New Year’s Reflection on the Old Me

I’ll say it again, somehow the new year’s brings up all kinds of feelings. New year’s has that way of simultaneously inspiring reflection of the past while planning for the future. And while this is usually a good thing, it can also be traumatizing to some.

First a little background. I grew up in a typical middle income household with both parents. On the surface it looked normal. Scratch a few layers deep and it was horrifyingly not normal. It wasn’t long into my life when I would look at neighborhood friend’s families and see mine was different. Never really being able to put my finger on it but it was there. Like a shining beacon. I was in my early 20’s when I began to realize. My home life taught me to keep my emotions guarded because if I slipped, every thought and word was quickly weaponized and used against me. This made forming relationships difficult in my early adult life.

New Me Version 2.0

I met my husband when we were in our mid-20’s. He also bore scars from his childhood. Together we melded. We worked through them and became a solid foundation for us both. Together we were each other’s refuge. A soothing place of peace because we understood each other. Back then, the new year’s brought happiness and joy. A chance to look forward to what was possible. Now for me that rock and foundation is gone and it’s bringing up all kinds of trauma. Trauma I don’t want to deal with. I want to bury it again and never bring it back out this late in my life. But each day I’m increasingly reminded that as long as I am still here, neglecting my healing isn’t working it’s only hurting.

Once you see personality disorder, it’s impossible to unsee it. I recognized it in my husband. It was all too familiar. Thankfully he was willing to put in the work. He was open to change and saught the help he needed to bring calmness and peace into our lives.

I learned narcacistic behavior early. I used it. Before I knew what I was doing. I think I used it on my own child before I decided the cycle had to be broken. Now, she bears the trauma but hopefully she will some day recover and I’m there for it. I’m there for all of the hard stuff with her. I know I screwed up and I’m not afraid to admit it. My childhood left me severely ill equipped to handle a lot on the parenting front. Hell, there’s a lot I can’t handle about adulting. Because to be honest, no one ever taught me how to be an adult but that’s another article.

The Authentic, Healing Me

So this new year’s has brought up all of my insecurities and trauma. To lessen the pain and begin some healing I’ve made some commitments to myself. Instead of resolutions I’ve made a list of what I want to accomplish this year in my healing. I can count on one hand the people who actually know the real me. I’ve heard we have different versions of ourselves for the different facets of life. Of course there’s a “professional” me, and “private” me although now, my goal is to try to be more authentic in every aspect. I have decided not to try to mold myself to fit any situation again. Only speak my truth and try to truly live.

Simple Goal Setting, It’s ME

To help in achieving this goal, I’ve made a modestly small list of things I want to start doing. Thereby enabling healing, self care, and hopefully begin to let go of some of this pain and trauma I’ve been holding on to. EMDR therapy has taught me how to physically control my anxiety and calm my mind. So the first thing I am committing to this year, is to dedicate at least 3-5 min a day to meditation on happy things. Moments that have happened. I want to live those meditative minutes in gratitude for being able to experience them.

Second, is more activity. I’m not calling it exercise as that is so cliche. Especially when discussing the new year. So I am committing to more walking. That’s it. Pretty easy for now. Lastly is writing. I have felt like I haven’t had time when in all actuality I just got out of the habit. I’ve gotten lazy with the things that bring me joy.

So there it is. Call it my resolutions. I call it my path to healing. Each one has a proven place in my journey. I’ll keep you updated on how it’s going.

What self care/self improvement commitments have you made for 2023? I’d love to hear. Thanks for reading. xxooC