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Thoughts and Notes

Setting Healthy Boundaries: Tips for Maintaining Good Health

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The Importance of Setting Healthy Boundaries

Hello all, my days have been busy, to say the least. Between work and house chores, my publishing business takes up any free time I have left. Whereas, I’m in the process of writing a non-fiction manuscript about identifying and healing from toxic relationships with a focus on intergenerational trauma. It will cover how to spot a narcissist, what traits to look for, what effects these relationships have on us, and most importantly, how to heal. I’ll reveal more about this as I get closer to publishing, but for now, I want to talk about something closely related. It’s something near and dear to my heart: how to set healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are essential to maintaining good mental and emotional health. Boundaries are the guidelines you establish for yourself and others on what is acceptable and what is not. While they help you communicate your needs and values, they also protect you from being overwhelmed and taken advantage of by others. Whereas I struggle with setting boundaries and often allow those closest to me to go beyond what I am comfortable with in their actions and words.

Identify Your Boundaries

Here, are some tips I’m working on to create healthy boundaries in my life. Certainly, I felt I was not the only one struggling, so let’s get to it. The first is to Identify Your Boundaries. Specifically take a moment to reflect on your values, needs, and preferences. What are the things that make you uncomfortable or stressed? What are the things that you value the most in your life? Knowing your boundaries will help you communicate them better to others.

Communicating Your Boundaries to Others

Once you’ve identified what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable, the next step is Communicating Your Boundaries to others. Be clear and assertive about what you need and want. Don’t be afraid to say no or to ask for what you need.

Enforcing Your Boundaries

The third step is the hardest for me. It is Being Consistent with enforcing your boundaries. Consistency is essential when it comes to setting healthy boundaries. Stick to your boundaries, even if it initially feels uncomfortable or difficult. Over time, others will respect your boundaries and adjust their behavior accordingly.

Fourth, and I mention this often in my writing, Practice Self Care. Taking care of yourself is essential for maintaining healthy boundaries. Make sure to prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. Take breaks when necessary, practice relaxation techniques, and seek support when necessary.

Final Thoughts

Lastly, when I was researching this article, a final step was mentioned. The fifth step was to be flexible. I can’t entirely agree with this. However, I suggest never compromising on who you are and the boundaries you set, no matter who gets upset or demanding. Your boundaries are yours to keep you safe. There is no room for negotiation, ever.

My final words to you are this: setting and enforcing healthy boundaries can be challenging; however, it’s essential for maintaining good mental and emotional health. I wish I had discovered earlier in life, but hey, it’s never too late to start something new that can tremendously benefit your well-being. By identifying your boundaries, communicating them clearly, and practicing self-care, you can establish healthy relationships and live a more fulfilling life.

If you would like more info on this subject, click here to go to PositivePsychology.com. You will find an in-depth article relating this subject to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Thanks for reading. I love you all –xxooC

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Beat the Blues During The Holiday Season:

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5 Simple Self-Care Practices for The Holiday Season

The holiday season can be a challenging time for many people. I have never been a big fan of Christmas. Due to the pressure of buying gifts, the stress of traveling, attending family gatherings, and the expectation to feel happy and joyful. The shorter days, colder weather, and lack of sunlight can lead to negative emotions and depression. Being employed in a job that revolves around the holiday season can also add to the stress. It is essential to acknowledge that these feelings are normal and valid, and it is possible to cope and receive support. In this article, you’ll find five simple things you can do to manage your mental health better during the holidays, which can have a significant impact on your mood.

1. Meditation

One way to manage your mental health during the holiday season is to incorporate meditation into your daily routine. While I was in EMDR therapy, my therapist asked me to think of a place that made me feel calm and safe. (Read more about my journey here.) She asked for a place I had recently visited and could vividly picture in my head. After focusing on this place for just a few short minutes, I could calm my breathing and whole body.

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Take a few minutes each day to sit quietly and focus on just your breath or something relaxing. This simple technique can significantly impact your mood and overall well-being. Meditation can help reduce stress and provide many other beneficial features. There are many different types of meditation, so it’s important to find one that works best for you. A few types of are guided meditation, mantra meditation, and mindfulness meditation. Click on any link to read more about each. Meditation can be powerful for improving your mental health and finding peace during the hectic holiday season.

2. Keep a Gratitude Journal

Start a gratitude journal during the holidays. Acknowledging what you’re grateful for can be another easy way to improve your mental health and overall well-being. I have a couple of ways to incorporate gratitude into my stressful days. One is with a small gratitude book with prompts. I also use meditation to focus on the people, things, and experiences I have had, which make my life more joyful.

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Reflecting on what you are grateful for can help you shift your focus from anxious thoughts and feelings to positive, relaxing ones. It’s easy to get caught up in the stress and chaos of shopping, cooking, and entertaining. Taking the time to appreciate the small things in life can make a big difference. Your gratitude journal can be as simple as a notebook where you write down three daily things you are thankful for. Whether it’s a warm cup of tea, a hug from a loved one, or watching a sunset, focusing on the good in your life can help you feel more content and at peace.

3. Make Time for Yourself

The holiday season is often filled with activities and social obligations that can be overwhelming and exhausting. Just after my daughter was born, I had multiple family gatherings to attend and gifts to buy. I felt a lot of stress and anxiety about attending everything and also preparing a modest Christmas morning celebration for my family. And did I mention I had a newborn? Making time for yourself during the holidays can also help to maintain good mental health and well-being.

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It’s important to remember to give yourself permission to take a break and prioritize your own needs. A relaxing bath, reading a book, or walking can help you recharge and feel more centered. By taking care of yourself, you’ll be better equipped to handle the demands of the holiday season. You will also enjoy the time spent with loved ones. If you find this one difficult, ask a loved one for support. Remember, self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary.

4. Just Say No

As I’ve said, the holiday season can come with a lot of pressure to attend events, buy gifts, and participate in various activities. However, it’s also important to remember saying no is okay. As my daughter got a little older, I eventually just had to say no to some obligations. It all became too much for her and me. You don’t have to attend every party or buy expensive gifts to show your love and appreciation for others. It’s essential to prioritize yourself, and sometimes that means saying no to certain obligations. Saying no can be empowering and liberating, allowing you to focus on what truly matters. Enjoy the holiday season in a way that feels fun and fulfilling to you. Remember, you are in charge of your own boundaries, and it’s okay to set them.

5. Adjust Your Expectations

Lastly, adjusting our expectations is sometimes necessary to avoid disappointment and stress during the holidays. Getting caught up in the idea of having the perfect holiday with perfect gifts, decorations, and experiences is easy. One year, I went into a full-blown panic attack on Christmas Eve after I put everything under the tree. Did I get enough? Will she be happy with what I got her? It was too late to do anything about it now. All these thoughts led me to not enjoy just being with my family on Christmas Eve.

Striving for perfection can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction. Instead, try to focus on creating meaningful memories and experiences with loved ones. This can be done through simple traditions or quality time spent together. Adjusting your expectations can help you enjoy the holiday season more fully and reduce stress and anxiety. Remember, the holiday season is about being present and appreciating the people in your life, not about perfection.

Remember, the holiday season should be fun and bring you joy. I hope these tips help make everyone’s holidays do just that. Enjoy! Thanks for reading. –xxooC

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Self Love. How I am rebuilding.

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What is Self Love?

“Self love” is not to be taken as vanity. When I say self love, I mean learning to like myself. This means accepting me, my body, the imperfections, the mental states I fluctuate through, the flaws, all of it. In a previous article, I talked a little bit about learning to love myself again. After the trauma of losing my husband, I can honestly say I lost myself. Completely. I became a shell of the person I was.

Finding My Self

At first, everyone kept telling me to be kind to myself. Back then I had no idea what that meant. All I knew then was that I didn’t like myself, the world, and everything around me. I didn’t really care about myself anymore, neither physically or emotionally. Looking back, I think some of these feelings are normal. Especially at the beginning stages of grief. But they are undoubtedly destructive and traumatic.

Finding any acceptance and self love again is a process. One that can be long and complicated regardless of the circumstances which caused the loss. Also, the process can quickly become stalled or derailed for any number of reasons. Sometimes the path forward is very unclear.

As I began to travel and spend more time with myself, I realized I didn’t really know “me” at all anymore. I had to get reacquainted with things I liked doing, foods I liked eating, and so on.

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How I Started Rebuilding Self Love

Below is a list of 10 things I started practicing regularly. Small things I keep coming back to. Even when I’m traveling, I try to be mindful of the small rituals. They also provide stability in my life when the world around me is changing. Each one has helped me on my journey to regain self acceptance and build my self love.

This is how I regained some self love in a few quick steps.

  • Set an early alarm.

    Whatever time I have to get up, I set a separate, earlier alarm.
    This allows me reflection and relaxation time. I can lay there and enjoy a few minutes of the morning before starting my day. Sometimes I get up and look outside. Other times I lay with my eyes closed and focus on what I want to accomplish today. Most times I just use it to enjoy how good the warm bed feels. This sets the tone for the rest of the day.

  • Allow one indulgence every day.

    This can be as simple as a favorite coffee creamer. Try a new scent in the shower. Listen to water falling or birds chirping. Can’t get outside? Here’s my quick search on Amazon Music of nature sounds to try. Stop and enjoy the smell of fresh flowers or essential oils. Pet an animal and feel the soft fur. I Indulge my senses in something that brings me joy at least once a day. The feeling stays with me and instantly puts me in a good mood.

  • Don’t look in the mirror too much.

    Of course I need to be presentable but I don’t linger in the mirror like I did in my younger years. At first, after the trauma event, I didn’t look in the mirror at all. This was me avoiding my self care. Then I looked in the mirror too much, obsessing over what I had neglected. The road to acceptance was somewhere between getting ready, self affirming that I looked ok, then not looking again. Unless it was an occasion glance when I visited a wash room. You’ll be surprised how much your appearance starts to take a back seat to whatever else is going on for the day.

  • Do something that makes you feel good about your body.

    Again, this is involving the senses. I purposefully do one thing, everyday that makes my body feel good. It can be taking a walk (my energy level is still low) lotioning myself (my skin is perpetually dry). At night, whitening my teeth is an occasional “feel good” thing I do after brushing and flossing. Polishing my nails with a clear coat is another big one.

  • Laugh.

    This sounds simple and really it isn’t. Sometimes I don’t feel like laughing. Some days are just too intense. Those are the days I try hard to find something funny. The other day it was reading my daughter’s old school journals from elementary school. I try to laugh at least once a day. Maybe it’s looking through memes on social media. I have my Instagram feed set so I see funny memes and tweets. I often share them with family members when I know they will love them too. A shared laugh is always doubly sweet.

  • Provide service to someone else.

    This one doesn’t have to be difficult unless you make it. It can be as big or as little as you are comfortable with. I have made it a habit to open doors for others. Ask if an elderly person needs help with their groceries in the parking lot. Let someone in when they are trying to merge in traffic. Simply put, make someone else’s day better.

  • Don’t be judgmental.

    If someone else is doing something I don’t like and it’s not directly bothering me, I walk away. The energy wasted on just even thinking negative thoughts is not worth it. That energy can be used in a more positive, productive way that will make me feel better. Just don’t do it.

  • Eat slowly and make proper food choices.

    This is a huge one for me. I struggle with food constantly. My eating habits have changed drastically in the past two years and I tend to eat very unhealthy. So when I haven’t chosen the smartest meal, I chew slowly to enjoy each bite and I leave some on the plate. Simple. It works for me. I also try not to beat myself up about what I’m eating. Tomorrow is another day to do better.

  • Don’t over drink alcohol.

    You knew this was going to be in here somewhere. I tend to drink too much. When I do, it’s not pretty and I end up eating too much also. I start to hate myself. I feel terrible later. Both mentally and physically.
    Now when I think I’ve drank too much, I try to drink a LOT of water before going to sleep. And I mean a lot! But, I wouldn’t have to if I just didn’t drink so much. These are just suggestions and tips. I’m still working on this one.

  • End the day with gratitude.

    When I’m laying in bed at night, just before I close my eyes, I try to reflect on the day. I try to find at least one thing I am grateful for in that day. Maybe it’s seeing friends and family. Sometimes it’s something I’ve experienced. Other times it’s a polite comment someone has payed me which takes me back to 6 and 7. I bought a journal (sponsored) in Florida that helped me document my goals and gratitude daily. If it helps to journal, then definitely do it. I highly recommend it.

It Really Is That Simple

So there you have it. I’ve tried to make it as simple as I can. I wanted to share the things I’ve been practicing. No, I am not a master at any of them. On certain days I find some of these are more difficult than others. I don’t do every one every day. Though again I will say, tomorrow is another day to do better. And as time flows on, I believe they’ve helped me. Finally, building self love is a journey and any progress is still progress. Baby steps.

Good luck and let me know what works for you! Do you have any suggestions for things you use?

Love you all. xxooC