Tag Archives: #moving

Finding Home Again: Change, Challenges, and New Beginnings

October 24, 2024 The Blue Widow 3 Comments

A Year in a Day

Hi there, it’s me. Wow, where did the year go? I keep asking myself that question frequently these past few weeks. So much has happened in the past few months alone, and knowing where to begin is tough. This is an update and this is my story of finding home again this past year. First off, my writing has taken a back seat to real life for the moment. I’m still working on my companion workbook. I transferred in my job, moved again, back to Chicago, and finally found an apartment I adore. I downsized my life considerably over the summer in prep for this move. All while working on a relationship and trying desperately to shed the remainder of my former life to give this one a fighting chance. Let me explain.

Returning to Kentucky a year ago took a lot of soul-searching but not much planning. I didn’t know for how long or when I would ever leave Kentucky again, so I’ve been in limbo. In the meantime, I wrote and launched my book and started on the companion workbook. It’s essentially written but has been stuck in the final stages for over three months now due to my inability to just sit down and devote some time to it. Apologies to you and myself for that.

Returning to Chicago

Next, the most important event was that I transferred to Macy’s Oakbrook Center, back to Chicagoland for my job. I officially started last month. For housing, I initially booked an extended stay at a hotel, which wasn’t terrible, but I didn’t realize exactly how far away from the city that it was. It’s been challenging. Not only getting to work but finding an apartment. I opted to rent versus buy for a year to get comfortable with being back and not be pressured into buying something I don’t love in a neighborhood I’m not thrilled with.

So, with that, finding home again meant a perfect two-bedroom apartment on the first floor in a lovely neighborhood called Oak Park. The building is old, the updates are sufficient, it’s small, and although it doesn’t quite feel like home yet, it will. (This is not my apartment, just a cool photo in the Macy’s where I work!)

sofa with photos of iconic chicago on the wall in the background finding home again

Balancing Life and Writing

I’ve written several articles that have just been sitting and waiting for revision and publication all the while since I knew I was coming back. Another procrastination I apologize for. The most recent, which I’ll probably get out soon, is about emerging from the widow’s fog. I’ve done that this year, and it’s been an experience I barely found words to describe. I can only liken it to waking up from a dream in which I had little control over what was happening around me, only to realize most of it was real. It’s truly a surreal experience.

During this “awakening,” I realized I needed to downsize my life again to prepare for this two-state move again. The honest truth was, when I looked around, not much from my former life meant anything to me.

Lots of stuff from my past and present life was donated, lots thrown away, given away, and some was just stored. I’m still working through it, but it still amazes me the drive I’ve had to just start a new life with new things and new places and only have around me the small things that bring me joy. It’s been a freeing experience. I highly recommend it.

surfboard with the words "you can't stop the waves but you can learn to surf"

Love and Fear

Now, we come to the much-guarded relationship status. I’ve met someone, or should I say re-met someone. We’ve known each other for years, even decades. When we started exploring this relationship, it was a questionable situation for both of us; however, we decided to give it a shot and see where things went. It’s been anything but easy, though we’ve persevered, and here we are, in Chicago, together, for a second time.

No one knows what the future holds for either of us, and the thought of losing someone that close to me frightens me to my very core. The fact of it all comes down to whether I want to be alone the rest of my life, whatever time I have left, or if I wish to share it with someone every day. I think this is part of my journey in finding home again. This feels like home. For now, we are still working on the day-to-day, just as any new relationship works.

In the end, I still have a lot of challenges before me. Picking up and moving somewhere new is precisely what I needed when I needed it most. If you’ve read half of anything I’ve written, or know me at all, you know I thrive on figuring out difficult circumstances and forging my own path ahead. That is exactly what I am doing. Stay tuned. There’s so much more to come.

Thanks for reading. I love you all! –xxooC

me on the beach finding home again in chicago

Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

Going Backward While Moving Forward

November 6, 2023 The Blue Widow Leave a comment

photo of downtown chicago from wrigley stadium

Is it Forward or Backward?

I know, the title kind of doesn’t make sense but the feeling is real. Many aspects of my life seem to be moving backward while others are moving forward. I will somewhat always live in the past, that is true. But we are all forced to move forward with the passage of time. As I’ve said before, understanding and accepting this isn’t always easy.

Backwards

My move was settled about a month ago. It was anything but smooth. One would think it easier to take everything down three flights of stairs versus up however, that wasn’t the case. Also curiously, and although I tried really hard not to buy a ton of shit, I in fact, had a ton of shit. Stuff I had accumulated in the short time living in my tiny ass (600 sq. ft.) apartment in Chicago. Wow, I’m still scratching my head about that one.

I’m kind of still living out of boxes. Every day it seems I’ve lost something or can’t find something. And then I tear through boxes again thinking I should have labelled everything.

My new job is fun and I love my co-workers. With Christmas coming up, I am working more. Just for now though. Next year will be somewhat different. Due to the reasons I moved back, I don’t really know what next year has in store for me. I’m both anxious and uneasy about the future. I know there will be more tests to my mental health.

Backwards and Forward

A couple of weeks ago I went backward and forward again, simultaneously. I had to put Malice down. She was mine and my late husband’s husky. We adopted her in 2012 when she was three years old. She was a very unique soul. Watching her go was devastating. It was like losing another piece of Eric. I know she is with him. I felt it. I’ll make an article about her soon. I just haven’t gathered the right words yet.

In the mean time, here a few pictures of her. Her remaining years after my first move from Illinois back, were spent in Kentucky with Eric’s dad. She had a good life.

She was fun and smart. In her early years she was an instigator. She was always the cheerleader of bad doings at the dog outings. I always said she wouldn’t start the fight but she was right in the middle cheering it on. Malice pranced when she walked. She had a swagger of a diva. Lover of all things sparkly and anything that made her stand out. Shirts, sweaters, collars, bandanas, she loved to dress up. Oh and she sang. She had her favorite songs and if you’ve heard her then you know. I will miss her.

Forward

One final thing I wanted to share. I’m putting this out there for my own personal accountability. I am starting my own online publishing business. The business should be up and running in a few months. I’m heavily invested in this in all aspects. I’ve become so passionate about it and love it already. I’ll probably be posting less as I’m still learning the process, and writing of course.

Thanks for reading. I love you all –xxooC

Have you had a time where you felt you were moving both backwards and forward simultaneously?

On The Road, Thoughts and Notes

More Change

September 9, 2023 The Blue Widow 3 Comments

Moving, moving, moving

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Thinking on how much life has changed and continues to change since my husband left. But change can be good right? Once I believed with every ending was a new beginning. Although nowadays, I’m finding that harder and harder to be true. In grief, sometimes endings are just that…endings. Where I am now is not a beginning. But a place I am all too familiar with. A place I left for a reason. So with more change, what happens now?

Maybe my purpose here isn’t finished. At least that’s what I am telling myself today. Maybe, just maybe this is a healing place. When the universe sees I’ve had enough. It sends me back here to reflect and heal. A physical “safe space” so to speak. I’ve never really had that before. I mean, sure with my husband I felt safe and secure. But I was never alone. Nor was I ever experiencing complicated grief. Not the way I am now. Psychiatry.org has some great reference material on grief disorders. Just click if you are interested in learning more.

Back Where I Started

So in that, here’s a quick update. I’ve left Chicago. Chicago will always hold a dear place in my heart and Illinois will always feel like home. I went there and did what I wanted. Something I had always dreamed of. I built a life on my own, for me. I’m leaving proud of what I accomplished and proud of myself.

But my time is over for now. I’m drawn back to Kentucky again. I will make the best of this moment and bask in familiar surroundings until the universe decides I belong somewhere else.

Also I have decided to restart therapy. EMDR (Eye Movement and Desensitization Reprocessing) helped in the beginning. I’m not sure I need that again. While I’m here though, I think I’ll dive into some grief therapy. I’ll let you know how that goes. It’s always been hit or miss but I’m hoping for the best.

If you’re still reading me by now and want to catch up, drop me a message and let’s connect. I look forward to seeing some familiar faces. Love you all and thanks for reading. –xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

All The Matters

January 25, 2023 The Blue Widow 13 Comments

What Really Matters

Oh Hi!! WOW! The last few months have been CRAZY!! I try to keep up with everyone on social media. All of it matters. But let’s be honest, most of what is posted mixed with what is filtered is irrelevant. I am still in the process of reengaging. By reacting to a social media post takes a moment of time and energy. I have decided as I give my time in exchange for money, I don’t want to exert excess energy on things which really do not matter. Regarding all the matters, so many things really do not matter.

So what exactly DOES matter? I ask myself this all the time. Well, my loved ones matter. My “inner circle” so to speak. I suck at engaging anymore. My energy level just hasn’t returned. I’m not sure it ever will. I only have so much energy in one day for so much. Then I am done. That’s it. I’m physically and emotionally DONE.

I often wonder if I am the only one feeling this way or this is just the result of the trauma I’ve been through. Either way, expending energy where I feel is unecessary is daunting. So what to do?

When Saying No is OK

For now, just becoming aware of the difference. Understand it’s okay to say no to some things. It’s perfectly okay to just say I can’t do this now. Whether it be laundry, chores, obligations, life. Of course there are going to be things. Things I MUST do. Those things matter, and have to be factored in. Then, if there isn’t anything of me left, I am getting better saying it’s time to stop. Learning to recognize the point I need to stop is still challenging. Slowly I am learning what truly matters.

These are reflections I have learned through my new meditations. Daily I take a few minutes and ponder the good stuff. It’s been very satifying. Not only am I more grateful, but my meditations have also helped me see what exactly is important. What I want to focus more on in my life. What I don’t want in my life and/or things to cut out. And finally, the things I want more of and to do more of.

Speaking of gratitude, my daughter got this book for me for Christmas. (This is NOT a paid advertisement!!) I’ve started and with the first couple of days it’s really opened up my thoughts and inspirations. Not only is it positive but it leaves me with things to think about. Self discovery is never a bad thing.

Update On The Move

Moving has been an experience in itself. I kind of knew it would be but I had no idea living in a city of this size was such a different way of life. As I mentioned before, I live in the North/Northwest neighborhood of Logan Square. I am about six miles from the lake. Which by the way, I have not visited as a resident yet. Anyway, before moving here I always thought I was somewhat a cultured city girl. Boy was I wrong! I have never felt more country than I now do at times and the strange thing is, I’m okay with it. I am adapting and growing.

The culture in Chicago is amazing. This city is so diverse. I can go a few blocks and be in a completely different neighborhood with a completely different ethnicity and culture. That’s what makes this city so unique. One thing in particular I have noticed is the people are really nice. Nicer than I expected. Of course no one says “hi” on the streets or waves from their cars but I do witness nice acts almost every day. Don’t get me wrong, the news is riddled with the bad stuff. In a city of over 2.7 million residents there’s bound to be crime and bad people. That’s everywhere.

Final Thoughts and Gratitude

For now I am content. Trauma and anxiety are still daily challenges. That hasn’t changed. The one thing I can say though is I am in a better place than I was two years ago and I am grateful for that. Tell me one thing you are grateful for.

Thanks for reading. Love you all xxooC

On The Road, Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Times Change

November 22, 2022 The Blue Widow 2 Comments

Times Change. Love Doesn’t

Seasons change and so does life. Life goes on even after someone we love dies. The death is a huge loss and an unmistakable marker in the life of the persons that loved them. However time is both forgiving and not. Times change and time changes things. It helps move around and disorder our thought processes but it doesn’t erase what happens. My husband died. Time doesn’t stand still for me. I don’t love him any less. In fact, I think I love him more. But what I’ve realized is, I’ve been running. Running to get as far away as possible from all of the memories. My thinking was, if I ran far enough, the memories couldn’t hurt me anymore. I was wrong. They still hurt. But I changed my circumstances so I didn’t have to dwell in the past.

I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to take the time I need to grieve and heal a bit. Now I’ve come to a place in my life where I’m tired of traveling so much, so often. It’s just not that enjoyable anymore. So I decided to settle down for a moment. I reached out to old colleagues and friends and I ended up right back where I left off. Well, not exactly where I left off but kind of.

lillies in new apartment in chicago. times change

Moving doesn’t mean Moving On

I once had my “dream job.” Those who knew me then, knew I loved my job. It was the best and I excelled in it. Then, I had to leave for future growth. Now I’m back. And I love it. I relocated to a city I love, Chicago. Best of all, I feel totally supported. Both in my professional and personal life. Getting back to a routine is hard. Living a new city is hard. I moved to the city. A big city. I’m learning my way around. I wanted something new and this is the best of both worlds. Stay tuned for more adventure as I explore and get acquainted with my new surroundings.

Thanks for reading. I love you all. xxooC

city of chicago skyline as I drive home. times change

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Living With Less. The Stuff That Matters

August 27, 2022 The Blue Widow 7 Comments

Starting With Less

I bought my first home when I was 26 years old. I felt like I was on top of the world. It was a two bedroom condominium in Old Louisville. Two stories with a total of five rooms. Nothing extravagant but it was mine and it was nice. I started out living with less stuff, but quickly started to accumulate things.

I had that place for about a year before moving to my next home in Shelbyville, Kentucky where I lived for 21 years. That house was a modest three bedroom, two bath and about 1400 square feet. Then it was all about the stuff. The stuff we unknowingly put away and store and before I knew it, stuff was everywhere. To the point it was clutter. And clutter was everywhere but still I wanted more.

Living With More

I have nice things. I’ve had nice things. Vehicles usually were used when I purchased them but I’ve had my shot at buying off the showroom floor. That was an experience. Before my husband died, I recognized the struggle in me to want more. Of course I was humble for what I had, or so I thought. But in the back of my mind, I always wanted more. I knew it was time to clean out, but living with less was not a consideration at this point in my life. I wanted better. More money, more stuff, something nicer, better quality, there was always something material I wanted. I discovered this about myself.

Long before he died, Eric made the comment “If anything ever happened to you, I would just walk out of this house, leave everything and never look back.” That has stuck with me. It echoed in my head when I sat in my huge new house in Normal, Illinois all alone. The move to Normal was for a job opportunity. Then we were making more money than we ever had in our lives. We often joked that we kinda felt like we had “made it” and were on our way to a better life, whatever that meant.

living with less moving from kentucky to illinois. packed up belongings sitting in my living room

Learning to Live With Less

So there I sat. With nothing but things left around me. Everything that really mattered about my life in Illinois was gone. Nothing mattered anymore except getting back to my family. So I did. The things meant nothing. They were a representative of a life I didn’t have and I didn’t want the reminder. I sold or gave away a lot. I still have a lot that needs to go.

Then I started traveling. I was already living with less but after my first few trips I quickly learned what I needed to take care of myself. I tried to travel even lighter. As most women know, overpacking is a thing. I always had the philosophy of “you can never pack too many clothes or shoes!” I always took the biggest suitcase and it looked like it was ready to pop a zipper, always. That was me. I was that girl.

Shedding things has made me less stressed. Then I started to look for ways to cut down on the beauty items. I’m still working on that. When I get there I’ll let you know but the point is, I’m down to a small duffle bag and that includes everything including my hair styling tools. I don’t need much these days and I’m always looking for ways to reduce what I carry with me.

the back of my truck all packed up for another adventure

Some Things I Kept

What I did find however, is that I need some sense of “home” with me. I have started collecting jewelry. It’s my treat. Instead of new curtains or a picture for my home, I add something I adore that I can wear. Usually a bracelet. On my right arm. So I can see my accomplishments and reminisce about my travels.

I never thought I’d be where I am. I am thankful for what loss has taught me. Things don’t matter. Let me say that again…Things don’t matter. Things are to enjoy but they definitely don’t bring happiness. Oh how cliché that sounds but it’s so true. I just had to learn the hard way.

I think I was comfortable. My existence wasn’t challenged until it was. Now I know what I need to survive and still be comfortable, although comfort is a luxury. I’ve been uncomfortable but now, just a place to sleep and good food are truly appreciated. I guess what I’m trying to say is until my whole way of life changed, I wasn’t as humble as I thought I was. I’m passing on my lesson learned. Thanks for reading. xxooC

living with less the collection of bracelets and charms on my right wrist

Thoughts on living with less? Have you decluttered recently? I’d love to hear from you!

Blue Widow Chronicles

Tag Archives: #moving

Finding Home Again: Change, Challenges, and New Beginnings