Tag Archives: #selfdiscovery

Role Models in A Widow’s Perpective

Definition of Role Models

I wanted to share with you my writing prompt today in the most amazing book my daughter gave me for Christmas. It was “who are my role models and what qualities do they have?” I didn’t have to think long before I realized my daughter is my biggest role model and I’ll get more to that in a minute.

But first, what is a role model? I had to look up the definition because although I thought I knew what it was, I wanted to find out exactly what the definition was. I found equal but different descriptions. Merrium-Webster Dictionary says “A person who’s behavior in a particular role is imitated by others.”

That’s kind of vague I think. Dictionary.com had a few definitions and I kind of liked their cultural one better. It says “A person who serves as an example of values, attitudes, and behaviors associated with a role…Role models can also be persons who distinguish themselves in such a way that others admire and want to emulate them.” And still another site stated there can be negative and positive role models which I completely agree with but for the purpose of this article I am focusing on the positive.

My Inspirations

In doing this excise, it didn’t take long before I thought of my second role model. And that person would be my late husband. Somehow in the relationship when we finally become one unit. Our traits and personalities began to compliment each other instead of working against one another.

We became our biggest fans and cheerleaders. He posessed a lot of qualities I aspired to. Don’t get me wrong, he definitely had faults but he was strong, rescourceful, and bold. He had a presence that I do not possess but wanted to. When he left I went through a time when I lost myself because I looked to him for guidance. A guidance I am just now understanding the depth of. Which is another reason I embarked on a self discovery journey over the past two and half years. I’m still learning myself all over again.

My Role Model Still

Besides these two beautiful souls, I can’t say I’ve really had anyone else I’ve considered a role model. Sure, I could have easily just picked a random celebrity or inpsirational speaker. But those aren’t really the kinds of people I look up to. I never have. No one has had multiple qualities I aspired to. Of course each of us have certain good traits but to look up to someone and trust their judgement, want to emulate their qualities, and push to achieve their wisdom, no…I can’t say that until I met my daughter.

My daughter as an adult is one the kindest, gentlest persons I have ever met. She is so much like me and then she has all of these other wonderful qualities. She is strong, fiercely loyal, and an independent thinker. She’s compassionate, empathetic, and understanding. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have her as my daughter but I am grateful the universe put her in my life. She was a delight as a child but as an adult, she’s simply amazing and I am in awe of her often.

Through A Widow’s Eyes

So as a widow, now I understand. Along with all of the shock of losing my husband. I also lost my role model. Sometimes we choose role models, and sometimes they just enter our lives at the right time. I think I could say both of mine just entered and then I chose them. My question today is who can I look up to now? I’ll let you know when I find them because there are a few individuals on my radar.

Who is your role model and why? I’d love to hear. Thanks for reading xxooC.

sunflower display at the louisville zoo role models

Speaking Up and Confronting Fears

Speaking Up with Boundaries

I’ve never been the one for speaking up for myself. I admit, I’m a people pleaser. In my childhood I dared not speak my mind. This action always met with fierce condemnation. Therefore I learned quickly not to speak up for myself. This carried into my adolescent and adult life. There were a few rare occasions where I actually did say what I was thinking. When this did happen, I remember pride mixed with astonishment in myself. I was always in awe of the people around me who could easily just snark or put their thoughts out there. In therapy, I discovered these are all learned behaviors. Unlearning a lifetime of unproductive behaviors is difficult. We teach people how to treat us. I also discovered that by not speaking up but staying silent, I am allowing myself to be treated differently than I want.

Now mix grief into this. I thought feeling hopeless would give me courage. It did in some areas of my life but curiously not in this one. I used to watch my husband. He would say something in a room full of people just to watch everyone get triggered and then leave before someone’s head exploded. “This was an art” I often thought. I could never be so bold. Grief however has definitely emboldened me, but not always in the best ways.

Fear with Anxiety

There was a time I was highly self destructive. In this journey I’ve also been highly creative. The real work on myself began in the midst of this trauma. Anxiety disorder is something that comes and goes in my life. Before the past two years, I really hadn’t dealt with it to the extent I have now. With anxiety comes fear. I realized an irrational fear of abandonment is something I’ve had my entire life. Now to actually be abandoned through no one’s fault. Well that has made this fear a reality and that is the cornerstone of where I am today. I know this but I don’t know how to deal with it but I’m learning.

Confronting Fears

Reconnecting for me continues to be difficult. Grief sets new boundaries but knowing one’s boundaries is important. Reinforcing the boundaries set is even more challenging. I had a conversation the other day with a very good friend about this topic. We both knew it and thus we both understood it completely. Talking about it is easy. Putting what I know into practice is something else altogether. Speaking up for myself, through setting and enforcing personal boundaries makes me confront my fears. Fear of ridicule, fear of abandonment by someone who doesn’t want to respect my boundaries. Fear of disappointing, and fear of confrontation.

Speaking Up with Love

So I constantly ask myself the question, “what have I got to lose?” The answer is nothing and I have to remind myself of that. I truly believe we get what we put out into the world. Someone once said to me, if something is said or done with love then it is never bad. My resolution to myself is to walk in love. I choose to love myself hoping that reinforcing my personal boundaries out of love for myself will continue to bring positivity into my life. Those that understand this may stay. Those that don’t may leave.

Do you struggle with personal boundaries? What irrational fears have you experienced? I want to hear from you. xxooC

lake front picture speaking up