Preface: This is a warning that I have been trying to write something for a while, but I am all over the place.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had so many thoughts and ideas about what I want to write about. I would start, then stop, and not finish anything. I kept coming to the breaking point. Furthermore, it always seemed like I had so much to say, but nothing coagulated into a coherent article. Hence, I’ve been dealing with so much, so many emotions. I’ve been in therapy for over a month dealing with feelings I’ve buried and, at the same time, feelings I’m experiencing now, but I don’t understand why.

One theme that kept returning to me is that I’m a widow at 50-something. What does that mean? What expectations are there for me? Do I really care about any of this? How can I begin to process and heal? The ultimate question….”Who am I now???” I decided to embark on a journey. A journey to heal. You can read more about that here.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and self-actualization. I really attribute this to therapy and EMDR. Please reach out with any questions, I will be happy to guide you. It has truly saved me.

I’m a complete mixture of myself and this man I spent 23 years with. That’s it. I am him, and he was me. Now he’s gone; I’m just an amalgamation of us both. Therefore, he will always be in the very fiber of my being, but yet I have to leave and learn how to live without him.

While I understand, like every widow who came before and every widow who exists and will come after me, it’s a complex balancing act, sometimes faking, sometimes real, at the moment facing reality as it comes, and sometimes hitting that breaking point that rearranges everything. Finally, to all of you, I give you props and complete support because only you know what you are going through and what you need. Seek out those people. Hit me up if you have no one. I understand you.

Much love and thank you all for reading. I love you all. — xxooC