Category Archives: Uncategorized

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

More Loss and Finding Hope

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First Comes Loss

I’ve experienced more loss in the past two years than I have my entire life. I am quite sure other folks have had much more than me so I am in no way saying I am special. But with the passing of Lucy, I was able to watch her go. I’ve been preparing for it for a while. Something I didn’t get to do with the other losses in my life. I’ve written about trauma and I believe being present is a special kind of trauma. One that hits hard and shakes to the soul. Losing is one thing, watching the loss was something altogether different for me.

Somehow though, processing this loss has been easier which leads me to the question, am I stuck on the other loss because of the circumstance surrounding the passing? I would love some feedback from others that have had to prepare for a loved one’s passing and were there when it happened. Was the event so traumatic that it alone was hard to recover or did watching the process and preparation make it easier to accept and recover. And please, when I say “recover” I use that term loosely. Recover just means to return to a somewhat normal existence on the surface. Functioning I suppose.

more loss and finding hope in lucy's death. Lucy's noseprint
more loss and finding hope. Lucy's paw print

Next Comes Lost

I’ve said before. Loss is loss and everyone experiences and reacts differently. No one’s experience is right or wrong. I also believe there is no time limit for feelings and emotions. They last as long as they last. I know I’ve somewhat learned to live again, and on the outside I may look like I’ve moved on. My insides say differently. I still get waves of the gut punch and the breathlessness when I think about the life I had, the life I should have, and what will never be.

I visited my doctor recently who is a deeply spiritual man. He looked me in the eyes and told me the only way through grief is through service. Only then will I appreciate what I have now and see past my loss. Those were wise words that I already kind of knew, but hearing them solidified that. I have had the opportunity to do small things since my journey into grief and mourning started and the feeling I felt was indescribable. My doctor also said to make sure I was living a life that honored my husband. A life in which he would still be proud to call me his wife. That hit home. I’ve been lost. A lot. Spiritually and physically.

Finally Hope

So now I’m thinking, maybe I’m getting better at handling loss. With that I mean, maybe I am developing instincts and ways to cope and deal and possibly block out the super painful things that I can’t deal with again. That’s a scary thought. I’ve read and heard of individuals living with PTSD whom never discuss their pain and trauma. Like veterans and refugees. It’s called trauma denial. Some things are just too horrific and the brain will try to forget and not deal with them.

Life is a journey. I never thought mine would lead me here. Something helpful from a previous job, I do try to practice gratitude everyday. I am thankful for the people and family I still have. I am thankful for the things that bring me joy each day. When I lay my head down or wake up in the morning, I know a full day is not promised.

I am hopeful as I continue down this path that there is a place for me somewhere on this earth. Somewhere where once again I can call it mine, and it feels like home. Until then I will continue to wander and do the things that I’ve always wanted that make me smile. Thanks for reading xxooC

Lucy’s Adventures, Uncategorized

Kitty Love, Saying Goodbye

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How We Met

July 2002 was extra special. That was the year my kitty love Lucy was born. And, the month we met. My in-laws had a pay lake out in Waddy, Kentucky. My father-in-law called me a few days after my birthday. He asked if I wanted a kitten that had been orphaned. She was feral and living in the chicken coop on the feed. He caught her in a box trap. I sent my husband to get her. She arrived in a small dog crate. She was very tiny and fit in the palm of my hand. I grabbed her by her scruff and gave her a bath. I removed the fleas I could find and then wrapped her in a towel. She was mine ever since. I named her Lucy. Not for any particular reason other than she just looked like a Lucy.

There was nothing special about this little calico kitten. She was every color a cat could come. Lucy had one leg that was tiger striped. Some gray and black striping, and some white as well. I remember all I wanted was for her to sit with me but all Lucy wanted to do was run and be a kitten. She was curious about everything. Sun loving, always finding the warm spot in the house to catch a nap.

kitty love. lucy looking laying on bed looking at camera

The Early Years

Somewhere around the middle of her life, she calmed down a bit. She was showing that she wanted to be next to me. Her gestures to “pet me, pet me” were heard loud and clear. From 2007-2009 I earned an online degree from home and she was my constant companion every single day. We spent many days together as she laid next to me while I would read, write, and learn. Then Lucy started sleeping with me. The favorite snuggle spots would change now and then, and for a while it was on my head, then on my waist. Sometimes she would tuck herself up against me. Other times she would sleep between the pillows.

Lucy loved to go outside and lay in the sun. She loved to eat grass. She talked, a lot. Not only to me but to others she liked. We developed our own language. Her intentions were clear when she wanted to convey love. There were moments we would just look at each other in acknowledgment of our existence and our connection. She was a soul mate. Not everyone can have a bond with an animal.

To look into another animal’s eyes and feel a connection, we understood each other. She would show me she loves me back by laying her head on me. She showed me by laying her paws on me. By wanting to be with me, by wanting to touch me and be touched. By constantly talking to me. In the end, she was very clear about her wants and needs both physical and emotional.

my kitty love lucy laying on bed with my hand on her belly

Defying The Odds

Then in 2016 she lost a lot of weight. In her glory days when she was healthy, she topped out at 13.5 lbs. She was now down to 9 lbs. Lucy had hyperthyroidism and was put on medication. After starting medication she gained some weight back. Finally in 2017 we received another diagnosis, this time it was lymphoma. The vet gave her 90 days to live. She defied that like she did with so many other things.

Lucy maintained well on her own until the end of last year. Mobility became a struggle. As her medication increased and her physical limitations grew, I decided she needed constant care. I started taking her on my journeys, under vet supervision of course. She seemed happier and we spent a lot of time together. But I knew our time was limited and I could be saying goodbye to her on the road somewhere.

kitty love lucy looking into camera

Goodbye My Love

On August 8 at around 12:15pm, Lucy took her last breathes here on this earth. Her body had been failing her for some time. The whole transition was quick. She let me know that morning there was something wrong and it was time. Although I somehow knew this as she hadn’t eaten since the day before. I held her until she left and then a little longer. Before she left me though, I told her everything I always repeated to her and everything I had been preparing to say up until then.

“I love you. You are my soul mate. If you can come back, please find me. I’ll love you until the day I die and beyond. You were the best kitty in the whole wide world. No one will ever love you as much as I do. I love you most of all and you have been a huge comfort and a loving companion. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for loving me back. I’ll miss you but I know you must go. Don’t be afraid. It’s ok to go. Go to Papa. I’ll be ok. I’m here until the end. I love you.”

And with that, the animal love of my life passed to meet her Papa waiting for her on the other side.

Thank you all for accompanying us on this final journey. I love you all. xxooC

kitty love Lucy sitting on a box
lucy laying on my arm looking at me
lucy laying her head down looking at camera
Uncategorized

Sleep Kitty Sleep

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Sleep Kitty (Do Not Disturb)

I wanted to update you as it’s been a while and Lucy isn’t doing so well. This kitty has been sleeping a lot. She’s been a real trooper but I fear this trip to Georgia has just really taken her down. Every time I leave with her I know it could be her last few days. I feel I’ve prepared myself but it still hurts to see her struggle.

For the moment, she is still eating but it’s just a couple of nibbles throughout the day. She is still drinking water and enjoying doing some small kitty things like cleaning her paws. That is when she is not in sleep kitty mode.

There was an accident as she took a hard spill jumping down from a bed, even though she had stairs to use. Lucy is determined to live the rest of her days on her terms. Unfortunately she is now paying the price and I’m contemplating asking for pain meds as walking has become noticeably painful.

Rundown on Meds

Lucy’s meds remain the same except the vet upped her prednisolone last month. I think this happened after the last update. I have also increased her alprazolam dosage to .25-.5 mg a day. This seems to keep her appetite a little stimulated and she is comfortable. Honestly, she is declining but still in good spirits. She sleeps most of the day. When she is awake, she is alert and always enjoys a good head and chin scratch. She also is purring on occasion but not nearly as frequently as she used to which is another signal we may reach the end of our journey sooner than I thought.

Final Thoughts

I am hoping she makes it back to Kentucky next week. Hard decisions will have to be made if she makes the trip. Lucy has been a very loyal companion for over 20 years. Rest assured she will not be allowed to suffer. I love her too much. Recently, I have seen in her eyes that she is getting tired. Thanks for all of your well wishes and concern for her well being. I love and appreciate you all for following her journey as well as mine. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Grief and Trauma Labels

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What Are Grief and Trauma?

A quick Google search and I found definitions for grief and trauma. Grief is a “deep sorrow caused when something or someone you love has been taken away.” Trauma is an “emotional response to a distressing experience.” So on first glance one would think the two are somewhat related. I tend to disagree. I’ve witnessed trauma from friends that did not experience grief. I have also seen grief without trauma.

PTSD and Distress

It wasn’t until I was coping with uncontrollable physical and mental situations that I was able to distinguish the two. So I did what anyone would do and I went to the doctor. Usually when I would hear of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I would think of service people or victims of natural disasters. I was really surprised when I was diagnosed with PTSD and complicated grief. Neither of which I understood at the time. Then throw in generalized anxiety disorder to this mess for a distressing, no end in sight, anguish.

My PTSD caused me to become stuck. Stuck in only what I can describe as an obsessive thought process. My image kept playing over in my mind on repeat. I was helpless to stop it, to process it, to understand it. This compounded my anxiety which crippled me in the beginning. I knew I needed professional help but who and what was beyond my comprehension. Then one day, while I was at the med spa of all places, my nurse practitioner was working on me and mentioned she knew of a licensed therapist practicing EMDR therapy.

EMDR for Trauma

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Yeah, that’s a mouthful. But basically what this therapy does, is it uses rapid eye movements similar to REM sleep patterns to help the brain reprocess memories and work through them. EMDR uses both sides of the brain. Has it helped? Well, yes and no. Reprocessing is not immediate. It takes time to work through. Afterwards though, my brain is no longer stuck. The once devastating memory holds little power over me. After EMDR therapy is when I was able to start traveling. So that was good, but my body and mind remain damaged. Damaged by the trauma I endured during the event which caused this image in the first place.

My Experience and My Discovery

What I didn’t understand at first is that grief and trauma are completely different things. Each requires a level of processing and therapy that don’t necessarily go together. As often the case with medicine these days, I have become my own advocate. My experience with each has opened my eyes. I carry each with me daily. How I deal with each is different. Understanding this is half the battle for me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to leave one or both behind but I doubt it. I do have hope that one day I will be able to cope with them better today than I did yesterday.

Have you had EMDR or are curious about it? Let’s talk!

Thanks for reading! xxooC

Destinations, Uncategorized

A Horseback Ride in Colorado

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Horseback Ride? Heck YES!

While on my second visit to this wildly adventurous state, I took a horseback ride through the mountains. It’s been a minute since I took this trip to Colorado but I’ve been wanting to tell you about it. I’ll begin by saying I had no idea what I was in for which is usually how my best adventures start. I accompanied a group on this horseback ride which made the day even more exciting.

We used Mt. Princeton Hot Springs Stables in Nathrop. I can not say enough great things about this stable. I highly recommend booking a horseback ride with them if you are ever in the area. The horses are well cared for and the experience was stellar, both times. Check out this about me if you want to know more.

hot springs riding stables parking lot horseback ride
horses lined up to mount for horseback ride
mountain scene while on horseback ride

A Horse Named Maverick

We booked the 3/4 day waterfall trail ride this day. In the beginning I was a little intimidated because first, I’ve never ridden a horse for that long. Second, this was my only my second time on a horse in over 20 years. Luckily, I had just went on a sunset ride a couple of months prior and requested the same horse. Which I got, thankfully. Maverick was his name and he was steady, and sure footed. Previously, on my first ride with him, the stables warned me he would take his own path and wow, they were correct.

me on maverick
Me riding maverick horseback ride
horse in front of me
mountain scene while horseback ride

The morning began as an overcast day. We all met at a trail head where we mounted up. As we rode up one mountain and around to the next, through water and rocky hills, the clouds began to burn off. By the time we arrived at the waterfall, the sun was shining and the day was perfect.

Maverick blazed his own trail and made this horseback ride extra adventurous for me. At one point, the trail narrowed. There was a boulder blocking half of it. After Maverick stopped and surveyed the path, he jumped up and onto the boulder. Then he leapt over it while the other horses went around. Typically the horses would just follow in the footsteps of the horse in front of them but not him. Maverick would carefully survey the trail and choose the best path he wanted to take.

Afterglow

Lastly, I’ll just drop some more photos a couple of videos here at the bottom. This whole day was a surreal experience and I’m grateful for it as it left an impression on my soul. I loved everything from the magnificent views, the endless excitement, and just absorbing being out in nature. I’ve discovered a passion for experiencing remote places where few have gone before. Also this ride rekindled my love of horses. Maverick has a special place in my heart. I hope I get to ride him again someday.

I’ll say it again, if you ever find yourself in or around Mt. Princeton, Buena Vista area of Colorado, be sure to add a horseback ride to your to-do list. So whether you have never been on a horse or you’re a seasoned rider, I promise you won’t regret it!

me at waterfall
me next to the general and maverick horseback ride
me on maverick
on the trail horseback riding
mountain scene
me on top of maverick

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Speaking Up and Confronting Fears

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Speaking Up with Boundaries

I’ve never been the one for speaking up for myself. I admit, I’m a people pleaser. In my childhood I dared not speak my mind. This action always met with fierce condemnation. Therefore I learned quickly not to speak up for myself. This carried into my adolescent and adult life. There were a few rare occasions where I actually did say what I was thinking. When this did happen, I remember pride mixed with astonishment in myself. I was always in awe of the people around me who could easily just snark or put their thoughts out there. In therapy, I discovered these are all learned behaviors. Unlearning a lifetime of unproductive behaviors is difficult. We teach people how to treat us. I also discovered that by not speaking up but staying silent, I am allowing myself to be treated differently than I want.

Now mix grief into this. I thought feeling hopeless would give me courage. It did in some areas of my life but curiously not in this one. I used to watch my husband. He would say something in a room full of people just to watch everyone get triggered and then leave before someone’s head exploded. “This was an art” I often thought. I could never be so bold. Grief however has definitely emboldened me, but not always in the best ways.

Fear with Anxiety

There was a time I was highly self destructive. In this journey I’ve also been highly creative. The real work on myself began in the midst of this trauma. Anxiety disorder is something that comes and goes in my life. Before the past two years, I really hadn’t dealt with it to the extent I have now. With anxiety comes fear. I realized an irrational fear of abandonment is something I’ve had my entire life. Now to actually be abandoned through no one’s fault. Well that has made this fear a reality and that is the cornerstone of where I am today. I know this but I don’t know how to deal with it but I’m learning.

Confronting Fears

Reconnecting for me continues to be difficult. Grief sets new boundaries but knowing one’s boundaries is important. Reinforcing the boundaries set is even more challenging. I had a conversation the other day with a very good friend about this topic. We both knew it and thus we both understood it completely. Talking about it is easy. Putting what I know into practice is something else altogether. Speaking up for myself, through setting and enforcing personal boundaries makes me confront my fears. Fear of ridicule, fear of abandonment by someone who doesn’t want to respect my boundaries. Fear of disappointing, and fear of confrontation.

Speaking Up with Love

So I constantly ask myself the question, “what have I got to lose?” The answer is nothing and I have to remind myself of that. I truly believe we get what we put out into the world. Someone once said to me, if something is said or done with love then it is never bad. My resolution to myself is to walk in love. I choose to love myself hoping that reinforcing my personal boundaries out of love for myself will continue to bring positivity into my life. Those that understand this may stay. Those that don’t may leave.

Do you struggle with personal boundaries? What irrational fears have you experienced? I want to hear from you. xxooC

lake front picture speaking up
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

One More Year and Another Birthday

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Fireworks for another birthday

Navigating Another Birthday

At the beginning of this journey after losing my spouse, I was unable to cope with my feelings. At all. Unable to feel the correct feelings or over feeling seemed to last longer than I expected. In 2020 my husband left just before my birthday. I had a few friends and family message me “happy birthday” with very unforeseen consequences for them and me. This lovingly sent message unleashed something terrifying inside me. I still don’t know exactly what it was but the closest I can come to describing it was rage.

I hit back and I hit back hard. As I’ve said before, I make no apologies for what I felt, what I feel, and how I express myself when it comes to my grief. This year has been a little different. As I watch these same friends and family tip toe around my birthday today, they still don’t know where I am or how I will react. The sting is gone. Now only a deep sadness remains. Sure I’m having a birthday, I’m one year older. I’ll celebrate with a piece of cake later and probably a drink. I’ve come much further than I could ever have imagined just two years ago. But what does that mean?

This is Where I am Now

I’m certainly not over this huge loss and trauma I’ve experienced. I’m reminded of that every time I have a panic attack, or my PTSD rears it’s head with a grip so tight it paralyzes me. Am I becoming normalized to this new existence? I believe so. Isn’t that what time does though? It normalizes us by subjecting us to the pain and constant bombardment of the terrible things so we can wake up, expect it and still move through our lives. At least that’s what it seems.

So today was another revelation that I just may be able to look forward to a time with a little less pain. Maybe a little less disfunction. And just possibly a little hope and dare I say, a brief little bit of happiness.

birthday cake

Again, thanks for reading my ramblings. Love you all xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

My Engagement Ring, A Love Story

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tiffany & company clock in las vegas

Engagement Ring Shopping, NOT

I love Tiffany & Co. I try to visit every store I can when I find one. The service is exceptional and I just love the iconic jewelry. I enjoy everything about just being inside the store. The quote from Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany’s is true “…nothing very bad could happen to you there.” But this is not a plug for Tiffany’s and that’s not what I was really trying tell you about. Also I need to add my engagement ring did not come from Tiffany’s.

A section of Tiffany’s I usually try to avoid at all costs is the bridal and anniversary section. Because let’s face it. First, I can’t afford anything there. That’s beyond the obvious fact I’m neither getting married or will ever have another anniversary so I figure, hey why tempt myself. Anyway, somehow I ended up strolling through this section in Portland, Oregon over my birthday weekend. I was struck by the Tiffany single solitaire diamond. We’ve all seen it in the magazines. This ring is much more beautiful in person which made me think of my engagement ring with it’s long sorted history.

My Engagement Ring Story

My late husband’s proposal was definitely a story to accompany my engagement ring. Not a beautiful, romantic story as I have heard others tell, but still an interesting one nonetheless. He started by asking what my favorite stone shape was and I answered him with a princess cut. That’s all he needed. He went to a family owned jewelry store and the sales girl helped him pick out a diamond. Then the setting. Side note, after he proposed he tells me he put back the original diamond he chose as he thought it would be “too large and overpower my hand.” To which I thought what girl would ever choose the smaller diamond? But I dared not say that out loud. My ring was gorgeous. The most beautiful ring I had ever seen and my man picked it all out himself. I fell in love with my diamond.

my engagement ring

Next he took me on a trip back to his hometown of Valparaiso, Indiana. He waited until my birthday in 1997. We stayed at his friend’s house. We woke up in a small but quant bedroom. He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. We were married in February the following year.

For our fifth anniversary I asked for more bling. So we traded in my old wedding set, a cathedral platinum setting for a band with more diamonds. This band had a row of 3 baguette diamonds down each side. Again, my man picked this out for me. I loved it. We threw in a plain platinum circular wedding band. This was my set. I wore it with pride and loved it for many years.

Perfectly Imperfect

That was until I broke a prong. I took it in to be repaired. The jewelry store (I won’t mention any names because the story takes a good turn) tried to “fix” it. They destroyed my ring. It could not be fixed. The manager refused to give me a new one or replace the diamond prong setting. It never looked the same. I was devastated. For over ten years I had a ring that brought me to tears when I looked at it. I couldn’t wear it. So I put it away.

Then one day, I was working at the mall. A new manager from the same jewelry store was in shopping. She handed me a card trying to recruit me or anyone I knew. I told her my story. She invited me to bring my ring in. My hopes were not high. She had the diamond setting replaced and made it look just like it did when I bought it. All for free. I cried, and cried some more. I loved my ring again.

Lost And Found

Fast forward now to about two weeks before my husband died. We travelled south to our daughter’s wedding. I tore my jewelry box apart on my closet floor looking for something borrowed for her to wear. My engagement ring had fallen on the carpet and I didn’t see it when I returned everything back to my jewelry box. After we returned home, and exactly six days before he passed, my husband found my ring on the carpet. He commented “here’s your engagement ring” and laid it on the shelf in the closet. Then he died.

I was going through things shortly after just putting valuables together and I saw my ring. Sitting there, on the shelf he put it on. He was the last person to touch my engagement ring, and there it was. This ring that had meant so much to the two of us. A promise between us. Till death do us part. I put it on and wore it for many months. Then I took it off.

Another Reminder

My moment in Tiffany’s reminded me of my perfect, beautiful ring. A symbol of a life and a union that no longer exists. As I have been reminded several times during my new widowhood, I am no longer considered married. I can’t wear it. I don’t know what to do with it. At this moment in time, I can’t bear the thought of removing the diamonds or shaping it into something else. Maybe that will come in time. I’m finding a lot of things I can’t hold onto anymore but I am unable to let go of.

So for once, Tiffany’s was not my happy place but a crossroads for me. I realized I will always live with one foot in this life, and one in that one. These moments will continue to come. For how long, I don’t have the answer to that. Thanks for reading. xxooC

Is there anything you have been holding onto from a life you no longer have?

Destinations, Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Going Home, A Midwest Story

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sunset on indiana beach going home

Going Up North

The drive didn’t take long. The usual four and a half hours. This trip was different though. This time I was going to do something that was long overdue. My husband is going home. I’m taking his ashes back to his home state of Indiana. I decided to spread part of his ashes on the Lake Michigan beach called The Dunes, where he grew up and spent a lot of time. He moved to Kentucky back in the early nineties but family is still there, and very close friends. We frequented his old haunts quite often throughout our more than two decades together. Chicago and northern Indiana was a trip we traveled often.

Going Home After 2 Years

The morning came and I woke up more anxious. I’ve never had negative feelings about putting him somewhere and although I know and love his family, I think having them all in one place and the actual experience of saying goodbye is what put me on edge. The finality. As I said, this was long overdue. We all gathered a little after 7pm.

Some friends and family members I had seen recently, some not. The homecoming was good. It was peaceful. He would have approved. There at dusk, we stood in a circle and told stories about him like he was truly gone, but yet not really. The way I have felt for two years, others shared my feelings. The exact same feeling. I’m always astounded in hearing how much he touched lives. Lives that I was completely unaware. There is always a story somewhere that surprises me. This gathering was no different. The loss was apparent. Brother, son, friend, uncle, father, they all were there. The life of this man cut so short. The pain I experience is also experienced by each and every person attending this gathering. The relationship may be different but loss is universal to the human existence.

sand covering my husband's ashes on indiana beach going home

Afterwards

The whole thing, I hate to call it a ceremony, I don’t think he would approve of anything formal and I just want to call it going home. Anyway, the whole thing lasted longer than I expected. It was way more emotional than I expected also. At the end I put him in the sand. No prophetic words, nothing. I had nothing to say. I’ve already said it all. I still say it, I can’t believe a life is over. His life. Our life. My hope is that one day, when all of the ashes are gone, I will find peace.

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Reconnecting After Grief

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The Grieving Process

the stages of grief, reconnecting after grief

Grief has no time limit. I’ve heard that a lot. I’ve also read there are stages to grief. Some professionals say there are 5 stages, some say 7 stages. I’m not trying to tell you some doctor has all of the answers. Personally I think it’s all garbage because every person is different. Every person deals with grief in their own way and no way is right or wrong. My personal opinion however is that grief never leaves. So I wanted to talk about the struggle of reconnecting after grief.

I chose to limit my world. I disconnected from just about everyone and everything. My psyche had to. My journey is much different than most but still I walk the path with everyone else suffering with loss in one way or another. Grief is grief.

quote from the after glow reconnecting after grief

As you know, this blog isn’t about me reconnecting to anything really. It’s about putting my own personal journeys out there because well, I was asked to. Maybe not by you in particular but the one reoccurring statement I kept hearing was “I would love to do what you’re doing. You should write about it.” And so I realized I was doing something I had always wanted to do but life gets in the way of the best intentions and dreams. When all of those things I valued in life were shattered into a million pieces, I simply started doing what made me feel ok in that moment.

Reconnecting to Possibilities

sunrise in sanibel island florida

When Eric and I first visited Sanibel Island, Florida all those years ago (about 22 years ago I think), the internet wasn’t what it is today. Review sites didn’t exist. There were still hard copy guest books in the condos. I remember reading an entry from someone who had stayed in our condo for 4 weeks prior and I thought to myself, “where would one be in life to be able to just go and stay a month on the beach?” What would that take to be possible, as working remotely also wasn’t a thing back then. I had a child, 2 jobs, a husband, a house, numerous animals and lots of other obligations in my young adult life. That thought has always stuck with me until I had none of those things any more. Ok, well maybe the animals. They keep multiplying no matter what I do.

Reconnecting After Grief

My decision to travel also came with a price. Reconnection. Reconnection to the world and to people I wasn’t sure I was ready for. I found reconnecting to anything in my prior life extremely difficult and uncomfortable. That’s why my very first trip to Sanibel Island was Traveled Alone. I knew the place. I loved it. It was solitude. A place to recharge and make some important discoveries and decisions about the direction I wanted to go next. None of those things actually happened of course. I spent most of the time crying, and drinking, and crying some more. And then drinking some more. What did happen though was I met two women. They were both widows. They didn’t know each other, I met them each at separate times.

One was a sales associate in a toy store. After her loss, she packed up and moved across Florida. She started a life where no one knew her. She keeps in contact with her children and grandchildren but that’s it. The other was a real estate agent. She too sold or donated everything she owned, packed up and moved to a different city to start over.

I would have never met either of them if I hadn’t shared my story first. Even though their events were distant memories of a life long gone I could still see their buried, very familiar pain. This made me wonder, am I really going to ever get “better” or does time simply change the physical circumstances? I still don’t have an answer to that question. But each of them figured out what was needed to reconnect to something. That gave me a shred of hope.

footprints in the sand

What Reconnecting Looks Like Now

When we have nothing anything is possible. I try to remind myself of this frequently. Don’t even get me started on the “stuff” aspect. Decluttering and my views on “things” in general have shifted 180* since moving in 2019. I think that might be another post eventually.

My point is this, reconnecting is hard but sometimes necessary. After loss, it’s even more difficult and deeply personal. I’m taking one connection at a time. There was a time when I couldn’t. At all. Not today. Then tomorrow came and maybe it was just one person. Now I’ve become good at navigating multiple people on a daily basis but I don’t make apologies when I can’t. Oh, and internally nothing has really changed from day 10, to day 100, to day 450 in my grief journey. I’m not some rock star and I haven’t gotten anything figured out. I may look like I have a lot of fun on my adventures and I do. I also still do a lot of crying and that’s ok.

I’m not the same person I was before June two years ago. I don’t have the same relationships I did then. Some are better, some not so much. Some not at all. That’s ok too. With reconnecting comes discovery and acceptance. If you too are on a journey where you’re finding it hard to connect, know your people are out there. You just may not have connected yet. What’s been your struggle?

Thanks for reading. xxooC

Destinations, Uncategorized

About My Leg- The Other Tattoo Story

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St. James

Here is the other tattoo story I told you I would get to. It’s about my leg. Well my leg is where it landed, the tattoo was happening regardless. This tattoo idea actually started way back in the early 2000’s. If you are a Louisville native then you probably have heard of the St. James Art Show. I used to go every day, every year.

business card by ric chin

The Chins

I stopped to see works by an artist Ric Chin. Ric was born in Hong Kong and grew up in New York City. When I spoke with him, he was living in Greensboro, North Carolina. I’m sad to report that since the original writing of this article, Ric has also left this world.

Now when I would go to the local art festival, I would stop into his tent which he occupied with his wife, on more than one occasion for years. He specialized in oriental pieces, mostly watercolors. Every chance I could until he and his wife stopped coming, I would visit Ric. He and I had many conversations about his life and life in general. He was a very talented and interesting man.

The Idea About My Leg

kanji names in traditional chinese. about my leg tattoo

One year, he had made small prints of several paintings and he was writing names on them with a paint pen for a price. He explained to me that there were no kanji symbols equal to names in traditional Chinese. Kanji has phonetics and therefore the symbols he wrote were to be sounded out but he guaranteed his work. As we also talked in length about tattoos. He loved the art. He was also a consultant. In Greensboro especially, tattoo studios would send him what the client wanted written and he would send it back in traditional Chinese for a fee. So I asked him to write mine, Eric’s, and Emily’s names.

I hung them in the hallway of our house for many years. They hung with other artwork I had purchased from Ric. When we moved in 2019, I didn’t hang much on the walls so everything remained stored. Once I returned and found them I knew I wanted mine and Eric’s name tattooed on me with his cremains mixed in. Now to find an artist.

An Artist for My Leg

I knew the exact person for the job. My friend Kaitlin Fox down at Sacred Art Tattoo & Piercing in New Port Richey, Florida. I hit her up and lucky for me, she was excited to do it.

kaitlin working on my leg tattoo
about my leg tattoo kaitlin my artist

This would be Kaitlin’s first time working with cremains so about 48 hours of heavy research went into the process. Eric had worked with cremains before and from what I knew, it wasn’t as straightforward as it might seem. Once we both understood the ink mixing process it was time to get started.

tattoo stencil
finished kanji tattoo on my leg

Strange Events

The whole tattoo took less than an hour I believe. A strange thing happened when I opened the urn. An electricity spun up out of the urn and traveled through the air. The air became light and almost took on a different hue. That feeling surrounded us and stayed with us until the end. Then it was suddenly gone as quickly as it arrived. We both noticed it, we both felt it.

Reflections

I’m so excited to wear this tattoo and my lower thigh was the perfect spot. Kaitlin did a stellar job making Ric’s brush strokes look exact. I couldn’t be more pleased. I’m so proud of it and it’s so original. I smile every single time I look at it.

So that’s it. That’s my story. While a few other unexplained, strange phenomenon happened in the studio that day, I’m going to leave you here. If you want to know you may ask but you must keep an open mind. It’s not for the faint of heart. Thank you Kaitlin, thank you Ric, and thank you for reading. xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Healing A Tattoo? How Does Tattoo Wrap Help?

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Have You Had Problems Healing A Tattoo?

Tattoo Wrap Aftercare box with red background. Healing a new tattoo

Do you want to protect your new tattoo as it heals? Often daily activities can get in the way of your aftercare which can inhibit proper healing of a tattoo. This can result in longer healing times, damage to artwork and skin, and overall complications. Are you looking for a faster way to heal your tattoos with minimal to no effort? 

Tattoo Wrap Brand Bandages are for YOU!

Tattoo Wrap Brand Hydrocolloid product is an occlusive waterproof dressing. Hydrocolloids apply a combination of gel-forming polymers and adhesives to a thin film. Together these form an absorbent, self-adhesive, waterproof Bandage. These bandages create a matrix over the wound, acting as a scab, which allows the body to retain the good fluids and protects your skin and aids in the healing process.

Using Tattoo Wrap Is Easy

Either your artist or yourself can easily apply Tattoo Wrap. Simply wash your hands and make sure your tattoo is clean. Pull up a corner and slowly start to apply it to the skin like any other bandage. Tattoo Wrap is easily customizable by cutting to fit, or piecing together. It can fit any size tattoo on any just about any part of the body. Pull the adhesive off while gently applying the gel dressing and that’s it. Your tattoo will heal quicker and easier with no more thought to it.

How Do I Get Some for My Healing Tattoo?

Luckily for you, you’ve come to the right spot. Just click on the link here and you or artist can order direct. Any more questions? Just ask our experts. Tattoo Wrap was designed by artists for artists and their clients but you don’t have to be an artist to purchase. Let us know what you think of Tattoo Wrap.

Thanks for reading!!