Tag Archives: #anxietydisorder

Thoughts and Notes

Mental Health and Prioritizing

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Welcome back, let’s talk about Mental Health

Oh hey, hi there…I know it’s been a while. Thanks for sticking with me and keeping up with the little bit I’ve put out this summer. It’s been a struggle to sit down and actually focus. This time away from blogging has been an internal challenge for me in so many ways but I won’t go into that here. The topic I want to talk about is mental health and depression. While I have my own battles, I’ve met many others that do as well. For those of you just reading, here is a little background on me. I was diagnosed with PTSD and GAD after my husband died in June of 2020. (click the links to learn/read more.) It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride to say the least.

Before the Grief Trauma

But before all of this, I suffered from severe depression in my late teens and early to mid twenties. I wasn’t quite aware of mental health issues and I had no idea what was happening to me. I had started seeing a very good therapist years before. Not once was depression ever mentioned to me.

Then, all of a sudden, one day I just didn’t want to get out of bed anymore. It was like I just didn’t want to function. Thinking was difficult. I went to work, came home and slept. Woke up, then I went to work, came home and slept. Some days I didn’t make it to work. Fortunately I did not lose my job. I struggled daily not knowing what was going on with me. I couldn’t figure out why my mind and body were betraying me.

Finally as my life spiraled out of control at 24, I became pregnant with my daughter. Then somehow, miraculously, I was cured. I’ve read about pregnancy altering the chemical makeup of one’s brain… but BAM! It really happened to me. I never sunk into any type of deep depression again.

Trauma and Depression, the Difference

Fast forward to after my husband died. Shortly after my trauma, my family had an intervention. I found myself sitting in my doctor’s office. He told me I was “depressed.” I’m told him, “I’m confused, I want to die. I have no will to live. I can’t handle this trauma.” And of course for my treatment, I was prescribed anti-depressants. Which I took. For a while. I was desperate.

They did lighten my mood. They did not take away my thoughts and feelings of grief, despair, sadness, or any of the feelings of losing someone close to you. What the pills succeeded in doing, is buying me some time in not feeling too much of anything. Which was kind of a momentary relief.

Normalizing Talking About Feelings

I’m telling you this because these feelings haven’t really gone away. What takes the place of it all is learning how to cope and learn to look normal on the outside. That’s right, I’ve been faking it. I even fool myself most of the time. But as soon as I start to believe it all, the charade comes tumbling down and the wave hits me again. I’m saying this because I believe it’s so important to normalize talking about how we feel in order to prioritize mental health.

I’ve found finding the right words and having the courage to discuss it extremely hard. In a way, I don’t want to appear weak and not in control of myself. I always went over the conversations in my head beforehand, I found myself asking, how will someone see me after I confess this? The stigma is real.

However, while working here in this lovely city with the most amazing people, I have had quite a few instances that have reminded me why I came here. I came here to find me. The me without him. Rebuilding has been difficult but I’ve survived. Maybe even thrived a little. I’ve learned a lot over the past 10 months, about myself and what I’m capable of.

Learning the Lessons

I’ve been fortunate to come back to a company that understands and also prioritizes mental and physical health. Only with the help of everyone around me up here, have I learned the lessons I was sent here to learn. I’m here to tell you all of you have it in you also. The capability to learn about yourself and move in a forward direction.

Ultimately it’s not about will, and it’s not about finding something you’re passionate about. Everything in life can be going great, but mental health has to be a priority. Even if you’ve never had a traumatic event, prioritizing mental health is so important. In that, it’s accepting one day, one minute at a time.

For me, it’s learning to live. Maybe even love again. This time away has nurtured my inner child. I’ve done things that make me happy. Beginning to dream again. And most of all, it’s about finding gratitude. Being grateful for what I have. I sometimes don’t realize how fortunate I am. I’m trying to get back to that.

What does prioritizing mental health look like to you?

Thanks for reading. I love you all! -xxooC

me standing on tybee island at sunrise mental health
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Speed Bump Days

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The Intense Anxiety

Another mile stone came and went this week. Monday would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. I knew this day would come. Not the speed bump day, but the day when I couldn’t run from the feelings. Until now, before this move to Chicago, I would just go wherever I want to spend a painful day. Some place I can’t possibly be sad. Last year I was in Redding, California and the year before was Sanibel, Florida. Sounds great and it was. Well that didn’t get to happen this year. I couldn’t get the day off and was forced to work.

I wasn’t quite sure how the day was going to go. And I must say I was extremely anxious about it the night before. The thoughts of working, being in a vulnerable environment should things go south was overwhelming. My GAD was definetly getting the best of me. The next morning was worse but I eventually got out the door. I was especially nice to everyone that day because I wanted everyone to be nice to me. My emotions were crazy. The flashbacks and PTSD even came back that morning. I cried harder and more than I have in some time. But as I keep reminding myself, my tears are for me.

sunset from my bedroom window speed bump

Making it Over the Speed Bump

This day came and went just like all of the other 900+ days since. I’m still here. Picking up the pieces of my sanity. Struggling to look normal on the outside while quietly falling apart most days. Every time one of these speedbump days rolls around. There’s this gentle reminder I’m not the same person I was and life for me will never bear any resemblance to what it was before that day in June of 2020. I wish I didn’t have to continue to mourn but parts of me will, for the rest of my life.

I started this blog to get my writing out and just to have a place to house it. Along the way, so many of you have reached out with personal stories of your own grief and how my writing has touched you. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone and I am humbled that my writing can help anyone. The common thread I see, is that we all have some level of grief in our lives but each one of us is unique. So how we feel it, how we deal with it is a completely individual story. I still believe we never process or move on from the trauma suffered from grief. It just gets redefined. And somehow with each new speed bump comes the learning experience on how to deal with it in my daily life.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

a white rose
Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

Things I Wished I Had Said

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An Idea Becomes Reality

My late husband Eric was never one to have anyone to make a fuss over him. His birthdays were never a big deal. I am absolutely positive he wouldn’t want his death to be a big deal either. But yet I felt I had to do something for the community he spent half his life in. I wished I had done something sooner, but something is better than nothing. So I organized a memorial/celebration of life. Since I’ve been spreading his ashes all across the country, I thought it only fitting that he be in Shelbyville, Kentucky also. The place where he worked and spent so much time with friends and family. Where he golfed, fished, and all of the other hobbies and things people do in their lives to spend time.

The Anxiety Begins

Since the moment I picked a definitive day and formally created the event, I felt anxious. Anxious for two reasons. One that my anxiety would go off the rails and two, that the whole thing would become something he wouldn’t approve of. The goal was to honor him and remember him, not mourn him but celebrate the impact of this great person on the peoples’ lives he touched. I think he would have liked that.

As the event drew near I became unhinged. There were times I wished I had not planned this thing. My anxiety was worse than it had been in over a year. It still is, even after this is all over. I want to talk about this because I am not the only one. I know many that struggle with anxiety. The hows and the whys it rears it’s head are still a mystery to me. Unexpected and unexplained are my panic attacks.

What I Wished I Had Said

Anyway, the event came and went. After the fact, I realized that there were things I wished I had said. Anxiety had me paralyzed leading up to the whole thing. In the moment, I didn’t really say anything about him. So here it is. Eric was a great human being. Only after his passing did I realize what an impact he made on so many. I still hear stories about things I knew nothing about. To me he was just Eric. My husband. My hero, my cheerleader, my partner, my companion. As with most couples, we argued, we grew as individuals together as well as growing as a couple together.

Our lives changed but we seemed to thrive on change. Stagnation was our weak point. Eric was insecure about himself. He didn’t see himself as a leader yet he challenged people to be better. He was the biggest asshole I know but he was so funny when he was. Most days he acted like he didn’t have a care in the world but he worried about everything. To the point he had problems sleeping. This is the man I knew. He was human, an inspiration.

Afterthoughts

I know he meant a lot, to a lot of people. I think we all have it in us. That spark that lights up someone else. Just when you think no one is looking they are and you just might be someone else’s inspiration, hero, role model, teacher, friend and not even know it. Even in death he has challenged me to think about what people will say about me when I’m gone. I hope I live up to the challenge.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

the tree at lake shelby where I spread Eric's ashes. I wished I had said more
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Speaking Up and Confronting Fears

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Speaking Up with Boundaries

I’ve never been the one for speaking up for myself. I admit, I’m a people pleaser. In my childhood I dared not speak my mind. This action always met with fierce condemnation. Therefore I learned quickly not to speak up for myself. This carried into my adolescent and adult life. There were a few rare occasions where I actually did say what I was thinking. When this did happen, I remember pride mixed with astonishment in myself. I was always in awe of the people around me who could easily just snark or put their thoughts out there. In therapy, I discovered these are all learned behaviors. Unlearning a lifetime of unproductive behaviors is difficult. We teach people how to treat us. I also discovered that by not speaking up but staying silent, I am allowing myself to be treated differently than I want.

Now mix grief into this. I thought feeling hopeless would give me courage. It did in some areas of my life but curiously not in this one. I used to watch my husband. He would say something in a room full of people just to watch everyone get triggered and then leave before someone’s head exploded. “This was an art” I often thought. I could never be so bold. Grief however has definitely emboldened me, but not always in the best ways.

Fear with Anxiety

There was a time I was highly self destructive. In this journey I’ve also been highly creative. The real work on myself began in the midst of this trauma. Anxiety disorder is something that comes and goes in my life. Before the past two years, I really hadn’t dealt with it to the extent I have now. With anxiety comes fear. I realized an irrational fear of abandonment is something I’ve had my entire life. Now to actually be abandoned through no one’s fault. Well that has made this fear a reality and that is the cornerstone of where I am today. I know this but I don’t know how to deal with it but I’m learning.

Confronting Fears

Reconnecting for me continues to be difficult. Grief sets new boundaries but knowing one’s boundaries is important. Reinforcing the boundaries set is even more challenging. I had a conversation the other day with a very good friend about this topic. We both knew it and thus we both understood it completely. Talking about it is easy. Putting what I know into practice is something else altogether. Speaking up for myself, through setting and enforcing personal boundaries makes me confront my fears. Fear of ridicule, fear of abandonment by someone who doesn’t want to respect my boundaries. Fear of disappointing, and fear of confrontation.

Speaking Up with Love

So I constantly ask myself the question, “what have I got to lose?” The answer is nothing and I have to remind myself of that. I truly believe we get what we put out into the world. Someone once said to me, if something is said or done with love then it is never bad. My resolution to myself is to walk in love. I choose to love myself hoping that reinforcing my personal boundaries out of love for myself will continue to bring positivity into my life. Those that understand this may stay. Those that don’t may leave.

Do you struggle with personal boundaries? What irrational fears have you experienced? I want to hear from you. xxooC

lake front picture speaking up