Grief Guilt Never Really Leaves, Does It?
Grief guilt is a strange thing. Guilt is a stage of the grieving process. It’s also a huge part of complicated grief. Different clinical stages of grief exist also. Just when I think I’m doing better and feeling good about the direction I’m heading, here comes a wave. I get a trigger and I am right back in the grief again. I believe that one is called “recovery grief.” For me, it’s like I know this tragic thing happened. My someone died. I should be sad. But should I be sad forever? Everyone tells me no so what is happening? Grief guilt and recovery guilt is happening. The guilt of feeling good. It never really goes away. It’s always there lurking to lay itself on top of a good feeling or accomplishment.
The Evolution of My Writing
Very few people know I journaled a lot at the beginning of this journey. Journaling saved me and led me to starting this blog. At first I would write the things I wanted to say to him. All of things I wished I could tell him but I couldn’t. Then it evolved into a diary of sorts. A recount of current events. Survivors’ lives moving on in the world. A world he was not no longer a part of. I haven’t written in my journal for some time as my life has taken a curious turn of events I never would have predicted. More on that at a later date but somehow, I’ve journaled less. Especially when I started putting my thoughts here instead.
Just recently after another major life accomplishment, I was guilt stricken again. So to wallow in my guilt even more, I started rereading some of my journal entries. Just to remember him. Just to remind myself this new life of mine is only because he is gone. Though one thing I have begun to learn is just because he is gone does not make my new life any less significant for me. I am still here along with all the people who loved him.
I Don’t Think I’m Alone
Today I wanted to make a journal entry but I thought I would do it here instead of my actual journal. I wanted to do it here, publicly for everyone who if suffering some kind of guilt after losing someone. I am positive I am not alone in what and how I feel. The holidays are coming and they can be a terrible time for those of us dealing with grief. If you are experiencing grief also, know you are not alone. Whether you feel physically or emotionally alone, I’m here to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
In the comments section of this blog or online. Wherever my article is posted. Wherever you just read it. I encourage you to acknowledge your loved one who has passed. Please, speak their name and say something to them. It helps me, it may help you also.
Thank you for reading. I love you all xxooC.
My Journal Entry:
November 3, 2022
Hi Love…As I look through your social media as I have so many times before, now more than ever I’m reminded that your life is over. There will never be more pictures. No more events or moments to mark time passing. Our lives are all moving forward at an unbelievably fast pace. The last time with you seems like such a distant memory. I try to recount moments with you but some are fading. I don’t want them to but my mind isn’t the same.
I’ve been and done so many things we talked about and so many things you would have enjoyed doing yourself. I do them in honor of you. I still miss you just as much as I did the day you left. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I still hear your voice. Softly guiding me and giving me words of encouragement. You will always be in my heart. I will carry you with me as my soul walks alone now. Even though we aren’t together and my life is moving on in different directions, I often stop and think of you. What would you be doing at this exact moment. What would we be doing if you were still here. But you are not. And I must go without you. Just know that wherever you are, I still love you.