“Sometimes life gets in the way.” We’ve all heard that saying before. Somehow, grief and life can not coincide together. Well, for a while they can but what I’m finding is I have to be in one or the other. I still find myself grieving yes, but as time continues to flow I am also living. Am I living the life I wanted? Not yet. I’m still working on it. Trying new things out. Deciding what I want in and out of my life. Who I want in and out of my life.
I am starting to question how much grief can actually remain in life. Grief was my badge. I wore it with pride. There was a lot of pain and trauma endured. With complicated grief, it’s all still in there. I feel it everyday. The person I was is gone. She left when he left. Out of desperate self preservation I have rebuilt someone else. So here I find myself getting back out. I could have chosen a different path. Eternal grief. But that isn’t the direction I wanted to go. The wise old words once spoken to me are finally ringing true. I am tired. I am tired of the pain. Continuing to live in the pain was just to great to endure. So I let some of it go.
Choosing Grief or Life
So what does the future for someone as damaged as me look like? That I don’t have an answer to yet. Again, I’m breaking my own rules. I am doing things I am uncomfortable with. I discovered something recently, the grief had become my comfort. In that though, comfort contained lots of pain and confusion. I’m actually kind of surprised how comforting the pain had become. Especially after losing Lucy, my comfort and emotional support cat.
In an effort to survive the day, I haven’t moved on. Although I have just replaced the things I found comfort in before the trauma. I now have a comfort dog. I have meaningful people in my life. Things are just different this time around. Ultimately, I think this will not be the last time I have to start over and create another version of myself. The next time though, I’ve had some practice and I think I can navigate better. There is a life lesson here somewhere. Somewhere in all this comforting pain and grief along with the uncomforting changes and experiences.
My first job in high school was with the Louisville Auto Club in downtown Louisville, Kentucky. There I learned my way around maps. My job was to provide directions to members taking trips. One of the most requested destinations was Sanibel Island in SW Florida. Since then, this little island has been on my list of places to visit.
Then in 2001, my new husband and I decided to take a belated honeymoon trip. He wanted to go to the beach. I wanted something a little less touristy, so we chose Sanibel Island over Labor Day. My time on the island was nothing short of magical. The vibe, the scenery, the wildlife, all of it touched my soul.
Hurricanes and More Storms
I had never been to an island before. The pace is just a little slower. The smell of the salt air and the sand is somehow different. In the following years we visited a couple more times. I got to see most of the major sights. That is until Hurricane Charley made landfall in Punta Gorda in August of 2004. Charley was one of the strongest hurricanes to ever hit the US and one of four that struck Florida that year. Charley intensified just before turning to put Sanibel in its path. The devastation was terrible.
The rebuild was difficult. In 2005 while waiting on a rental car in Fort Myers airport about to go to Sanibel, I watch Hurricane Katrina decimate New Orleans. What irony. Once I arrived on the island, Sanibel showed visible scars from Charley. I watched as small businesses closed. Different restaurants and shops were closed each time I went back over the years. Sanibel did rebuild but it wasn’t the same. It became something different but still just as wonderful. There was even a paperback written about the experience of the island. Topography wise, the causeway between Captiva and Sanibel was eroded. The other worldly canopy of greenery that once completely shaded Periwinkle Way was gone. Trees were uprooted all over the island. The JN “Ding” Darling National Wildlife Refuge I had biked a few years prior took a hit as well and rebuilt different trails.
The Spark That Ignited the Dream
Now back in those days, each rental unit had a guest book. Each guest would write a little something to the owners about their experience there. Kind of like Trip Advisor and Google Reviews now. The person staying in this one particular condo just before me had been there a month. A whole month. That stuck in the back of my mind. I suppose my bucket list started there because the thought of staying a whole month on Sanibel sounded just like heaven to me. Only in my dreams.
2005 would be my final trip to Sanibel for some time. In my mind I lived there. It was my happy place, even then. I kept up with the local news. On occasion I would check out the tidal chart and reminisce about shelling on the beaches, riding a boogie board all day just to eat some fruit on the beach and go back out in the water. Going to Jerry’s Foods and seeing the birds. Sanibel Spirits was also the closest liquor store. Two staples right next to each other.
Slowly over the following years, I forgot about Sanibel. Well, I didn’t exactly forget, just other vacations happened. New and exciting destinations I was able to travel to put Sanibel on the back burner so to speak. Then came 2020. My heart longed to go somewhere familiar. Somewhere I felt at peace. Somewhere away and different than the day to day. I remembered Sanibel. My slice of heaven. So, I booked two weeks in a condo and headed down. I drove this time. I had family move to Venice, Florida recently so I arranged time in Venice before and after Sanibel. There it was. My month in Florida. It was really happening.
Going Back to The Little Island of Sanibel
A lot of my healing took place in Florida. Mostly on Sanibel Island. Including September of 2020, I have spent a total of about 90 days in Florida with 57 being on Sanibel Island. During my EMDR therapy, when I was asked to quickly think of a safe place in my head, Sanibel was it.
Sanibel is no stranger to storms. As an island in the gulf, it can get pretty scary sometimes. Sally was just rolling through on my very first trip back. I stood on the beach as a lightning storm came in first. All I can say is the lightning was an amazing sight. Parts of the island were flooded but for the most part it was business as usual in the following days. I quickly became acquainted with the island once more.
Getting Reacquainted
Every morning my routine was to get up, drink coffee and head out for a bike ride through the JN “Ding” Darling Preserve to watch the birds eat their morning meals. The gentlemen working the toll booth came to know me. Sometimes I would ride down Wulfert Keys Trail and sit on the bench. I liked to sit when it was empty. Some days I rode through fast, some days slower to take pictures and spot the wildlife. It was a good eight-mile trek. Four miles through and another four back. The road through the preserve is one way so getting back was a ride down Sanibel-Captiva Road.
Some days after the ride through the preserve, I would pick a beach I hadn’t seen and ride to it. I spread a blanket and sat or walked around in the surf. Captiva, Bowman’s, Bailey’s, Blind Pass, Gulfside City Park, I’ve seen them all.
This little island is a bikers’ dream. So many other tracts exist, and I’ve traveled a lot of them. There’s a trail between Middle Gulf Road and Algiers Lane which has a cemetery. There is another favorite trail running parallel with Rabbit Road connecting West Gulf Road and Sanibel-Captiva Road. These were my constants.
When I would arrive on the island, I parked my truck and didn’t start it again until I was leaving. Most evenings, I rode to the lighthouse and shelled at low tide. My first ride out always consisted of grabbing an Islander Newspaper and pulling out the tide reports. I lived by the tide. I’ve ridden across the causeway more than once. Once at sunset. The small barrier islands the causeway is built on are perfect to watch the sunsets.
My Most Recent Visit
I was there for Light Up Sanibel during the holidays last year and it was just so special. The walk/bike path down Periwinkle Way was lit up with lights and lanterns. Christmas with an island touch. I had just come from Thanksgiving on Key West and Key Largo, but Sanibel has a much different feel. This island makes you feel at home no matter where you are from.
On my last trip down, I was fortunate enough to be able to try lots of restaurants. If you’ve never been, the island doesn’t like chains of any sort. Local restaurants and businesses thrive and give Sanibel a unique charm. I can’t say enough about the fresh seafood and wonderful atmosphere of the dining I experienced. My favorites were Mud Bugs Cajun Restaurant, The Lighthouse Cafe, and The Mad Hatter.
I can’t imagine the trauma of those that stayed during Ian. My heart hurts at the loss. The loss to the island, and the residents, and everyone who keeps going back because they are tied to this special place in one way or another. I’m so thankful for the time I got to spend there. For every one of the people I met, residents and visitors alike. Sanibel and southwest Florida will rebuild, and I will be back. It will never be the same as it was but then again, I’ve learned nothing ever is.
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy my pictures. xxooC
Hi all. I appreciate every single one of you following my journey. Now I want to share a place that’s quickly becoming a favorite getaway for me. I’ve had the good fortune on multiple occasions now, to visit the Indiana Dunes. This area in North West Indiana boasts a State Park and National Park . It’s the midwest beach. I wrote about scattering some of Eric here a few months ago. Several of you have messaged me and asked about it. So I thought I would feature an article about this wonderful destination spot.
There are many reasons to love this beach. Indiana Dunes National Park has 15,000 acres and 15 miles miles of beach according to the national parks website. This beach sits on Lake Michigan a freshwater lake, so the salt of the oceans’ beaches are not a problem here. It’s closer to the midwestern states than driving south to visit the ocean and there’s plenty of sand and sun during the summer months.
Getting to The Midwest Beach
Of course I’m not telling you anything the locals here don’t already know. I’ve visited this gorgeous place since I met my late husband in 1997. But I didn’t really appreciate it until now. Now I’ve had time. Time to go and just sit whenever I want. Time to spend just enjoying it, so I wanted to share it with you.
The sunsets here are amazing. On a clear night, I can even see the Chicago skyline. But besides these highlights, there is so much more this national park has to offer. The park has 50 miles of hiking trails. This midwest beach not only offers “rugged dunes” but also boasts wetlands, prairies, rivers, and forests.
Attractions
Tucked around the park you will also find lots of local eateries. If you are looking for a place to stay while here, there are also plenty of options depending on your budget and stay requirements. The government parks website also has a page to help plan your trip according to what you want to do. Although just sitting and listening to the waves is always my favorite. So if you are looking for a quick getaway without having to drive or fly and spend tons of money, check out the midwest beach in northern Indiana. I guarantee you will love it plus, if you want to get spicy there’s always Chicago within an hours drive.
“Self love” is not to be taken as vanity. When I say self love, I mean learning to like myself. This means accepting me, my body, the imperfections, the mental states I fluctuate through, the flaws, all of it. In a previous article, I talked a little bit about learning to love myself again. After the trauma of losing my husband, I can honestly say I lost myself. Completely. I became a shell of the person I was.
Finding My Self
At first, everyone kept telling me to be kind to myself. Back then I had no idea what that meant. All I knew then was that I didn’t like myself, the world, and everything around me. I didn’t really care about myself anymore, neither physically or emotionally. Looking back, I think some of these feelings are normal. Especially at the beginning stages of grief. But they are undoubtedly destructive and traumatic.
Finding any acceptance and self love again is a process. One that can be long and complicated regardless of the circumstances which caused the loss. Also, the process can quickly become stalled or derailed for any number of reasons. Sometimes the path forward is very unclear.
As I began to travel and spend more time with myself, I realized I didn’t really know “me” at all anymore. I had to get reacquainted with things I liked doing, foods I liked eating, and so on.
How I Started Rebuilding Self Love
Below is a list of 10 things I started practicing regularly. Small things I keep coming back to. Even when I’m traveling, I try to be mindful of the small rituals. They also provide stability in my life when the world around me is changing. Each one has helped me on my journey to regain self acceptance and build my self love.
This is how I regained some self love in a few quick steps.
Set an early alarm.
Whatever time I have to get up, I set a separate, earlier alarm. This allows me reflection and relaxation time. I can lay there and enjoy a few minutes of the morning before starting my day. Sometimes I get up and look outside. Other times I lay with my eyes closed and focus on what I want to accomplish today. Most times I just use it to enjoy how good the warm bed feels. This sets the tone for the rest of the day.
Allow one indulgence every day.
This can be as simple as a favorite coffee creamer. Try a new scent in the shower. Listen to water falling or birds chirping. Can’t get outside? Here’s my quick search on Amazon Music of nature sounds to try. Stop and enjoy the smell of fresh flowers or essential oils. Pet an animal and feel the soft fur. I Indulge my senses in something that brings me joy at least once a day. The feeling stays with me and instantly puts me in a good mood.
Don’t look in the mirror too much.
Of course I need to be presentable but I don’t linger in the mirror like I did in my younger years. At first, after the trauma event, I didn’t look in the mirror at all. This was me avoiding my self care. Then I looked in the mirror too much, obsessing over what I had neglected. The road to acceptance was somewhere between getting ready, self affirming that I looked ok, then not looking again. Unless it was an occasion glance when I visited a wash room. You’ll be surprised how much your appearance starts to take a back seat to whatever else is going on for the day.
Do something that makes you feel good about your body.
Again, this is involving the senses. I purposefully do one thing, everyday that makes my body feel good. It can be taking a walk (my energy level is still low) lotioning myself (my skin is perpetually dry). At night, whitening my teeth is an occasional “feel good” thing I do after brushing and flossing. Polishing my nails with a clear coat is another big one.
Laugh.
This sounds simple and really it isn’t. Sometimes I don’t feel like laughing. Some days are just too intense. Those are the days I try hard to find something funny. The other day it was reading my daughter’s old school journals from elementary school. I try to laugh at least once a day. Maybe it’s looking through memes on social media. I have my Instagram feed set so I see funny memes and tweets. I often share them with family members when I know they will love them too. A shared laugh is always doubly sweet.
Provide service to someone else.
This one doesn’t have to be difficult unless you make it. It can be as big or as little as you are comfortable with. I have made it a habit to open doors for others. Ask if an elderly person needs help with their groceries in the parking lot. Let someone in when they are trying to merge in traffic. Simply put, make someone else’s day better.
Don’t be judgmental.
If someone else is doing something I don’t like and it’s not directly bothering me, I walk away. The energy wasted on just even thinking negative thoughts is not worth it. That energy can be used in a more positive, productive way that will make me feel better. Just don’t do it.
Eat slowly and make proper food choices.
This is a huge one for me. I struggle with food constantly. My eating habits have changed drastically in the past two years and I tend to eat very unhealthy. So when I haven’t chosen the smartest meal, I chew slowly to enjoy each bite and I leave some on the plate. Simple. It works for me. I also try not to beat myself up about what I’m eating. Tomorrow is another day to do better.
Don’t over drink alcohol.
You knew this was going to be in here somewhere. I tend to drink too much. When I do, it’s not pretty and I end up eating too much also. I start to hate myself. I feel terrible later. Both mentally and physically. Now when I think I’ve drank too much, I try to drink a LOT of water before going to sleep. And I mean a lot! But, I wouldn’t have to if I just didn’t drink so much. These are just suggestions and tips. I’m still working on this one.
End the day with gratitude.
When I’m laying in bed at night, just before I close my eyes, I try to reflect on the day. I try to find at least one thing I am grateful for in that day. Maybe it’s seeing friends and family. Sometimes it’s something I’ve experienced. Other times it’s a polite comment someone has payed me which takes me back to 6 and 7. I bought a journal (sponsored) in Florida that helped me document my goals and gratitude daily. If it helps to journal, then definitely do it. I highly recommend it.
It Really Is That Simple
So there you have it. I’ve tried to make it as simple as I can. I wanted to share the things I’ve been practicing. No, I am not a master at any of them. On certain days I find some of these are more difficult than others. I don’t do every one every day. Though again I will say, tomorrow is another day to do better. And as time flows on, I believe they’ve helped me. Finally, building self love is a journey and any progress is still progress. Baby steps.
Good luck and let me know what works for you! Do you have any suggestions for things you use?
Preface: I wrote “Surviving Loss” six months ago. It truly is a piece on reflections. Where I was then is not where I am now. In six months, I have had two celebrations of life for Eric. I have journeyed to new places I have never been before. Seen things I’ve never seen and experienced things I never thought I would. Grief is still with me but I am in a different place with it.
When I reread this, I found meaning and a message I wished to convey which is why I am posting it even though it’s a little outdated for me. I hope you get something out of it too. Thanks for reading. xxooC
I Am Surviving Loss
It’s been 21 months since my life took a distinct and dramatic turn. Surviving loss means that today I find a completely different me after a year and nine months into this new life I did not choose. I’d like to say I’ve learned a lot since my husband’s passing in June 2020. Everyone calls me strong. I hate that word and I don’t especially like hearing it. I’m not strong, I simply open my eyes everyday. It’s something that must be done because there is no other choice for me.
What Surviving Loss Taught Me
I have struggled almost daily. Grief is a weird thing. I can’t say I understand it any more than the day this journey started. The one and only thing I am absolutely sure of now is, I am still here. I find ways to go on. With surviving any loss comes guilt. That I have also learned. How I deal with the guilt is what matters. At some point if I do not make peace with it, it will destroy the rest of the time I have left here.
Loneliness is another constant struggle of surviving the loss, especially the loss of a companion. I shared meaningful time and space with someone that no longer exists. Now these memories are mine and mine alone. New memories will not erase them or their impact on my life and soul.
Time does not heal all wounds. That saying is a myth and anyone who has lost someone closest to them knows this. Time in fact does heal quite a bit though as I think it has smoothed out my memories. Time allows me to perceive things just a little bit differently. Not so painful as when the event was first experienced. What I mean by this is, I move through time after loss, the event seems further away. As I put new memories and distance between the event and now, my brain somehow begins to interact differently with the world around me becoming more engaged and less stuck. However, the curious thing is that the pain remains. The pain is ever flowing like tidal waves against the beach. Sometimes the waves are small and other days they are big. It would be so nice to have a forecast.
Finding Self
My life has changed so much since that day. As time continues to move forward, the old me becomes less and less familiar. Would he recognize me now? I don’t know, as some days I do not recognize myself. I went through a period of self hate. Grooming habits were thrown aside and became of little interest. My thought pattern was, if I didn’t like myself, I didn’t want anyone else to like me either. But others close to me still, did in fact like me, and had lots of love for me.
My wise daughter once told me I should try to look at myself through my husband’s eyes. She was so right because once I finally could do that, my perspective changed. I loved this body I was given and I didn’t really want to destroy it anymore. After these revelations, I found a bit of joy visiting with my family and I could see they really cared about me, more than I cared about myself. This felt strangely comforting. Maybe that’s more healing.
I’ve read it takes 66 days to form new habits. I’ve also found this to be somewhat true. Trying to get back into the world around me has taken much longer however, practicing one new habit for several weeks has proven to be beneficial to my emergence from paralyzing grief. The smallest of things I considered a huge accomplishment at first. I started with simply texting, no phone calls. Just reaching out to my closest friends that were there for me in the beginning.
Finding Self Love
I also started practicing more self love. This phrase made absolutely no sense to me at first but it means caring for your body. The body still has needs. Food for sustenance, bathing for cleanliness and hygiene, the mind needs stimulation. Small things that felt good and brought a moment of relief from the intense pain. It all was hard at first and I took baby steps but over time, these small gestures of self care grew into love. I think I love myself more than I ever have in my life because I’ve survived this long. After being a couple for more than two decades, I have survived on my own and that is an accomplishment I never thought I would ever see.
Surviving Continued
I don’t have the answers. I’m not a therapist or a coach. I am only sharing my story. This is my story of grief and surviving loss. Just like every individual is different, every grief story is different. No two are alike. We may share some similarities but we are all different. I believe the key is finding what works to help navigate in the world around us.
Ultimately I will never heal, only learn how to be a functioning member of society again. I don’t believe the pain and sadness will ever go away but now my goal is to balance it with good. My husband would want this for me. I want to honor him and I want his memories to live on.
If you have lost someone, talk about them. Talk about the good times, the stories, their lives. If anything, I’ve learned grief will always be a companion but it doesn’t always have to be the derailing detour it tries to be.
As some of you know, and many of you don’t, I am a HUGE fan of electronic music of all genres. I discovered an upcoming show by a DJ I like and have seen before. He was coming to my old hometown of Bloomington, Illinois. So I bought tickets. The show was this past weekend.
This show was significant only in the fact that this would be my first trip back to Bloomington since last June. This trip was going to bring me face to face with my past and future.
Every trip I made back between June 2020 (when my husband Eric died) and June 2021 was super painful. So much so I just avoided going. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Bloomington/Normal and I enjoyed every day of the year+ I lived there. But going back to the place of my trauma brought up all kinds of painful memories.
But I decided now was time. Not to confront these emotions, fears, and trauma but the time to stop running from the slightest encounter with triggers. I’ve been in avoidance mode for far too long. I really didn’t give much thought to going beforehand. Anxiety and nervousness were there though. I could feel it rising.
The past
The trip turned out to be exactly what I needed for my future growth. While there, I was reminded of a time just after his passing. I visited a retail store from my previous employment to pick up a few things. Trying to get in and out unnoticed proved unsuccessful. While chatting with a man I had spent some time on the sales floor with, he retold the story of losing his husband.
I had heard this story several times in my previous retail life but now it meant something different as I listened intently. The story was now more personal and I could feel his pain in a very different way. I was still in the first few waves of paralyzing grief. “Still in the fog” as they say. I remember, all I kept thinking was “how is he still standing here?” Then my thoughts went to “how did he get from where I am to where he is?”
So I asked. What was the turning point? His answer surprised me. He replied “I just got tired.” “Tired of feeling this” as his hand waved over his face and chest. I didn’t know what that meant at the time.
The future
Fast forward to now. A received a comment on another article of mine. A family member very close to me has also had significant loss in her life, including the loss of her spouse. His passing was shortly after my husband’s. She is still clinging to her grief. After this weekend of revisiting my past and the life I lost, I realized I am tired. Grief will always be my companion. But I’m tired of it dictating my life and my thoughts. I am tired of the physical and mental anguish. Yet I feel guilt for wanting to let go of the drowning, grief stricken feelings. Those are my badges that remind me of the deep love I still have for the souls I’ve lost.
So where do I go from here? I’ve gone from “waiting to die” to “maybe today will be good.” I made this transition purposefully and willingly. Sure the grief and trauma come back but I have developed a few tricks of my own. Grief has all kinds of surprises. I’m quite sure it has more in store for me. This trip was a win and I feel really good about it. That’s progress. xxooC
My late husband Eric was never one to have anyone to make a fuss over him. His birthdays were never a big deal. I am absolutely positive he wouldn’t want his death to be a big deal either. But yet I felt I had to do something for the community he spent half his life in. I wished I had done something sooner, but something is better than nothing. So I organized a memorial/celebration of life. Since I’ve been spreading his ashes all across the country, I thought it only fitting that he be in Shelbyville, Kentucky also. The place where he worked and spent so much time with friends and family. Where he golfed, fished, and all of the other hobbies and things people do in their lives to spend time.
The Anxiety Begins
Since the moment I picked a definitive day and formally created the event, I felt anxious. Anxious for two reasons. One that my anxiety would go off the rails and two, that the whole thing would become something he wouldn’t approve of. The goal was to honor him and remember him, not mourn him but celebrate the impact of this great person on the peoples’ lives he touched. I think he would have liked that.
As the event drew near I became unhinged. There were times I wished I had not planned this thing. My anxiety was worse than it had been in over a year. It still is, even after this is all over. I want to talk about this because I am not the only one. I know many that struggle with anxiety. The hows and the whys it rears it’s head are still a mystery to me. Unexpected and unexplained are my panic attacks.
What I Wished I Had Said
Anyway, the event came and went. After the fact, I realized that there were things I wished I had said. Anxiety had me paralyzed leading up to the whole thing. In the moment, I didn’t really say anything about him. So here it is. Eric was a great human being. Only after his passing did I realize what an impact he made on so many. I still hear stories about things I knew nothing about. To me he was just Eric. My husband. My hero, my cheerleader, my partner, my companion. As with most couples, we argued, we grew as individuals together as well as growing as a couple together.
Our lives changed but we seemed to thrive on change. Stagnation was our weak point. Eric was insecure about himself. He didn’t see himself as a leader yet he challenged people to be better. He was the biggest asshole I know but he was so funny when he was. Most days he acted like he didn’t have a care in the world but he worried about everything. To the point he had problems sleeping. This is the man I knew. He was human, an inspiration.
Afterthoughts
I know he meant a lot, to a lot of people. I think we all have it in us. That spark that lights up someone else. Just when you think no one is looking they are and you just might be someone else’s inspiration, hero, role model, teacher, friend and not even know it. Even in death he has challenged me to think about what people will say about me when I’m gone. I hope I live up to the challenge.
I’ve experienced more loss in the past two years than I have my entire life. I am quite sure other folks have had much more than me so I am in no way saying I am special. But with the passing of Lucy, I was able to watch her go. I’ve been preparing for it for a while. Something I didn’t get to do with the other losses in my life. I’ve written about trauma and I believe being present is a special kind of trauma. One that hits hard and shakes to the soul. Losing is one thing, watching the loss was something altogether different for me.
Somehow though, processing this loss has been easier which leads me to the question, am I stuck on the other loss because of the circumstance surrounding the passing? I would love some feedback from others that have had to prepare for a loved one’s passing and were there when it happened. Was the event so traumatic that it alone was hard to recover or did watching the process and preparation make it easier to accept and recover. And please, when I say “recover” I use that term loosely. Recover just means to return to a somewhat normal existence on the surface. Functioning I suppose.
Next Comes Lost
I’ve said before. Loss is loss and everyone experiences and reacts differently. No one’s experience is right or wrong. I also believe there is no time limit for feelings and emotions. They last as long as they last. I know I’ve somewhat learned to live again, and on the outside I may look like I’ve moved on. My insides say differently. I still get waves of the gut punch and the breathlessness when I think about the life I had, the life I should have, and what will never be.
I visited my doctor recently who is a deeply spiritual man. He looked me in the eyes and told me the only way through grief is through service. Only then will I appreciate what I have now and see past my loss. Those were wise words that I already kind of knew, but hearing them solidified that. I have had the opportunity to do small things since my journey into grief and mourning started and the feeling I felt was indescribable. My doctor also said to make sure I was living a life that honored my husband. A life in which he would still be proud to call me his wife. That hit home. I’ve been lost. A lot. Spiritually and physically.
Finally Hope
So now I’m thinking, maybe I’m getting better at handling loss. With that I mean, maybe I am developing instincts and ways to cope and deal and possibly block out the super painful things that I can’t deal with again. That’s a scary thought. I’ve read and heard of individuals living with PTSD whom never discuss their pain and trauma. Like veterans and refugees. It’s called trauma denial. Some things are just too horrific and the brain will try to forget and not deal with them.
Life is a journey. I never thought mine would lead me here. Something helpful from a previous job, I do try to practice gratitude everyday. I am thankful for the people and family I still have. I am thankful for the things that bring me joy each day. When I lay my head down or wake up in the morning, I know a full day is not promised.
I am hopeful as I continue down this path that there is a place for me somewhere on this earth. Somewhere where once again I can call it mine, and it feels like home. Until then I will continue to wander and do the things that I’ve always wanted that make me smile. Thanks for reading xxooC
July 2002 was extra special. That was the year my kitty love Lucy was born. And, the month we met. My in-laws had a pay lake out in Waddy, Kentucky. My father-in-law called me a few days after my birthday. He asked if I wanted a kitten that had been orphaned. She was feral and living in the chicken coop on the feed. He caught her in a box trap. I sent my husband to get her. She arrived in a small dog crate. She was very tiny and fit in the palm of my hand. I grabbed her by her scruff and gave her a bath. I removed the fleas I could find and then wrapped her in a towel. She was mine ever since. I named her Lucy. Not for any particular reason other than she just looked like a Lucy.
There was nothing special about this little calico kitten. She was every color a cat could come. Lucy had one leg that was tiger striped. Some gray and black striping, and some white as well. I remember all I wanted was for her to sit with me but all Lucy wanted to do was run and be a kitten. She was curious about everything. Sun loving, always finding the warm spot in the house to catch a nap.
The Early Years
Somewhere around the middle of her life, she calmed down a bit. She was showing that she wanted to be next to me. Her gestures to “pet me, pet me” were heard loud and clear. From 2007-2009 I earned an online degree from home and she was my constant companion every single day. We spent many days together as she laid next to me while I would read, write, and learn. Then Lucy started sleeping with me. The favorite snuggle spots would change now and then, and for a while it was on my head, then on my waist. Sometimes she would tuck herself up against me. Other times she would sleep between the pillows.
Lucy loved to go outside and lay in the sun. She loved to eat grass. She talked, a lot. Not only to me but to others she liked. We developed our own language. Her intentions were clear when she wanted to convey love. There were moments we would just look at each other in acknowledgment of our existence and our connection. She was a soul mate. Not everyone can have a bond with an animal.
To look into another animal’s eyes and feel a connection, we understood each other. She would show me she loves me back by laying her head on me. She showed me by laying her paws on me. By wanting to be with me, by wanting to touch me and be touched. By constantly talking to me. In the end, she was very clear about her wants and needs both physical and emotional.
Defying The Odds
Then in 2016 she lost a lot of weight. In her glory days when she was healthy, she topped out at 13.5 lbs. She was now down to 9 lbs. Lucy had hyperthyroidism and was put on medication. After starting medication she gained some weight back. Finally in 2017 we received another diagnosis, this time it was lymphoma. The vet gave her 90 days to live. She defied that like she did with so many other things.
Lucy maintained well on her own until the end of last year. Mobility became a struggle. As her medication increased and her physical limitations grew, I decided she needed constant care. I started taking her on my journeys, under vet supervision of course. She seemed happier and we spent a lot of time together. But I knew our time was limited and I could be saying goodbye to her on the road somewhere.
Goodbye My Love
On August 8 at around 12:15pm, Lucy took her last breathes here on this earth. Her body had been failing her for some time. The whole transition was quick. She let me know that morning there was something wrong and it was time. Although I somehow knew this as she hadn’t eaten since the day before. I held her until she left and then a little longer. Before she left me though, I told her everything I always repeated to her and everything I had been preparing to say up until then.
“I love you. You are my soul mate. If you can come back, please find me. I’ll love you until the day I die and beyond. You were the best kitty in the whole wide world. No one will ever love you as much as I do. I love you most of all and you have been a huge comfort and a loving companion. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for loving me back. I’ll miss you but I know you must go. Don’t be afraid. It’s ok to go. Go to Papa. I’ll be ok. I’m here until the end. I love you.”
And with that, the animal love of my life passed to meet her Papa waiting for her on the other side.
Thank you all for accompanying us on this final journey. I love you all. xxooC
It wasn’t until I was coping with uncontrollable physical and mental situations that I was able to distinguish the two. So I did what anyone would do and I went to the doctor. Usually when I would hear of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I would think of service people or victims of natural disasters. I was really surprised when I was diagnosed with PTSD and complicated grief. Neither of which I understood at the time. Then throw in generalized anxiety disorder to this mess for a distressing, no end in sight, anguish.
My PTSD caused me to become stuck. Stuck in only what I can describe as an obsessive thought process. My image kept playing over in my mind on repeat. I was helpless to stop it, to process it, to understand it. This compounded my anxiety which crippled me in the beginning. I knew I needed professional help but who and what was beyond my comprehension. Then one day, while I was at the med spa of all places, my nurse practitioner was working on me and mentioned she knew of a licensed therapist practicing EMDR therapy.
EMDR for Trauma
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Yeah, that’s a mouthful. But basically what this therapy does, is it uses rapid eye movements similar to REM sleep patterns to help the brain reprocess memories and work through them. EMDR uses both sides of the brain. Has it helped? Well, yes and no. Reprocessing is not immediate. It takes time to work through. Afterwards though, my brain is no longer stuck. The once devastating memory holds little power over me. After EMDR therapy is when I was able to start traveling. So that was good, but my body and mind remain damaged. Damaged by the trauma I endured during the event which caused this image in the first place.
My Experience and My Discovery
What I didn’t understand at first is that grief and trauma are completely different things. Each requires a level of processing and therapy that don’t necessarily go together. As often the case with medicine these days, I have become my own advocate. My experience with each has opened my eyes. I carry each with me daily. How I deal with each is different. Understanding this is half the battle for me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to leave one or both behind but I doubt it. I do have hope that one day I will be able to cope with them better today than I did yesterday.
Have you had EMDR or are curious about it? Let’s talk!
While on my second visit to this wildly adventurous state, I took a horseback ride through the mountains. It’s been a minute since I took this trip to Colorado but I’ve been wanting to tell you about it. I’ll begin by saying I had no idea what I was in for which is usually how my best adventures start. I accompanied a group on this horseback ride which made the day even more exciting.
We used Mt. Princeton Hot Springs Stables in Nathrop. I can not say enough great things about this stable. I highly recommend booking a horseback ride with them if you are ever in the area. The horses are well cared for and the experience was stellar, both times. Check out this about me if you want to know more.
A Horse Named Maverick
We booked the 3/4 day waterfall trail ride this day. In the beginning I was a little intimidated because first, I’ve never ridden a horse for that long. Second, this was my only my second time on a horse in over 20 years. Luckily, I had just went on a sunset ride a couple of months prior and requested the same horse. Which I got, thankfully. Maverick was his name and he was steady, and sure footed. Previously, on my first ride with him, the stables warned me he would take his own path and wow, they were correct.
The morning began as an overcast day. We all met at a trail head where we mounted up. As we rode up one mountain and around to the next, through water and rocky hills, the clouds began to burn off. By the time we arrived at the waterfall, the sun was shining and the day was perfect.
Maverick blazed his own trail and made this horseback ride extra adventurous for me. At one point, the trail narrowed. There was a boulder blocking half of it. After Maverick stopped and surveyed the path, he jumped up and onto the boulder. Then he leapt over it while the other horses went around. Typically the horses would just follow in the footsteps of the horse in front of them but not him. Maverick would carefully survey the trail and choose the best path he wanted to take.
Afterglow
Lastly, I’ll just drop some more photos a couple of videos here at the bottom. This whole day was a surreal experience and I’m grateful for it as it left an impression on my soul. I loved everything from the magnificent views, the endless excitement, and just absorbing being out in nature. I’ve discovered a passion for experiencing remote places where few have gone before. Also this ride rekindled my love of horses. Maverick has a special place in my heart. I hope I get to ride him again someday.
I’ll say it again, if you ever find yourself in or around Mt. Princeton, Buena Vista area of Colorado, be sure to add a horseback ride to your to-do list. So whether you have never been on a horse or you’re a seasoned rider, I promise you won’t regret it!
I’ve never been the one for speaking up for myself. I admit, I’m a people pleaser. In my childhood I dared not speak my mind. This action always met with fierce condemnation. Therefore I learned quickly not to speak up for myself. This carried into my adolescent and adult life. There were a few rare occasions where I actually did say what I was thinking. When this did happen, I remember pride mixed with astonishment in myself. I was always in awe of the people around me who could easily just snark or put their thoughts out there. In therapy, I discovered these are all learned behaviors. Unlearning a lifetime of unproductive behaviors is difficult. We teach people how to treat us. I also discovered that by not speaking up but staying silent, I am allowing myself to be treated differently than I want.
Now mix grief into this. I thought feeling hopeless would give me courage. It did in some areas of my life but curiously not in this one. I used to watch my husband. He would say something in a room full of people just to watch everyone get triggered and then leave before someone’s head exploded. “This was an art” I often thought. I could never be so bold. Grief however has definitely emboldened me, but not always in the best ways.
Fear with Anxiety
There was a time I was highly self destructive. In this journey I’ve also been highly creative. The real work on myself began in the midst of this trauma. Anxiety disorder is something that comes and goes in my life. Before the past two years, I really hadn’t dealt with it to the extent I have now. With anxiety comes fear. I realized an irrational fear of abandonment is something I’ve had my entire life. Now to actually be abandoned through no one’s fault. Well that has made this fear a reality and that is the cornerstone of where I am today. I know this but I don’t know how to deal with it but I’m learning.
Confronting Fears
Reconnecting for me continues to be difficult. Grief sets new boundaries but knowing one’s boundaries is important. Reinforcing the boundaries set is even more challenging. I had a conversation the other day with a very good friend about this topic. We both knew it and thus we both understood it completely. Talking about it is easy. Putting what I know into practice is something else altogether. Speaking up for myself, through setting and enforcing personal boundaries makes me confront my fears. Fear of ridicule, fear of abandonment by someone who doesn’t want to respect my boundaries. Fear of disappointing, and fear of confrontation.
Speaking Up with Love
So I constantly ask myself the question, “what have I got to lose?” The answer is nothing and I have to remind myself of that. I truly believe we get what we put out into the world. Someone once said to me, if something is said or done with love then it is never bad. My resolution to myself is to walk in love. I choose to love myself hoping that reinforcing my personal boundaries out of love for myself will continue to bring positivity into my life. Those that understand this may stay. Those that don’t may leave.
Do you struggle with personal boundaries? What irrational fears have you experienced? I want to hear from you. xxooC
