The Intense Anxiety
Another mile stone came and went this week. Monday would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. I knew this day would come. Not the speed bump day, but the day when I couldn’t run from the feelings. Until now, before this move to Chicago, I would just go wherever I want to spend a painful day. Some place I can’t possibly be sad. Last year I was in Redding, California and the year before was Sanibel, Florida. Sounds great and it was. Well that didn’t get to happen this year. I couldn’t get the day off and was forced to work.
I wasn’t quite sure how the day was going to go. And I must say I was extremely anxious about it the night before. The thoughts of working, being in a vulnerable environment should things go south was overwhelming. My GAD was definetly getting the best of me. The next morning was worse but I eventually got out the door. I was especially nice to everyone that day because I wanted everyone to be nice to me. My emotions were crazy. The flashbacks and PTSD even came back that morning. I cried harder and more than I have in some time. But as I keep reminding myself, my tears are for me.
Making it Over the Speed Bump
This day came and went just like all of the other 900+ days since. I’m still here. Picking up the pieces of my sanity. Struggling to look normal on the outside while quietly falling apart most days. Every time one of these speedbump days rolls around. There’s this gentle reminder I’m not the same person I was and life for me will never bear any resemblance to what it was before that day in June of 2020. I wish I didn’t have to continue to mourn but parts of me will, for the rest of my life.
I started this blog to get my writing out and just to have a place to house it. Along the way, so many of you have reached out with personal stories of your own grief and how my writing has touched you. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone and I am humbled that my writing can help anyone. The common thread I see, is that we all have some level of grief in our lives but each one of us is unique. So how we feel it, how we deal with it is a completely individual story. I still believe we never process or move on from the trauma suffered from grief. It just gets redefined. And somehow with each new speed bump comes the learning experience on how to deal with it in my daily life.
Thanks for reading. xxooC
Charlie and I never did anything special for Valentine’s Day — We said every day was Valentine’s Day, and we weren’t joking. So the celebration usually doesn’t impact me. But this year, I was at the grocery on February 14. As I walked down one of the aisles, my eye randomly went to the canned pickled fish (sardines, herring) and I remembered how I’d always get a can for Charlie if I was out on Valentine’s Day. I was kind of a wreck the rest of the day. Better today. Part of the bad day/good day fluctuation we both know so well. HUGS
Totally get it. Big hugs to you for getting through it. Even though we never really did much to celebrate the two days either, it was the routines that made me cry also. Every year we’d wake up and say “Happy Anniverserary” and then Eric would pretend he didn’t know and ask “how many years has it been?” then we would laugh and go about the day. Then on Vday, we’d wake up, say “Happy Valentine’s Day” and he’d ask “what did I get you?” because I bought everything I wanted and would say it was all from him 🙂 Love you!