Tag Archives: #widow

A Moment with Another Widow

March 16, 2023 The Blue Widow 1 Comment

Not like the Others

I had a moment today. Something insanely karmic happened. I knew it when I was experiencing the moment that it was something uniquely special and there was a lesson here for me. Here in this moment. In this person I had just met and was talking with. I’ve had these random, extraordinary moments a few times since my late husband’s passing. I’ve been open to everything and these moments are hard to miss. The universe puts individuals in my path just long enough for a discussion. I believe it’s to teach me something.

Today was a important day at work. I had a big corporate visit from the ready to wear department heads. They were travelling from New York. We also have a huge sale starting. I’ve been preparing for all of this for over a week. Then, just before everyone was to walk in the door, they were late already, I met a customer on the handbag sales floor.

There was nothing particularly striking about this woman. She was older, and alone. She was standing still just looking around in the sale area. I greeted her with a smile and a welcome, as I do every customer I come in contact with. She proceeds to tell me what she was looking for and we spotted her favorite handbag together. This was nothing out of the ordinary for my job.

Sharing in The Moment

Then something happened. It’s happened before but not this way. Usually it’s me all emotional and I break down. I’m the one that starts talking about my loss. This time it was her. She lost her husband in December. He became ill. I’m not going to talk about her story because her story belongs to her. It’s not mine to share. But her outpouring of feelings and emotions I quickly connected with. She instantly reminded me of the three times I was her. Twice in Sanibel, Florida and once in Venice, Florida. The only difference was, I was the one who layed bare my soul upon defensless strangers. Only to find out they were in fact widows themselves.

The moment just happens. We told our stories. She went first. She endured more loss than just her husband but there were moments we teared up. Together. I could see her. Really see her in her eyes. She shared her loneliness. The loss we felt together. We shared the confusion, the emptiness, the feeling of what’s left over when the closest person you know dies. There, just before my “big” important visit, I became an emotional wreck. Very much on the verge of a break down. Right there in the middle of the handbag department of Macy’s.

Our interaction lasted for what seemed like an eternity. Although I knew I was pressed on time. I wanted to stay there, in that moment just a little bit longer. It was so familiar. But somehow this time it wasn’t as disorienting. More it was grounding, comforting. In that moment I felt this deep connection. Not just to her but to what we shared. What I had gone through to get where I am today.

And Then It’s Over

I’ve written about these moments before. This time, I believe the difference is, she is in the early stages of grief and I no longer am. Even though I’m approaching the three year mark, I’m still grieving. That alone is a hard realization. I also realized that although she is grieving, her grief is different than mine. I have traumatic grief. This is a type of grief that comes from sudden loss and is different than just mourning. I think that was one of my lessons here.

Then just like that, I had to go. My colleague took over. I walked away to greet my visitors. The visit went well. I wasn’t nervous at all. A calmness has stayed with me throughout the rest of today. She reminded me of why I travelled. This woman whom I never asked a name. She touched the very trauma inside me I’ve been trying to bury. Today I was reminded I am a survivor.

To all my readers that wonder if you are alone in your grief. I promise you that you are not.

Thanks for reading. -xxooC

my shadow of me standing on the beach alone a moment with a widow

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Cat Tales or is it Tails?

March 12, 2023 The Blue Widow 2 Comments

Felines on my Mind

It’s snowing here in my little slice of Chicago. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. My last dream was about Lucy. I’ve been playing with the idea of getting another cat for a while but somehow I can’t commit. I guess I feel like it’s just not the right time. With cats, it’s been my experience, that when you know, you know. Cats seem to adopt their caretakers. Not the other way around. This had me wanting to share some cat tales.

Anyway, I had this on my mind this morning. After I got over the sadness of holding Lucy in my dream, I was quickly chuckling over memories of my late husband. He didn’t really like cats much when we first met. In fact, he kind of hated them. So I got one for our daughter. Then one became two and well, you know how that goes. We quickly had a furry family.

The Kitty Whisperer and a Cat Tale

Over the years our family grew and shrunk. Some cats aren’t destined to stay. They just need a place to land and recouperate before moving on to their forevers. So we considered our house a home for wayward animals. Eric fed everything that ventured onto the front porch. Whether it be feline or of another species persuasion. It wasn’t long before we were quickly going through a 20 lbs bag of dry cat food every week, but he loved it. It wasn’t unusual to see an opposum or a raccoon on the front porch. We often talked about setting up a camera to see what we were encountering because sometimes, we would wake up and whole big bowl of food would be gone overnight.

My husband often called himself the “kitty whisperer” and with good measure. When we were in Kentucky, there was an instance where we were alerted to a “stray” cat that had been put out of a house, down in the cul de sac. Eric spent weeks going down and laying a trail of food for him to find his way to our house. Bubby lived out his remaining years under our house in the crawl space. Going in and out of a vent, Eric would fill his food bowl twice a week and put it back under the house.

Ladybug came to us as the neighbors across the street moved out. They left her. Declawed and homeless. Again, Eric left a trail of food to the front porch. Ladybug spent 3 years as our porch kitty. Content to spend her days lounging on the railings. She wasn’t sure she wanted to be an inside kitty again. Eric kept trying to bring her inside but she insisted she wanted out. That was until we moved in 2019, and then she quickly adapted to life indoors.

Cat Tales from the Kitty Ranch

Our daughter is also a cat magnet. She brought more than a few home. Eric fell in love with every single one. When he came home from work, every animal got their special “Eric” time. Every one. Every day. I often overheard their conversations. He had his favorites but he truly loved each one for who they were.

When Em was young, she once asked Eric where he went on the weekends. At the time, he was on a shift from Thurs-Sun. So to her, he was gone all weekend. He told her he spent his weekends at his kitty ranch in Wyoming. And just like that, The Kitty Cowboy was born. Eric could tell some tales. She believed him and he proceeded to tell her some of the wildest, funniest cat tales imaginable. Sometimes he would take along a kitty or two from home to help out with the all of the kitty wrangling and ranch chores.

I remember one instance when Em was in middle school. Her teachers sent a note home. The note said the last few days of school would be spent as if the children were away at camp. We had to pack pillows, flash lights, blankets, and other things. Parents could send packages like mail. Eric sent her a package with a letter from the kitty ranch. We still talk about it to this day.

The Biggest Tales are the Best Tales

Once I got a text at work. Eric proceeds to tell me Lucy showed him the zipper where she takes off her fur coat. She took it off and ran around the back yard naked. He said it was so amazing. And then promised her he wouldn’t tell a soul, but of course he had to tell me.

Another story comes to mind of Nacho. Nacho was Eric’s favorite although he wouldn’t admit it. Nacho was the master Ninja. He has blades of steel on the ends of his toes. These blades are unmatched. Nacho weilds them like no other kitty because he is specially trained by a Liger.

Animals bring so much joy to our lives. I love my dog Odin dearly and he is becoming this quirky, fiercly loyal, and fun loving guy. Odin has stepped in as my emotional support animal for my chronic disorders but still. There is just something about a cat. So until my kitty love finds me, I’ll be sitting here patiently waiting. I just hope it doesn’t take too much longer.

Where are my fellow cat lovers? Show me some photos and tell me some cat tales until I find my kitty love again.

Thanks for reading. I love you all xxooC.

Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

Managing The Widow Brain

March 4, 2023 The Blue Widow 1 Comment

Widow Brain and The Fog is Real

I often go back through photos to remind myself what I was doing a year or two years ago. Widow brain and brain fog is a real thing. Settling down to one place for a while has me reminiscing more than I ever have since Eric left. Managing to amass so many pictures of places I’ve been and things I’ve done seems overwhelming sometimes. I do miss traveling. There was a sense of calm just being alone on the road.

Many times I’ve heard about widow brain and brain fog. From what I’ve read, it typically lasts up to a year. Mine has lasted much longer due in part to experiencing complicated grief and PTSD. But what exactly are these things? Brain fog is a result of the grief trauma. The mind simply can not process what has happened. And while the symptoms may have commonalities, each individual is different and will have different experiences. This results in mental and physical unintended side effects of grief. As the brain processes and tries to heal, widow brain can result. For me, it’s like walking around in a daze sometimes. I was unable to process time. Mostly living in the moment, I lacked the ability to think very far ahead in terms of weeks, days, or even hours sometimes.

The Traveling Fog

I decided to spend my fog in happy places. My body was in the most beautiful settings yet mind wasn’t there. I’m finding it harder and harder to really remember what I was doing but I definitely remember how I felt. Mostly empty. Searching. Confused. Fortunately I had my people along the way that helped save me. Now I see from what. From myself.

Looking at photos gives me so many mixed emotions. Sometimes I am sad that I can’t remember the moment better. Disappointed I couldn’t have lived in them just a bit longer. More grief because that moment in time is gone and either I didn’t appreciate it enough, or I just existed there. Other feelings are exitement I experienced this space. Grateful for the people I was able to experience it with. Thankful I could even go at all.

Coming Out of The Fog?

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past two and half years is that I am resilient. I didn’t know I was but I guess still being here and healing is a reflection of that. Inside, I’m starting to put everything together slowly. Time doesn’t stop. My mind will never completely heal though. On the outside I may have my shit together but inside, I’m still a grieving mess. I’ve come to terms that I always will be even though coping may get a little easier.

Somehow I get a daily reminder of this. Working has been challenging. Some days I’m just not up to the mental task. Sometimes simply coping with increased anxiety becomes so terrifyingly overwhelming. I take moments to pull my mind together. Especially when I have multiple tasks with a deadline to meet. I have to remind myself I am not the overachiever I used to be. Just doing my best has to be good enough because at the end of the day, a job is what I do. A job is not who I am. My sanity is worth more. Taking time to take care for myself has become so very important.

I don’t think I realized that by traveling and taking the “me” time, I was taking care of myself. Now I have to find other ways. What are some ways you take care of yourself, either mentally or physically?

Thanks for reading! xxooC

Destinations, On The Road, Thoughts and Notes

Leaving More, Our Journey Continues

February 26, 2023 The Blue Widow 1 Comment

Leaving More of Myself

I’ve been staring at a blank screen for a couple of hours now. I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time starting this article. My late husband’s ashes rest in many places I’ve visited in the two and half years since he left. I expected the ceremonial process and writing about it would get easier. However, talking about leaving more of his ashes is harder than I expected this time around. Recently, a lot of internal wounds have opened up. My recent experience was extra salt for the already existing proverbial wound. In preparation I think I switched myself “off” during the event. I expected to process all the feels later. Now emotions overwhelm me.

So I added another place to the growing list my husband now rests. Leaving more of him this time has extra special meaning. Anyone who knew him knows how much he loved Kentucky basketball. Ironically, I have to tell this story. For a new role at work, he signed up to take Dale Carnegie classes in Peoria in the Fall of 2019. These classes changed his life but I remember he looked troubled after one particular class. I asked what was on his mind. Our conversation went much like; the class was given an assignment. The assignment was an oral arguement. He had no idea what to argue as he didn’t feel passionate enough about anything. I replied quickly that his argument should be how UK has the best basketball program and team. He smiled and that’s what he did. It was a success.

inside rupp arena during basketball game leaving more

Honored to do this with one of Eric’s bestfriends. They visited Rupp together on many occasions.

Why Here was Different

Now, when the opportunity to go to Rupp Arena and put some of him there presented itself, I knew I had to do it. It felt right. Part of him should be in a place he loved so much and was a huge fan. But leaving more of him in a place he visited frequently was much different than most of the places before. The last place I left him was on his favorite golf course and the lake behind it. That was super emotional also. Rupp was different though and I couldn’t quite figure it out until now.

A week later, I’ve discovered something new. These two places are moments in time where he existed and was the happiest. His energy lives on in these spaces. In these moments and these spaces, leaving more of him has touched something in the universe that resonates with his very being.

I’m reminded of EDC 2019. Our last year attending this festival together in Las Vegas. The theme was “Kinetic Energy” and Bill Nye introduced, and performed the opening ceremony. He talks about how moving with lots of people in unison and creating kinetic energy together changes the brain. The energy makes us happy. So there is some science to it all.

This spreading of ashes was not a memorial of sorts but an honoring of his existence. An honoring of Eric being happy, in these spaces. And that was my lesson. I’ve had two very different types of spreadings. Ones for me, and ones for him. This one was for both. Rest in peace my love.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Speed Bump Days

February 15, 2023 The Blue Widow 2 Comments

The Intense Anxiety

Another mile stone came and went this week. Monday would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. I knew this day would come. Not the speed bump day, but the day when I couldn’t run from the feelings. Until now, before this move to Chicago, I would just go wherever I want to spend a painful day. Some place I can’t possibly be sad. Last year I was in Redding, California and the year before was Sanibel, Florida. Sounds great and it was. Well that didn’t get to happen this year. I couldn’t get the day off and was forced to work.

I wasn’t quite sure how the day was going to go. And I must say I was extremely anxious about it the night before. The thoughts of working, being in a vulnerable environment should things go south was overwhelming. My GAD was definetly getting the best of me. The next morning was worse but I eventually got out the door. I was especially nice to everyone that day because I wanted everyone to be nice to me. My emotions were crazy. The flashbacks and PTSD even came back that morning. I cried harder and more than I have in some time. But as I keep reminding myself, my tears are for me.

sunset from my bedroom window speed bump

Making it Over the Speed Bump

This day came and went just like all of the other 900+ days since. I’m still here. Picking up the pieces of my sanity. Struggling to look normal on the outside while quietly falling apart most days. Every time one of these speedbump days rolls around. There’s this gentle reminder I’m not the same person I was and life for me will never bear any resemblance to what it was before that day in June of 2020. I wish I didn’t have to continue to mourn but parts of me will, for the rest of my life.

I started this blog to get my writing out and just to have a place to house it. Along the way, so many of you have reached out with personal stories of your own grief and how my writing has touched you. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone and I am humbled that my writing can help anyone. The common thread I see, is that we all have some level of grief in our lives but each one of us is unique. So how we feel it, how we deal with it is a completely individual story. I still believe we never process or move on from the trauma suffered from grief. It just gets redefined. And somehow with each new speed bump comes the learning experience on how to deal with it in my daily life.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Role Models in A Widow’s Perpective

February 5, 2023 The Blue Widow 2 Comments

Definition of Role Models

I wanted to share with you my writing prompt today in the most amazing book my daughter gave me for Christmas. It was “who are my role models and what qualities do they have?” I didn’t have to think long before I realized my daughter is my biggest role model and I’ll get more to that in a minute.

But first, what is a role model? I had to look up the definition because although I thought I knew what it was, I wanted to find out exactly what the definition was. I found equal but different descriptions. Merrium-Webster Dictionary says “A person who’s behavior in a particular role is imitated by others.”

That’s kind of vague I think. Dictionary.com had a few definitions and I kind of liked their cultural one better. It says “A person who serves as an example of values, attitudes, and behaviors associated with a role…Role models can also be persons who distinguish themselves in such a way that others admire and want to emulate them.” And still another site stated there can be negative and positive role models which I completely agree with but for the purpose of this article I am focusing on the positive.

My Inspirations

In doing this excise, it didn’t take long before I thought of my second role model. And that person would be my late husband. Somehow in the relationship when we finally become one unit. Our traits and personalities began to compliment each other instead of working against one another.

We became our biggest fans and cheerleaders. He posessed a lot of qualities I aspired to. Don’t get me wrong, he definitely had faults but he was strong, rescourceful, and bold. He had a presence that I do not possess but wanted to. When he left I went through a time when I lost myself because I looked to him for guidance. A guidance I am just now understanding the depth of. Which is another reason I embarked on a self discovery journey over the past two and half years. I’m still learning myself all over again.

My Role Model Still

Besides these two beautiful souls, I can’t say I’ve really had anyone else I’ve considered a role model. Sure, I could have easily just picked a random celebrity or inpsirational speaker. But those aren’t really the kinds of people I look up to. I never have. No one has had multiple qualities I aspired to. Of course each of us have certain good traits but to look up to someone and trust their judgement, want to emulate their qualities, and push to achieve their wisdom, no…I can’t say that until I met my daughter.

My daughter as an adult is one the kindest, gentlest persons I have ever met. She is so much like me and then she has all of these other wonderful qualities. She is strong, fiercely loyal, and an independent thinker. She’s compassionate, empathetic, and understanding. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have her as my daughter but I am grateful the universe put her in my life. She was a delight as a child but as an adult, she’s simply amazing and I am in awe of her often.

Through A Widow’s Eyes

So as a widow, now I understand. Along with all of the shock of losing my husband. I also lost my role model. Sometimes we choose role models, and sometimes they just enter our lives at the right time. I think I could say both of mine just entered and then I chose them. My question today is who can I look up to now? I’ll let you know when I find them because there are a few individuals on my radar.

Who is your role model and why? I’d love to hear. Thanks for reading xxooC.

sunflower display at the louisville zoo role models

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

My Food Journey

January 29, 2023 The Blue Widow Leave a comment

Journey Setbacks Suck

I’ve suffered some setbacks lately. Both mentally and physically. I found out last year through a DNA sensitivity test, that I am super sentsitive to certain foods. I kind of already knew it but, this completely confirmed it. The majority of people have food sensitivities and don’t even know it. I was one of those people. Don’t let anyone or any doctor tell you differently. Food sensitivies can wreak havoc in gut. The gut controls the immune system. When the immune system fails, the body is open to other diseases including auto-immune disorders. This is where my food journey begins.

All of what I’m about to tell you is what prompted me to write this article about my food journey. Because a couple of weeks ago, I ate a whole bunch of things I shouldn’t have. This really caused a screw up in my digestive system as well as inflamation throughout my entire body. On top of this bodily stress from food, this caused my mental stress to multiply. Coupled with the anxiety of a new job, a new city, a new living space…well you get where I’m going.

NOTE: I’ve inserted lots of links to outside websites explaining medical definitions and explainations. Just click on any to learn more about that topic. Thanks!

Food Journey Version 1.0

My food journey started way back in my late twenties. First I was diagnosed with hypo-thyroidism. This resulted in medication. Second was arthritis. More medication. Third was chronic fatigue syndrome. Even more medication. Amphetamines were prescribed at one point just because my energy level had dropped so low.

Then by my mid thirties I was a wreck. I broke my first bone in 2005. My endocrinologist sent me for a DEXA bone scan. This is a test that measures bone density. I was borderline osteopenia. More medication was prescribed and this is where I said STOP! I truly believe we have to become our own advocates when the medical system isn’t working in our favor. So I started reading, and reading, and more reading.

Version 1.5

I learned almost all illnesses start from bad gut health. This is a whole ‘nother topic and I’ve included some links if you want to explore this more. If you are experiencing symptoms, I highly recommend digging deeper. The results will shock you. Anyway, I had been fasting off and on for quite some time and I always felt amazing during a cleanse. So I felt I was on the right path with the food thing. Not knowing how to proceed and not having enough information yet, I suffered for many years to come.

Then, in my early forties, after many attempts to clean up my diet, nothing seemed to be working. I felt the worse I had felt in my entire life. Then I suffered my second bone break in 2013. The results of my most recent bone scan showed I was creeping up to osteoporosis. I couldn’t open my hands in the morning from pain and inflammation. My body constantly ached like the flu. My brain was foggy all day. Moodiness, yes. Irregularity, yes. No strength, no energy, no motivation, constant digestive issues, that was all me. So I decided to do something.

me with a boot on my first after second break my food journey

Important Food Discoveries

My first attempt was to cut out the big 6 for 4 months. That was wheat, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, corn, and sugar. Yes it was difficult but well worth it. After reintroducing each one, I’ve found that all of them affect me in some way. Gluten? Any gluten more than a couple of bites at all, I can’t digest it. Corn? In excess, inflammation ie: arthritis symptoms. Caffeine? Tummy issues immediately. Sugar? In excess, bloating and swelling of hands and feet. Alcohol? It all depends. Dairy? Well that depends too.

I want to point out here there is a BIG difference between allergy and intolerance regarding food. Click on the link to discover more. With this knowledge, I slowly started to change my diet. Eat more good stuff and avoid the known issues. Meanwhile, I cut out a considerable amount of medications. Finally, I was down to just the ones for thyroid support and bone loss.

Bone Broth!

I also wanted to add that I started making bone broth for collagen support. Super easy to do in a crock pot and I can’t say enough about how good it made me feel. If you want my recipe just ask. It’s nothing complicated and I will be happy to share. I just took a recipe off the web and changed it up a bit to suit my taste. Yes, collagen is readily available through many powders, premade broths, drinks, shots. However you choose to consume is great. I just realized I could make it for cheap and I loved the taste of mine.

The Turning Point

After a while I became acutely in tune with my body. I knew there were other consumptions not working for me but I couldn’t quite figure it all out. Lastly, about a year ago, I took a DNA food profile from 5 Strands. (Not A Paid Advertisement!) This test was the key I needed to successfully change the path of my food journey. There it was in black and white. Actually it’s white, green, orange, and red but there it was. Some things I knew, some were not a surprise and some were a complete surprise! Lots of foods I thought were safe were in fact, really irritating my body. Armed with this knowledge, I can now make better food choices.

So this leads me full circle to why I feel so terrible now. I ate a ton of corn along with a few other things on my red list. This was two weeks ago and my hands still hurt. And there you have it. My food journey is constantly evolving as I dabble in scrumptious meals I shouldn’t but grocery shop like I should. I read labels, and avoid the foods that make me super sick when I can. Changing one’s diet is a lifestyle. It takes time. Also lots of knowledge.

Anyone have issues you suspect is related to food sensitivites/intolerances? I want to hear. Thanks for reading xxooC.

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

New Year’s it’s still ME

January 16, 2023 The Blue Widow 3 Comments

New Year’s Reflection on the Old Me

I’ll say it again, somehow the new year’s brings up all kinds of feelings. New year’s has that way of simultaneously inspiring reflection of the past while planning for the future. And while this is usually a good thing, it can also be traumatizing to some.

First a little background. I grew up in a typical middle income household with both parents. On the surface it looked normal. Scratch a few layers deep and it was horrifyingly not normal. It wasn’t long into my life when I would look at neighborhood friend’s families and see mine was different. Never really being able to put my finger on it but it was there. Like a shining beacon. I was in my early 20’s when I began to realize. My home life taught me to keep my emotions guarded because if I slipped, every thought and word was quickly weaponized and used against me. This made forming relationships difficult in my early adult life.

New Me Version 2.0

I met my husband when we were in our mid-20’s. He also bore scars from his childhood. Together we melded. We worked through them and became a solid foundation for us both. Together we were each other’s refuge. A soothing place of peace because we understood each other. Back then, the new year’s brought happiness and joy. A chance to look forward to what was possible. Now for me that rock and foundation is gone and it’s bringing up all kinds of trauma. Trauma I don’t want to deal with. I want to bury it again and never bring it back out this late in my life. But each day I’m increasingly reminded that as long as I am still here, neglecting my healing isn’t working it’s only hurting.

Once you see personality disorder, it’s impossible to unsee it. I recognized it in my husband. It was all too familiar. Thankfully he was willing to put in the work. He was open to change and saught the help he needed to bring calmness and peace into our lives.

I learned narcacistic behavior early. I used it. Before I knew what I was doing. I think I used it on my own child before I decided the cycle had to be broken. Now, she bears the trauma but hopefully she will some day recover and I’m there for it. I’m there for all of the hard stuff with her. I know I screwed up and I’m not afraid to admit it. My childhood left me severely ill equipped to handle a lot on the parenting front. Hell, there’s a lot I can’t handle about adulting. Because to be honest, no one ever taught me how to be an adult but that’s another article.

The Authentic, Healing Me

So this new year’s has brought up all of my insecurities and trauma. To lessen the pain and begin some healing I’ve made some commitments to myself. Instead of resolutions I’ve made a list of what I want to accomplish this year in my healing. I can count on one hand the people who actually know the real me. I’ve heard we have different versions of ourselves for the different facets of life. Of course there’s a “professional” me, and “private” me although now, my goal is to try to be more authentic in every aspect. I have decided not to try to mold myself to fit any situation again. Only speak my truth and try to truly live.

Simple Goal Setting, It’s ME

To help in achieving this goal, I’ve made a modestly small list of things I want to start doing. Thereby enabling healing, self care, and hopefully begin to let go of some of this pain and trauma I’ve been holding on to. EMDR therapy has taught me how to physically control my anxiety and calm my mind. So the first thing I am committing to this year, is to dedicate at least 3-5 min a day to meditation on happy things. Moments that have happened. I want to live those meditative minutes in gratitude for being able to experience them.

Second, is more activity. I’m not calling it exercise as that is so cliche. Especially when discussing the new year. So I am committing to more walking. That’s it. Pretty easy for now. Lastly is writing. I have felt like I haven’t had time when in all actuality I just got out of the habit. I’ve gotten lazy with the things that bring me joy.

So there it is. Call it my resolutions. I call it my path to healing. Each one has a proven place in my journey. I’ll keep you updated on how it’s going.

What self care/self improvement commitments have you made for 2023? I’d love to hear. Thanks for reading. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Grief in a New Year

December 28, 2022 The Blue Widow 2 Comments

New Year, New Memories

Another holiday season has come. This year will soon be gone and a new year will be here. And just like all the others, 2022 will be a memory. I’ll add it to the memories I’ve made after trauma and loss. Grief in a new year. In this new world I’m forging for myself, I have constant little reminders of loss. I’ve always said we cry for the living. Just recently I was reminded of this.

I was on my way to work, which is where I usually do my talking and crying to those I’ve lost. That’s when the thought reoccurred to me…this was all for ME. Just after Eric left I remember thinking there was no way he would actually leave me. He wouldn’t just abandon me here, alone. Somehow, some way he would communicate. He wasn’t really gone. Now I know that’s part of acceptance and bargaining. It seemed like such a real hope.

Anyway, in that morning crying session, I realized something deep. I am alone. In a bold instant, I knew the crying is for me. I cry for the people I love and aren’t here anymore. I’m crying for MY loss, because I know they are in a better place. Whether they come and visit me, I don’t know. I would like to think so but ultimately I don’t know. I know everyone has different beliefs and faiths regarding death and that’s fine. I’m not here to discuss that. I accept we truly don’t know anything. No matter what one believes the truth is, tears are for the living. An expression of loss. Loss in the lives of those left behind.

Grief in a New Year

As I was looking through photos from holidays gone by, I kept thinking about the lives gone. I guess because Eric was the first person I’ve lost which I’ve known the longest, I now have a different prospective on life. The question “is this all there is,” kept lingering in my thoughts. I spent 26 years with him. Now there is no more. How profound to realize there are no more photos. There will never be another memory. And as I’ve said before, time just changes and reorders my mind.

In the early days after loss, I remember thinking I would give anything to go back and have just an hour in my old house with my husband, my daughter small again, Lucy on my lap. The feeling was real, I could close my eyes and imagine it, almost touch it. Now as more memories are put between that time and now, the memories are less tangible. That too is loss and makes me sad. I can’t quite get the same feeling or imagine the moment with such preciseness. But as I am learning, this is what time continues to do.

The holidays have a way of bringing many emotions. Joy, peace, sadness, loss, it’s all in there. All wrapped up. Then New Year’s arrives. Then boom. Time changes again and I’m back to face grief in a new year, new circumstances, new memories, and a new time. So to all of you reading this I say to you, take it all in and enjoy the moment. Cry, laugh, scream, or just sit quietly. May you all have a wonderfully blessed 2023. I love you all. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Time. In “quotation marks.”

December 23, 2022 The Blue Widow 3 Comments

“A “Time” for “Home”…

I’ve been increasingly curious about time since my husband left me. I think I was in this “isolated bubble” so to speak. A place where I lived and didn’t observe much around me that didn’t include him. Now I have lived alone. I’ve traveled alone. Something I never really did before. I never wanted to settle down again. Have a place called “home”, because let’s face it, he was everything I ever knew of, that was called a “home.” Now all of that is gone so I have had to put things into different perspectives.

I recently moved. Moved to Chicago, Illinois. I signed a lease. Which was hell for me for anyone who actually knows me. Because I hold an Illinois real estate license and renting is truly “throwing money out the window.” But I needed to plant some kind of “roots.” I accepted a job offer and I needed a place to “stay” for a while. So unfortunately I found a small 600 square foot flat in “the city” which I absolutely adore. If it was a co-op I would definitely buy in, but it isn’t, so I can’t. I signed a lease and I have approximately ten months left before I need to “vacate.”

sunset from my apartment in chicago. time

A time for Planting “Roots?”

Now I’ve never been one to securely “plant roots” unless I was sure I wanted to be there for “a while.” In Kentucky, “before Eric,” I never really lived in one place for more than a year. So I was always ready to “up and move.” Once Eric and I “settled” and we moved to Shelbyville, Ky, it took time before we actually hung stuff on the walls and “made it our own.” We ended up there for 20 years, but that’s another story.

In 2019 when we moved to Normal, Illinois, I was in my house for six months before I hung anything on the walls. The lease here in Chicago is literally for 11 months. It’s a “short term.” I have about ten months left so I consider it a “short stay.” Yet I find myself succumbing to wanting to make this place “a home.” I have no idea where this came from except the fact there has been no “home” for me since Eric left in June of 2020. Nothing felt permanent enough to really call it “home” since then.

“So what is happening” I ask myself? Why am I calling this “home”, and wanting to make it feel “homey?”

The only conclusion I can draw is that I have this instinctual need to now call some place “home.” It has been about two and half years since Eric died. Right then I committed to walk the country to whatever end I wanted. To do whatever “whim” I chose, at that moment. And I did that. But now, I have actually chosen my path, instead of letting the path choose me.

“Final Analysis”

I feel like I am on uncharted waters, not knowing where “the wind will take me next.” I am open to whatever presents itself but all of this is new to me. A new time. A new place. Something completely different from what I ever imagined for myself. All I can tell myself is “hold on, the ride is just beginning.”

And so we go. Into what feels like a time distortion. The unfamiliar. “The unknown.” Please comment if you feel any of this too. I want to hear your story!

I love you all. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Just A Quick Note

December 7, 2022 The Blue Widow 4 Comments

A Status Update

Just a quick note to update everyone. I’ve been working so much lately because of Christmas it’s been almost impossible to sit down and write. To the contrary, a lot has been on my mind. When I do sit down and actually write something, an outpouring of emotion is all I get. Nothing tangible I can place in an article. I lost a dear friend over Thanksgiving weekend. I’m still trying to process this.

With all of that being said, this quick note is to let everyone know that writing is still in the forefront of what I enjoy doing in my spare time. The holidays have a way of forcing reflection. Whether it be what was lost or what is still here. Somehow, this time of year is just special. If I don’t get something out in the next couple of weeks, I wanted everyone to know I am still here. Settling in in Chicago has been both interesting and fun. I’m in the Logan Square neighborhood which is NNW of the city, but still considered “the city.” Nothing like a completely new way of life to get my mind off many things. I was just saying the other day that sitting still is now a luxury. How quickly I forgot how it feels to have a whole day to do nothing.

I’m in and out so much I decided to do a Christmas plant instead of a tree!

This post marks a milestone for my blog too. It’s my 50th post. So after the holidays and things settle down a bit, I plan on getting back to writing more. In the future, I will tell you more about Odin. He is such a joy to have around.

So Happy Holidays to all my friends and family. I love you all and thank you for following my journey. It’s far from over and I have so many more adventures, thoughts, and ramblings to share with you so please stay tuned. xxooC

Destinations, Uncategorized

Meet Me In St. Louis

November 30, 2022 The Blue Widow 2 Comments

A Stop In St. Louis

I’ve driven through St. Louis multiple times. I have even seen the arch up close and personal in my early twenties. So when someone very special to me asked “Meet me in St. Louis?” I couldn’t say no. I was able to stop overnight on my way out west. While in St. Louis, I took some incredible photos of the arch and downtown. So many places traveled and I seem to forget about some until I’m looking back for a particular photo. Then I run across some great pictures that I would like to share. So here are a few pics from my overnighter just inside the Missouri boarder. The short time there was so fun. Special memories were made and I know I will return again one day.

The Arch

The arch is quite magnificent if you’ve never seen it up close. Made from stainless steel, it glistened in the evening lights. Only recently I discovered the arch was completed in 1965 making it just 57 years old.

the arch behind some trees in st louis missouri

The Old Courthouse

St. Louis is also home of the Old Courthouse where the Dred Scott case was filed and heard. “The courthouse was built in 1839 and served as the site for a number of landmark civil rights cases” according to the Gateway Arch web page. You can read more interesting historical information about the Dred Scott Case at the National Park Service page.

The Civil Courts Building

This is the Civil Courts Building. Built in 1930 to replace the old Courthouse. Interesting information “It was designed to mimic one of the “Seven Wonders of the Ancient World”, the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus or Tomb of Mausolus. It is then topped with a pyramid which has at the summit two “Greek sphinx-like figures” or “Griffins”, each 20 feet long, 12 feet wide and 12 feet tall. The architectural firm of Klipstein & Rathmann designed the building, who then later designed the St. Louis Post Office on Market Street in 1937.“

Out and About In Downtown St. Louis

Finally, these photos are from sculpture and art discovered while walking around downtown. I hope you enjoy and of course, any feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading! xxooC

Not like the Others

Sharing in The Moment

And Then It’s Over

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Felines on my Mind

The Kitty Whisperer and a Cat Tale

Cat Tales from the Kitty Ranch

The Biggest Tales are the Best Tales

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Widow Brain and The Fog is Real

The Traveling Fog

Coming Out of The Fog?

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Leaving More of Myself

Why Here was Different

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The Intense Anxiety

Making it Over the Speed Bump

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Definition of Role Models

My Inspirations

My Role Model Still

Through A Widow’s Eyes

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Journey Setbacks Suck

Food Journey Version 1.0

Version 1.5

Important Food Discoveries

Bone Broth!

The Turning Point

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New Year’s Reflection on the Old Me

New Me Version 2.0

The Authentic, Healing Me

Simple Goal Setting, It’s ME

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New Year, New Memories

Grief in a New Year

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“A “Time” for “Home”…

A time for Planting “Roots?”

“Final Analysis”

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A Status Update

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A Stop In St. Louis

The Arch

The Old Courthouse

The Civil Courts Building

Out and About In Downtown St. Louis

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From loss to living. This is my story.