Tag Archives: #peace

Thoughts and Notes

A Paranormal Event

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An Old House with a History

I moved in with my late husband’s father in October of 2020. His wife passed some years before so he had been living alone. There was more than enough room for the two of us. I went in prepared for spiritual activity, knowing three people I know of that have died in that house. Surprisingly, not one paranormal event or anything unexplained ever happened. Nothing ever seemed “off.”

At the time I moved in, my father-in-law was caring for a very dear friend. William was already in a senior living community. And unfortunately he was homebound. He had played golf on frequent occasions with my husband. I became like family and was quickly recruited to do haircuts, light cleaning, and other random needed jobs. These two men were delighted to have my help and company. The companionship after my husband died was welcome to me as well.

Facing The Difficult Tasks

Then one April day, William calls and goes to the hospital. I didn’t go see him as my father-in-law went almost everyday, that I can remember. At last there was the call. I’m not sure who exactly was on the other end, I just vividly remember the conversation. As my father-in-law answered questions about Williams’ care, he looked at me sternly as to be asking my approval. “Yes, he can just come here. I have an extra bedroom in the back of the house.” was said.

William was brought to the house on a Thursday afternoon. As I said before, nothing out the ordinary ever suggested there was spiritual or a paranormal event that had ever happened there. I worked first hand with the nurses, nurses’ aides, and hospice. Friday was good, then Saturday was okay. Sunday was bad. Then, something happened.

Is This My Paranormal Event?

I woke up on Monday and felt a warmth and peace radiating from the wall I shared with the back room William was resting in. The air was charged and I could feel the static in it. My heart knew the transition was closer. The whole house felt otherworldly. This was the beginning of my paranormal event.

William left us on Monday. That evening as the sun set, the house was aglow with a warmth I’ve never felt before. It was peaceful and I could feel not only Eric, but others there also. As I went to bed that evening I lit the candle beside my bed. I light one every night for Eric. I have since he left. Only tonight I whispered “This one is for you William” and I went to sleep.

My Medium Reading

In the morning, everything was crisp and the air was heavy but back to normal. We carried on with our day like always. Then a friend of mine reached out. She had felt something. She gifted a medium consult for me just after Eric’s passing and it didn’t go well. My grief was clouding her vision so we left it for another time. My friend told me now was the time. So I scheduled another consult.

Now don’t get me wrong here, I believe in psychics and genuine readers and people who can see things most people can not. Some do have a gift but I’m always the skeptic. So I went into this highly skeptical. I was telling her about William and then she pauses. She asks if I have a candle by my bed. To which I simply replied “yes.” She tells me William says “Thank you for the remembrance. He appreciates everything you did for him and wishes he could have gotten to know you better than the short time you spent.”

I’ve had more than one instance in my life that brings tears and chills. I wanted to share this with you. This was one of the defining moments that made me start traveling. It’s unexplainable. But somehow it brought me comfort. There’s more to this story that I learned from the medium but that will be a story for another time.

So take care, and please share if you have any similar stories or anything paranormal you’ve encountered with loved ones.

Thanks for reading. (And I’m going old school with the pictures. Oldies but Goodies 🙂 –xxooC

beach at sanibel island florida a paranormal event
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When There is Just More

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Just More Unexpected Trauma

It happened again today. Another flashback, just more trauma. Reliving the “thing” I don’t want to think about, let alone discuss. But there it was. I think this whole experience is all part of reconnecting with the world. After a traumatizing event, it’s hard to be part of something. Because being part of something means exposure. Being vulnerable to more trauma again and never quite knowing when or where I’ll be drawn back into it for a moment, an hour, a day or more.

Luckily today was just moments but the lingering effect lasted much longer. I was taken back several years to just after my trauma. I was trying to make sense of the world around me. Always moving, never looking over my shoulder. Putting time and distance between me and “it.” Today it caught up with me though.

Unintentional But Still

I was doing routine things. At work, not really on guard. It’s a semi-warm day today so I didn’t wear stockings. My thigh tattoo was exposed. Someone saw it and commented and asked about it. Then the whole office was asking, surrounding, questioning. Then there I was, back in my trauma. Explaining what it was, why I got it. Who did it, when he died. All of it. There, at work and I said it all without batting an eye. I’ve come that far by the way. I was very proud of myself. I stood there and told the tale. Then I retreated.

I went to the washroom where no one was and I cried. I cried like I did when I got this tattoo. Like I do every time I spread more of him and feel his soul touch mine once again. The feeling I get when I’m back in my safe place, back when all of this never happened. When I took it all for granted. When I was whole and completely naïve.

Ending The Night

All I can say is tell the people you love what they mean to you because there may not be a tomorrow. Not for them, not for you. I know how cliché that sounds but for my husband it was true. Tomorrow did not come for him. So live like there’s no tomorrow. The one question I go to bed asking myself now is, am I proud of who I am and what I did today? If the answer is yes, then I sleep a little better. If not, then I hope there is a tomorrow that I can do better.

Thank you for reading. I love you all. -xxooC

sunset on a street in chicago
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The Things I’ve Said as A Widow

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The Things I’ve Said that Still Surprise Me

I’m sitting here watching a thunderstorm roll in. One of the subtle things I love most in this world. The smell of rain. The calm before the storm. Quick flashes of lightening and a glimpse of what’s coming. We never really know what’s coming though. Every moment, every day. Although it may be routine, somehow someway, something unexpected always pops up. This story is about the things I’ve said that really surprised me when I hear the words come from my mouth.

I had a conversation with another widow today. Her story was like others I had heard. Her husband died because of an illness. His death wasn’t quick. He didn’t want to leave and his leaving was devastating. They had been married a very long time. And in this conversation I had another revelation.

The things I’ve said since Eric left that I never thought would ever escape my lips. I’m speaking of the words I never thought I would ever say pre-trauma. I’m still surprised when something like “my husband died” rolls off my tongue. Another is “my life now after my husband passed.” Still the one that always stuns me is “now that I am single.”

What Still Surprises Me

I never thought I would be single again. That title eluded me for a long time. I was very reluctant to take it until it was forced upon me. Taxes and the IRS are to blame but I took it anyway. Now I bare it like a sign, or a badge. My heart will never be single. He will always dwell there, inside my soul even though outside we are no longer a couple.

This widow I spoke to today has been 12 years a widow and like me, she is choosing her own path. We didn’t speak about what her life was right after. But I felt we shared some commonalities. The pain in her eyes was still there and when she said “I’m 12 years, you are still new” I knew then, she had a perspective so I rebutted “time really doesn’t matter” to which she responded “no, it doesn’t.”

Time. Friend or Foe?

That right there. That was the moment that solidified everything I’ve thought up until now. Time does not heal all wounds, it just masks and allows us to cope better. Time allows experience to learn how to not say the things I think. So far, it’s taught me to hide everything inside better. Time allows me the learning to keep buried what needs to be and to be able to function in society again.

Right after Eric died, I spoke to a dear friend I used to work with. She too lost her husband suddenly to an accident two years prior. They are both young. She said to me “girl, it’s hard.” At the time I didn’t know what that meant. I do now. It is hard. It will always be hard. Coping, existing, living past the death and trauma of losing a life partner is hard. It’s a different kind of loss. Hard is the beginning, middle, and will ultimately be the end.

I love you all. Thank you for reading -xxooC

open road the things I've said
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What NOT to Expect in Mourning

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From What to Expect to What NOT

I realized after I published Part 1 of “What to expect when you ARE in mourning“, I left a few things out. Although I did touch on some physical expectations, I completely missed the massive emotional and mental aspect. So here is Part II. I’m calling this one What NOT to expect when you are in mourning.

The Mental Part

The first thing I can tell you not to expect, is to be the same person again. Ever. There are moments in one’s life that completely change and define you. Losing someone close is one of those moments. The closer the soul, the more of a marker in time a death becomes. There is only before and after.

Second, do not expect to make rational decisions. My thought process was completely driven by the intense emotions I was feeling. I definitely wasn’t clear headed. Nothing meant anything to me and material possessions from a life I no longer had were worthless. I got rid of almost all possessions in one way or another. I don’t recommend doing so alone. This decision turned out alright for my situation but again. I don’t recommend it for the first year.

The Emotional Part

Thirdly, emotions were uncontrollable for a while. I did not expect this and I couldn’t hide them. I’ve gotten better though. But for what seemed like a long while, they quickly went from rage, to sadness, to indifference all within a short span of time. I felt stunned most of the time. Disbelief and confusion filled in the rest. I remember saying I know it happened, but I just can’t believe it happened.

The next thing I didn’t expect was the desparate longing that kicks in. Along with the emptiness. I believe this is part of the bargaining stage. Desparation to have just one more moment of that perfect peace with your loved one still with you. It’s there, you can almost grasp it. But the peace is never within reach. Don’t expect to ever fill the void your loved one left. This is the one feeling time will never heal. This feeling creeps in again. And again. And again. When it’s least expected. Triggered over a thought, a memory, a gesture. This is the wave that’s often talked about. The tidal wave of grief.

The Physical Part

Finally, don’t expect grief and mourning to just be emotional. I wasn’t prepared for the physical manifestations that came along. The side effects of grief and in my case, sudden loss. The pain is intense. Deep physical pain that never really goes away. Time just teaches how to mask it better. My energy level declined. I don’t think it will ever be what it was but I am finding ways to cope.

Last but certainly not least, I’m going to speak strictly about widowhood. Don’t expect your life to resemble anything close to what it did before. Ever. Widowhood changes everything. From self care, to the way I eat. The biggest realization was that I was alone in taking care of myself. I lost the comfort in those intimate life moments. The ones when I had someone there. Always knowing where I was. The constant daily conversations. Gave way to a huge, hollow void.

The Opportunity That Awaits

In the end of the list, of what not to expect while mourning. I would like to leave you with a message of hope. For in my grief I see possibility. In what’s left of my life now, I see opportunity. Opportunity I never would have thought possible. Because in all of my loss, came a freedom. I am free to do things I would have never done before.

My final words are…don’t expect good things NOT to happen. When I lost everything, anything seemed possible. With all of the mental and physical scars I still had to live each day. And only I could determine how that day would be. My therapist said the most profound words that stuck with me, even today. “The only one stopping you, is you.” So I leave you with this, take a chance. Do one thing you have always wanted to do whether it be by yourself or with someone else. I know it’s scary. Just do it. You’ll thank me later.

Thanks for reading. I love you all. xxooC

Destinations, On The Road, Thoughts and Notes

Leaving More, Our Journey Continues

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Leaving More of Myself

I’ve been staring at a blank screen for a couple of hours now. I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time starting this article. My late husband’s ashes rest in many places I’ve visited in the two and half years since he left. I expected the ceremonial process and writing about it would get easier. However, talking about leaving more of his ashes is harder than I expected this time around. Recently, a lot of internal wounds have opened up. My recent experience was extra salt for the already existing proverbial wound. In preparation I think I switched myself “off” during the event. I expected to process all the feels later. Now emotions overwhelm me.

So I added another place to the growing list my husband now rests. Leaving more of him this time has extra special meaning. Anyone who knew him knows how much he loved Kentucky basketball. Ironically, I have to tell this story. For a new role at work, he signed up to take Dale Carnegie classes in Peoria in the Fall of 2019. These classes changed his life but I remember he looked troubled after one particular class. I asked what was on his mind. Our conversation went much like; the class was given an assignment. The assignment was an oral arguement. He had no idea what to argue as he didn’t feel passionate enough about anything. I replied quickly that his argument should be how UK has the best basketball program and team. He smiled and that’s what he did. It was a success.

inside rupp arena during basketball game leaving more
scattering ashes leaving more
outside rupp arena leaving more
Honored to do this with one of Eric’s bestfriends. They visited Rupp together on many occasions.

Why Here was Different

Now, when the opportunity to go to Rupp Arena and put some of him there presented itself, I knew I had to do it. It felt right. Part of him should be in a place he loved so much and was a huge fan. But leaving more of him in a place he visited frequently was much different than most of the places before. The last place I left him was on his favorite golf course and the lake behind it. That was super emotional also. Rupp was different though and I couldn’t quite figure it out until now.

A week later, I’ve discovered something new. These two places are moments in time where he existed and was the happiest. His energy lives on in these spaces. In these moments and these spaces, leaving more of him has touched something in the universe that resonates with his very being.

I’m reminded of EDC 2019. Our last year attending this festival together in Las Vegas. The theme was “Kinetic Energy” and Bill Nye introduced, and performed the opening ceremony. He talks about how moving with lots of people in unison and creating kinetic energy together changes the brain. The energy makes us happy. So there is some science to it all.

eric and i at edc
kenetic stage
temple at edc

This spreading of ashes was not a memorial of sorts but an honoring of his existence. An honoring of Eric being happy, in these spaces. And that was my lesson. I’ve had two very different types of spreadings. Ones for me, and ones for him. This one was for both. Rest in peace my love.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

eric wearing his uk hat with me
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My Food Journey

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Journey Setbacks Suck

I’ve suffered some setbacks lately. Both mentally and physically. I found out last year through a DNA sensitivity test, that I am super sentsitive to certain foods. I kind of already knew it but, this completely confirmed it. The majority of people have food sensitivities and don’t even know it. I was one of those people. Don’t let anyone or any doctor tell you differently. Food sensitivies can wreak havoc in gut. The gut controls the immune system. When the immune system fails, the body is open to other diseases including auto-immune disorders. This is where my food journey begins.

All of what I’m about to tell you is what prompted me to write this article about my food journey. Because a couple of weeks ago, I ate a whole bunch of things I shouldn’t have. This really caused a screw up in my digestive system as well as inflamation throughout my entire body. On top of this bodily stress from food, this caused my mental stress to multiply. Coupled with the anxiety of a new job, a new city, a new living space…well you get where I’m going.

NOTE: I’ve inserted lots of links to outside websites explaining medical definitions and explainations. Just click on any to learn more about that topic. Thanks!

Food Journey Version 1.0

My food journey started way back in my late twenties. First I was diagnosed with hypo-thyroidism. This resulted in medication. Second was arthritis. More medication. Third was chronic fatigue syndrome. Even more medication. Amphetamines were prescribed at one point just because my energy level had dropped so low.

Then by my mid thirties I was a wreck. I broke my first bone in 2005. My endocrinologist sent me for a DEXA bone scan. This is a test that measures bone density. I was borderline osteopenia. More medication was prescribed and this is where I said STOP! I truly believe we have to become our own advocates when the medical system isn’t working in our favor. So I started reading, and reading, and more reading.

Version 1.5

I learned almost all illnesses start from bad gut health. This is a whole ‘nother topic and I’ve included some links if you want to explore this more. If you are experiencing symptoms, I highly recommend digging deeper. The results will shock you. Anyway, I had been fasting off and on for quite some time and I always felt amazing during a cleanse. So I felt I was on the right path with the food thing. Not knowing how to proceed and not having enough information yet, I suffered for many years to come.

Then, in my early forties, after many attempts to clean up my diet, nothing seemed to be working. I felt the worse I had felt in my entire life. Then I suffered my second bone break in 2013. The results of my most recent bone scan showed I was creeping up to osteoporosis. I couldn’t open my hands in the morning from pain and inflammation. My body constantly ached like the flu. My brain was foggy all day. Moodiness, yes. Irregularity, yes. No strength, no energy, no motivation, constant digestive issues, that was all me. So I decided to do something.

me with a boot on my first after second break my food journey
my foot in therapy my food journey
Important Food Discoveries

My first attempt was to cut out the big 6 for 4 months. That was wheat, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, corn, and sugar. Yes it was difficult but well worth it. After reintroducing each one, I’ve found that all of them affect me in some way. Gluten? Any gluten more than a couple of bites at all, I can’t digest it. Corn? In excess, inflammation ie: arthritis symptoms. Caffeine? Tummy issues immediately. Sugar? In excess, bloating and swelling of hands and feet. Alcohol? It all depends. Dairy? Well that depends too.

food i was cooking on my food journey

I want to point out here there is a BIG difference between allergy and intolerance regarding food. Click on the link to discover more. With this knowledge, I slowly started to change my diet. Eat more good stuff and avoid the known issues. Meanwhile, I cut out a considerable amount of medications. Finally, I was down to just the ones for thyroid support and bone loss.

Bone Broth!

I also wanted to add that I started making bone broth for collagen support. Super easy to do in a crock pot and I can’t say enough about how good it made me feel. If you want my recipe just ask. It’s nothing complicated and I will be happy to share. I just took a recipe off the web and changed it up a bit to suit my taste. Yes, collagen is readily available through many powders, premade broths, drinks, shots. However you choose to consume is great. I just realized I could make it for cheap and I loved the taste of mine.

bone broth
The Turning Point

After a while I became acutely in tune with my body. I knew there were other consumptions not working for me but I couldn’t quite figure it all out. Lastly, about a year ago, I took a DNA food profile from 5 Strands. (Not A Paid Advertisement!) This test was the key I needed to successfully change the path of my food journey. There it was in black and white. Actually it’s white, green, orange, and red but there it was. Some things I knew, some were not a surprise and some were a complete surprise! Lots of foods I thought were safe were in fact, really irritating my body. Armed with this knowledge, I can now make better food choices.

So this leads me full circle to why I feel so terrible now. I ate a ton of corn along with a few other things on my red list. This was two weeks ago and my hands still hurt. And there you have it. My food journey is constantly evolving as I dabble in scrumptious meals I shouldn’t but grocery shop like I should. I read labels, and avoid the foods that make me super sick when I can. Changing one’s diet is a lifestyle. It takes time. Also lots of knowledge.

Anyone have issues you suspect is related to food sensitivites/intolerances? I want to hear. Thanks for reading xxooC.

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Just A Quick Note

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A Status Update

Just a quick note to update everyone. I’ve been working so much lately because of Christmas it’s been almost impossible to sit down and write. To the contrary, a lot has been on my mind. When I do sit down and actually write something, an outpouring of emotion is all I get. Nothing tangible I can place in an article. I lost a dear friend over Thanksgiving weekend. I’m still trying to process this.

With all of that being said, this quick note is to let everyone know that writing is still in the forefront of what I enjoy doing in my spare time. The holidays have a way of forcing reflection. Whether it be what was lost or what is still here. Somehow, this time of year is just special. If I don’t get something out in the next couple of weeks, I wanted everyone to know I am still here. Settling in in Chicago has been both interesting and fun. I’m in the Logan Square neighborhood which is NNW of the city, but still considered “the city.” Nothing like a completely new way of life to get my mind off many things. I was just saying the other day that sitting still is now a luxury. How quickly I forgot how it feels to have a whole day to do nothing.

my christmas plant in my new apartment

I’m in and out so much I decided to do a Christmas plant instead of a tree!

This post marks a milestone for my blog too. It’s my 50th post. So after the holidays and things settle down a bit, I plan on getting back to writing more. In the future, I will tell you more about Odin. He is such a joy to have around.

So Happy Holidays to all my friends and family. I love you all and thank you for following my journey. It’s far from over and I have so many more adventures, thoughts, and ramblings to share with you so please stay tuned. xxooC

Me and Odin at home just a quick note
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Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

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Comfort was a luxury

We’ve all heard this phrase a lot. “Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” Whether it be in the professional world or life coaching. I’ve always taken it as a motivational phrase. Somehow though, after losing a significant other, it has taken on a different meaning to me. I haven’t been comfortable with anything since June of 2020. I used to thrive on change, and actually craved it. Now, not so much. Recently, change gives me anxiety I can’t handle well. And I have a lot of changes going on right now.

Before I could just embrace the change and move through it with a level thinking process. Rationalizing all scenarios and choosing the best path forward. Different things are happening in my mind now. I’m realizing the thinking processes are not the same and I don’t know why other than maybe the trauma has reordered things in my mind.

I also think before the trauma, I had come to a point in my life where I was extremely comfortable, even with the uncomfortable. Comfort was a luxury I didn’t know I had. I’ve been around the sun enough times to level up some experience in situations. A whole lot could be thrown at me at once and I could still be comfortable.

Sudden discomfort

I’ve noticed something new over the past few week. It’s all felt a little strange. Just “off” if you will. What I’m realizing is, I don’t have my sounding board. I lost my cheerleader, my best friend. The person I knew I could count on to talk me down. The one who could put some sense of calm in my life. A sense of order and priority. And even though I have others in my life I can turn to, I’ve lost the security of knowing that safe space was always there. That safe space and security is now gone. Forever.

So once again I am washed in grief and I mourn. Not only for the souls missing in my life, but for what they provided to me. Throw in my generalized anxiety disorder for a real sense of discomfort. I’m also missing my comfort cat Lucy. This tiny animal that provided so much peace. She always seemed to know exactly when I needed her touch and purr. She also provided a safe space.

I’m still learning

I’m learning grief isn’t about just the person lost. Grief is also about mourning what was and what would have been. I mourn for 20+ years with souls. Souls which had become my rock, my security, my sense of home. When I was with them, in that space we all once inhabited, I was lifted up from my darkness. My weaknesses were transformed into strengths. Now I have to learn to be all of this for myself. So far the task has not been so easy.

I’m super uncomfortable in the places I’m going in my life right now, but I’m forging ahead. Hopefully one day I can get comfortable again. I just have to learn how to be all of the things I got from my lost loved ones.

Thanks for reading! xxooC

comfortable with the uncomfortable lucy and me
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Grief and Life

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Can the two exist together?

“Sometimes life gets in the way.” We’ve all heard that saying before. Somehow, grief and life can not coincide together. Well, for a while they can but what I’m finding is I have to be in one or the other. I still find myself grieving yes, but as time continues to flow I am also living. Am I living the life I wanted? Not yet. I’m still working on it. Trying new things out. Deciding what I want in and out of my life. Who I want in and out of my life.

I am starting to question how much grief can actually remain in life. Grief was my badge. I wore it with pride. There was a lot of pain and trauma endured. With complicated grief, it’s all still in there. I feel it everyday. The person I was is gone. She left when he left. Out of desperate self preservation I have rebuilt someone else. So here I find myself getting back out. I could have chosen a different path. Eternal grief. But that isn’t the direction I wanted to go. The wise old words once spoken to me are finally ringing true. I am tired. I am tired of the pain. Continuing to live in the pain was just to great to endure. So I let some of it go.

Choosing Grief or Life

So what does the future for someone as damaged as me look like? That I don’t have an answer to yet. Again, I’m breaking my own rules. I am doing things I am uncomfortable with. I discovered something recently, the grief had become my comfort. In that though, comfort contained lots of pain and confusion. I’m actually kind of surprised how comforting the pain had become. Especially after losing Lucy, my comfort and emotional support cat.

In an effort to survive the day, I haven’t moved on. Although I have just replaced the things I found comfort in before the trauma. I now have a comfort dog. I have meaningful people in my life. Things are just different this time around. Ultimately, I think this will not be the last time I have to start over and create another version of myself. The next time though, I’ve had some practice and I think I can navigate better. There is a life lesson here somewhere. Somewhere in all this comforting pain and grief along with the uncomforting changes and experiences.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

emotional support dog life and grief
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My Disordered Life

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Life with PTSD. What it is…

I’ve wanted to talk about my disordered life a little more in depth for a while now but didn’t exactly know where to start. Then, just the other day I suffered a set back. I was a passenger on a road trip. Not a terribly long one, but I decided to catch up on social media posts. In a news account, I discovered a tweet from a father on the day of a school shooting. This man recounted the day his son was shot and died. This alone was not a trigger. As I kept reading though, he described telling his family that his son was gone. This was the trigger.

My EMDR therapy has softened the memory of actually discovering my late husband already deceased. Now what has surfaced instead, is the memory of telling my daughter. Hearing my child crumble in pain knowing there is nothing I can do to ease her pain. Listening to her break apart and absorb what I said. It’s almost indescribable until I was reading it. His description was exactly what I experienced. I felt his distress. In an instant, I was reliving my own trauma.

Suddenly I felt my anxiety rising. I was caught in the flashback of telling my daughter over the phone and lying on the floor crying with her for what seemed to be an eternity. Finally, hanging up the phone knowing she had this huge gaping wound I couldn’t do anything about. Then I realized I wasn’t in that space anymore. But yet I was. What was happening? A flashback. An uncontrollable emotional and physical response to a traumatic event. This is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Management and Finding Support

Now I have my ways of coping with the anxiety. The physical symptoms which spontaneously occur through flashbacks and social situations. Two and half years on, I am just now beginning to make a little progress in managing my involuntary reactions to triggers. It’s been a long road so far. I’m just one of the lucky ones that have found some sort of support. I realize that PTSD never fully goes away. It may change, it may morph into other stressors but never truly disappears.

I wanted to bring awareness to this condition because I never really knew that much about it before. Sure, most of us know others with this condition. I did. Before I could read what the symptoms are but I didn’t truly know what it was like to live with PTSD. Unfortunately now I do. Because everyone is different, the severity and symptoms are completely individualized.

PTSD has many symptoms. I have dealt with a lot of them. Some days I’m more fragile than others. Some weeks I can go days without thinking about or experiencing triggers. Others not so much. But I’m not giving up and I’m not giving in. I tried that and it didn’t work either. If you have someone in your life with PTSD, my suggestion is just to listen. It’s nice to know I have people around me that want to just be there and listen. No judgements, no opinions, no recommendations, just listening or in some cases, just being there.

An Anxiety Disordered Life

In my life before, anxiety was familiar, but for the most part it was under control. There was a time before when it ruled my life but I had moved on, and found ways to work through it. After my event, my anxiety went out of control. At first it was so bad I couldn’t sleep or drive. My diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I learned in therapy that my life had been unexpectedly altered. For that I couldn’t count on the normal routine of anything anymore. Since then, I have come to know a little more normalcy. Which has helped yes, but the anxiety still comes. Usually in an unexpected setting. When I am least prepared.

The Only Way Is Forward

For many with either of these, the way forward is difficult and sometimes seems impossible. Sometimes I still feel that way but the one constant for me is time. Time will continue to move forward even if I don’t. In that fact, I find some consolation and a bit of peace in my disordered life. Time has become the one thing I know I can count on. It will never leave me and it will always be the same, no matter what. For now that is enough.

Thanks for reading! xxooC

a rainbow signals hope in my disordered life
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Self Love. How I am rebuilding.

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What is Self Love?

“Self love” is not to be taken as vanity. When I say self love, I mean learning to like myself. This means accepting me, my body, the imperfections, the mental states I fluctuate through, the flaws, all of it. In a previous article, I talked a little bit about learning to love myself again. After the trauma of losing my husband, I can honestly say I lost myself. Completely. I became a shell of the person I was.

Finding My Self

At first, everyone kept telling me to be kind to myself. Back then I had no idea what that meant. All I knew then was that I didn’t like myself, the world, and everything around me. I didn’t really care about myself anymore, neither physically or emotionally. Looking back, I think some of these feelings are normal. Especially at the beginning stages of grief. But they are undoubtedly destructive and traumatic.

Finding any acceptance and self love again is a process. One that can be long and complicated regardless of the circumstances which caused the loss. Also, the process can quickly become stalled or derailed for any number of reasons. Sometimes the path forward is very unclear.

As I began to travel and spend more time with myself, I realized I didn’t really know “me” at all anymore. I had to get reacquainted with things I liked doing, foods I liked eating, and so on.

sunflowers on my morning walk rebuilding self love

How I Started Rebuilding Self Love

Below is a list of 10 things I started practicing regularly. Small things I keep coming back to. Even when I’m traveling, I try to be mindful of the small rituals. They also provide stability in my life when the world around me is changing. Each one has helped me on my journey to regain self acceptance and build my self love.

This is how I regained some self love in a few quick steps.

  • Set an early alarm.

    Whatever time I have to get up, I set a separate, earlier alarm.
    This allows me reflection and relaxation time. I can lay there and enjoy a few minutes of the morning before starting my day. Sometimes I get up and look outside. Other times I lay with my eyes closed and focus on what I want to accomplish today. Most times I just use it to enjoy how good the warm bed feels. This sets the tone for the rest of the day.

  • Allow one indulgence every day.

    This can be as simple as a favorite coffee creamer. Try a new scent in the shower. Listen to water falling or birds chirping. Can’t get outside? Here’s my quick search on Amazon Music of nature sounds to try. Stop and enjoy the smell of fresh flowers or essential oils. Pet an animal and feel the soft fur. I Indulge my senses in something that brings me joy at least once a day. The feeling stays with me and instantly puts me in a good mood.

  • Don’t look in the mirror too much.

    Of course I need to be presentable but I don’t linger in the mirror like I did in my younger years. At first, after the trauma event, I didn’t look in the mirror at all. This was me avoiding my self care. Then I looked in the mirror too much, obsessing over what I had neglected. The road to acceptance was somewhere between getting ready, self affirming that I looked ok, then not looking again. Unless it was an occasion glance when I visited a wash room. You’ll be surprised how much your appearance starts to take a back seat to whatever else is going on for the day.

  • Do something that makes you feel good about your body.

    Again, this is involving the senses. I purposefully do one thing, everyday that makes my body feel good. It can be taking a walk (my energy level is still low) lotioning myself (my skin is perpetually dry). At night, whitening my teeth is an occasional “feel good” thing I do after brushing and flossing. Polishing my nails with a clear coat is another big one.

  • Laugh.

    This sounds simple and really it isn’t. Sometimes I don’t feel like laughing. Some days are just too intense. Those are the days I try hard to find something funny. The other day it was reading my daughter’s old school journals from elementary school. I try to laugh at least once a day. Maybe it’s looking through memes on social media. I have my Instagram feed set so I see funny memes and tweets. I often share them with family members when I know they will love them too. A shared laugh is always doubly sweet.

  • Provide service to someone else.

    This one doesn’t have to be difficult unless you make it. It can be as big or as little as you are comfortable with. I have made it a habit to open doors for others. Ask if an elderly person needs help with their groceries in the parking lot. Let someone in when they are trying to merge in traffic. Simply put, make someone else’s day better.

  • Don’t be judgmental.

    If someone else is doing something I don’t like and it’s not directly bothering me, I walk away. The energy wasted on just even thinking negative thoughts is not worth it. That energy can be used in a more positive, productive way that will make me feel better. Just don’t do it.

  • Eat slowly and make proper food choices.

    This is a huge one for me. I struggle with food constantly. My eating habits have changed drastically in the past two years and I tend to eat very unhealthy. So when I haven’t chosen the smartest meal, I chew slowly to enjoy each bite and I leave some on the plate. Simple. It works for me. I also try not to beat myself up about what I’m eating. Tomorrow is another day to do better.

  • Don’t over drink alcohol.

    You knew this was going to be in here somewhere. I tend to drink too much. When I do, it’s not pretty and I end up eating too much also. I start to hate myself. I feel terrible later. Both mentally and physically.
    Now when I think I’ve drank too much, I try to drink a LOT of water before going to sleep. And I mean a lot! But, I wouldn’t have to if I just didn’t drink so much. These are just suggestions and tips. I’m still working on this one.

  • End the day with gratitude.

    When I’m laying in bed at night, just before I close my eyes, I try to reflect on the day. I try to find at least one thing I am grateful for in that day. Maybe it’s seeing friends and family. Sometimes it’s something I’ve experienced. Other times it’s a polite comment someone has payed me which takes me back to 6 and 7. I bought a journal (sponsored) in Florida that helped me document my goals and gratitude daily. If it helps to journal, then definitely do it. I highly recommend it.

It Really Is That Simple

So there you have it. I’ve tried to make it as simple as I can. I wanted to share the things I’ve been practicing. No, I am not a master at any of them. On certain days I find some of these are more difficult than others. I don’t do every one every day. Though again I will say, tomorrow is another day to do better. And as time flows on, I believe they’ve helped me. Finally, building self love is a journey and any progress is still progress. Baby steps.

Good luck and let me know what works for you! Do you have any suggestions for things you use?

Love you all. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Surviving Loss, Reflections Of A New Life

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Preface: I wrote “Surviving Loss” six months ago. It truly is a piece on reflections. Where I was then is not where I am now. In six months, I have had two celebrations of life for Eric. I have journeyed to new places I have never been before. Seen things I’ve never seen and experienced things I never thought I would. Grief is still with me but I am in a different place with it.

When I reread this, I found meaning and a message I wished to convey which is why I am posting it even though it’s a little outdated for me. I hope you get something out of it too. Thanks for reading. xxooC

I Am Surviving Loss

It’s been 21 months since my life took a distinct and dramatic turn. Surviving loss means that today I find a completely different me after a year and nine months into this new life I did not choose. I’d like to say I’ve learned a lot since my husband’s passing in June 2020. Everyone calls me strong. I hate that word and I don’t especially like hearing it. I’m not strong, I simply open my eyes everyday. It’s something that must be done because there is no other choice for me.

What Surviving Loss Taught Me

I have struggled almost daily. Grief is a weird thing. I can’t say I understand it any more than the day this journey started. The one and only thing I am absolutely sure of now is, I am still here. I find ways to go on. With surviving any loss comes guilt. That I have also learned. How I deal with the guilt is what matters. At some point if I do not make peace with it, it will destroy the rest of the time I have left here.

Loneliness is another constant struggle of surviving the loss, especially the loss of a companion. I shared meaningful time and space with someone that no longer exists. Now these memories are mine and mine alone. New memories will not erase them or their impact on my life and soul.

Time does not heal all wounds. That saying is a myth and anyone who has lost someone closest to them knows this. Time in fact does heal quite a bit though as I think it has smoothed out my memories. Time allows me to perceive things just a little bit differently. Not so painful as when the event was first experienced. What I mean by this is, I move through time after loss, the event seems further away. As I put new memories and distance between the event and now, my brain somehow begins to interact differently with the world around me becoming more engaged and less stuck. However, the curious thing is that the pain remains. The pain is ever flowing like tidal waves against the beach. Sometimes the waves are small and other days they are big. It would be so nice to have a forecast.

Finding Self

My life has changed so much since that day. As time continues to move forward, the old me becomes less and less familiar. Would he recognize me now? I don’t know, as some days I do not recognize myself. I went through a period of self hate. Grooming habits were thrown aside and became of little interest. My thought pattern was, if I didn’t like myself, I didn’t want anyone else to like me either. But others close to me still, did in fact like me, and had lots of love for me.

My wise daughter once told me I should try to look at myself through my husband’s eyes. She was so right because once I finally could do that, my perspective changed. I loved this body I was given and I didn’t really want to destroy it anymore. After these revelations, I found a bit of joy visiting with my family and I could see they really cared about me, more than I cared about myself. This felt strangely comforting. Maybe that’s more healing.

I’ve read it takes 66 days to form new habits. I’ve also found this to be somewhat true. Trying to get back into the world around me has taken much longer however, practicing one new habit for several weeks has proven to be beneficial to my emergence from paralyzing grief. The smallest of things I considered a huge accomplishment at first. I started with simply texting, no phone calls. Just reaching out to my closest friends that were there for me in the beginning.

Finding Self Love

I also started practicing more self love. This phrase made absolutely no sense to me at first but it means caring for your body. The body still has needs. Food for sustenance, bathing for cleanliness and hygiene, the mind needs stimulation. Small things that felt good and brought a moment of relief from the intense pain. It all was hard at first and I took baby steps but over time, these small gestures of self care grew into love. I think I love myself more than I ever have in my life because I’ve survived this long. After being a couple for more than two decades, I have survived on my own and that is an accomplishment I never thought I would ever see.

indiana dunes at sunset surviving loss

Surviving Continued

I don’t have the answers. I’m not a therapist or a coach. I am only sharing my story. This is my story of grief and surviving loss. Just like every individual is different, every grief story is different. No two are alike. We may share some similarities but we are all different. I believe the key is finding what works to help navigate in the world around us.

Ultimately I will never heal, only learn how to be a functioning member of society again. I don’t believe the pain and sadness will ever go away but now my goal is to balance it with good. My husband would want this for me. I want to honor him and I want his memories to live on.

If you have lost someone, talk about them. Talk about the good times, the stories, their lives. If anything, I’ve learned grief will always be a companion but it doesn’t always have to be the derailing detour it tries to be.

sunflowers blooming surviving loss