Tag Archives: #grief

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

My Food Journey

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Journey Setbacks Suck

I’ve suffered some setbacks lately. Both mentally and physically. I found out last year through a DNA sensitivity test, that I am super sentsitive to certain foods. I kind of already knew it but, this completely confirmed it. The majority of people have food sensitivities and don’t even know it. I was one of those people. Don’t let anyone or any doctor tell you differently. Food sensitivies can wreak havoc in gut. The gut controls the immune system. When the immune system fails, the body is open to other diseases including auto-immune disorders. This is where my food journey begins.

All of what I’m about to tell you is what prompted me to write this article about my food journey. Because a couple of weeks ago, I ate a whole bunch of things I shouldn’t have. This really caused a screw up in my digestive system as well as inflamation throughout my entire body. On top of this bodily stress from food, this caused my mental stress to multiply. Coupled with the anxiety of a new job, a new city, a new living space…well you get where I’m going.

NOTE: I’ve inserted lots of links to outside websites explaining medical definitions and explainations. Just click on any to learn more about that topic. Thanks!

Food Journey Version 1.0

My food journey started way back in my late twenties. First I was diagnosed with hypo-thyroidism. This resulted in medication. Second was arthritis. More medication. Third was chronic fatigue syndrome. Even more medication. Amphetamines were prescribed at one point just because my energy level had dropped so low.

Then by my mid thirties I was a wreck. I broke my first bone in 2005. My endocrinologist sent me for a DEXA bone scan. This is a test that measures bone density. I was borderline osteopenia. More medication was prescribed and this is where I said STOP! I truly believe we have to become our own advocates when the medical system isn’t working in our favor. So I started reading, and reading, and more reading.

Version 1.5

I learned almost all illnesses start from bad gut health. This is a whole ‘nother topic and I’ve included some links if you want to explore this more. If you are experiencing symptoms, I highly recommend digging deeper. The results will shock you. Anyway, I had been fasting off and on for quite some time and I always felt amazing during a cleanse. So I felt I was on the right path with the food thing. Not knowing how to proceed and not having enough information yet, I suffered for many years to come.

Then, in my early forties, after many attempts to clean up my diet, nothing seemed to be working. I felt the worse I had felt in my entire life. Then I suffered my second bone break in 2013. The results of my most recent bone scan showed I was creeping up to osteoporosis. I couldn’t open my hands in the morning from pain and inflammation. My body constantly ached like the flu. My brain was foggy all day. Moodiness, yes. Irregularity, yes. No strength, no energy, no motivation, constant digestive issues, that was all me. So I decided to do something.

me with a boot on my first after second break my food journey
my foot in therapy my food journey
Important Food Discoveries

My first attempt was to cut out the big 6 for 4 months. That was wheat, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, corn, and sugar. Yes it was difficult but well worth it. After reintroducing each one, I’ve found that all of them affect me in some way. Gluten? Any gluten more than a couple of bites at all, I can’t digest it. Corn? In excess, inflammation ie: arthritis symptoms. Caffeine? Tummy issues immediately. Sugar? In excess, bloating and swelling of hands and feet. Alcohol? It all depends. Dairy? Well that depends too.

food i was cooking on my food journey

I want to point out here there is a BIG difference between allergy and intolerance regarding food. Click on the link to discover more. With this knowledge, I slowly started to change my diet. Eat more good stuff and avoid the known issues. Meanwhile, I cut out a considerable amount of medications. Finally, I was down to just the ones for thyroid support and bone loss.

Bone Broth!

I also wanted to add that I started making bone broth for collagen support. Super easy to do in a crock pot and I can’t say enough about how good it made me feel. If you want my recipe just ask. It’s nothing complicated and I will be happy to share. I just took a recipe off the web and changed it up a bit to suit my taste. Yes, collagen is readily available through many powders, premade broths, drinks, shots. However you choose to consume is great. I just realized I could make it for cheap and I loved the taste of mine.

bone broth
The Turning Point

After a while I became acutely in tune with my body. I knew there were other consumptions not working for me but I couldn’t quite figure it all out. Lastly, about a year ago, I took a DNA food profile from 5 Strands. (Not A Paid Advertisement!) This test was the key I needed to successfully change the path of my food journey. There it was in black and white. Actually it’s white, green, orange, and red but there it was. Some things I knew, some were not a surprise and some were a complete surprise! Lots of foods I thought were safe were in fact, really irritating my body. Armed with this knowledge, I can now make better food choices.

So this leads me full circle to why I feel so terrible now. I ate a ton of corn along with a few other things on my red list. This was two weeks ago and my hands still hurt. And there you have it. My food journey is constantly evolving as I dabble in scrumptious meals I shouldn’t but grocery shop like I should. I read labels, and avoid the foods that make me super sick when I can. Changing one’s diet is a lifestyle. It takes time. Also lots of knowledge.

Anyone have issues you suspect is related to food sensitivites/intolerances? I want to hear. Thanks for reading xxooC.

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

All The Matters

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What Really Matters

Oh Hi!! WOW! The last few months have been CRAZY!! I try to keep up with everyone on social media. All of it matters. But let’s be honest, most of what is posted mixed with what is filtered is irrelevant. I am still in the process of reengaging. By reacting to a social media post takes a moment of time and energy. I have decided as I give my time in exchange for money, I don’t want to exert excess energy on things which really do not matter. Regarding all the matters, so many things really do not matter.

So what exactly DOES matter? I ask myself this all the time. Well, my loved ones matter. My “inner circle” so to speak. I suck at engaging anymore. My energy level just hasn’t returned. I’m not sure it ever will. I only have so much energy in one day for so much. Then I am done. That’s it. I’m physically and emotionally DONE.

I often wonder if I am the only one feeling this way or this is just the result of the trauma I’ve been through. Either way, expending energy where I feel is unecessary is daunting. So what to do?

When Saying No is OK

For now, just becoming aware of the difference. Understand it’s okay to say no to some things. It’s perfectly okay to just say I can’t do this now. Whether it be laundry, chores, obligations, life. Of course there are going to be things. Things I MUST do. Those things matter, and have to be factored in. Then, if there isn’t anything of me left, I am getting better saying it’s time to stop. Learning to recognize the point I need to stop is still challenging. Slowly I am learning what truly matters.

These are reflections I have learned through my new meditations. Daily I take a few minutes and ponder the good stuff. It’s been very satifying. Not only am I more grateful, but my meditations have also helped me see what exactly is important. What I want to focus more on in my life. What I don’t want in my life and/or things to cut out. And finally, the things I want more of and to do more of.

Speaking of gratitude, my daughter got this book for me for Christmas. (This is NOT a paid advertisement!!) I’ve started and with the first couple of days it’s really opened up my thoughts and inspirations. Not only is it positive but it leaves me with things to think about. Self discovery is never a bad thing.

Soul Therapy All the matters

Update On The Move

Moving has been an experience in itself. I kind of knew it would be but I had no idea living in a city of this size was such a different way of life. As I mentioned before, I live in the North/Northwest neighborhood of Logan Square. I am about six miles from the lake. Which by the way, I have not visited as a resident yet. Anyway, before moving here I always thought I was somewhat a cultured city girl. Boy was I wrong! I have never felt more country than I now do at times and the strange thing is, I’m okay with it. I am adapting and growing.

The culture in Chicago is amazing. This city is so diverse. I can go a few blocks and be in a completely different neighborhood with a completely different ethnicity and culture. That’s what makes this city so unique. One thing in particular I have noticed is the people are really nice. Nicer than I expected. Of course no one says “hi” on the streets or waves from their cars but I do witness nice acts almost every day. Don’t get me wrong, the news is riddled with the bad stuff. In a city of over 2.7 million residents there’s bound to be crime and bad people. That’s everywhere.

chicago skyline at night
Final Thoughts and Gratitude

For now I am content. Trauma and anxiety are still daily challenges. That hasn’t changed. The one thing I can say though is I am in a better place than I was two years ago and I am grateful for that. Tell me one thing you are grateful for.

Thanks for reading. Love you all xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

New Year’s it’s still ME

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New Year’s Reflection on the Old Me

I’ll say it again, somehow the new year’s brings up all kinds of feelings. New year’s has that way of simultaneously inspiring reflection of the past while planning for the future. And while this is usually a good thing, it can also be traumatizing to some.

First a little background. I grew up in a typical middle income household with both parents. On the surface it looked normal. Scratch a few layers deep and it was horrifyingly not normal. It wasn’t long into my life when I would look at neighborhood friend’s families and see mine was different. Never really being able to put my finger on it but it was there. Like a shining beacon. I was in my early 20’s when I began to realize. My home life taught me to keep my emotions guarded because if I slipped, every thought and word was quickly weaponized and used against me. This made forming relationships difficult in my early adult life.

New Me Version 2.0

I met my husband when we were in our mid-20’s. He also bore scars from his childhood. Together we melded. We worked through them and became a solid foundation for us both. Together we were each other’s refuge. A soothing place of peace because we understood each other. Back then, the new year’s brought happiness and joy. A chance to look forward to what was possible. Now for me that rock and foundation is gone and it’s bringing up all kinds of trauma. Trauma I don’t want to deal with. I want to bury it again and never bring it back out this late in my life. But each day I’m increasingly reminded that as long as I am still here, neglecting my healing isn’t working it’s only hurting.

Once you see personality disorder, it’s impossible to unsee it. I recognized it in my husband. It was all too familiar. Thankfully he was willing to put in the work. He was open to change and saught the help he needed to bring calmness and peace into our lives.

I learned narcacistic behavior early. I used it. Before I knew what I was doing. I think I used it on my own child before I decided the cycle had to be broken. Now, she bears the trauma but hopefully she will some day recover and I’m there for it. I’m there for all of the hard stuff with her. I know I screwed up and I’m not afraid to admit it. My childhood left me severely ill equipped to handle a lot on the parenting front. Hell, there’s a lot I can’t handle about adulting. Because to be honest, no one ever taught me how to be an adult but that’s another article.

The Authentic, Healing Me

So this new year’s has brought up all of my insecurities and trauma. To lessen the pain and begin some healing I’ve made some commitments to myself. Instead of resolutions I’ve made a list of what I want to accomplish this year in my healing. I can count on one hand the people who actually know the real me. I’ve heard we have different versions of ourselves for the different facets of life. Of course there’s a “professional” me, and “private” me although now, my goal is to try to be more authentic in every aspect. I have decided not to try to mold myself to fit any situation again. Only speak my truth and try to truly live.

Simple Goal Setting, It’s ME

To help in achieving this goal, I’ve made a modestly small list of things I want to start doing. Thereby enabling healing, self care, and hopefully begin to let go of some of this pain and trauma I’ve been holding on to. EMDR therapy has taught me how to physically control my anxiety and calm my mind. So the first thing I am committing to this year, is to dedicate at least 3-5 min a day to meditation on happy things. Moments that have happened. I want to live those meditative minutes in gratitude for being able to experience them.

Second, is more activity. I’m not calling it exercise as that is so cliche. Especially when discussing the new year. So I am committing to more walking. That’s it. Pretty easy for now. Lastly is writing. I have felt like I haven’t had time when in all actuality I just got out of the habit. I’ve gotten lazy with the things that bring me joy.

So there it is. Call it my resolutions. I call it my path to healing. Each one has a proven place in my journey. I’ll keep you updated on how it’s going.

What self care/self improvement commitments have you made for 2023? I’d love to hear. Thanks for reading. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Grief in a New Year

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New Year, New Memories

Another holiday season has come. This year will soon be gone and a new year will be here. And just like all the others, 2022 will be a memory. I’ll add it to the memories I’ve made after trauma and loss. Grief in a new year. In this new world I’m forging for myself, I have constant little reminders of loss. I’ve always said we cry for the living. Just recently I was reminded of this.

I was on my way to work, which is where I usually do my talking and crying to those I’ve lost. That’s when the thought reoccurred to me…this was all for ME. Just after Eric left I remember thinking there was no way he would actually leave me. He wouldn’t just abandon me here, alone. Somehow, some way he would communicate. He wasn’t really gone. Now I know that’s part of acceptance and bargaining. It seemed like such a real hope.

Anyway, in that morning crying session, I realized something deep. I am alone. In a bold instant, I knew the crying is for me. I cry for the people I love and aren’t here anymore. I’m crying for MY loss, because I know they are in a better place. Whether they come and visit me, I don’t know. I would like to think so but ultimately I don’t know. I know everyone has different beliefs and faiths regarding death and that’s fine. I’m not here to discuss that. I accept we truly don’t know anything. No matter what one believes the truth is, tears are for the living. An expression of loss. Loss in the lives of those left behind.

my christmas plant grief in a new year

Grief in a New Year

As I was looking through photos from holidays gone by, I kept thinking about the lives gone. I guess because Eric was the first person I’ve lost which I’ve known the longest, I now have a different prospective on life. The question “is this all there is,” kept lingering in my thoughts. I spent 26 years with him. Now there is no more. How profound to realize there are no more photos. There will never be another memory. And as I’ve said before, time just changes and reorders my mind.

In the early days after loss, I remember thinking I would give anything to go back and have just an hour in my old house with my husband, my daughter small again, Lucy on my lap. The feeling was real, I could close my eyes and imagine it, almost touch it. Now as more memories are put between that time and now, the memories are less tangible. That too is loss and makes me sad. I can’t quite get the same feeling or imagine the moment with such preciseness. But as I am learning, this is what time continues to do.

The holidays have a way of bringing many emotions. Joy, peace, sadness, loss, it’s all in there. All wrapped up. Then New Year’s arrives. Then boom. Time changes again and I’m back to face grief in a new year, new circumstances, new memories, and a new time. So to all of you reading this I say to you, take it all in and enjoy the moment. Cry, laugh, scream, or just sit quietly. May you all have a wonderfully blessed 2023. I love you all. xxooC

lucy my cat
eric holding lucy
lucy kissing my nose
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Time. In “quotation marks.”

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“A “Time” for “Home”…

I’ve been increasingly curious about time since my husband left me. I think I was in this “isolated bubble” so to speak. A place where I lived and didn’t observe much around me that didn’t include him. Now I have lived alone. I’ve traveled alone. Something I never really did before. I never wanted to settle down again. Have a place called “home”, because let’s face it, he was everything I ever knew of, that was called a “home.” Now all of that is gone so I have had to put things into different perspectives.

I recently moved. Moved to Chicago, Illinois. I signed a lease. Which was hell for me for anyone who actually knows me. Because I hold an Illinois real estate license and renting is truly “throwing money out the window.” But I needed to plant some kind of “roots.” I accepted a job offer and I needed a place to “stay” for a while. So unfortunately I found a small 600 square foot flat in “the city” which I absolutely adore. If it was a co-op I would definitely buy in, but it isn’t, so I can’t. I signed a lease and I have approximately ten months left before I need to “vacate.”

sunset from my apartment in chicago. time

A time for Planting “Roots?”

Now I’ve never been one to securely “plant roots” unless I was sure I wanted to be there for “a while.” In Kentucky, “before Eric,” I never really lived in one place for more than a year. So I was always ready to “up and move.” Once Eric and I “settled” and we moved to Shelbyville, Ky, it took time before we actually hung stuff on the walls and “made it our own.” We ended up there for 20 years, but that’s another story.

In 2019 when we moved to Normal, Illinois, I was in my house for six months before I hung anything on the walls. The lease here in Chicago is literally for 11 months. It’s a “short term.” I have about ten months left so I consider it a “short stay.” Yet I find myself succumbing to wanting to make this place “a home.” I have no idea where this came from except the fact there has been no “home” for me since Eric left in June of 2020. Nothing felt permanent enough to really call it “home” since then.

“So what is happening” I ask myself? Why am I calling this “home”, and wanting to make it feel “homey?”

The only conclusion I can draw is that I have this instinctual need to now call some place “home.” It has been about two and half years since Eric died. Right then I committed to walk the country to whatever end I wanted. To do whatever “whim” I chose, at that moment. And I did that. But now, I have actually chosen my path, instead of letting the path choose me.

plants in my apartment in chicago. time

“Final Analysis”

I feel like I am on uncharted waters, not knowing where “the wind will take me next.” I am open to whatever presents itself but all of this is new to me. A new time. A new place. Something completely different from what I ever imagined for myself. All I can tell myself is “hold on, the ride is just beginning.”

And so we go. Into what feels like a time distortion. The unfamiliar. “The unknown.” Please comment if you feel any of this too. I want to hear your story!

I love you all. xxooC

On The Road, Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Times Change

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Times Change. Love Doesn’t

Seasons change and so does life. Life goes on even after someone we love dies. The death is a huge loss and an unmistakable marker in the life of the persons that loved them. However time is both forgiving and not. Times change and time changes things. It helps move around and disorder our thought processes but it doesn’t erase what happens. My husband died. Time doesn’t stand still for me. I don’t love him any less. In fact, I think I love him more. But what I’ve realized is, I’ve been running. Running to get as far away as possible from all of the memories. My thinking was, if I ran far enough, the memories couldn’t hurt me anymore. I was wrong. They still hurt. But I changed my circumstances so I didn’t have to dwell in the past.

I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to take the time I need to grieve and heal a bit. Now I’ve come to a place in my life where I’m tired of traveling so much, so often. It’s just not that enjoyable anymore. So I decided to settle down for a moment. I reached out to old colleagues and friends and I ended up right back where I left off. Well, not exactly where I left off but kind of.

lillies in new apartment in chicago. times change

Moving doesn’t mean Moving On

I once had my “dream job.” Those who knew me then, knew I loved my job. It was the best and I excelled in it. Then, I had to leave for future growth. Now I’m back. And I love it. I relocated to a city I love, Chicago. Best of all, I feel totally supported. Both in my professional and personal life. Getting back to a routine is hard. Living a new city is hard. I moved to the city. A big city. I’m learning my way around. I wanted something new and this is the best of both worlds. Stay tuned for more adventure as I explore and get acquainted with my new surroundings.

Thanks for reading. I love you all. xxooC

city of chicago skyline as I drive home. times change
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

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Comfort was a luxury

We’ve all heard this phrase a lot. “Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” Whether it be in the professional world or life coaching. I’ve always taken it as a motivational phrase. Somehow though, after losing a significant other, it has taken on a different meaning to me. I haven’t been comfortable with anything since June of 2020. I used to thrive on change, and actually craved it. Now, not so much. Recently, change gives me anxiety I can’t handle well. And I have a lot of changes going on right now.

Before I could just embrace the change and move through it with a level thinking process. Rationalizing all scenarios and choosing the best path forward. Different things are happening in my mind now. I’m realizing the thinking processes are not the same and I don’t know why other than maybe the trauma has reordered things in my mind.

I also think before the trauma, I had come to a point in my life where I was extremely comfortable, even with the uncomfortable. Comfort was a luxury I didn’t know I had. I’ve been around the sun enough times to level up some experience in situations. A whole lot could be thrown at me at once and I could still be comfortable.

Sudden discomfort

I’ve noticed something new over the past few week. It’s all felt a little strange. Just “off” if you will. What I’m realizing is, I don’t have my sounding board. I lost my cheerleader, my best friend. The person I knew I could count on to talk me down. The one who could put some sense of calm in my life. A sense of order and priority. And even though I have others in my life I can turn to, I’ve lost the security of knowing that safe space was always there. That safe space and security is now gone. Forever.

So once again I am washed in grief and I mourn. Not only for the souls missing in my life, but for what they provided to me. Throw in my generalized anxiety disorder for a real sense of discomfort. I’m also missing my comfort cat Lucy. This tiny animal that provided so much peace. She always seemed to know exactly when I needed her touch and purr. She also provided a safe space.

I’m still learning

I’m learning grief isn’t about just the person lost. Grief is also about mourning what was and what would have been. I mourn for 20+ years with souls. Souls which had become my rock, my security, my sense of home. When I was with them, in that space we all once inhabited, I was lifted up from my darkness. My weaknesses were transformed into strengths. Now I have to learn to be all of this for myself. So far the task has not been so easy.

I’m super uncomfortable in the places I’m going in my life right now, but I’m forging ahead. Hopefully one day I can get comfortable again. I just have to learn how to be all of the things I got from my lost loved ones.

Thanks for reading! xxooC

comfortable with the uncomfortable lucy and me
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Grief Guilt. A Journal Entry

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Grief Guilt Never Really Leaves, Does It?

Grief guilt is a strange thing. Guilt is a stage of the grieving process. It’s also a huge part of complicated grief. Different clinical stages of grief exist also. Just when I think I’m doing better and feeling good about the direction I’m heading, here comes a wave. I get a trigger and I am right back in the grief again. I believe that one is called “recovery grief.” For me, it’s like I know this tragic thing happened. My someone died. I should be sad. But should I be sad forever? Everyone tells me no so what is happening? Grief guilt and recovery guilt is happening. The guilt of feeling good. It never really goes away. It’s always there lurking to lay itself on top of a good feeling or accomplishment.

The Evolution of My Writing

Very few people know I journaled a lot at the beginning of this journey. Journaling saved me and led me to starting this blog. At first I would write the things I wanted to say to him. All of things I wished I could tell him but I couldn’t. Then it evolved into a diary of sorts. A recount of current events. Survivors’ lives moving on in the world. A world he was not no longer a part of. I haven’t written in my journal for some time as my life has taken a curious turn of events I never would have predicted. More on that at a later date but somehow, I’ve journaled less. Especially when I started putting my thoughts here instead.

Just recently after another major life accomplishment, I was guilt stricken again. So to wallow in my guilt even more, I started rereading some of my journal entries. Just to remember him. Just to remind myself this new life of mine is only because he is gone. Though one thing I have begun to learn is just because he is gone does not make my new life any less significant for me. I am still here along with all the people who loved him.

geese swimming on a pond grief guilt

I Don’t Think I’m Alone

Today I wanted to make a journal entry but I thought I would do it here instead of my actual journal. I wanted to do it here, publicly for everyone who if suffering some kind of guilt after losing someone. I am positive I am not alone in what and how I feel. The holidays are coming and they can be a terrible time for those of us dealing with grief. If you are experiencing grief also, know you are not alone. Whether you feel physically or emotionally alone, I’m here to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

In the comments section of this blog or online. Wherever my article is posted. Wherever you just read it. I encourage you to acknowledge your loved one who has passed. Please, speak their name and say something to them. It helps me, it may help you also.

Thank you for reading. I love you all xxooC.

My Journal Entry:

November 3, 2022

Hi Love…As I look through your social media as I have so many times before, now more than ever I’m reminded that your life is over. There will never be more pictures. No more events or moments to mark time passing. Our lives are all moving forward at an unbelievably fast pace. The last time with you seems like such a distant memory. I try to recount moments with you but some are fading. I don’t want them to but my mind isn’t the same.

I’ve been and done so many things we talked about and so many things you would have enjoyed doing yourself. I do them in honor of you. I still miss you just as much as I did the day you left. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I still hear your voice. Softly guiding me and giving me words of encouragement. You will always be in my heart. I will carry you with me as my soul walks alone now. Even though we aren’t together and my life is moving on in different directions, I often stop and think of you. What would you be doing at this exact moment. What would we be doing if you were still here. But you are not. And I must go without you. Just know that wherever you are, I still love you.

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Grief and Life

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Can the two exist together?

“Sometimes life gets in the way.” We’ve all heard that saying before. Somehow, grief and life can not coincide together. Well, for a while they can but what I’m finding is I have to be in one or the other. I still find myself grieving yes, but as time continues to flow I am also living. Am I living the life I wanted? Not yet. I’m still working on it. Trying new things out. Deciding what I want in and out of my life. Who I want in and out of my life.

I am starting to question how much grief can actually remain in life. Grief was my badge. I wore it with pride. There was a lot of pain and trauma endured. With complicated grief, it’s all still in there. I feel it everyday. The person I was is gone. She left when he left. Out of desperate self preservation I have rebuilt someone else. So here I find myself getting back out. I could have chosen a different path. Eternal grief. But that isn’t the direction I wanted to go. The wise old words once spoken to me are finally ringing true. I am tired. I am tired of the pain. Continuing to live in the pain was just to great to endure. So I let some of it go.

Choosing Grief or Life

So what does the future for someone as damaged as me look like? That I don’t have an answer to yet. Again, I’m breaking my own rules. I am doing things I am uncomfortable with. I discovered something recently, the grief had become my comfort. In that though, comfort contained lots of pain and confusion. I’m actually kind of surprised how comforting the pain had become. Especially after losing Lucy, my comfort and emotional support cat.

In an effort to survive the day, I haven’t moved on. Although I have just replaced the things I found comfort in before the trauma. I now have a comfort dog. I have meaningful people in my life. Things are just different this time around. Ultimately, I think this will not be the last time I have to start over and create another version of myself. The next time though, I’ve had some practice and I think I can navigate better. There is a life lesson here somewhere. Somewhere in all this comforting pain and grief along with the uncomforting changes and experiences.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

emotional support dog life and grief
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

My Disordered Life

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Life with PTSD. What it is…

I’ve wanted to talk about my disordered life a little more in depth for a while now but didn’t exactly know where to start. Then, just the other day I suffered a set back. I was a passenger on a road trip. Not a terribly long one, but I decided to catch up on social media posts. In a news account, I discovered a tweet from a father on the day of a school shooting. This man recounted the day his son was shot and died. This alone was not a trigger. As I kept reading though, he described telling his family that his son was gone. This was the trigger.

My EMDR therapy has softened the memory of actually discovering my late husband already deceased. Now what has surfaced instead, is the memory of telling my daughter. Hearing my child crumble in pain knowing there is nothing I can do to ease her pain. Listening to her break apart and absorb what I said. It’s almost indescribable until I was reading it. His description was exactly what I experienced. I felt his distress. In an instant, I was reliving my own trauma.

Suddenly I felt my anxiety rising. I was caught in the flashback of telling my daughter over the phone and lying on the floor crying with her for what seemed to be an eternity. Finally, hanging up the phone knowing she had this huge gaping wound I couldn’t do anything about. Then I realized I wasn’t in that space anymore. But yet I was. What was happening? A flashback. An uncontrollable emotional and physical response to a traumatic event. This is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Management and Finding Support

Now I have my ways of coping with the anxiety. The physical symptoms which spontaneously occur through flashbacks and social situations. Two and half years on, I am just now beginning to make a little progress in managing my involuntary reactions to triggers. It’s been a long road so far. I’m just one of the lucky ones that have found some sort of support. I realize that PTSD never fully goes away. It may change, it may morph into other stressors but never truly disappears.

I wanted to bring awareness to this condition because I never really knew that much about it before. Sure, most of us know others with this condition. I did. Before I could read what the symptoms are but I didn’t truly know what it was like to live with PTSD. Unfortunately now I do. Because everyone is different, the severity and symptoms are completely individualized.

PTSD has many symptoms. I have dealt with a lot of them. Some days I’m more fragile than others. Some weeks I can go days without thinking about or experiencing triggers. Others not so much. But I’m not giving up and I’m not giving in. I tried that and it didn’t work either. If you have someone in your life with PTSD, my suggestion is just to listen. It’s nice to know I have people around me that want to just be there and listen. No judgements, no opinions, no recommendations, just listening or in some cases, just being there.

An Anxiety Disordered Life

In my life before, anxiety was familiar, but for the most part it was under control. There was a time before when it ruled my life but I had moved on, and found ways to work through it. After my event, my anxiety went out of control. At first it was so bad I couldn’t sleep or drive. My diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I learned in therapy that my life had been unexpectedly altered. For that I couldn’t count on the normal routine of anything anymore. Since then, I have come to know a little more normalcy. Which has helped yes, but the anxiety still comes. Usually in an unexpected setting. When I am least prepared.

The Only Way Is Forward

For many with either of these, the way forward is difficult and sometimes seems impossible. Sometimes I still feel that way but the one constant for me is time. Time will continue to move forward even if I don’t. In that fact, I find some consolation and a bit of peace in my disordered life. Time has become the one thing I know I can count on. It will never leave me and it will always be the same, no matter what. For now that is enough.

Thanks for reading! xxooC

a rainbow signals hope in my disordered life
Destinations, On The Road

The Midwest Beach, Indiana Dunes

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Loving the Beach

Hi all. I appreciate every single one of you following my journey. Now I want to share a place that’s quickly becoming a favorite getaway for me. I’ve had the good fortune on multiple occasions now, to visit the Indiana Dunes. This area in North West Indiana boasts a State Park and National Park . It’s the midwest beach. I wrote about scattering some of Eric here a few months ago. Several of you have messaged me and asked about it. So I thought I would feature an article about this wonderful destination spot.

There are many reasons to love this beach. Indiana Dunes National Park has 15,000 acres and 15 miles miles of beach according to the national parks website. This beach sits on Lake Michigan a freshwater lake, so the salt of the oceans’ beaches are not a problem here. It’s closer to the midwestern states than driving south to visit the ocean and there’s plenty of sand and sun during the summer months.

Getting to The Midwest Beach

map from the govenment parks website showing indiana dunes national park

Of course I’m not telling you anything the locals here don’t already know. I’ve visited this gorgeous place since I met my late husband in 1997. But I didn’t really appreciate it until now. Now I’ve had time. Time to go and just sit whenever I want. Time to spend just enjoying it, so I wanted to share it with you.

The sunsets here are amazing. On a clear night, I can even see the Chicago skyline. But besides these highlights, there is so much more this national park has to offer. The park has 50 miles of hiking trails. This midwest beach not only offers “rugged dunes” but also boasts wetlands, prairies, rivers, and forests.

sunset at the midwest beach in northern indiana
view of the midwest beach from central beach

Attractions

Tucked around the park you will also find lots of local eateries. If you are looking for a place to stay while here, there are also plenty of options depending on your budget and stay requirements. The government parks website also has a page to help plan your trip according to what you want to do. Although just sitting and listening to the waves is always my favorite. So if you are looking for a quick getaway without having to drive or fly and spend tons of money, check out the midwest beach in northern Indiana. I guarantee you will love it plus, if you want to get spicy there’s always Chicago within an hours drive.

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Self Love. How I am rebuilding.

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What is Self Love?

“Self love” is not to be taken as vanity. When I say self love, I mean learning to like myself. This means accepting me, my body, the imperfections, the mental states I fluctuate through, the flaws, all of it. In a previous article, I talked a little bit about learning to love myself again. After the trauma of losing my husband, I can honestly say I lost myself. Completely. I became a shell of the person I was.

Finding My Self

At first, everyone kept telling me to be kind to myself. Back then I had no idea what that meant. All I knew then was that I didn’t like myself, the world, and everything around me. I didn’t really care about myself anymore, neither physically or emotionally. Looking back, I think some of these feelings are normal. Especially at the beginning stages of grief. But they are undoubtedly destructive and traumatic.

Finding any acceptance and self love again is a process. One that can be long and complicated regardless of the circumstances which caused the loss. Also, the process can quickly become stalled or derailed for any number of reasons. Sometimes the path forward is very unclear.

As I began to travel and spend more time with myself, I realized I didn’t really know “me” at all anymore. I had to get reacquainted with things I liked doing, foods I liked eating, and so on.

sunflowers on my morning walk rebuilding self love

How I Started Rebuilding Self Love

Below is a list of 10 things I started practicing regularly. Small things I keep coming back to. Even when I’m traveling, I try to be mindful of the small rituals. They also provide stability in my life when the world around me is changing. Each one has helped me on my journey to regain self acceptance and build my self love.

This is how I regained some self love in a few quick steps.

  • Set an early alarm.

    Whatever time I have to get up, I set a separate, earlier alarm.
    This allows me reflection and relaxation time. I can lay there and enjoy a few minutes of the morning before starting my day. Sometimes I get up and look outside. Other times I lay with my eyes closed and focus on what I want to accomplish today. Most times I just use it to enjoy how good the warm bed feels. This sets the tone for the rest of the day.

  • Allow one indulgence every day.

    This can be as simple as a favorite coffee creamer. Try a new scent in the shower. Listen to water falling or birds chirping. Can’t get outside? Here’s my quick search on Amazon Music of nature sounds to try. Stop and enjoy the smell of fresh flowers or essential oils. Pet an animal and feel the soft fur. I Indulge my senses in something that brings me joy at least once a day. The feeling stays with me and instantly puts me in a good mood.

  • Don’t look in the mirror too much.

    Of course I need to be presentable but I don’t linger in the mirror like I did in my younger years. At first, after the trauma event, I didn’t look in the mirror at all. This was me avoiding my self care. Then I looked in the mirror too much, obsessing over what I had neglected. The road to acceptance was somewhere between getting ready, self affirming that I looked ok, then not looking again. Unless it was an occasion glance when I visited a wash room. You’ll be surprised how much your appearance starts to take a back seat to whatever else is going on for the day.

  • Do something that makes you feel good about your body.

    Again, this is involving the senses. I purposefully do one thing, everyday that makes my body feel good. It can be taking a walk (my energy level is still low) lotioning myself (my skin is perpetually dry). At night, whitening my teeth is an occasional “feel good” thing I do after brushing and flossing. Polishing my nails with a clear coat is another big one.

  • Laugh.

    This sounds simple and really it isn’t. Sometimes I don’t feel like laughing. Some days are just too intense. Those are the days I try hard to find something funny. The other day it was reading my daughter’s old school journals from elementary school. I try to laugh at least once a day. Maybe it’s looking through memes on social media. I have my Instagram feed set so I see funny memes and tweets. I often share them with family members when I know they will love them too. A shared laugh is always doubly sweet.

  • Provide service to someone else.

    This one doesn’t have to be difficult unless you make it. It can be as big or as little as you are comfortable with. I have made it a habit to open doors for others. Ask if an elderly person needs help with their groceries in the parking lot. Let someone in when they are trying to merge in traffic. Simply put, make someone else’s day better.

  • Don’t be judgmental.

    If someone else is doing something I don’t like and it’s not directly bothering me, I walk away. The energy wasted on just even thinking negative thoughts is not worth it. That energy can be used in a more positive, productive way that will make me feel better. Just don’t do it.

  • Eat slowly and make proper food choices.

    This is a huge one for me. I struggle with food constantly. My eating habits have changed drastically in the past two years and I tend to eat very unhealthy. So when I haven’t chosen the smartest meal, I chew slowly to enjoy each bite and I leave some on the plate. Simple. It works for me. I also try not to beat myself up about what I’m eating. Tomorrow is another day to do better.

  • Don’t over drink alcohol.

    You knew this was going to be in here somewhere. I tend to drink too much. When I do, it’s not pretty and I end up eating too much also. I start to hate myself. I feel terrible later. Both mentally and physically.
    Now when I think I’ve drank too much, I try to drink a LOT of water before going to sleep. And I mean a lot! But, I wouldn’t have to if I just didn’t drink so much. These are just suggestions and tips. I’m still working on this one.

  • End the day with gratitude.

    When I’m laying in bed at night, just before I close my eyes, I try to reflect on the day. I try to find at least one thing I am grateful for in that day. Maybe it’s seeing friends and family. Sometimes it’s something I’ve experienced. Other times it’s a polite comment someone has payed me which takes me back to 6 and 7. I bought a journal (sponsored) in Florida that helped me document my goals and gratitude daily. If it helps to journal, then definitely do it. I highly recommend it.

It Really Is That Simple

So there you have it. I’ve tried to make it as simple as I can. I wanted to share the things I’ve been practicing. No, I am not a master at any of them. On certain days I find some of these are more difficult than others. I don’t do every one every day. Though again I will say, tomorrow is another day to do better. And as time flows on, I believe they’ve helped me. Finally, building self love is a journey and any progress is still progress. Baby steps.

Good luck and let me know what works for you! Do you have any suggestions for things you use?

Love you all. xxooC