Christmas’s Past

I don’t know when I started to dislike Christmas. Somewhere around the time that being a small business owner of a tattoo/piercing studio was not profitable from October to Christmas became a reality. Birthdays and tax season were a big deal, but holidays just became a burden. There always seemed to be too little time to enjoy anything. Between shuffling around from family to family, shopping on a budget, and spending energy trying to be festive, my late husband and I just gave up somewhere. As our daughter got older, we stopped putting the tree up. We had long stopped giving each other gifts. So this was Christmas.

Then, the first grandson was born. There was so much excitement as we were in different places in our lives than when we owned the shop. We were making more money than ever and couldn’t wait to spend it on this precious, new blessing. We had just started to look forward to the holidays again. The unthinkable happened in the summer of 2020, just before the second grandson was born. All of the excitement and anticipation of what would be was just sucked right out the window for me. It’s been tough to even think of celebrating anything without him.

Christmas Present

As the boys get older, their memory of him is fading. The oldest tells the youngest about him. But as time puts distance between them, there are no more memories to recount. The existing memories are fading. Today, I watched two excited little boys open gifts on Christmas morning. It was a good Christmas morning. After all the excitement has worn off, I’m left with a deep sadness I can’t quite describe.

Looking to the future after a devastating loss continues to remain challenging. Everything I read at the beginning of this journey has proven untrue. The fog was supposed to lift after a couple of years. It’s just beginning to. I can feel it because realization is starting to set in. Getting through the holidays may never get any better. They will never be what I had hoped and expected just four years ago, or even just a year ago.

The Future

So next year will be different. I’ve decided to start a new holiday tradition. On Christmas Day, I am heading to a beach. Any beach will do. It could be a different beach every year. I don’t know yet. What I do know is that time keeps moving whether we want it to or not. Today, I mourn what would have been but never will be. This space I am in now is not a place or time I ever could have imagined for myself. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not what I ever expected my life to be.

I find comfort in having my loved ones close to me. I cannot express how grateful I am for their support during the difficult times and unwelcome phases of my life. They were there for me with laughter, companionship, comfort, and acceptance. As we approach the end of the holiday season, whether you celebrate or not, I wish everyone peace, light, and love. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have these things, and I am grateful for what I have. With 2024 approaching, I am confident it will be my year.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC