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Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Coping with Grief: Ideas for surviving this Holiday Season

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Coping with Grief + Holidays=HARD

The holiday season can be a challenging time of year for anyone who has lost a loved one. Whether due to a recent loss or one that occurred years ago, coping with grief during the holidays can bring up a range of emotions that can be difficult to navigate. I know it’s hard. Even though your loved one isn’t here, you still are. Here, we’ll explore some ideas for coping with grief during the holiday season. Here you’ll find ways to honor your loved one and take care of yourself.

Whether by creating new traditions or seeking support from loved ones, there are many ways to find comfort and peace during the holidays, even in the midst of grief. So, let’s dive in and discover some helpful tips for making it through the holiday season after losing a loved one.

Bring out Your Creativity

As I said, the holiday season can be challenging. But there are many ways to cope and find comfort and support. One way to honor your loved one is to create a unique ornament or decoration. One that represents them and place it on the tree or display it in your home. Clear glass or plastic ornaments that open can be found at craft stores. These are perfect for small mementos like fur, jewelry, or photos.

Honor and Remembrance

Lighting a candle in memory of your loved one during holiday gatherings or anytime you just want is a wonderful way to pay tribute. I light one often at night in remembrance of the loved ones I’ve lost. Another way to honor their memory is to create a memory box filled with items that remind you of them. Place it with decorations or in a special place as you share memories about them.

Take Some Time for YOU

Taking care of yourself during this time is essential. Make sure to get plenty of rest, eat well, and engage in activities that bring you joy. I know sleep is hard sometimes, especially when I have much on my mind. I read with a low light and burn some incense to wind down. The holidays may seem like a great time to throw all self-discipline regarding food out the window; however, now is the time to exert that discipline. You’ll feel better when the holidays are over, and exacerbating any health issues will be averted. Finally, do little things for yourself. A hot cup of tea or a little “me” time is a quiet, no-expense luxury.

GIVE BACK

Finally, consider volunteering, attending a support group, or seeking professional help if needed. Volunteering can be a great way to find gratitude and give back. A support group is helpful if you are comforted by being around people. Some are, some not, so don’t push yourself. There is a better time to get out of your comfort zone. Professional help can be a wonderful support. Contact your doctor for a referral if you need help finding a therapist.

Remember that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions and to take things slow. By caring for yourself and finding ways to honor your loved one, you can make it through the holiday season with peace and comfort.

Thanks for reading and I wish everyone not only a peaceful holiday season but I also wish you to find some joy. I love you all –xxooC

four pine cones on top of brown wooden surface coping with grief
Photo by Jessica Lewis on Pexels.com
Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

The Longing for Travel: Planning Future Adventures

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The Longing for Travel

After I started working full-time last year, I could no longer travel as freely as I used to. I enjoyed being spontaneous and flexible with my trips, but with my scarce vacation days, I had to postpone my travel plans. This had me longing for travel, but it also inspired me to plan for future adventures. Being unable to discover new places and cultures was hard on my mental well-being.

I know I’m not the only one that enjoys traveling. Whether you are waiting for your next get-a-way or you’ve had to pause for a minute like I have. Here are some tips for finding ways to cope with the absence of travel and stay positive.

The Value of Travel Adventures

Why do we travel? Most often it’s to unwind from daily life and to explore new destinations. Traveling can also enhance our personal development, cultural awareness, and global outlook. When we go somewhere completely different it can help us to value different viewpoints. We also have the opportunity to examine our own lives and cultivate compassion for others.

After several of my own trips, I found that I came back invigorated and ready to create. Travel sparked my passion for writing and has helped to heal my soul after losing my husband. Getting away and experiencing a new way of life was tremendously enlightening.

Reliving Memorable Travel Moments

During this downtime of mine, I took the time to reminisce about past travel experiences and the unforgettable memories I’ve created. Whether it’s sipping coffee on a crisp morning in Colorado, exploring abandoned roads in California, or hiking through brush in the Sanibel, Florida preserves, these memories can transport me back to those special moments and inspire my future adventures.

sign for "ding" darling national wildlife refuge in sanibel florida
on a mountain in colorado
three bridges in california off I5

Coping with the Absence of Travel

While I may not be able to travel right now physically, there are still alternative ways to fulfill my wanderlust. I’ve embraced virtual travel experiences such as virtual tours. Here is just one website called Taste of Home with an article by Laurie Dixon. In this article, you can find links to virtual tours of NASA, museums, cities, and much more. I have found them very exciting.

Online cultural events are a great way to experience different cultures. Cooking is another way to experience new places and cultures. These virtual experiences can provide a taste of different destinations and cultures from the comfort of our own homes.

Discovering Local Gems

Often, we overlook the beauty and wonder that exists right on our doorstep. Research local attractions, hiking trails, and off-the-beaten-path destinations. Discover hidden gems in your local surroundings.

I recently discovered, and have been exploring a new trail in my community. It runs alongside a creek and has quickly become my new walking spot. By exploring local businesses and communities, we can create meaningful experiences and appreciate the treasures in our own backyard.

Dreaming and Planning Future Adventures

I look forward to getting on the road again someday when my life and time allow. If you’ve put travel on hold for whatever reason, my advice is to stay positive and keep dreaming about future travel adventures and opportunities. Use this time to research destinations, create a bucket list, and plan itineraries for your future adventures. By envisioning future trips, we can stay hopeful and excited for what lies ahead.

While the longing for travel may be strong, it’s important to remember that this situation is temporary. By cherishing past travel memories, finding alternative ways to travel virtually, and embracing local adventures, we can nourish our wanderlust and remain hopeful for future adventures. Travel will return, and when it does, we will appreciate it even more.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

Going Backward While Moving Forward

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photo of downtown chicago from wrigley stadium

Is it Forward or Backward?

I know, the title kind of doesn’t make sense but the feeling is real. Many aspects of my life seem to be moving backward while others are moving forward. I will somewhat always live in the past, that is true. But we are all forced to move forward with the passage of time. As I’ve said before, understanding and accepting this isn’t always easy.

Backwards

My move was settled about a month ago. It was anything but smooth. One would think it easier to take everything down three flights of stairs versus up however, that wasn’t the case. Also curiously, and although I tried really hard not to buy a ton of shit, I in fact, had a ton of shit. Stuff I had accumulated in the short time living in my tiny ass (600 sq. ft.) apartment in Chicago. Wow, I’m still scratching my head about that one.

my apartment in chicago
odin in my apartment in chicago

I’m kind of still living out of boxes. Every day it seems I’ve lost something or can’t find something. And then I tear through boxes again thinking I should have labelled everything.

My new job is fun and I love my co-workers. With Christmas coming up, I am working more. Just for now though. Next year will be somewhat different. Due to the reasons I moved back, I don’t really know what next year has in store for me. I’m both anxious and uneasy about the future. I know there will be more tests to my mental health.

Backwards and Forward

A couple of weeks ago I went backward and forward again, simultaneously. I had to put Malice down. She was mine and my late husband’s husky. We adopted her in 2012 when she was three years old. She was a very unique soul. Watching her go was devastating. It was like losing another piece of Eric. I know she is with him. I felt it. I’ll make an article about her soon. I just haven’t gathered the right words yet.

In the mean time, here a few pictures of her. Her remaining years after my first move from Illinois back, were spent in Kentucky with Eric’s dad. She had a good life.

She was fun and smart. In her early years she was an instigator. She was always the cheerleader of bad doings at the dog outings. I always said she wouldn’t start the fight but she was right in the middle cheering it on. Malice pranced when she walked. She had a swagger of a diva. Lover of all things sparkly and anything that made her stand out. Shirts, sweaters, collars, bandanas, she loved to dress up. Oh and she sang. She had her favorite songs and if you’ve heard her then you know. I will miss her.

malice moving forwards and backward
malice in bandana moving forwards and backward
malice laying down
Forward

One final thing I wanted to share. I’m putting this out there for my own personal accountability. I am starting my own online publishing business. The business should be up and running in a few months. I’m heavily invested in this in all aspects. I’ve become so passionate about it and love it already. I’ll probably be posting less as I’m still learning the process, and writing of course.

Thanks for reading. I love you all –xxooC

Have you had a time where you felt you were moving both backwards and forward simultaneously?

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

More Success and Defining

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The Early Years

When I was ridiculously young, I equated material things to more success. No matter what I had, I always wanted better and more. Once in my twenties, I hung out with a group that all owned their own businesses. To me that was highly successful. I learned a lot from them in a short time. Being successful to them meant freedom. Then once I had my own business, I still didn’t feel successful enough. The craving for more everything was always present.

Loss is Not Failure

I wrote about this before. More recently, as I’ve been trying to practice gratitude, I keep coming back to how I felt earlier in life vs. how I feel now. Going from having a lot of things to living a minimalistic lifestyle, I have shed the notion of material things as a sign of successfulness. In doing this, I also shed what defines my success. Losing all that I did in my life didn’t seem like a failure but just that, a loss. So I had to look at what was still there, present, in my life.

When my husband died a few years ago, I was completely in awe by the tributes written to him. He truly changed people’s lives. Although he didn’t know it, and we didn’t see it at the time. My husband had an unrecognized level of achievement both personally and professionally. We had the big house, he had the great job, and both of us were in a better place in our lives than ever before. So I asked myself, does this mean success?

Measuring Success

Well, sort of but not exactly. I’m beginning to believe success is in direct relation to being content in the moment. At the moment he died, we had achieved a lot, but didn’t consider ourselves successful. Now I’m beginning to understand the defining measure of success in life to me, is in how I actually measure it. Furthermore, my measuring may be completely different than anyone else.

To me, it now has nothing to do with materialism but rather the feeling I have when I look around my life. Am I successful? Well sort of but again, not exactly. The definition of success is “The achieving of results wanted or hoped for.” So maybe I can have success without claiming my life successful. A new concept for me.

What do I feel successful about in my life right now, in this moment? I’m successful at surviving three years after my husband’s sudden death. I’m successful at rejoining a bit of life and experiencing some joy. My professional success is still a work in progress. Claiming success on some levels in my life seem realistic now. I’m not sure I will ever have complete success but rather contentment within certain important areas.

Final Yet Evolving Thoughts

So as I keep moving and growing through these next chapters of my life, I am reminded of how far I’ve come. My way of defining personal success has changed drastically through my experiences and reflections. Yes I know some of it just comes with age and experience in life but still. Now I believe success is in the perspective. And just like grief, is an individual experience. I’ll continue to evolve and grow while setting new goals for myself.

I want to hear from you. Have your views on success changed? How successful do you consider yourself? How do you measure your own personal success?

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

my shadow on the beach more success
Thoughts and Notes

A Paranormal Event

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An Old House with a History

I moved in with my late husband’s father in October of 2020. His wife passed some years before so he had been living alone. There was more than enough room for the two of us. I went in prepared for spiritual activity, knowing three people I know of that have died in that house. Surprisingly, not one paranormal event or anything unexplained ever happened. Nothing ever seemed “off.”

At the time I moved in, my father-in-law was caring for a very dear friend. William was already in a senior living community. And unfortunately he was homebound. He had played golf on frequent occasions with my husband. I became like family and was quickly recruited to do haircuts, light cleaning, and other random needed jobs. These two men were delighted to have my help and company. The companionship after my husband died was welcome to me as well.

Facing The Difficult Tasks

Then one April day, William calls and goes to the hospital. I didn’t go see him as my father-in-law went almost everyday, that I can remember. At last there was the call. I’m not sure who exactly was on the other end, I just vividly remember the conversation. As my father-in-law answered questions about Williams’ care, he looked at me sternly as to be asking my approval. “Yes, he can just come here. I have an extra bedroom in the back of the house.” was said.

William was brought to the house on a Thursday afternoon. As I said before, nothing out the ordinary ever suggested there was spiritual or a paranormal event that had ever happened there. I worked first hand with the nurses, nurses’ aides, and hospice. Friday was good, then Saturday was okay. Sunday was bad. Then, something happened.

Is This My Paranormal Event?

I woke up on Monday and felt a warmth and peace radiating from the wall I shared with the back room William was resting in. The air was charged and I could feel the static in it. My heart knew the transition was closer. The whole house felt otherworldly. This was the beginning of my paranormal event.

William left us on Monday. That evening as the sun set, the house was aglow with a warmth I’ve never felt before. It was peaceful and I could feel not only Eric, but others there also. As I went to bed that evening I lit the candle beside my bed. I light one every night for Eric. I have since he left. Only tonight I whispered “This one is for you William” and I went to sleep.

My Medium Reading

In the morning, everything was crisp and the air was heavy but back to normal. We carried on with our day like always. Then a friend of mine reached out. She had felt something. She gifted a medium consult for me just after Eric’s passing and it didn’t go well. My grief was clouding her vision so we left it for another time. My friend told me now was the time. So I scheduled another consult.

Now don’t get me wrong here, I believe in psychics and genuine readers and people who can see things most people can not. Some do have a gift but I’m always the skeptic. So I went into this highly skeptical. I was telling her about William and then she pauses. She asks if I have a candle by my bed. To which I simply replied “yes.” She tells me William says “Thank you for the remembrance. He appreciates everything you did for him and wishes he could have gotten to know you better than the short time you spent.”

I’ve had more than one instance in my life that brings tears and chills. I wanted to share this with you. This was one of the defining moments that made me start traveling. It’s unexplainable. But somehow it brought me comfort. There’s more to this story that I learned from the medium but that will be a story for another time.

So take care, and please share if you have any similar stories or anything paranormal you’ve encountered with loved ones.

Thanks for reading. (And I’m going old school with the pictures. Oldies but Goodies 🙂 –xxooC

beach at sanibel island florida a paranormal event
On The Road, Thoughts and Notes

More Change

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Moving, moving, moving

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Thinking on how much life has changed and continues to change since my husband left. But change can be good right? Once I believed with every ending was a new beginning. Although nowadays, I’m finding that harder and harder to be true. In grief, sometimes endings are just that…endings. Where I am now is not a beginning. But a place I am all too familiar with. A place I left for a reason. So with more change, what happens now?

Maybe my purpose here isn’t finished. At least that’s what I am telling myself today. Maybe, just maybe this is a healing place. When the universe sees I’ve had enough. It sends me back here to reflect and heal. A physical “safe space” so to speak. I’ve never really had that before. I mean, sure with my husband I felt safe and secure. But I was never alone. Nor was I ever experiencing complicated grief. Not the way I am now. Psychiatry.org has some great reference material on grief disorders. Just click if you are interested in learning more.

Back Where I Started

So in that, here’s a quick update. I’ve left Chicago. Chicago will always hold a dear place in my heart and Illinois will always feel like home. I went there and did what I wanted. Something I had always dreamed of. I built a life on my own, for me. I’m leaving proud of what I accomplished and proud of myself.

But my time is over for now. I’m drawn back to Kentucky again. I will make the best of this moment and bask in familiar surroundings until the universe decides I belong somewhere else.

Also I have decided to restart therapy. EMDR (Eye Movement and Desensitization Reprocessing) helped in the beginning. I’m not sure I need that again. While I’m here though, I think I’ll dive into some grief therapy. I’ll let you know how that goes. It’s always been hit or miss but I’m hoping for the best.

If you’re still reading me by now and want to catch up, drop me a message and let’s connect. I look forward to seeing some familiar faces. Love you all and thanks for reading. –xxooC

central beach indiana dunes more change
Thoughts and Notes

Big Life Decisions

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rainbow in the sky big life decisions

Taking a Break

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve taken the summer off from posting. I did this for a couple of reasons. I wanted to enjoy the summer without the pressure of producing articles. Quite frankly, it was weighing on my mental health.

I’m a perfectionist. It’s both a curse and blessing. If I can’t give 110%, I don’t do it. I couldn’t give my all to writing, so I gave myself permission to take a break. The decision was hard, and my commitment to myself to stick to the break was difficult but well worth it.

Also I’ve been busy. Pouring myself into work seemed to keep me distracted from my inner self turmoil. I was being challenged with balance in my life so somethings had to be put on hold. I have however, been writing in an actual physical journal almost regularly. That is, up until a few weeks ago when I had to make some big life decisions.

More Big Decisions

That’s when something hugely significant happened in my life. My path was diverted again. I was faced with some pretty hard realizations. One was my mental health condition and how it’s affecting my very being. I had to take time to process, and decide how to proceed. Big life decisions aren’t always easy. Some are a no brainer. Some others, not so much. Most of my big life decisions since 2020 have been in reaction to a bigger life event. These recent decisions were a culmination of festering difficulties and problems I can’t just seem to solve without a complete upheaval of the new life I created.

After trauma and experiencing traumatic grief, I think it’s natural to second guess yourself. PTSD can bring forth many uncertain feelings to just about everything. Personally, I question and doubt myself regularly now. I never did much before. Ultimately, I have to make the choices that benefit not only myself, but the ones’ I love as well. I also feel I have to honor my late husband. In that, I know I have made the right choices for my immediate future.

New Directions

So as the summer ends, so does another chapter in my life. With every ending comes a new beginning. Just as in any grief journey, a new beginning isn’t always a step forward. But it’s a necessary transition nonetheless. I am about to embark on a path I must take and see it through until the end, whatever outcome that may entail. At this point the path forward is completely unknown. I keep saying “I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.”

For Now…

I’ve realized something else over the past year. Mentally and emotionally, I am no where near the person I was before 2020 and I never will be again. The pandemic has left a lasting impact on our very existence. So does the death of a loved one. In some ways I’ve become calloused to words that I hear and words that I say. But never the emotions. They are all still there just tucked away. Sometimes they slip out. Sometimes I let them out. And just like that, the huge big tidal wave of grief washes over me again.

Big life decisions can come with big consequences and big rewards. I’m banking on the big rewards because as I’ve said before, and I think this is my motto now- only when you’ve lost everything is anything possible.

Thanks for reading. –xoxoC

Odin, Uncategorized

Odin Update Vol. I – May 2023

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Odin Update- Settling In

Well what can I say, I wanted to give an Odin update because he’s settling in. Our new home and routine seems to suit him. We’ve been in Chicago for seven months now. Our first Illinois winter together is finally over. (Although this was not my first winter in Illinois, Odin definitely needed some adjusting.) Basically after figuring out what worked between coats, sweaters, and tees, we were good to go. Finding what works best on an active dog of his size was challenging. But we made it through, and so now we face the warming temperatures of Spring/Summer.

Odin in his UK tee shirt
Odin standing in the park at night with his sweater on
Odin smiling as he looks up at me

Off to the Vet- Health Update

Firstly, Odin experienced some tummy and digestive issues about a month ago. Overall it was quite scary. He became severely dehydrated and had to go to the doggie ER. The best part was finding a good vet hospital just around the corner. They were so loving and kind. Luckily, with a bland diet of rice, rice water, and some serious meds, Odin was able to make a speedy recovery.

Surprisingly, bloodwork showed low cortisol levels so he’ll be returning to the vet to keep an eye on this condition. The whole episode lasted about a week and a half. Besides the tummy stuff, we also discovered some skin issues on his paws. Whatever is going on, it’s causing him to lick them. I’m not quite sure what the cause is yet. He’s been on medication since seeing the doctors at the ER. The meds seem to help for now.

Odin licking his chops
Odin pulling on a purple rope

Traveling Again

An Odin update on the travel side, he visited North Beach in downtown. Odin just loves digging in the sand. Still, he hasn’t figured out cars though. For a super intelligent canine, cars just have him baffled. I guess he will always truly be a country dog.

When we go on long car rides, his bed fits just behind my driver’s seat. He sleeps the whole way. In April, Odin travelled to Kentucky for a few days. He hung out with his sisters Malice and Sissy and played with the babies for a few minutes. He just loved that. The littlest one, that is scared of dogs actually pet him and squealed at the joy. Odin loved it just as much.

Usually Odin spends his days just lounging on the bed or the couch waiting for a walk. I wonder what dogs dream about. He makes the cutest noises while he’s sleeping. Sometimes he even snores. He loves Kos’s Park across the street. Now that it’s warmer the park is full of people and children. Odin often finds snacks on the ground. It’s an ever vigilant watch to make sure he doesn’t eat something he’s not supposed to.

Me in my truck all packed up with Odin asleep behind me on his bed
Odin asleep on the couch
Odin at North Beach, Chicago IL

Well that’s it for now. Stay tuned. I promise I’ll be better at giving you more about Odin. Thanks for reading and enjoy the photos! -xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

When There is Just More

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Just More Unexpected Trauma

It happened again today. Another flashback, just more trauma. Reliving the “thing” I don’t want to think about, let alone discuss. But there it was. I think this whole experience is all part of reconnecting with the world. After a traumatizing event, it’s hard to be part of something. Because being part of something means exposure. Being vulnerable to more trauma again and never quite knowing when or where I’ll be drawn back into it for a moment, an hour, a day or more.

Luckily today was just moments but the lingering effect lasted much longer. I was taken back several years to just after my trauma. I was trying to make sense of the world around me. Always moving, never looking over my shoulder. Putting time and distance between me and “it.” Today it caught up with me though.

Unintentional But Still

I was doing routine things. At work, not really on guard. It’s a semi-warm day today so I didn’t wear stockings. My thigh tattoo was exposed. Someone saw it and commented and asked about it. Then the whole office was asking, surrounding, questioning. Then there I was, back in my trauma. Explaining what it was, why I got it. Who did it, when he died. All of it. There, at work and I said it all without batting an eye. I’ve come that far by the way. I was very proud of myself. I stood there and told the tale. Then I retreated.

I went to the washroom where no one was and I cried. I cried like I did when I got this tattoo. Like I do every time I spread more of him and feel his soul touch mine once again. The feeling I get when I’m back in my safe place, back when all of this never happened. When I took it all for granted. When I was whole and completely naïve.

Ending The Night

All I can say is tell the people you love what they mean to you because there may not be a tomorrow. Not for them, not for you. I know how cliché that sounds but for my husband it was true. Tomorrow did not come for him. So live like there’s no tomorrow. The one question I go to bed asking myself now is, am I proud of who I am and what I did today? If the answer is yes, then I sleep a little better. If not, then I hope there is a tomorrow that I can do better.

Thank you for reading. I love you all. -xxooC

sunset on a street in chicago
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

The Things I’ve Said as A Widow

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The Things I’ve Said that Still Surprise Me

I’m sitting here watching a thunderstorm roll in. One of the subtle things I love most in this world. The smell of rain. The calm before the storm. Quick flashes of lightening and a glimpse of what’s coming. We never really know what’s coming though. Every moment, every day. Although it may be routine, somehow someway, something unexpected always pops up. This story is about the things I’ve said that really surprised me when I hear the words come from my mouth.

I had a conversation with another widow today. Her story was like others I had heard. Her husband died because of an illness. His death wasn’t quick. He didn’t want to leave and his leaving was devastating. They had been married a very long time. And in this conversation I had another revelation.

The things I’ve said since Eric left that I never thought would ever escape my lips. I’m speaking of the words I never thought I would ever say pre-trauma. I’m still surprised when something like “my husband died” rolls off my tongue. Another is “my life now after my husband passed.” Still the one that always stuns me is “now that I am single.”

What Still Surprises Me

I never thought I would be single again. That title eluded me for a long time. I was very reluctant to take it until it was forced upon me. Taxes and the IRS are to blame but I took it anyway. Now I bare it like a sign, or a badge. My heart will never be single. He will always dwell there, inside my soul even though outside we are no longer a couple.

This widow I spoke to today has been 12 years a widow and like me, she is choosing her own path. We didn’t speak about what her life was right after. But I felt we shared some commonalities. The pain in her eyes was still there and when she said “I’m 12 years, you are still new” I knew then, she had a perspective so I rebutted “time really doesn’t matter” to which she responded “no, it doesn’t.”

Time. Friend or Foe?

That right there. That was the moment that solidified everything I’ve thought up until now. Time does not heal all wounds, it just masks and allows us to cope better. Time allows experience to learn how to not say the things I think. So far, it’s taught me to hide everything inside better. Time allows me the learning to keep buried what needs to be and to be able to function in society again.

Right after Eric died, I spoke to a dear friend I used to work with. She too lost her husband suddenly to an accident two years prior. They are both young. She said to me “girl, it’s hard.” At the time I didn’t know what that meant. I do now. It is hard. It will always be hard. Coping, existing, living past the death and trauma of losing a life partner is hard. It’s a different kind of loss. Hard is the beginning, middle, and will ultimately be the end.

I love you all. Thank you for reading -xxooC

open road the things I've said
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

What NOT to Expect in Mourning

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From What to Expect to What NOT

I realized after I published Part 1 of “What to expect when you ARE in mourning“, I left a few things out. Although I did touch on some physical expectations, I completely missed the massive emotional and mental aspect. So here is Part II. I’m calling this one What NOT to expect when you are in mourning.

The Mental Part

The first thing I can tell you not to expect, is to be the same person again. Ever. There are moments in one’s life that completely change and define you. Losing someone close is one of those moments. The closer the soul, the more of a marker in time a death becomes. There is only before and after.

Second, do not expect to make rational decisions. My thought process was completely driven by the intense emotions I was feeling. I definitely wasn’t clear headed. Nothing meant anything to me and material possessions from a life I no longer had were worthless. I got rid of almost all possessions in one way or another. I don’t recommend doing so alone. This decision turned out alright for my situation but again. I don’t recommend it for the first year.

The Emotional Part

Thirdly, emotions were uncontrollable for a while. I did not expect this and I couldn’t hide them. I’ve gotten better though. But for what seemed like a long while, they quickly went from rage, to sadness, to indifference all within a short span of time. I felt stunned most of the time. Disbelief and confusion filled in the rest. I remember saying I know it happened, but I just can’t believe it happened.

The next thing I didn’t expect was the desparate longing that kicks in. Along with the emptiness. I believe this is part of the bargaining stage. Desparation to have just one more moment of that perfect peace with your loved one still with you. It’s there, you can almost grasp it. But the peace is never within reach. Don’t expect to ever fill the void your loved one left. This is the one feeling time will never heal. This feeling creeps in again. And again. And again. When it’s least expected. Triggered over a thought, a memory, a gesture. This is the wave that’s often talked about. The tidal wave of grief.

The Physical Part

Finally, don’t expect grief and mourning to just be emotional. I wasn’t prepared for the physical manifestations that came along. The side effects of grief and in my case, sudden loss. The pain is intense. Deep physical pain that never really goes away. Time just teaches how to mask it better. My energy level declined. I don’t think it will ever be what it was but I am finding ways to cope.

Last but certainly not least, I’m going to speak strictly about widowhood. Don’t expect your life to resemble anything close to what it did before. Ever. Widowhood changes everything. From self care, to the way I eat. The biggest realization was that I was alone in taking care of myself. I lost the comfort in those intimate life moments. The ones when I had someone there. Always knowing where I was. The constant daily conversations. Gave way to a huge, hollow void.

The Opportunity That Awaits

In the end of the list, of what not to expect while mourning. I would like to leave you with a message of hope. For in my grief I see possibility. In what’s left of my life now, I see opportunity. Opportunity I never would have thought possible. Because in all of my loss, came a freedom. I am free to do things I would have never done before.

My final words are…don’t expect good things NOT to happen. When I lost everything, anything seemed possible. With all of the mental and physical scars I still had to live each day. And only I could determine how that day would be. My therapist said the most profound words that stuck with me, even today. “The only one stopping you, is you.” So I leave you with this, take a chance. Do one thing you have always wanted to do whether it be by yourself or with someone else. I know it’s scary. Just do it. You’ll thank me later.

Thanks for reading. I love you all. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

What to Expect when you ARE in Mourning

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That’s right, when you are in MOURNING

If you haven’t lost someone significant, then this article isn’t for you. If you have, then you may be familiar with what I’m about to talk about. It’s all of the things that are not discussed in daily life, but exist in the world of someone mourning. Let’s get real about mourning and grief. Let’s talk about what to expect when grieving the loss of someone you loved.

I’m going to start with relationships. What to expect first is, most people around you including friends and family simply will not understand. Some may think they do, but they don’t. Unless one has lost the same relationship, no one gets what you feel. No one will empathize with you and very few will know what is appropriate to say or do. The few that will, well they will ultimately be your tribe but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Second, there are so many rituals that go along with death. What to expect, and what happens in a post-covid world are completely different things. Nothing is right or wrong and everyone deserves the right to choose what is best for them and their loved ones. Especially when it pertains to end of life choices and decisions. Don’t just go along with someone elses expectations. Do what feels right for you and don’t worry about pleasing anyone else, no matter who says what.

Other things about what to expect

Third, most of those around you do not have your best interests in mind. They only have theirs. It’s really hard to tell because intentions may be good but these people, family, and loved ones may not be good for you. And this is a problem because discerning what is real and what is false is super hard when you can’t think straight. So my advise is to surround yourself with people you completely trust. If there is a hint of something crazy, cut them off. It’s okay to put a relationship on hold and reconnect when able. You’ll be glad you did.

Fourth, don’t have regret. In mourning and grief one clearly can’t think straight. It all takes time. How much time? Well, that’s a very individual answer as well. Each person moves through grief differently because of a number of factors. So tread lightly, don’t make any decisions you don’t have to, and wait until you feel better both mentally and physically. Hint…your people will be there for you with no questions asked. They won’t have alterior motives and they will only be there to assist. Not for “what’s in it for them” or to make themselves the star of the show. As I said before, these are your inner circle. They will be your life line and your comfort.

And a few more things

Fifth, you will suffer physically. In ways you can’t even imagine. The stress and discomfort from grieving will touch your very soul and manifest in physical ways. Listen to your body and be aware. Slow down when you need to. Draw boundaries when appropriate. Rest when you can.

Sixth and final thought. Don’t do anything that doesn’t feel right. If it all feels wrong, it probably is. Go with your gut because that’s all you have. Don’t trust anything just because you should. Finally, it’s okay to draw boundaries and postpone anything and/or EVERYTHING until you feel you can deal.

One last thought

That’s it. These are the things I wished I had known going into my experience with grief. The things no one talks about but everyone who has been through it knows quite well. No one can prepare you for your grief journey. Everyone is different and every journey is unique. What we can do is to find support and support each other.

Thanks for reading. I love you all xxooC

lillies what to expect