Taking a Break

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve taken the summer off from posting. I did this for a couple of reasons. I wanted to enjoy the summer without the pressure of producing articles. Quite frankly, it was weighing on my mental health.

I’m a perfectionist. It’s both a curse and blessing. If I can’t give 110%, I don’t do it. I couldn’t give my all to writing, so I gave myself permission to take a break. The decision was hard, and my commitment to myself to stick to the break was difficult but well worth it.

Also I’ve been busy. Pouring myself into work seemed to keep me distracted from my inner self turmoil. I was being challenged with balance in my life so somethings had to be put on hold. I have however, been writing in an actual physical journal almost regularly. That is, up until a few weeks ago when I had to make some big life decisions.

More Big Decisions

That’s when something hugely significant happened in my life. My path was diverted again. I was faced with some pretty hard realizations. One was my mental health condition and how it’s affecting my very being. I had to take time to process, and decide how to proceed. Big life decisions aren’t always easy. Some are a no brainer. Some others, not so much. Most of my big life decisions since 2020 have been in reaction to a bigger life event. These recent decisions were a culmination of festering difficulties and problems I can’t just seem to solve without a complete upheaval of the new life I created.

After trauma and experiencing traumatic grief, I think it’s natural to second guess yourself. PTSD can bring forth many uncertain feelings to just about everything. Personally, I question and doubt myself regularly now. I never did much before. Ultimately, I have to make the choices that benefit not only myself, but the ones’ I love as well. I also feel I have to honor my late husband. In that, I know I have made the right choices for my immediate future.

New Directions

So as the summer ends, so does another chapter in my life. With every ending comes a new beginning. Just as in any grief journey, a new beginning isn’t always a step forward. But it’s a necessary transition nonetheless. I am about to embark on a path I must take and see it through until the end, whatever outcome that may entail. At this point the path forward is completely unknown. I keep saying “I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.”

For Now…

I’ve realized something else over the past year. Mentally and emotionally, I am no where near the person I was before 2020 and I never will be again. The pandemic has left a lasting impact on our very existence. So does the death of a loved one. In some ways I’ve become calloused to words that I hear and words that I say. But never the emotions. They are all still there just tucked away. Sometimes they slip out. Sometimes I let them out. And just like that, the huge big tidal wave of grief washes over me again.

Big life decisions can come with big consequences and big rewards. I’m banking on the big rewards because as I’ve said before, and I think this is my motto now- only when you’ve lost everything is anything possible.

Thanks for reading. –xoxoC