media feed feels lighter, more relevant, and enjoyable. Embrace the benefits of having a curated space that inspires and uplifts you. Over time, you’ll find that these choices allow you to use social media to support your life rather than detract from it.

Building a Positive and Sustainable Social Media Experience

Follow Accounts That Inspire and Uplift

Take advantage of your curated social media space. Begin to refill it with content that resonates and inspires you. Discover artists, writers, fitness experts, or community pages focused on the things you love. Start following people or pages that align with your personal growth goals. Whether that’s mental health advocates, wellness experts, or individuals who share helpful resources. A feed reflecting your values and interests will keep you engaged rather than drained.

Handling Reactions and Navigating Social Media Etiquette

Unfriending and curating your social media space is an act of self-care. Although it’s natural to feel a bit uneasy about how others might perceive your choices. Social media can often come with an unspoken pressure to maintain every connection indefinitely, even when doing so isn’t in our best interest. Now, we’ll discuss how to handle potential reactions from others. It’s important to navigate social media etiquette with kindness and confidence so you can feel empowered in your choices without guilt or stress.

1. Let Go of the Fear of Others’ Reactions

When we unfriend or unfollow someone, it’s common to worry about how they might interpret it. Will they feel hurt? Will they take it personally? The reality is that people’s reactions are ultimately out of your control. While it’s natural to care about others’ feelings, remind yourself that curating your social media feed is a form of self-care. It is not a reflection of someone else’s worth or value. You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. Read that again if you have to. Now understand this: if unfriending is what you need to do to prioritize your mental well-being, trust in your decision. People who care about you will understand that everyone has the right to set boundaries online.

2. Consider a Direct Conversation if Needed

In some cases, especially with close friends or family members, unfriending or unfollowing might feel too abrupt. If you’re worried about how someone close to you might react, consider having a direct and honest conversation. If this gives you anxiety, I suggest just going with your gut and pressing the button. You could explain that you’re adjusting your social media use to improve your mental health. Also, that your decision is not a reflection of how you feel about them personally; however, I choose no drama over any drama. If you are doubting the outcome, always protect yourself.

3. Respect Others’ Boundaries and Choices, Too

Just as you have the right to unfollow or unfriend, others do too. If you notice that someone has unfriended you, try to approach it with understanding rather than taking it personally. People’s reasons for unfriending are often about their own boundaries or well-being rather than a statement about you. We can’t help but wonder what the final straw was, but I’ve gotten used to just chuckling about it and moving on. Practicing empathy and respecting others’ social media boundaries can help reduce the stigma or awkwardness around unfriending, making it a normal part of digital life.

Embracing Social Media as a Tool for Self-Care

Curating your social media experience isn’t just about unfollowing or unfriending. It’s about taking charge of the digital spaces you occupy and ensuring they reflect your values, protect your mental health, and add positivity to your life. In a world where social media often blurs boundaries and intensifies comparison, making intentional choices about your online connections can be a powerful form of self-care.

By recognizing the importance of mindful curation, setting boundaries, and regularly reflecting on your digital habits, you’re setting yourself up for a healthier relationship with social media. Focus on content and connections that uplift you, inspire you, and align with your current path. Understand that unfriending or unfollowing isn’t about rejecting others, but about protecting yourself. You can approach this process with compassion and confidence.

As you move forward, remember that social media is a tool—one that you have complete control over. Let go of guilt, embrace the freedom to set boundaries, and trust in your right to shape your feed to serve your well-being. Social media can be a space for meaningful connection, personal growth, and inspiration, but only if we use it with intention.

So, give yourself permission to unfriend, unfollow, or take breaks when needed. Social media should be a space that nurtures your joy, supports your journey, and reflects who you truly are.

Thanks for reading. I love you all. –xxooC

Destinations, Uncategorized

Finding Home Again: Change, Challenges, and New Beginnings

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A Year in a Day

Hi there, it’s me. Wow, where did the year go? I keep asking myself that question frequently these past few weeks. So much has happened in the past few months alone, and knowing where to begin is tough. This is an update and this is my story of finding home again this past year. First off, my writing has taken a back seat to real life for the moment. I’m still working on my companion workbook. I transferred in my job, moved again, back to Chicago, and finally found an apartment I adore. I downsized my life considerably over the summer in prep for this move. All while working on a relationship and trying desperately to shed the remainder of my former life to give this one a fighting chance. Let me explain.

Returning to Kentucky a year ago took a lot of soul-searching but not much planning. I didn’t know for how long or when I would ever leave Kentucky again, so I’ve been in limbo. In the meantime, I wrote and launched my book and started on the companion workbook. It’s essentially written but has been stuck in the final stages for over three months now due to my inability to just sit down and devote some time to it. Apologies to you and myself for that.

Returning to Chicago

Next, the most important event was that I transferred to Macy’s Oakbrook Center, back to Chicagoland for my job. I officially started last month. For housing, I initially booked an extended stay at a hotel, which wasn’t terrible, but I didn’t realize exactly how far away from the city that it was. It’s been challenging. Not only getting to work but finding an apartment. I opted to rent versus buy for a year to get comfortable with being back and not be pressured into buying something I don’t love in a neighborhood I’m not thrilled with.

So, with that, finding home again meant a perfect two-bedroom apartment on the first floor in a lovely neighborhood called Oak Park. The building is old, the updates are sufficient, it’s small, and although it doesn’t quite feel like home yet, it will. (This is not my apartment, just a cool photo in the Macy’s where I work!)

sofa with photos of iconic chicago on the wall in the background finding home again

Balancing Life and Writing

I’ve written several articles that have just been sitting and waiting for revision and publication all the while since I knew I was coming back. Another procrastination I apologize for. The most recent, which I’ll probably get out soon, is about emerging from the widow’s fog. I’ve done that this year, and it’s been an experience I barely found words to describe. I can only liken it to waking up from a dream in which I had little control over what was happening around me, only to realize most of it was real. It’s truly a surreal experience.

During this “awakening,” I realized I needed to downsize my life again to prepare for this two-state move again. The honest truth was, when I looked around, not much from my former life meant anything to me.

Lots of stuff from my past and present life was donated, lots thrown away, given away, and some was just stored. I’m still working through it, but it still amazes me the drive I’ve had to just start a new life with new things and new places and only have around me the small things that bring me joy. It’s been a freeing experience. I highly recommend it.

surfboard with the words "you can't stop the waves but you can learn to surf"

Love and Fear

Now, we come to the much-guarded relationship status. I’ve met someone, or should I say re-met someone. We’ve known each other for years, even decades. When we started exploring this relationship, it was a questionable situation for both of us; however, we decided to give it a shot and see where things went. It’s been anything but easy, though we’ve persevered, and here we are, in Chicago, together, for a second time.

roses finding home again

No one knows what the future holds for either of us, and the thought of losing someone that close to me frightens me to my very core. The fact of it all comes down to whether I want to be alone the rest of my life, whatever time I have left, or if I wish to share it with someone every day. I think this is part of my journey in finding home again. This feels like home. For now, we are still working on the day-to-day, just as any new relationship works.

In the end, I still have a lot of challenges before me. Picking up and moving somewhere new is precisely what I needed when I needed it most. If you’ve read half of anything I’ve written, or know me at all, you know I thrive on figuring out difficult circumstances and forging my own path ahead. That is exactly what I am doing. Stay tuned. There’s so much more to come.

Thanks for reading. I love you all! –xxooC

me on the beach finding home again in chicago
Grief, Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

The Last Goodbye: A Journey Towards Healing and Closure

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The Ups and Downs of a Grief Journey

I was in the process of writing a different article, one about how to live a life to be proud of, not one about saying goodbye. But, as with any grief journey, there are good days and bad and I’ll eventually get to that article, just not today. Today wasn’t the worst, but it could have been a better one. I’ve had more than a few not-so-great days this week. Because my blog just turned two, and June will be four years since my husband’s departure, I think it’s all made me a little sad, especially in the mornings when I try to write. 

I thought I had a revelation this morning, but I was mistaken. I’ll get to that in a minute. I presumably thought I had missed out on a milestone for healing. One I thought, if I could put it behind me, it would definitely help me move on mentally and emotionally. So, after googling some ways in which to do this, and in the midst of a severe panic attack, I realized, to my complete surprise, that I had, in fact, already said goodbye. Let me explain.

colorado sky and mountains last goodbye

The Search for Closure

I touched on this whole story once before in another article. This morning’s revelation was that I never actually got to say goodbye. Therefore, doing so now would allow me the closure to move forward. Once I googled the best ways to do this, according to other therapy sites, I came across a forum response. I’m sorry if I don’t credit the person who said this. I can’t even remember what forum it was, but the guy said, “You did say goodbye. Just remember all of the times you said goodbye before. You didn’t know if you would see each other again then.” This hit me like a ton of bricks.

Why Goodbyes Matter

Early in our marriage, we had a mutual friend lose his wife suddenly to a car accident on her way home from work. This incident shook the very foundation of our relationship in that we never wanted to part or leave each other without saying, “I love you.” After she died, we did say our last goodbyes every day and every night for many, many years. Everytime not knowing if it truly would be the last. Then it was.

The last time I saw my husband was the night before. It was just after midnight, and I woke up in my recliner next to his. He was awake and still watching TV. I said I was going to bed, and he replied, “Okay, goodnight.” Before I left the room, I kissed him purposefully, as I did every night before, and we both said, “I love you.” We ended exactly the way we both wanted, with love in our hearts and goodbye on our lips.

So this evening, I have a little more peace and, dare I say, maybe even some closure. Now, I have to figure out what to do with it. My point to this story is: Don’t take for granted that when you say goodbye to someone, it very well could be the last time you get to say it. Be okay with how you leave people who matter. 

Thanks for reading– xxooC

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Fear of Writing: From Trauma to Triumph

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Suffering Boundary Issues as a Child

When I was young, elementary school as I recall, someone gifted me a diary for my birthday. My love of paper and books was already brightly blooming, so this was an amazingly wonderful gift. I remember it well. It was brown with gold trim. The front said, “My Diary.” It wasn’t more than 5″x7″, but it had this little closure piece wrapped around the right side with a hole and two little keys. Each page had a tight rule, and I remember thinking, “Can I write that small?”

I admired this little magical book for some time without ever writing a word. I often wondered if I could imagine anything worthy to write about. Then, one day, I did it. I took pen to this little book and wrote my heart out, albeit most of it was what I had to eat that day. Then something extraordinary happened: my heart and soul began to pour out into words. Then, one day after returning from school, it was gone—just gone.

Developing a Fear of Writing

I won’t go into the gritty details of the mess that ensued because someone read my diary, but I will say it was the first real betrayal of privacy I had ever known. That moment marked me. I tried to write, journal, and express myself a few more times in childhood, and I was always met with fear. Fear of someone using my words against me again. So, I carried this with me for much longer than I should have. Then, something else equally jarring happened. My husband died.

The loss of my husband put something inside me into motion. Something familiar yet uncomfortable. Suddenly, I had a lot to say inside, so I let it out the only way I knew how-by writing. At first, it was simply letters to him, but it quickly became much more. I vaguely remember hitting publish on my first blog article almost two years ago. How frightening that felt. I put something so personal out into the world to be judged all over again, the way I was as a child. The only difference between a small girl with a diary and now is… I don’t care anymore. I will speak my truth.

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Recognize the Impact of Boundary Issues

This is the story of my fear of writing, which I’ve experienced most of my life now. It isn’t to rehash or lay blame. I tell you this story to provide some hope that anyone can find healing and self-discovery through creativity. My point is, that writing can be a source of healing. It’s something I am passionate about, and I’ve repeated it in my blog articles and my upcoming book. Journaling came naturally to me, even though I left it for many years for fear of writing after my trauma. Now, it’s my comfort zone. It can be yours, too, if you let it. In this article, I’ll talk about ways to get those creative juices flowing and start some therapy and self-care of your own.

But first, let’s discuss the boundary issues crossed when I was little. At the time, no one thought they were doing harm. On the contrary, however, that incident caused irreparable damage. Erikson’s Stages of Development research has shown that children recognize and display autonomy as early as 18 months, and it’s fully developed by age 3. Childhood autonomy and privacy are fundamental in the development of individuality and self-esteem.

Invading someone’s privacy takes away some of their autonomy and control over their world and teaches them to distrust. Not only that, but it can negatively impact relationships, making trust almost immediately vanish and possibly never rebuilding.

The impact when boundaries are not recognized with a young child, well-intentioned or not, can have lasting effects, but as adults, we can recognize and overcome this if we are willing to do the work. For me, something just snapped. For you, it may take some deep understanding and work to get past the creativity barrier.

Reconnect with Your Inner Voice

Second, let’s discuss reconnecting with your inner voice if you also fear writing, journaling, or being creative in general. Think back to a time when you were, or wanted to be creative. Chances are there was an instance that shook your trust and stifled you. Try to separate the instance and the feelings of mistrust and betrayal you felt from the creative process itself. Imagine yourself writing, painting, or drawing and how freeing that can feel.

Even if you’ve never faced obstacles to creativity, you still may not know where to begin. I challenge you to make some time. Just a few minutes will do. Sit with a pencil and blank paper. If you can’t write, then draw. If you can’t draw, then doodle something, anything. The point is to do it and do it freely. Don’t worry that it’s not “correct” or it isn’t “pretty.”

Next, after you’ve created something, sit and look at it. Analyze it and see what you have made. Focus on the now and try to be in the moment. This is your moment to trust yourself, trust your surroundings, and trust your own self-awareness. Now, do it all over again!

sunrise on tybee island fear of writing
Practice Self-Care

Self-care is so crucial when embarking on something new. I know how scary it is to feel unsure and uncomfortable with creativity. I promise the more you practice, the easier it becomes. Now that you’ve tasted creating let’s discuss some tips for staying and feeling safe in your space.

  • Take breaks while writing, drawing, coloring, or whatever you are creating. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed as I rush to get words out, and I have to step away for a minute and focus on something else. That’s perfectly okay. Allow room to heal because that is what is happening. 
  • Set healthy boundaries with yourself and those around you. (Click the link for more tips.) If you are worried about someone else invading your privacy and want to keep everything hidden for a while or forever, that’s okay, too. Just ensure you password-protect files on your computer, tablet, or phone. Take your drawings or hard-copy journals and buy a lock box. I tried this once with my late husband, and he was more than willing to give me my space. I once briefly started journaling again about twenty years ago and after explaining what I was doing, he promised he would never read my writing, and he didn’t. Of course, I kept it locked away because I still had trust issues, but the important thing to point out here is he supported me. I’m sure you have people around to support you as well.
  • Try to be in the moment when creating. Listen to the sounds around you, and focus on your breathing. I know mine gets erratic when I’m writing. I sometimes have to calm myself and come back to the moment. This practice is called mindfulness.
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Seek Support

Lastly, if you’re still unsure and need a place to start, start with a trusted friend or group. Find a writing group online or hire a coach or mentor. Go to an art class or watch some YouTube videos on painting and drawing. Sometimes, it just helps to feel like you are doing it with someone and are not alone.

Conclusion

In conclusion, overcoming a fear of writing after experiencing boundary issues is a complex and emotional journey. However, it is possible to reclaim your voice and express yourself creatively with the right support and guidance. By recognizing the impact of boundary issues, reconnecting with your inner voice, practicing self-care, and seeking support and guidance, you can begin the journey of healing and empowerment. So, take the first step today and begin the process of overcoming your fear of writing. With patience, persistence, and support, you can transform your trauma into triumph and use writing/journaling as a tool for healing and self-expression.

Thanks for reading– xxooC

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Uncategorized, Writing Prompts

My Detroit Boots from Current Mood

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Daily writing prompt
Tell us about your favorite pair of shoes, and where they’ve taken you.
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These boots were purchased in the fall of 2017 to go to festivals. They’ve been to:

-2017 Escape Halloween (San Bernardino, CA) -2018 EDC (Las Vegas, NV) -2018 Escape Halloween (San Bernardino, CA) -2019 EDC (Las Vegas, NV) -2019 Freaky Deaky (Baytown, TX) -2021 Hard Summer (San Bernardino, CA) -2022 Escape Halloween (San Bernardino, CA) -And Various Other Shows and Concerts

They are now retired, but the reason they are so special is because they took me to shows not only with my husband but to ones after he passed. I love these boots. I will cherish them forever and who knows, maybe I’ll have them resoled and they can live on. Just when I think they are done, they clean up and make comeback!

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Beat the Blues During The Holiday Season:

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5 Simple Self-Care Practices for The Holiday Season

The holiday season can be a challenging time for many people. I have never been a big fan of Christmas. Due to the pressure of buying gifts, the stress of traveling, attending family gatherings, and the expectation to feel happy and joyful. The shorter days, colder weather, and lack of sunlight can lead to negative emotions and depression. Being employed in a job that revolves around the holiday season can also add to the stress. It is essential to acknowledge that these feelings are normal and valid, and it is possible to cope and receive support. In this article, you’ll find five simple things you can do to manage your mental health better during the holidays, which can have a significant impact on your mood.

1. Meditation

One way to manage your mental health during the holiday season is to incorporate meditation into your daily routine. While I was in EMDR therapy, my therapist asked me to think of a place that made me feel calm and safe. (Read more about my journey here.) She asked for a place I had recently visited and could vividly picture in my head. After focusing on this place for just a few short minutes, I could calm my breathing and whole body.

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Take a few minutes each day to sit quietly and focus on just your breath or something relaxing. This simple technique can significantly impact your mood and overall well-being. Meditation can help reduce stress and provide many other beneficial features. There are many different types of meditation, so it’s important to find one that works best for you. A few types of are guided meditation, mantra meditation, and mindfulness meditation. Click on any link to read more about each. Meditation can be powerful for improving your mental health and finding peace during the hectic holiday season.

2. Keep a Gratitude Journal

Start a gratitude journal during the holidays. Acknowledging what you’re grateful for can be another easy way to improve your mental health and overall well-being. I have a couple of ways to incorporate gratitude into my stressful days. One is with a small gratitude book with prompts. I also use meditation to focus on the people, things, and experiences I have had, which make my life more joyful.

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Reflecting on what you are grateful for can help you shift your focus from anxious thoughts and feelings to positive, relaxing ones. It’s easy to get caught up in the stress and chaos of shopping, cooking, and entertaining. Taking the time to appreciate the small things in life can make a big difference. Your gratitude journal can be as simple as a notebook where you write down three daily things you are thankful for. Whether it’s a warm cup of tea, a hug from a loved one, or watching a sunset, focusing on the good in your life can help you feel more content and at peace.

3. Make Time for Yourself

The holiday season is often filled with activities and social obligations that can be overwhelming and exhausting. Just after my daughter was born, I had multiple family gatherings to attend and gifts to buy. I felt a lot of stress and anxiety about attending everything and also preparing a modest Christmas morning celebration for my family. And did I mention I had a newborn? Making time for yourself during the holidays can also help to maintain good mental health and well-being.

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It’s important to remember to give yourself permission to take a break and prioritize your own needs. A relaxing bath, reading a book, or walking can help you recharge and feel more centered. By taking care of yourself, you’ll be better equipped to handle the demands of the holiday season. You will also enjoy the time spent with loved ones. If you find this one difficult, ask a loved one for support. Remember, self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary.

4. Just Say No

As I’ve said, the holiday season can come with a lot of pressure to attend events, buy gifts, and participate in various activities. However, it’s also important to remember saying no is okay. As my daughter got a little older, I eventually just had to say no to some obligations. It all became too much for her and me. You don’t have to attend every party or buy expensive gifts to show your love and appreciation for others. It’s essential to prioritize yourself, and sometimes that means saying no to certain obligations. Saying no can be empowering and liberating, allowing you to focus on what truly matters. Enjoy the holiday season in a way that feels fun and fulfilling to you. Remember, you are in charge of your own boundaries, and it’s okay to set them.

5. Adjust Your Expectations

Lastly, adjusting our expectations is sometimes necessary to avoid disappointment and stress during the holidays. Getting caught up in the idea of having the perfect holiday with perfect gifts, decorations, and experiences is easy. One year, I went into a full-blown panic attack on Christmas Eve after I put everything under the tree. Did I get enough? Will she be happy with what I got her? It was too late to do anything about it now. All these thoughts led me to not enjoy just being with my family on Christmas Eve.

Striving for perfection can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction. Instead, try to focus on creating meaningful memories and experiences with loved ones. This can be done through simple traditions or quality time spent together. Adjusting your expectations can help you enjoy the holiday season more fully and reduce stress and anxiety. Remember, the holiday season is about being present and appreciating the people in your life, not about perfection.

Remember, the holiday season should be fun and bring you joy. I hope these tips help make everyone’s holidays do just that. Enjoy! Thanks for reading. –xxooC

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Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: How much anxiety is normal?

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Some Anxiety is Normal

Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences from time to time however, when it becomes excessive and persistent, anxiety can interfere with daily life and lead to a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or “GAD” after my husband died in 2020. I’ve also written about my experiences with this disorder before. But now I want to talk about it more in-depth. In this article, we will explore the symptoms, causes, diagnosis, treatment, and coping strategies.

What is An Anxiety Disorder?

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a mental health condition. It’s characterized by excessive and persistent worry, fear, and nervousness. GAD affects approximately 19% of adults in the United States. It is important to seek help if you think you are experiencing an anxiety disorder of any type. If left untreated, it can interfere with daily life and lead to other mental health conditions.

Signs and Symptoms

An anxiety disorder can manifest in physical, emotional, and behavioral symptoms. Physical symptoms may include rapid heartbeat, sweating, trembling, and shortness of breath. My specific symptoms included all of these.

I also suffer from “panic attacks.” Panic disorder is another type of anxiety disorder and is a little different from GAD. More details on the different types later in the article. All create physical symptoms that are depleting and physically stressful. After each episode, my body felt completely exhausted and required time to heal.

Emotional symptoms may include excessive worry, fear, and nervousness. Behavioral symptoms may include avoidance of certain situations or activities. Just after my trauma, I was unable to drive. I found the expressways especially stressful and avoided them for months. It was only after therapy and learning useful calming techniques that was I able to venture back out.

Causes of an Anxiety Disorder

The causes of anxiety disorders are complex and multifactorial. One contributor is biological factors such as genetics, brain chemistry, and hormonal imbalances which may play a role. A second is environmental factors such as trauma, stress, and substance abuse may also contribute. Lastly, psychological factors such as negative thinking patterns and learned behaviors may also be involved.

My cause was trauma. Trauma from finding my husband’s body. That left me with a sense of insecurity about every facet of my life.

Getting a Diagnosis

Diagnosis is based on the presence of specific symptoms along with the exclusion of other medical or mental health conditions. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) outlines the diagnostic criteria for anxiety disorders.

Several types fall under this category which include generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder. Click on the link to learn more about each of these disorders. An anxiety disorder may also co-occur with other mental health conditions such as depression. I was also diagnosed with PTSD.

Treatments

Treatment may involve a combination of medications, psychotherapy, and lifestyle changes. Medications may be prescribed to help reduce symptoms. Psychotherapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy may be used. These may help with learning coping strategies and overcoming fears. Lifestyle changes such as exercise, healthy eating, and stress reduction techniques may also be helpful.

My treatment included using antidepressants in combination with an anti-anxiety medication. I was lucky in that this combo worked for me. It’s important to note there is a waiting period after starting medications. This is to let the medicine build up and work in the body.

Coping Strategies for Anxiety Disorders

In addition to professional treatment, several coping strategies can help individuals manage anxiety disorders. Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and meditation can help reduce symptoms. Mindfulness practices such as yoga and tai chi can also be helpful. Exercise such as walking, running, or swimming can help reduce stress and improve mood. Social support from friends, family, or support groups can also be beneficial.

Anxiety disorders are a common mental health condition that can interfere with daily life. It is important to seek help if you think you are experiencing any type of anxiety disorder. Treatment may involve a combination of medications, psychotherapy, and lifestyle changes. Coping strategies such as relaxation techniques, mindfulness practices, exercise, and social support can also be helpful. Remember, you are not alone, and there is help available.

Treatment times may be short or long-term for success. Never lose sight of the end goal and that is to feel better and be more connected to the life around you.

Thanks for reading –xxooC

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Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Goodbye, Malice: Coping with the Loss of a Beloved Dog

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A Pet is a Companion

Coping with the loss of a dog or beloved pet is never easy. Losing Malice was a very painful experience. One that many pet owners have had to face. The bond we share with our furry friends is truly unique, and losing them leaves an immense void in our hearts.

In 2009, Malice was born and three years later she came to live with us. Our last Chow had passed away about five years before that. It had taken my late husband all this time to get over the loss and decide that he was ready to embark on another furry adventure.

malice on the front porch coping with the loss of a pet

Our dogs are not just pets. They become cherished family members. When they leave us, the emotional impact can be overwhelming. It is important to acknowledge and understand the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Recognizing these stages can help us make sense of our emotions and begin the healing process.

The Time in Between

When we brought Malice home, as with any new friendship, it took time for everyone to become trusting of one another. But it didn’t take long before she was playing with her new feline buddies. This time in between dogs allowed Eric and our family time to cope and heal.

Allowing yourself to grieve is an essential part of healing. Give yourself permission to feel the pain and express your emotions in a healthy way. Whether it’s talking to friends and family who understand or joining support groups or online communities for pet loss, seeking support is crucial. Surrounding ourselves with people who empathize with our pain can provide immense comfort and solace.

Ways to Honor and Keep the Memory Alive

One of the ways in coping with the loss of a beloved dog is to honor your dog’s memory. This can provide a sense of closure. Consider organizing a memorial or tribute for your dog, where you can gather with loved ones to celebrate their life and reminisce about the happy times you shared. Creating a memory book or scrapbook filled with pictures, stories, and mementos can be a therapeutic way to remember your beloved dog and keep their memory alive.

I’ve collected photos and put them in a special folder on my desktop. It really brings a smile to my face to see pictures of her young and with other family members. I will always have a special place in my heart for this little soul. She brought my family so much joy during her time here.

malice sitting in the kitchen
malice on a pontoon boat coping with the loss of a dog
malice in her favorite tee coping with the loss of a dog
malice laying on the bed on her side coping with the loss of a pet

Paying it forward can also be a beautiful way to honor your dog’s memory. Volunteer at local animal shelters or rescue organizations to help dogs in need. By sharing your love and compassion with other animals, you are not only giving back but also finding purpose and healing in the process. If possible, consider donating in memory of your lost dog to support animal welfare causes. This act of kindness can create a legacy for your beloved pet and help other dogs in need.

Take ALL the Time Needed

Just like losing Lucy last year, healing takes time. Coping with the loss of a beloved pet is a process that cannot be rushed. Permitting yourself to heal at your own pace is important with any loss. I know some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. I’m allowing myself to experience the grief, but I’m also trying to find moments of joy and gratitude amidst the pain.

Odin has been a huge comfort during this time. I had another family member lose her dog earlier this year. She adopted right away. Adopting a new dog can bring immense joy and love back into your life. It doesn’t mean you are replacing your lost dog. But rather opening your heart to a new furry friend who can provide companionship and comfort.

Losing a dog or any pet is an incredibly heartbreaking experience. But it is possible to find solace and healing. Take the time to grieve, seek support, and honor your dog’s memory. Remember, healing is a personal journey, and it will happen at its own pace. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions. When the time is right, consider opening your heart to a new dog and pay it forward to help other animals. Although your dog may be physically gone, their spirit will always be with you. I know Malice and Lucy are still with me.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

More Success and Defining

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The Early Years

When I was ridiculously young, I equated material things to more success. No matter what I had, I always wanted better and more. Once in my twenties, I hung out with a group that all owned their own businesses. To me that was highly successful. I learned a lot from them in a short time. Being successful to them meant freedom. Then once I had my own business, I still didn’t feel successful enough. The craving for more everything was always present.

Loss is Not Failure

I wrote about this before. More recently, as I’ve been trying to practice gratitude, I keep coming back to how I felt earlier in life vs. how I feel now. Going from having a lot of things to living a minimalistic lifestyle, I have shed the notion of material things as a sign of successfulness. In doing this, I also shed what defines my success. Losing all that I did in my life didn’t seem like a failure but just that, a loss. So I had to look at what was still there, present, in my life.

When my husband died a few years ago, I was completely in awe by the tributes written to him. He truly changed people’s lives. Although he didn’t know it, and we didn’t see it at the time. My husband had an unrecognized level of achievement both personally and professionally. We had the big house, he had the great job, and both of us were in a better place in our lives than ever before. So I asked myself, does this mean success?

Measuring Success

Well, sort of but not exactly. I’m beginning to believe success is in direct relation to being content in the moment. At the moment he died, we had achieved a lot, but didn’t consider ourselves successful. Now I’m beginning to understand the defining measure of success in life to me, is in how I actually measure it. Furthermore, my measuring may be completely different than anyone else.

To me, it now has nothing to do with materialism but rather the feeling I have when I look around my life. Am I successful? Well sort of but again, not exactly. The definition of success is “The achieving of results wanted or hoped for.” So maybe I can have success without claiming my life successful. A new concept for me.

What do I feel successful about in my life right now, in this moment? I’m successful at surviving three years after my husband’s sudden death. I’m successful at rejoining a bit of life and experiencing some joy. My professional success is still a work in progress. Claiming success on some levels in my life seem realistic now. I’m not sure I will ever have complete success but rather contentment within certain important areas.

Final Yet Evolving Thoughts

So as I keep moving and growing through these next chapters of my life, I am reminded of how far I’ve come. My way of defining personal success has changed drastically through my experiences and reflections. Yes I know some of it just comes with age and experience in life but still. Now I believe success is in the perspective. And just like grief, is an individual experience. I’ll continue to evolve and grow while setting new goals for myself.

I want to hear from you. Have your views on success changed? How successful do you consider yourself? How do you measure your own personal success?

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

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