All posts by The Blue Widow

Hi there, welcome to my site. I’ve been on a journey to find myself and my soul again since summer of 2020. Moving past grief is a strange thing and two steps forward can lead to three steps back. I grew up in Kentucky but now I’m traveling most of the time. I have a 20 year old cat named Lucy that has become very needy in her late years. She is my constant companion. There you have the basics. Oh, and I usually don’t edit my photos unless I have to. Feel free to read, comment, ask questions, and connect.
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Setting Healthy Boundaries: Tips for Maintaining Good Health

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The Importance of Setting Healthy Boundaries

Hello all, my days have been busy, to say the least. Between work and house chores, my publishing business takes up any free time I have left. Whereas, I’m in the process of writing a non-fiction manuscript about identifying and healing from toxic relationships with a focus on intergenerational trauma. It will cover how to spot a narcissist, what traits to look for, what effects these relationships have on us, and most importantly, how to heal. I’ll reveal more about this as I get closer to publishing, but for now, I want to talk about something closely related. It’s something near and dear to my heart: how to set healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are essential to maintaining good mental and emotional health. Boundaries are the guidelines you establish for yourself and others on what is acceptable and what is not. While they help you communicate your needs and values, they also protect you from being overwhelmed and taken advantage of by others. Whereas I struggle with setting boundaries and often allow those closest to me to go beyond what I am comfortable with in their actions and words.

Identify Your Boundaries

Here, are some tips I’m working on to create healthy boundaries in my life. Certainly, I felt I was not the only one struggling, so let’s get to it. The first is to Identify Your Boundaries. Specifically take a moment to reflect on your values, needs, and preferences. What are the things that make you uncomfortable or stressed? What are the things that you value the most in your life? Knowing your boundaries will help you communicate them better to others.

Communicating Your Boundaries to Others

Once you’ve identified what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable, the next step is Communicating Your Boundaries to others. Be clear and assertive about what you need and want. Don’t be afraid to say no or to ask for what you need.

Enforcing Your Boundaries

The third step is the hardest for me. It is Being Consistent with enforcing your boundaries. Consistency is essential when it comes to setting healthy boundaries. Stick to your boundaries, even if it initially feels uncomfortable or difficult. Over time, others will respect your boundaries and adjust their behavior accordingly.

Fourth, and I mention this often in my writing, Practice Self Care. Taking care of yourself is essential for maintaining healthy boundaries. Make sure to prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. Take breaks when necessary, practice relaxation techniques, and seek support when necessary.

Final Thoughts

Lastly, when I was researching this article, a final step was mentioned. The fifth step was to be flexible. I can’t entirely agree with this. However, I suggest never compromising on who you are and the boundaries you set, no matter who gets upset or demanding. Your boundaries are yours to keep you safe. There is no room for negotiation, ever.

My final words to you are this: setting and enforcing healthy boundaries can be challenging; however, it’s essential for maintaining good mental and emotional health. I wish I had discovered earlier in life, but hey, it’s never too late to start something new that can tremendously benefit your well-being. By identifying your boundaries, communicating them clearly, and practicing self-care, you can establish healthy relationships and live a more fulfilling life.

If you would like more info on this subject, click here to go to PositivePsychology.com. You will find an in-depth article relating this subject to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Thanks for reading. I love you all –xxooC

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(Pt 2) Overthinking: How to Stop Overthinking

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Yes, You Can Stop Overthinking

In Part 1 we discussed what Overthinking is, what it is not, and how it affects our daily lives. By recognizing the factors that cause us to overthink, we can practice the positive habits we’ll discuss in this article. It is possible to stop overthinking and it is a habit we can break. There are many strategies you can use to manage it and stop overthinking from controlling your life. Here I’ll discuss some techniques, and break down how they can be effective.

Mindfulness and Meditation Practices

First, we’ll start with mindfulness. This is a meditation technique that involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. I have used it a lot in coping with my anxieties and mental health during the grieving process. Mindfulness helps me be in the moment and center my thoughts. Practicing mindfulness allows you to be present with your feelings and apply yourself to them. In this practice, you can evolve a more balanced perspective and reduce the amount of overthinking. If you would like to explore this topic further, click here to take you to Mindful.org to learn more about this subject.

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Meditation is an art form and can help stop overthinking. There are many different types of meditation, but for this conclusion, we will submit that meditation is on individuality, self-help, and preservation. Each of these can involve focusing your attention on a particular object, thought, or activity to achieve a state of relaxation and mental clarity. By practicing meditation, one can learn to quiet your mind and reduce the impact of overthinking. If you would like more info on how to get started with meditation practices in general, click here to go to Mindful.org’s meditation for beginners’ page.

Behavioral Therapy, Gratitude, and Exercise

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a well-known practice that focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. CBT can help you identify and challenge negative thought patterns and develop positive and realistic ones. This can be particularly effective in managing overthinking. If you would like to explore this topic further, click here to take you to an overview at Mayoclinic.org to learn more.

Practicing gratitude is another way to combat overthinking. It took me a while to understand precisely what gratitude is. Think of all the things in your life that are important to you. Please focus on the positive aspects of your life and express appreciation for them. By developing a daily gratitude practice, we can shift focus away from negative thoughts and develop a more positive outlook on the human race and humanity.

Let’s not forget how important exercise can be in every aspect of life. Exercise is an effective way to manage overthinking. It releases endorphins, improving mood and reducing stress. Exercise can also provide a welcome distraction from negative thoughts. The correct exercise plan can help you develop a positive outlook. 

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By incorporating these techniques into your daily routine, you can learn to manage overthinking and prevent it from controlling your life.

Specific Types of Overthinking

While the techniques discussed previously can effectively manage overthinking, it’s also essential to develop strategies for overcoming specific types of overthinking. Here I’ll discuss the different types of situations that can cause overthinking as well as some strategies for managing:

Social and Relationship

Social overthinking involves worrying about how you’re perceived by others or obsessing over social situations. To manage social overthinking: 1. Focus on the present moment and engage in the conversation or activity. 2. Practice active listening. When you have questions, ask them to show interest in the conversation. 3. Remember that everyone is human and makes mistakes. Try to let go of the need for perfection in social situations.

Relationship overthinking involves obsessing over your romantic relationships or friendships. To manage relationship overthinking: 1. Communication is vital to opening everything. Communicate and openly share your concerns with your partner, friend, or anyone else. 2. Practice active listening. There will be a question, and then try to understand their perspective. 3. Remember that all relationships have ups and downs. Try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. 

Career and Creative

Career overthinking involves obsessing over career decisions or job performance. To manage career overthinking: 1. Try to focus on the present moment and the tasks at hand. 2. Set achievable goals for yourself and celebrate your accomplishments along the way. 3. I’ve always said that my mistakes are a natural part of the learning process, and I view them as opportunities for growth. This is a constructive way to view a mistake. Take ownership and grow from the experience.

Creative overthinking involves obsessing over the creative process or the quality of your work. To manage creative overthinking: 1. Try to focus on the process rather than the end result. 2. Allow yourself to experiment, make mistakes, and view them as opportunities for growth. 3. Remember, creativity is a journey. Try to enjoy the process rather than obsess over the outcome.

Conclusion

By developing strategies for managing specific types of overthinking, you can learn to overcome this habit and live a more peaceful, fulfilling life. Remember that breaking the cycle of overthinking can take time and effort. But with persistence and dedication, it is possible.

Thanks for reading. Let me know your experiences with overthinking.

Love you all–xxooC

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(Pt 1) Overthinking: What is it and Causes

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Is Overthinking Real?

When I was younger, I didn’t notice my intrusive, self-doubting thoughts. It was when I opened my business at the age of 28. The thoughts were always there but suddenly became very prominent. On the way home from work most days, I used to go through everything I did and said. I spent hours wondering what the repercussions would be and if I did or said something wrong that would ultimately affect the business. Oh, and then it didn’t stop there.

In my early thirties, these thoughts just became a way of life. I was constantly doubting myself. My mind would always go through different scenarios before making any decision. I always wondered what I could have done or said differently. I wanted to stop overthinking, but how? Back then, causes of overthinking weren’t well understood, and, hell, I had no idea what was going on with me. It wasn’t until much later that I discovered there is a name for this type of thinking. It is called “overthinking.”

Now with all of the different thoughts, emotions, and subsequent effects of widowhood, I’ve found myself right back in that place of overthinking. So let’s take a look at what are the causes of overthinking.

What is Overthinking?

Do you constantly over analyze every situation, replay conversations, and worry about the future? Do you struggle to make decisions because you’re afraid of making the wrong one? If so, you might be an overthinker like me. Overthinking is a common problem. It affects many people and can significantly impact mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

According to research, (you can read more here at the ClevelandClinic.org) overthinking is classified as a disorder, but it is not a mental illness. Overthinking is characterized by excessive thoughts and worries, often about things out of our control. All of these thoughts and worries can lead to anxiety, stress, and depression. It can even affect our relationships and careers. In today’s fast-paced world, so many things compete for our attention that sometimes it’s natural to get caught up in our thoughts and lose sight of what’s important.

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The good news is that today, there are ways to overcome the causes of overthinking and live a more peaceful, fulfilling life. By understanding the causes of overthinking and learning how to manage it, you, too, can regain control of your thoughts and emotions. In this article, I will explore what overthinking is and its causes. So let’s get started!

The Causes of Overthinking 

Overthinking is caused by a variety of factors, which include anxiety, perfectionism, lack of confidence, and past traumas or negative experiences. At first, mine was a combination of stress, perfectionism, and a lack of confidence in my new role as an entrepreneur. Understanding the root cause of your overthinking can help you develop strategies to manage and prevent it from controlling your life. Now let’s explore some causes of Overthinking.

Anxiety and worry are one of the most common causes of overthinking. Believe me, when I say as a new entrepreneur and a new competing business, I had significant anxiety and worry. The one thing I didn’t know is that all of this stress and anxiety would manifest itself in a very physical way.

During this time, I developed panic attacks and subsequently took medication to help control these. I wish I had known then what I know now. When anxious, our thoughts can spiral out of control, leading to excessive worrying and rumination. We may find ourselves obsessing over worst-case scenarios or replaying past events. If you struggle with anxiety, it’s important to seek help to learn strategies to manage it. 

Perfectionism and Low Self Esteem

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Another cause is perfectionism. This is because perfectionists often struggle with overthinking because they set impossibly high standards for themselves. Again, this was me….they may worry about making mistakes or not meeting their own expectations, leading to excessive self-criticism and rumination. Accepting imperfection and setting realistic goals can help overcome this type of overthinking. 

If you struggle with low self-esteem or need more confidence, you may be overthinking social situations or second-guessing your decisions because of lack of confidence. I stress and overthink everything until I become confident in any new role. This type of overthinking can be particularly damaging because it can reinforce negative self-talk and lead to a cycle of self-doubt. Building self-confidence through positive self-talk and self-care can help break this cycle. 

Trauma and Negative Experiences Link

Up to this point, we’ve discussed the controllable elements that cause overthinking. There are elements we can not control. These are past traumas and/or negative experiences. If you’ve experienced a traumatic event or a difficult period in your life, you may find yourself constantly replaying the events in your mind, leading to anxiety and depression. Seeking help to process and work through these experiences can help you move forward and prevent overthinking.

The Effects of Overthinking 

As I said earlier, overthinking can significantly impact our mental, emotional, and physical health. Understanding the effects of overthinking can motivate us to take action to manage it. 

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Physical symptoms caused by overthinking, includes headaches, muscle tension, and fatigue. Sometimes, everything can affect our sleep, leading to insomnia or disrupted sleep patterns. When we overthink, our bodies become stressed. This can have long-term health consequences.

When we overthink things, it can lead to a range of negative emotions. These negative emotions can include anxiety, worry, and fear. When we allow it, overthinking can lead to sadness, hopelessness, and despair. Often we focus on the negative aspects of a situation, which can create a self-perpetuating cycle of negative emotions. 

Overthinking can affect cognitive function, thus making it difficult to concentrate and make decisions. Sometimes, it can also lead to decreased productivity and creativity. When we overthink, our mind is consumed with worry and rumination, which leaves little room for other thoughts or ideas. 

Finally, overthinking can also affect our relationships with others. It can lead to social anxiety or a fear of rejection, making it difficult to connect with others. Quickly and without warning, overthinking can lead to misunderstandings or miscommunications. This is because we put too much meaning into understanding the intended statements or questions.

Conclusion of Part 1

In the next article, I’ll discuss the many different types of overthinking which have been identified. I’ll also talk about ways to combat overthinking and take control of your life. I will provide the tools and techniques to start living the life you deserve. See you soon. Thanks for reading –xxooC

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Seasonal Affective Disorder: The Science You Need To Know

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Sometimes, I say to myself: “I really hate Winter.” In actuality, it’s not Winter that I hate. The mood change that I associate with Winter is what I dislike the most, and I’m finding that I am not the only one. As the days get shorter and the weather turns colder, many people find themselves experiencing a dip in their mood and energy levels. This feeling is a common phenomenon called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). In this article, I’ll discuss the science behind SAD and provide tips for managing its symptoms.

What is Seasonal Affective Disorder Anyway?

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression. It typically occurs during the fall and winter months. While the exact cause of SAD is unknown, researchers believe it may be related to the reduced amount of sunlight during these months. I find the darkest days the hardest. When we have several in a row, I start to get down. The reason for this is that this reduction in sunlight can disrupt our circadian rhythms and decrease the production of serotonin. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that regulates mood.

Symptoms of SAD

The symptoms of SAD vary by individual, but common signs include:

  • Low mood or feelings of hopelessness
  • Fatigue and lack of energy
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Increased appetite and weight gain
  • Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Social withdrawal

Managing SAD

While there is no cure for SAD, there are several strategies that can help manage its symptoms. Here are some tips that have helped me:

  • Get outside: Even on cloudy days, being outdoors can help increase your exposure to natural light, improving your mood and energy levels. Through routine blood tests, I have found that my vitamin D decreases in the Winter. Getting outside helps my overall mood.
  • Light therapy: Light therapy involves sitting in front of a special light box which emits bright light that mimics natural sunlight. This therapy can help regulate your circadian rhythms and improve your mood. I still need to do this, but I am researching it.
  • Exercise: We all know regular exercise can help boost your mood and energy levels. The goal is to aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise each day. I’ve incorporated 30 minutes of walking as my exercise portion of my 30-30-30 plan. If you want more info on this plan, click the link.
  • Connect with others: Social support is essential for managing SAD. Make time for friends and family, or consider joining a support group. I have anxiety, especially about talking on the phone. I find that just reaching out by chat or text is hugely uplifting. You can read more about my personal disorders and journey here.
  • Talk to a professional: If your symptoms are severe, consider talking to a mental health professional. If one is not available, consider your primary care provider. They can help you develop a treatment plan that works for you. I, myself, have embraced seeing a therapist once again. If this option is available to you, I highly recommend it.

Final Thoughts

Finally, Seasonal Affective Disorder is a common condition that can be managed with the right strategies. I’m still learning about it; however, I wanted to bring awareness as we enter mid-winter, as this is when it affects me most. So the next time you feel blah about the weather and Winter, remember my tips. By getting outside, using light therapy, exercising, connecting with others, and seeking professional help, you can improve your mood and energy levels during the fall and winter months.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

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Personal Growth: Beyond Resolutions

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Personal Growth

I used to set out in the new year and have some grand plans to change a lot in my life. Then Spring time would come and either I had fallen away from the plans or they weren’t sustainable in my approach. Now I’m learning that an alternative approach to personal growth goes beyond resolutions and can lead to more meaningful and lasting change.

The start of a new year is an opportunity for a fresh start, and a chance to set new resolutions. However, despite the best intentions, many of us struggle to stick to these resolutions and end up feeling defeated. The problem with traditional New Year’s resolutions is that they often lack specificity, set unrealistic expectations, and have an all-or-nothing mentality.

The Problem with Resolutions

Resolutions fail when they lack specificity and a clear plan for achievement. Stating “I want to lose weight” without setting SMART goals or a roadmap for success is a common pitfall. Unrealistic expectations often result in disappointment and loss of motivation.

I used to pursue perfection, often feeling defeated by the slightest misstep. Embracing an all-or-nothing mindset proved detrimental, as a single mistake would derail my entire goal. Moreover, I’ve always been impatient, especially with endeavors that require time. I’ve come to realize that personal growth is a gradual journey, not an overnight transformation. Focusing solely on the outcome caused me to overlook my progress and feel disheartened by the lack of immediate results.

The Alternative Approach to Personal Growth

A more effective approach to personal growth is to focus on processes instead of outcomes. Additionally, focus on changing behavior. Do this by setting small, achievable goals backed by a specific action plan. I like SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-Bound) goals. They help me map out a process and plan to get to my goal.

By focusing on the process, we can celebrate small wins along the way. We build momentum towards our larger goals while being kind to ourselves and emphasizing growth over perfection. By accepting that progress is not always linear, we can be more forgiving of ourselves and learn from our mistakes.

Practical Tips for Reimagining Your Approach

For myself, resolutions and personal growth plans aren’t just straightforward anymore. Before, I used to just make one profound goal with little thought or regard for what the process entailed. Now I focus more on what the result will look like in my life. How will this new goal benefit me once I’ve started new habits and ultimately achieved my end goal?

To reimagine your approach to personal growth, start by reflecting on the past year and identifying areas for growth. Then, set intentions instead of resolutions. Intentions are more flexible and allow for progress in small steps. Then, create a plan for achieving your intentions and track your progress tangibly and visibly to stay motivated. Celebrate small wins and recognize that personal growth is a journey, not a destination.

Conclusion

In conclusion, traditional New Year’s resolutions often fail because they are too broad, lack specificity, and set unrealistic expectations. An alternative approach that focuses on processes setting small and achievable goals and emphasizing growth over perfection can lead to more meaningful and lasting change. By reimagining your approach to personal growth, you can create a plan that works for you and celebrate small wins along the way. So, this year, ditch the resolutions and try a new approach to personal growth.

I’ve written my list. What’s yours?

Thanks for reading! Good luck in the new year with all you wish to accomplish. –xxooC

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Don’t Fear Change: Embrace Starting Something New

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Fear of Change

New can be scary. In my years as a manager, I’ve learned that some people don’t like change. Those people will always stay stagnant until and unless circumstances push them to move outside their comfort zone and do something different. Willing or unwilling, change only happens in the uncomfortable zone, but, there’s no reason to fear change.

Sometimes change can be good. It doesn’t always have to be scary; it can be exhilarating at best and personal growth at the very least. In that growth, we learn about ourselves. What we want, don’t like, will, and will not tolerate. We know a path forward.

I’ve had more change in the past three years than I ever wanted or imagined could happen. More is to come, and I’ll talk about that another time, but for now, some of the changes are still leaving my head spinning. I am still trying to process and absorb what’s happened. While some of it was good, some was also bad. This led me to question how well I embrace change and whether it is something I can thrive with.

Choosing the Right Road

Change will ultimately go one of two ways. It will encourage self-growth and development or shut us down and put us in a defeated mindset. We choose which road to take and how the change will affect us.

In change, no matter the circumstances, we can use the opportunity to learn a new skill. Accepting change can give help gain better knowledge of ourselves and in turn, to become more self-aware of managing stress and change, and overcome self-doubt. We don’t need to fear change.

When I lost my husband, I didn’t know how I would survive. But I did, and I am still here. I learned many things about the world and myself. Time doesn’t stop for me, nor does it stop for anyone. In this constant, I have learned that this situation is only temporary. Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to do something different. My wise daughter taught me this.

Learning New Skills

Over the past three years, I have met many individuals I believe spirit has put in my path. They were put there for me to learn and to guide me. Not too much thought is given to change anymore. I don’t fear change as much as I once did. I have become accustomed to it, although I know how hard it can be to accept and even embrace it if you’ve lived a life with little change because that was me not too long ago.

When confronted with either desired or undesired change, the only real thing we can do is accept it. Embrace it for what it is and move forward. I suggest internalizing it and then releasing the fear. Understand where your fear is coming from. Break the fear down to exactly why it is there. Then, reach inside and figure out a plan.

I realize this process doesn’t happen overnight, and all of this takes time. For me, it took many months and three years into my husband’s passing; I’m still processing, planning, reassessing, and analyzing. Through all of this, I focus on the positives. Keeping a gratitude journal has been extremely helpful, as it has connected me with those with whom I have a commonality. Unfortunately, this has also meant leaving some behind and cutting them out of my life. This is because they no longer benefit the new me. They changed me. In change are some harsh realities. Those who do not support your growth and your vision don’t deserve access to you. Read that again. Those who do not keep your growth and your eye don’t deserve access to you. My wise daughter taught me that.

Overcoming Fear and Celebrating Victories

The first step is to realize that change is either coming or needed. Don’t fear change, as change is growth. Once you are ready for the change ahead, set small goals for yourself. For some, it’s easier to write things down; sometimes, I do that. Other times, I go all in and do as much as possible, as quickly as possible, and then take a break. No matter how you approach change, it is okay and entirely up to the individual.

Most of it is your support system. I only made it through the past three years with mine. Your people will be there for you. It may just be one person at a particular time. I had a tiny circle at first. Then it broadened, and then it shrunk again. You choose your comfort level. When you feel like you are spending too much energy and not getting anything in return, analyze your connections and adjust accordingly. I’m going to be blunt and say some people are emotional vampires, and they will prey on the vulnerable. It’s okay to say no, and it’s self-preservation to cut people who are not productive to your growth out of your life.

You will have both small and large victories. Celebrate them. Each of them is a moment of accomplishment to be cherished and recognized. You are a growing and changing being; you deserve respect, support, and recognition. Be your advocate and take charge of what you need. Give yourself permission to reward yourself on a job well done when embracing change.

Keeping a Positive Attitude

So, what happens when things don’t go as planned? There will be days when you feel you take one step forward and two steps back. This is life, and this is normal. Persevering keeps us moving forward. Sure, there will be days you feel like giving up. It took me some time before and after my husband passed to be able to allow myself to take days off. The mental struggle was real.

We all want to feel productive, but we also must focus on our mental and physical well-being. Sometimes, we have to stop and say no to everything. That’s okay, too. Nowadays, it’s called taking a mental health day, although I have always called it a “me” day. I close myself in and do what I want. It could be a hot shower and a nap or reading all day. Sometimes, I binge-watch a TV show; other times, I sit outside, weather permitting. However you choose is okay. You don’t have to explain it to anyone.

With success also comes failure. Failure at times, is simply part of the process. Change instigates movement and not all movement is going to be positive. The critical thing to remember is tomorrow is another day. It’s another day to do something different. Remember that phrase; it has gotten me through the best and the worst of times but mostly the worst.

There’s Always Tomorrow

The critical piece is focusing on the end goal. Understanding you are in the midst of change and embracing all that comes with it. Stay positive, and stay focused. Rely on your support system. If that isn’t working, find another, even if it’s therapy. My family staged an intervention at one point and sent me to a therapist. My support system could no longer handle my change. So accept the suggestions and keep moving forward.

Starting something new doesn’t have to be scary, although it most often is. If you begin to embrace stepping out of your comfort zone, you may grow beyond your dreams, and then you get to make new, greater ones. The journey is as important as the destination, so be mindful of what happens during the process. This will better prepare you for the next trip and then the next. Change is a catalyst for self-growth. You can be as great as you want. It’s all how you interpret it to be.

Thanks for reading. I love you all –xxooC

Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Reflections of the New Year: Navigating Uncharted Waters

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The New Year

Welcome to the New Year. I hate social media, yet we live there, don’t we? Today I was reminded of a New Year past, from 2019—such a bittersweet memory with my husband. Nothing could touch us. We were on top of the world. Both of us were in a new position and a new house. We had a new community, and new friends with nothing but the world in front of us. Then, just as quickly as it came, it ended.

As with every new year, we envision something different. Some change that awaits us on the new horizon. I still have these same thoughts. Just as with all the New Year’s past, I too had hopes and dreams. Some of them may materialize, and others may dissipate into the wind. Expectations just boil down to what we are willing to work for and accept.

What Is The NOW?

My life is dictated. I have taken on a quest of responsibility. It is entirely by choice, yet it does dictate what I do. I am at peace with this decision, however often, I look to the future and what can be now and what can be.

As I continue into uncharted waters and things I had no idea I would encounter, I am reminded that the fog is lifting. It’s been 3 and a half years now. In this widows’ world I have been a victim of the confusion and self-doubt, and questioning everything is beginning to lift above my head. Many things are becoming more apparent to me. I dismissed so many things earlier or I did not know about what was happening around me. To that, I say, “Just wait.”…I have arrived. There will be a reckoning.

I see it. I see you. The situations I have put myself in and the people I have surrounded myself with have become abundantly clear that not all have been in my best self-interest. Rest assured, these, too, shall pass. Everyone shows their true colors eventually. The universe has left me here for a reason. I am still determining that reason, but I know I still have jobs to do before I am free.

What Will BECOME?

This year, I have not made resolutions or achievements I hope to accomplish. My thoughts remain more modest in that I want to make a difference. I want to make every person’s life I encounter better. The goal is to be a better person and ease someone’s suffering. I want to make it through the year. Sometimes, we get defeated. I’ve learned that’s okay. That is the moment we need to feel gratitude because there is someone else in this country and in this world who has less than we have. Whether it be the roof over our heads, the food in our stomachs, or knowing our loved ones are safe today, we are privileged if you identify with this.

So, I leave you with this: I don’t have a lot of hope for 2024, although it’s started well for me. Every day is a struggle. I know full well it is for some. Cherish what you have and think, pray for those that have not. We are just one paycheck away.

May you all have a blessed 2024. See you on the flip side. Thanks for reading —xxooC

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Grief, Thoughts and Notes

So This Was Christmas: Finding Peace Amidst Grief

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Christmas’s Past

I don’t know when I started to dislike Christmas. Somewhere around the time that being a small business owner of a tattoo/piercing studio was not profitable from October to Christmas became a reality. Birthdays and tax season were a big deal, but holidays just became a burden. There always seemed to be too little time to enjoy anything. Between shuffling around from family to family, shopping on a budget, and spending energy trying to be festive, my late husband and I just gave up somewhere. As our daughter got older, we stopped putting the tree up. We had long stopped giving each other gifts. So this was Christmas.

Then, the first grandson was born. There was so much excitement as we were in different places in our lives than when we owned the shop. We were making more money than ever and couldn’t wait to spend it on this precious, new blessing. We had just started to look forward to the holidays again. The unthinkable happened in the summer of 2020, just before the second grandson was born. All of the excitement and anticipation of what would be was just sucked right out the window for me. It’s been tough to even think of celebrating anything without him.

Christmas Present

As the boys get older, their memory of him is fading. The oldest tells the youngest about him. But as time puts distance between them, there are no more memories to recount. The existing memories are fading. Today, I watched two excited little boys open gifts on Christmas morning. It was a good Christmas morning. After all the excitement has worn off, I’m left with a deep sadness I can’t quite describe.

Looking to the future after a devastating loss continues to remain challenging. Everything I read at the beginning of this journey has proven untrue. The fog was supposed to lift after a couple of years. It’s just beginning to. I can feel it because realization is starting to set in. Getting through the holidays may never get any better. They will never be what I had hoped and expected just four years ago, or even just a year ago.

The Future

So next year will be different. I’ve decided to start a new holiday tradition. On Christmas Day, I am heading to a beach. Any beach will do. It could be a different beach every year. I don’t know yet. What I do know is that time keeps moving whether we want it to or not. Today, I mourn what would have been but never will be. This space I am in now is not a place or time I ever could have imagined for myself. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not what I ever expected my life to be.

I find comfort in having my loved ones close to me. I cannot express how grateful I am for their support during the difficult times and unwelcome phases of my life. They were there for me with laughter, companionship, comfort, and acceptance. As we approach the end of the holiday season, whether you celebrate or not, I wish everyone peace, light, and love. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have these things, and I am grateful for what I have. With 2024 approaching, I am confident it will be my year.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

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Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Beat the Blues During The Holiday Season:

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5 Simple Self-Care Practices for The Holiday Season

The holiday season can be a challenging time for many people. I have never been a big fan of Christmas. Due to the pressure of buying gifts, the stress of traveling, attending family gatherings, and the expectation to feel happy and joyful. The shorter days, colder weather, and lack of sunlight can lead to negative emotions and depression. Being employed in a job that revolves around the holiday season can also add to the stress. It is essential to acknowledge that these feelings are normal and valid, and it is possible to cope and receive support. In this article, you’ll find five simple things you can do to manage your mental health better during the holidays, which can have a significant impact on your mood.

1. Meditation

One way to manage your mental health during the holiday season is to incorporate meditation into your daily routine. While I was in EMDR therapy, my therapist asked me to think of a place that made me feel calm and safe. (Read more about my journey here.) She asked for a place I had recently visited and could vividly picture in my head. After focusing on this place for just a few short minutes, I could calm my breathing and whole body.

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Take a few minutes each day to sit quietly and focus on just your breath or something relaxing. This simple technique can significantly impact your mood and overall well-being. Meditation can help reduce stress and provide many other beneficial features. There are many different types of meditation, so it’s important to find one that works best for you. A few types of are guided meditation, mantra meditation, and mindfulness meditation. Click on any link to read more about each. Meditation can be powerful for improving your mental health and finding peace during the hectic holiday season.

2. Keep a Gratitude Journal

Start a gratitude journal during the holidays. Acknowledging what you’re grateful for can be another easy way to improve your mental health and overall well-being. I have a couple of ways to incorporate gratitude into my stressful days. One is with a small gratitude book with prompts. I also use meditation to focus on the people, things, and experiences I have had, which make my life more joyful.

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Reflecting on what you are grateful for can help you shift your focus from anxious thoughts and feelings to positive, relaxing ones. It’s easy to get caught up in the stress and chaos of shopping, cooking, and entertaining. Taking the time to appreciate the small things in life can make a big difference. Your gratitude journal can be as simple as a notebook where you write down three daily things you are thankful for. Whether it’s a warm cup of tea, a hug from a loved one, or watching a sunset, focusing on the good in your life can help you feel more content and at peace.

3. Make Time for Yourself

The holiday season is often filled with activities and social obligations that can be overwhelming and exhausting. Just after my daughter was born, I had multiple family gatherings to attend and gifts to buy. I felt a lot of stress and anxiety about attending everything and also preparing a modest Christmas morning celebration for my family. And did I mention I had a newborn? Making time for yourself during the holidays can also help to maintain good mental health and well-being.

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It’s important to remember to give yourself permission to take a break and prioritize your own needs. A relaxing bath, reading a book, or walking can help you recharge and feel more centered. By taking care of yourself, you’ll be better equipped to handle the demands of the holiday season. You will also enjoy the time spent with loved ones. If you find this one difficult, ask a loved one for support. Remember, self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary.

4. Just Say No

As I’ve said, the holiday season can come with a lot of pressure to attend events, buy gifts, and participate in various activities. However, it’s also important to remember saying no is okay. As my daughter got a little older, I eventually just had to say no to some obligations. It all became too much for her and me. You don’t have to attend every party or buy expensive gifts to show your love and appreciation for others. It’s essential to prioritize yourself, and sometimes that means saying no to certain obligations. Saying no can be empowering and liberating, allowing you to focus on what truly matters. Enjoy the holiday season in a way that feels fun and fulfilling to you. Remember, you are in charge of your own boundaries, and it’s okay to set them.

5. Adjust Your Expectations

Lastly, adjusting our expectations is sometimes necessary to avoid disappointment and stress during the holidays. Getting caught up in the idea of having the perfect holiday with perfect gifts, decorations, and experiences is easy. One year, I went into a full-blown panic attack on Christmas Eve after I put everything under the tree. Did I get enough? Will she be happy with what I got her? It was too late to do anything about it now. All these thoughts led me to not enjoy just being with my family on Christmas Eve.

Striving for perfection can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction. Instead, try to focus on creating meaningful memories and experiences with loved ones. This can be done through simple traditions or quality time spent together. Adjusting your expectations can help you enjoy the holiday season more fully and reduce stress and anxiety. Remember, the holiday season is about being present and appreciating the people in your life, not about perfection.

Remember, the holiday season should be fun and bring you joy. I hope these tips help make everyone’s holidays do just that. Enjoy! Thanks for reading. –xxooC

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Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Coping with Grief: Ideas for surviving this Holiday Season

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Coping with Grief + Holidays=HARD

The holiday season can be a challenging time of year for anyone who has lost a loved one. Whether due to a recent loss or one that occurred years ago, coping with grief during the holidays can bring up a range of emotions that can be difficult to navigate. I know it’s hard. Even though your loved one isn’t here, you still are. Here, we’ll explore some ideas for coping with grief during the holiday season. Here you’ll find ways to honor your loved one and take care of yourself.

Whether by creating new traditions or seeking support from loved ones, there are many ways to find comfort and peace during the holidays, even in the midst of grief. So, let’s dive in and discover some helpful tips for making it through the holiday season after losing a loved one.

Bring out Your Creativity

As I said, the holiday season can be challenging. But there are many ways to cope and find comfort and support. One way to honor your loved one is to create a unique ornament or decoration. One that represents them and place it on the tree or display it in your home. Clear glass or plastic ornaments that open can be found at craft stores. These are perfect for small mementos like fur, jewelry, or photos.

Honor and Remembrance

Lighting a candle in memory of your loved one during holiday gatherings or anytime you just want is a wonderful way to pay tribute. I light one often at night in remembrance of the loved ones I’ve lost. Another way to honor their memory is to create a memory box filled with items that remind you of them. Place it with decorations or in a special place as you share memories about them.

Take Some Time for YOU

Taking care of yourself during this time is essential. Make sure to get plenty of rest, eat well, and engage in activities that bring you joy. I know sleep is hard sometimes, especially when I have much on my mind. I read with a low light and burn some incense to wind down. The holidays may seem like a great time to throw all self-discipline regarding food out the window; however, now is the time to exert that discipline. You’ll feel better when the holidays are over, and exacerbating any health issues will be averted. Finally, do little things for yourself. A hot cup of tea or a little “me” time is a quiet, no-expense luxury.

GIVE BACK

Finally, consider volunteering, attending a support group, or seeking professional help if needed. Volunteering can be a great way to find gratitude and give back. A support group is helpful if you are comforted by being around people. Some are, some not, so don’t push yourself. There is a better time to get out of your comfort zone. Professional help can be a wonderful support. Contact your doctor for a referral if you need help finding a therapist.

Remember that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions and to take things slow. By caring for yourself and finding ways to honor your loved one, you can make it through the holiday season with peace and comfort.

Thanks for reading and I wish everyone not only a peaceful holiday season but I also wish you to find some joy. I love you all –xxooC

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Destinations, Thoughts and Notes

The Longing for Travel: Planning Future Adventures

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The Longing for Travel

After I started working full-time last year, I could no longer travel as freely as I used to. I enjoyed being spontaneous and flexible with my trips, but with my scarce vacation days, I had to postpone my travel plans. This had me longing for travel, but it also inspired me to plan for future adventures. Being unable to discover new places and cultures was hard on my mental well-being.

I know I’m not the only one that enjoys traveling. Whether you are waiting for your next get-a-way or you’ve had to pause for a minute like I have. Here are some tips for finding ways to cope with the absence of travel and stay positive.

The Value of Travel Adventures

Why do we travel? Most often it’s to unwind from daily life and to explore new destinations. Traveling can also enhance our personal development, cultural awareness, and global outlook. When we go somewhere completely different it can help us to value different viewpoints. We also have the opportunity to examine our own lives and cultivate compassion for others.

After several of my own trips, I found that I came back invigorated and ready to create. Travel sparked my passion for writing and has helped to heal my soul after losing my husband. Getting away and experiencing a new way of life was tremendously enlightening.

Reliving Memorable Travel Moments

During this downtime of mine, I took the time to reminisce about past travel experiences and the unforgettable memories I’ve created. Whether it’s sipping coffee on a crisp morning in Colorado, exploring abandoned roads in California, or hiking through brush in the Sanibel, Florida preserves, these memories can transport me back to those special moments and inspire my future adventures.

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on a mountain in colorado
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Coping with the Absence of Travel

While I may not be able to travel right now physically, there are still alternative ways to fulfill my wanderlust. I’ve embraced virtual travel experiences such as virtual tours. Here is just one website called Taste of Home with an article by Laurie Dixon. In this article, you can find links to virtual tours of NASA, museums, cities, and much more. I have found them very exciting.

Online cultural events are a great way to experience different cultures. Cooking is another way to experience new places and cultures. These virtual experiences can provide a taste of different destinations and cultures from the comfort of our own homes.

Discovering Local Gems

Often, we overlook the beauty and wonder that exists right on our doorstep. Research local attractions, hiking trails, and off-the-beaten-path destinations. Discover hidden gems in your local surroundings.

I recently discovered, and have been exploring a new trail in my community. It runs alongside a creek and has quickly become my new walking spot. By exploring local businesses and communities, we can create meaningful experiences and appreciate the treasures in our own backyard.

Dreaming and Planning Future Adventures

I look forward to getting on the road again someday when my life and time allow. If you’ve put travel on hold for whatever reason, my advice is to stay positive and keep dreaming about future travel adventures and opportunities. Use this time to research destinations, create a bucket list, and plan itineraries for your future adventures. By envisioning future trips, we can stay hopeful and excited for what lies ahead.

While the longing for travel may be strong, it’s important to remember that this situation is temporary. By cherishing past travel memories, finding alternative ways to travel virtually, and embracing local adventures, we can nourish our wanderlust and remain hopeful for future adventures. Travel will return, and when it does, we will appreciate it even more.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: How much anxiety is normal?

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Some Anxiety is Normal

Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences from time to time however, when it becomes excessive and persistent, anxiety can interfere with daily life and lead to a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or “GAD” after my husband died in 2020. I’ve also written about my experiences with this disorder before. But now I want to talk about it more in-depth. In this article, we will explore the symptoms, causes, diagnosis, treatment, and coping strategies.

What is An Anxiety Disorder?

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a mental health condition. It’s characterized by excessive and persistent worry, fear, and nervousness. GAD affects approximately 19% of adults in the United States. It is important to seek help if you think you are experiencing an anxiety disorder of any type. If left untreated, it can interfere with daily life and lead to other mental health conditions.

Signs and Symptoms

An anxiety disorder can manifest in physical, emotional, and behavioral symptoms. Physical symptoms may include rapid heartbeat, sweating, trembling, and shortness of breath. My specific symptoms included all of these.

I also suffer from “panic attacks.” Panic disorder is another type of anxiety disorder and is a little different from GAD. More details on the different types later in the article. All create physical symptoms that are depleting and physically stressful. After each episode, my body felt completely exhausted and required time to heal.

Emotional symptoms may include excessive worry, fear, and nervousness. Behavioral symptoms may include avoidance of certain situations or activities. Just after my trauma, I was unable to drive. I found the expressways especially stressful and avoided them for months. It was only after therapy and learning useful calming techniques that was I able to venture back out.

Causes of an Anxiety Disorder

The causes of anxiety disorders are complex and multifactorial. One contributor is biological factors such as genetics, brain chemistry, and hormonal imbalances which may play a role. A second is environmental factors such as trauma, stress, and substance abuse may also contribute. Lastly, psychological factors such as negative thinking patterns and learned behaviors may also be involved.

My cause was trauma. Trauma from finding my husband’s body. That left me with a sense of insecurity about every facet of my life.

Getting a Diagnosis

Diagnosis is based on the presence of specific symptoms along with the exclusion of other medical or mental health conditions. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) outlines the diagnostic criteria for anxiety disorders.

Several types fall under this category which include generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder. Click on the link to learn more about each of these disorders. An anxiety disorder may also co-occur with other mental health conditions such as depression. I was also diagnosed with PTSD.

Treatments

Treatment may involve a combination of medications, psychotherapy, and lifestyle changes. Medications may be prescribed to help reduce symptoms. Psychotherapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy may be used. These may help with learning coping strategies and overcoming fears. Lifestyle changes such as exercise, healthy eating, and stress reduction techniques may also be helpful.

My treatment included using antidepressants in combination with an anti-anxiety medication. I was lucky in that this combo worked for me. It’s important to note there is a waiting period after starting medications. This is to let the medicine build up and work in the body.

Coping Strategies for Anxiety Disorders

In addition to professional treatment, several coping strategies can help individuals manage anxiety disorders. Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and meditation can help reduce symptoms. Mindfulness practices such as yoga and tai chi can also be helpful. Exercise such as walking, running, or swimming can help reduce stress and improve mood. Social support from friends, family, or support groups can also be beneficial.

Anxiety disorders are a common mental health condition that can interfere with daily life. It is important to seek help if you think you are experiencing any type of anxiety disorder. Treatment may involve a combination of medications, psychotherapy, and lifestyle changes. Coping strategies such as relaxation techniques, mindfulness practices, exercise, and social support can also be helpful. Remember, you are not alone, and there is help available.

Treatment times may be short or long-term for success. Never lose sight of the end goal and that is to feel better and be more connected to the life around you.

Thanks for reading –xxooC

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