Welcome back, let’s talk about Mental Health

Oh hey, hi there…I know it’s been a while. Thanks for sticking with me and keeping up with the little bit I’ve put out this summer. It’s been a struggle to sit down and actually focus. This time away from blogging has been an internal challenge for me in so many ways but I won’t go into that here. The topic I want to talk about is mental health and depression. While I have my own battles, I’ve met many others that do as well. For those of you just reading, here is a little background on me. I was diagnosed with PTSD and GAD after my husband died in June of 2020. (click the links to learn/read more.) It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride to say the least.

Before the Grief Trauma

But before all of this, I suffered from severe depression in my late teens and early to mid twenties. I wasn’t quite aware of mental health issues and I had no idea what was happening to me. I had started seeing a very good therapist years before. Not once was depression ever mentioned to me.

Then, all of a sudden, one day I just didn’t want to get out of bed anymore. It was like I just didn’t want to function. Thinking was difficult. I went to work, came home and slept. Woke up, then I went to work, came home and slept. Some days I didn’t make it to work. Fortunately I did not lose my job. I struggled daily not knowing what was going on with me. I couldn’t figure out why my mind and body were betraying me.

Finally as my life spiraled out of control at 24, I became pregnant with my daughter. Then somehow, miraculously, I was cured. I’ve read about pregnancy altering the chemical makeup of one’s brain… but BAM! It really happened to me. I never sunk into any type of deep depression again.

Trauma and Depression, the Difference

Fast forward to after my husband died. Shortly after my trauma, my family had an intervention. I found myself sitting in my doctor’s office. He told me I was “depressed.” I’m told him, “I’m confused, I want to die. I have no will to live. I can’t handle this trauma.” And of course for my treatment, I was prescribed anti-depressants. Which I took. For a while. I was desperate.

They did lighten my mood. They did not take away my thoughts and feelings of grief, despair, sadness, or any of the feelings of losing someone close to you. What the pills succeeded in doing, is buying me some time in not feeling too much of anything. Which was kind of a momentary relief.

Normalizing Talking About Feelings

I’m telling you this because these feelings haven’t really gone away. What takes the place of it all is learning how to cope and learn to look normal on the outside. That’s right, I’ve been faking it. I even fool myself most of the time. But as soon as I start to believe it all, the charade comes tumbling down and the wave hits me again. I’m saying this because I believe it’s so important to normalize talking about how we feel in order to prioritize mental health.

I’ve found finding the right words and having the courage to discuss it extremely hard. In a way, I don’t want to appear weak and not in control of myself. I always went over the conversations in my head beforehand, I found myself asking, how will someone see me after I confess this? The stigma is real.

However, while working here in this lovely city with the most amazing people, I have had quite a few instances that have reminded me why I came here. I came here to find me. The me without him. Rebuilding has been difficult but I’ve survived. Maybe even thrived a little. I’ve learned a lot over the past 10 months, about myself and what I’m capable of.

Learning the Lessons

I’ve been fortunate to come back to a company that understands and also prioritizes mental and physical health. Only with the help of everyone around me up here, have I learned the lessons I was sent here to learn. I’m here to tell you all of you have it in you also. The capability to learn about yourself and move in a forward direction.

Ultimately it’s not about will, and it’s not about finding something you’re passionate about. Everything in life can be going great, but mental health has to be a priority. Even if you’ve never had a traumatic event, prioritizing mental health is so important. In that, it’s accepting one day, one minute at a time.

For me, it’s learning to live. Maybe even love again. This time away has nurtured my inner child. I’ve done things that make me happy. Beginning to dream again. And most of all, it’s about finding gratitude. Being grateful for what I have. I sometimes don’t realize how fortunate I am. I’m trying to get back to that.

What does prioritizing mental health look like to you?

Thanks for reading. I love you all! -xxooC