Comfort was a luxury

We’ve all heard this phrase a lot. “Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” Whether it be in the professional world or life coaching. I’ve always taken it as a motivational phrase. Somehow though, after losing a significant other, it has taken on a different meaning to me. I haven’t been comfortable with anything since June of 2020. I used to thrive on change, and actually craved it. Now, not so much. Recently, change gives me anxiety I can’t handle well. And I have a lot of changes going on right now.

Before I could just embrace the change and move through it with a level thinking process. Rationalizing all scenarios and choosing the best path forward. Different things are happening in my mind now. I’m realizing the thinking processes are not the same and I don’t know why other than maybe the trauma has reordered things in my mind.

I also think before the trauma, I had come to a point in my life where I was extremely comfortable, even with the uncomfortable. Comfort was a luxury I didn’t know I had. I’ve been around the sun enough times to level up some experience in situations. A whole lot could be thrown at me at once and I could still be comfortable.

Sudden discomfort

I’ve noticed something new over the past few week. It’s all felt a little strange. Just “off” if you will. What I’m realizing is, I don’t have my sounding board. I lost my cheerleader, my best friend. The person I knew I could count on to talk me down. The one who could put some sense of calm in my life. A sense of order and priority. And even though I have others in my life I can turn to, I’ve lost the security of knowing that safe space was always there. That safe space and security is now gone. Forever.

So once again I am washed in grief and I mourn. Not only for the souls missing in my life, but for what they provided to me. Throw in my generalized anxiety disorder for a real sense of discomfort. I’m also missing my comfort cat Lucy. This tiny animal that provided so much peace. She always seemed to know exactly when I needed her touch and purr. She also provided a safe space.

I’m still learning

I’m learning grief isn’t about just the person lost. Grief is also about mourning what was and what would have been. I mourn for 20+ years with souls. Souls which had become my rock, my security, my sense of home. When I was with them, in that space we all once inhabited, I was lifted up from my darkness. My weaknesses were transformed into strengths. Now I have to learn to be all of this for myself. So far the task has not been so easy.

I’m super uncomfortable in the places I’m going in my life right now, but I’m forging ahead. Hopefully one day I can get comfortable again. I just have to learn how to be all of the things I got from my lost loved ones.

Thanks for reading! xxooC