New Year, New Memories

Another holiday season has come. This year will soon be gone and a new year will be here. And just like all the others, 2022 will be a memory. I’ll add it to the memories I’ve made after trauma and loss. Grief in a new year. In this new world I’m forging for myself, I have constant little reminders of loss. I’ve always said we cry for the living. Just recently I was reminded of this.

I was on my way to work, which is where I usually do my talking and crying to those I’ve lost. That’s when the thought reoccurred to me…this was all for ME. Just after Eric left I remember thinking there was no way he would actually leave me. He wouldn’t just abandon me here, alone. Somehow, some way he would communicate. He wasn’t really gone. Now I know that’s part of acceptance and bargaining. It seemed like such a real hope.

Anyway, in that morning crying session, I realized something deep. I am alone. In a bold instant, I knew the crying is for me. I cry for the people I love and aren’t here anymore. I’m crying for MY loss, because I know they are in a better place. Whether they come and visit me, I don’t know. I would like to think so but ultimately I don’t know. I know everyone has different beliefs and faiths regarding death and that’s fine. I’m not here to discuss that. I accept we truly don’t know anything. No matter what one believes the truth is, tears are for the living. An expression of loss. Loss in the lives of those left behind.

Grief in a New Year

As I was looking through photos from holidays gone by, I kept thinking about the lives gone. I guess because Eric was the first person I’ve lost which I’ve known the longest, I now have a different prospective on life. The question “is this all there is,” kept lingering in my thoughts. I spent 26 years with him. Now there is no more. How profound to realize there are no more photos. There will never be another memory. And as I’ve said before, time just changes and reorders my mind.

In the early days after loss, I remember thinking I would give anything to go back and have just an hour in my old house with my husband, my daughter small again, Lucy on my lap. The feeling was real, I could close my eyes and imagine it, almost touch it. Now as more memories are put between that time and now, the memories are less tangible. That too is loss and makes me sad. I can’t quite get the same feeling or imagine the moment with such preciseness. But as I am learning, this is what time continues to do.

The holidays have a way of bringing many emotions. Joy, peace, sadness, loss, it’s all in there. All wrapped up. Then New Year’s arrives. Then boom. Time changes again and I’m back to face grief in a new year, new circumstances, new memories, and a new time. So to all of you reading this I say to you, take it all in and enjoy the moment. Cry, laugh, scream, or just sit quietly. May you all have a wonderfully blessed 2023. I love you all. xxooC