Tag Archives: #grief

Reconnecting After Grief

June 7, 2022 The Blue Widow 6 Comments

The Grieving Process

the stages of grief, reconnecting after grief

Grief has no time limit. I’ve heard that a lot. I’ve also read there are stages to grief. Some professionals say there are 5 stages, some say 7 stages. I’m not trying to tell you some doctor has all of the answers. Personally I think it’s all garbage because every person is different. Every person deals with grief in their own way and no way is right or wrong. My personal opinion however is that grief never leaves. So I wanted to talk about the struggle of reconnecting after grief.

I chose to limit my world. I disconnected from just about everyone and everything. My psyche had to. My journey is much different than most but still I walk the path with everyone else suffering with loss in one way or another. Grief is grief.

quote from the after glow reconnecting after grief

As you know, this blog isn’t about me reconnecting to anything really. It’s about putting my own personal journeys out there because well, I was asked to. Maybe not by you in particular but the one reoccurring statement I kept hearing was “I would love to do what you’re doing. You should write about it.” And so I realized I was doing something I had always wanted to do but life gets in the way of the best intentions and dreams. When all of those things I valued in life were shattered into a million pieces, I simply started doing what made me feel ok in that moment.

Reconnecting to Possibilities

When Eric and I first visited Sanibel Island, Florida all those years ago (about 22 years ago I think), the internet wasn’t what it is today. Review sites didn’t exist. There were still hard copy guest books in the condos. I remember reading an entry from someone who had stayed in our condo for 4 weeks prior and I thought to myself, “where would one be in life to be able to just go and stay a month on the beach?” What would that take to be possible, as working remotely also wasn’t a thing back then. I had a child, 2 jobs, a husband, a house, numerous animals and lots of other obligations in my young adult life. That thought has always stuck with me until I had none of those things any more. Ok, well maybe the animals. They keep multiplying no matter what I do.

Reconnecting After Grief

My decision to travel also came with a price. Reconnection. Reconnection to the world and to people I wasn’t sure I was ready for. I found reconnecting to anything in my prior life extremely difficult and uncomfortable. That’s why my very first trip to Sanibel Island was Traveled Alone. I knew the place. I loved it. It was solitude. A place to recharge and make some important discoveries and decisions about the direction I wanted to go next. None of those things actually happened of course. I spent most of the time crying, and drinking, and crying some more. And then drinking some more. What did happen though was I met two women. They were both widows. They didn’t know each other, I met them each at separate times.

One was a sales associate in a toy store. After her loss, she packed up and moved across Florida. She started a life where no one knew her. She keeps in contact with her children and grandchildren but that’s it. The other was a real estate agent. She too sold or donated everything she owned, packed up and moved to a different city to start over.

I would have never met either of them if I hadn’t shared my story first. Even though their events were distant memories of a life long gone I could still see their buried, very familiar pain. This made me wonder, am I really going to ever get “better” or does time simply change the physical circumstances? I still don’t have an answer to that question. But each of them figured out what was needed to reconnect to something. That gave me a shred of hope.

What Reconnecting Looks Like Now

When we have nothing anything is possible. I try to remind myself of this frequently. Don’t even get me started on the “stuff” aspect. Decluttering and my views on “things” in general have shifted 180* since moving in 2019. I think that might be another post eventually.

My point is this, reconnecting is hard but sometimes necessary. After loss, it’s even more difficult and deeply personal. I’m taking one connection at a time. There was a time when I couldn’t. At all. Not today. Then tomorrow came and maybe it was just one person. Now I’ve become good at navigating multiple people on a daily basis but I don’t make apologies when I can’t. Oh, and internally nothing has really changed from day 10, to day 100, to day 450 in my grief journey. I’m not some rock star and I haven’t gotten anything figured out. I may look like I have a lot of fun on my adventures and I do. I also still do a lot of crying and that’s ok.

I’m not the same person I was before June two years ago. I don’t have the same relationships I did then. Some are better, some not so much. Some not at all. That’s ok too. With reconnecting comes discovery and acceptance. If you too are on a journey where you’re finding it hard to connect, know your people are out there. You just may not have connected yet. What’s been your struggle?

Thanks for reading. xxooC

Destinations, Uncategorized

About My Leg- The Other Tattoo Story

June 3, 2022 The Blue Widow 1 Comment

St. James

Here is the other tattoo story I told you I would get to. It’s about my leg. Well my leg is where it landed, the tattoo was happening regardless. This tattoo idea actually started way back in the early 2000’s. If you are a Louisville native then you probably have heard of the St. James Art Show. I used to go every day, every year.

The Chins

I stopped to see works by an artist Ric Chin. Ric was born in Hong Kong and grew up in New York City. When I spoke with him, he was living in Greensboro, North Carolina. I’m sad to report that since the original writing of this article, Ric has also left this world.

Now when I would go to the local art festival, I would stop into his tent which he occupied with his wife, on more than one occasion for years. He specialized in oriental pieces, mostly watercolors. Every chance I could until he and his wife stopped coming, I would visit Ric. He and I had many conversations about his life and life in general. He was a very talented and interesting man.

The Idea About My Leg

kanji names in traditional chinese. about my leg tattoo

One year, he had made small prints of several paintings and he was writing names on them with a paint pen for a price. He explained to me that there were no kanji symbols equal to names in traditional Chinese. Kanji has phonetics and therefore the symbols he wrote were to be sounded out but he guaranteed his work. As we also talked in length about tattoos. He loved the art. He was also a consultant. In Greensboro especially, tattoo studios would send him what the client wanted written and he would send it back in traditional Chinese for a fee. So I asked him to write mine, Eric’s, and Emily’s names.

I hung them in the hallway of our house for many years. They hung with other artwork I had purchased from Ric. When we moved in 2019, I didn’t hang much on the walls so everything remained stored. Once I returned and found them I knew I wanted mine and Eric’s name tattooed on me with his cremains mixed in. Now to find an artist.

An Artist for My Leg

I knew the exact person for the job. My friend Kaitlin Fox down at Sacred Art Tattoo & Piercing in New Port Richey, Florida. I hit her up and lucky for me, she was excited to do it.

This would be Kaitlin’s first time working with cremains so about 48 hours of heavy research went into the process. Eric had worked with cremains before and from what I knew, it wasn’t as straightforward as it might seem. Once we both understood the ink mixing process it was time to get started.

Strange Events

The whole tattoo took less than an hour I believe. A strange thing happened when I opened the urn. An electricity spun up out of the urn and traveled through the air. The air became light and almost took on a different hue. That feeling surrounded us and stayed with us until the end. Then it was suddenly gone as quickly as it arrived. We both noticed it, we both felt it.

Reflections

I’m so excited to wear this tattoo and my lower thigh was the perfect spot. Kaitlin did a stellar job making Ric’s brush strokes look exact. I couldn’t be more pleased. I’m so proud of it and it’s so original. I smile every single time I look at it.

So that’s it. That’s my story. While a few other unexplained, strange phenomenon happened in the studio that day, I’m going to leave you here. If you want to know you may ask but you must keep an open mind. It’s not for the faint of heart. Thank you Kaitlin, thank you Ric, and thank you for reading. xxooC

Destinations, Uncategorized

New Tattoos And More Adventure

May 28, 2022 The Blue Widow 1 Comment

A different direction

I got new tattoos. It’s a subject I haven’t talked about much. The whole process of thinking and doing was all very emotional because as we all know, my old artist (my husband Eric) is no longer with us. This left me with a lot of unfinished work. After owning a tattoo studio for 13 years, I have a wonderful network of support which also includes some very talented tattooers. While out west last year, I found myself back in familiar territory in the Pacific Northwest. This afforded me an opportunity to finish some work on my arm and what will eventually be a coverup on my back. This wasn’t the only work I’ve had done recently, but I’ll talk about that in another upcoming post.

As I mentioned, I traveled up to Beaverton, Oregon which is just outside of Portland. Back in 2009, Eric did an extended guest spot at a shop. So naturally I stopped into Tattoo 42 to see what’s new. I was beyond surprised and thrilled when founder and partner Rich Shires offered to work on my left arm. I had earlier plans to cover up the top of my arm with a black-out piece like my leg, but Rich decided I needed something more special.

New tattoos and fresh perspective

The entirety of my arm tattoo from wrist to shoulder evolved over about 12 days. First came the mandala which still has more time left before we call it finished. Then the hexagram pattern followed by the pattern inside that.

mandala stencil on arm before new tattoos

In the next few sessions Rich hard lined all of my existing tattoos. They weren’t up until this point and that little difference made Eric’s work really pop. We added my grandson’s names next to my roman numeral 1994 for my daughter’s birth year.

new tattoos names next to freshly outlined older tattoo

new name tattoo next to newly outlined older tattoo

Next was a cover up of a previous tattoo Rich did for me in 2011 on the inside of my wrist. That tattoo also was covered with a mandala for continuity. Finally, we chose a cube design as a background to tie it all together. Oh, and the bar design inside the hex covered a negative space ohm, so Rich included a new one that’s even better! I still have the inner part of my upper arm left for whatever tattoo ideas we come up with next.

old tattoo before coverup with new tattoos

Rich was super patient and guided me in a direction I was comfortable with. Covering some of Eric’s work was hard but it was what I had planned before so I made peace with it.

Healing and aftercare plug

For healing Rich has developed this amazing product Tattoo Wrap. It’s a hydrocolloidal bandage that I can wear under any clothing. I can not say enough great things about it and yes, I’m shamelessly plugging it because we used it on every tattoo, after every session except one and the difference was notable. Tattoo Wrap protects, aids in healing, and can get wet. My tattoos healed quicker and better than anything else I’ve ever tried. I know what you’re thinking…”but I have my way and that works for me.” Yes yes, I did too but really I ask you, doesn’t not having to worry about bumping, scraping, and rubbing a new tattoo sound amazing? Well it is and that’s the last I’m going to say. Just try it. You won’t be sorry. Then tell your friends.

new tattoos on back covered with tattoo wrap

Takeaway thoughts on my new tattoos

Total hours I think I counted more than 25 and I can’t remember exactly how many days were tattoo days. My leg coverup was three consecutive days of tattooing. My arm was more. I have a new pain threshold. Did it hurt? Yes, of course but surprisingly not as bad as I expected had you told me this was what we were going to do. End result is that I love it so much. The integrity of Eric’s tattoo work is preserved and enhanced.

I can’t wait to go back and finish. What do you think I should put on the inside of my upper arm?

Questions? Comments? Please leave them below. Thanks for reading! xxooC

Update -Arm Finished (Yay!)

As of this writing, I journeyed once more to Beaverton, Oregon. There we finished my arm with a piece on the inside upper portion. For this space I chose a design near and dear to my heart. The tattoo contains a Moon for me (Cancer), and a sun for my sister (Leo), and a guiding star for us at the top. Rich drew this right on my arm. A custom piece just for that spot. I love it and now it’s finished.

Granted, I still need some touch ups. Some shading was added to the cover up hex pattern. Also there were touch ups to some of the linework and highlights. Tell me what you think! xxoo-C

(Updated July 23, 2022)

Destinations, Uncategorized

Pendleton Oregon

May 27, 2022 The Blue Widow Leave a comment

Portland to Pendleton Oregon

I passed through Pendleton Oregon as I drove Interstate 84 out of The Dulles and the Columbia River Gorge traveling from Portland to Boise. I have driven this stretch of highway twice now and both times was in awe by this mountain that rises up in a distance. The climb is intimidating, and so much so that this stretch is actually called Deadman Pass. This particular stretch of road is about 52 miles long and you can read more about it here on Roads To Travel website.

The road is winding and steep but once up top, it undoubtedly ranks as one of the best rest stop views I have encountered thus far. At the top of the first mountain is a small pull off. The actual pull off is kind of hidden from the highway. There are no restrooms. There is no vending. Just a couple of trashcans, a small covered area, and lots of views.

I was excited planning this article as I wanted to write something about this little spot for a while now. My first time driving it, regretfully I did not stop or take any pictures. On my second time through Pendleton Oregon, I just had to. The sun was just beginning to set and there was electricity in the air. I don’t think my pictures do it any justice, but here’s what I have.

view on highway going towards pendleton oregon lookout

About Pendleton Oregon

Pendleton sits in Umatilla County at the base of the Blue Mountain Range which stretches from northeastern Oregon to southeastern Washington State. Pendleton Oregon was founded in the 1860’s. If you want to know more history, here is the Pendleton Website. The elevation is 1200 feet. I did not visit the town, although now it is on my to-do list for next time. It’s mainly agricultural and known for it’s textiles and rodeos.

The Lookout

As I said earlier, the lookout itself is hidden however there some views still visible in the rearview mirror. There are signs on the highway directing the turn off though. Elevation of the lookout is 3045 feet. Standing in front of my truck, with the wind blowing was almost magical. The view stretches for miles. If you ever find yourself along I84 or near Pendleton Oregon, I highly suggest a pit stop. It’s well worth the extra couple of minutes.

Thanks for reading! xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Saying Goodbye, When You Really Can’t

May 21, 2022 The Blue Widow Leave a comment

Saying Goodbye is Hard

Let’s face it. Goodbye seems so final. Unless you really don’t like someone but that’s not what this is about. A quick Google search led me to an article in Scientific American about the meaning of the word goodbye and why we say it. “It’s a contraction of “God be with ye,” which conveys a blessing or prayer or hope that the person upon whom it’s bestowed will travel safely.”

I’ve always avoided saying goodbye to anyone because the word just seemed infinitely not what I wanted to say, ever. So instead of saying goodbye, I would say “until next time.” It’s more fun and doesn’t have an ending. It connotates “until I see you again” which may or may not ever happen. It also has a light, airy feeling about it. Way more fun and easy.

Water with rocks and birds. Saying Goodbye

What happens when you can’t say goodbye because you didn’t? And now you can’t. Now, today is a situation in which you will never ever see this person again. Well, let me tell you from experience that you start over thinking every last words that were said between you. Then it hits you, no matter how much you wanted it to be there, there was no goodbye.

What Now?

Again I ask, so what now? Endless days of guilt evolve and play out. Coulda-shoulda-woulda is a constant companion. Until one day enough is enough. Yes, we are talking about me but I know I am not the only one. I am not the first to experience what I have experienced, and I know I will not be the last. I recognize there is nothing at all special about me or my circumstance. All I can do is tell you my story and hope it helps someone.

The Answer is NOT the Answer

I don’t have any answers. I spend every day saying goodbye all over again. I’ll never get that chance back but I have to find a way to live with that and it not eat me from the inside out. In the end, it really doesn’t matter to anyone else now that there was no saying goodbye. But we didn’t.

All we said was “I love you” instead. Because you see, we had friends experience something similar to this but it was early on in our relationship. One of them died, unexpectedly. We talked about it a lot. It almost haunted us for a couple of weeks. We never wanted that to happen to us. So we decided never to go to bed, hang up a call, or part ways without saying “I love you.” So I guess in a sense, we did say goodbye. And on most days, that gives me peace.

Me walking on the beach on Sanibel Island Florida. Saying goodbye to the day.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. I love you all. XxooC

Destinations, Uncategorized

Four Wheeling In Colorado

May 19, 2022 The Blue Widow Leave a comment

Labor Day in Colorado

I want to start off by saying I’ve never been four wheeling in the mountains. I don’t have any experience with four wheeling in general. It’s just not something I do however, who am I to say no to adventure? This day was just extra to an already incredible trip as I’m about to tell you.

I had the good fortune to be able to accompany a wonderful group to Colorado over Labor Day last year. This was not my first time to the Rockies. Without a doubt it was a memorable trip. Again, like so many other adventures, I had no idea what I was in for. The mountains are so beautiful but so much of them are inaccessible without a four wheel drive. It was strictly sight seeing.

Road Conditions

In my opinion, Colorado uses the word “road” loosely. I was kind of shocked what qualified as a road but I had no expectations. Driving was slow, about 3-5 miles per hour in some spots. Four wheeling up the mountains is definitely a thing and not just for jeeps. I saw other four wheel vehicles traversing the terrain which was very bumpy. To the point I had to hold on, tightly. I hit my head and my elbow at separate times. I’m laughing at describing it now. The whole experience was great but I should have known. I mean, looking at a mountain of that size, how else does one get up it?

Four Wheeling Mt. Antero

I can’t tell you the path we took. I do know the trip started up Mt. Antero. We came close to the summit, and then took another road over to Mt. Whitey. According to Dangerous Roads website Mt. Antero is one of the highest, unpaved roads in Colorado and the USA.

More tidbits of information about Mt. Antero can be found here on the Official USDA Website. I was surprised to learn it has the largest gem mines in the lower 48 and it’s everyone’s responsibility when on the mountain to know if you are on a staked claim. The signs are everywhere but aren’t always clear.

The views are just so breath taking once past the tree line. To stand up in the clouds at that altitude is life changing.

panorama from a resting spot on mt. antero

Four Wheeling Over To Mt. Whitey

The treachery of these trails for beginners can not be overly stressed enough. These trips are not for the faint of heart nor are they for anyone scared of heights but they are exciting! We drove very close to the summit of Mt. Whitey. So close I hiked to the summit. Here are a few photos.

I Thought I Saw A Lake

After Mt. Whitey, I spotted a lake amongst trees. It was off in the distance, in the valley. What looks small from a distance actually can be really big. The valley was a full on forest. The road down was long and bumpy. The trees hid the road so once we got into the forest we weren’t really sure where we were going. I didn’t make it to the lake. Ok, we got lost and the road became more than we were willing to risk. The road didn’t really look sketchy but it was and chancing it was too great. No phone reception would have made getting stuck or blowing a tire difficult to say the least.

The road and trip back was just as exciting. We met some new friends along the way. The sky was beautiful. The day seemed to last forever. The whole four wheeling trip took about 6 hours. It was well worth the time and bumps and bruises.

I could not keep my phone still!

Takaways

Besides being an amazingly memorable trip, yes I would absolutely do it again. I would also highly recommend it. List of things to bring would include plenty of water. Be prepared to get out and hike if you want to see more awesome views. Above the tree line was windy so dress accordingly. Be sure to bring snacks as the day can be long. Don’t forget your sunglasses. Oh, and one of the most important things would be a map. The roads are clearly marked but if you have no idea where you are, that could be a problem.

Take care and I hope you enjoyed reading about my four wheeling adventure up the Colorado mountains.

panorama from a resting point on mt. whitey

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Spreading Ashes -Our Final Journey

May 15, 2022 The Blue Widow 8 Comments

Before the Spreading:

Spreading ashes. Wow, this topic is so personal. Widows I’ve met and everyone in my grief groups agree this to be a taboo topic. Everyone has a different idea of what is “ok” to do with human cremains. I knew I wanted to do something to honor him. I didn’t want to just leave him in a jar on top of whatever dresser. But what felt right? We never talked about these sorts of things but I feel after spending 23 years together, I have a pretty good idea of what he thought and felt about everything.

I carried him around for a while, (in the urn and then eventually in a small baggie) before spreading his ashes. When the time came, I started in SoCal. Then it all did just feet right.

During the Spreading:

San Bernardino, the scene of so many raves and so many great memories we shared. I took him to Hard Summer on his birthday in July 2021. It was just a few minutes before midnight and I was beyond incoherent. I suddenly remembered I had planned on spreading his ashes, at least the part I had brought with me. I had tucked him into my shoe and was pretty much walking around on him the whole night. Did I mention I was beyond wasted?? Anyway….

The pond at NOS Center for Hard Summer 2021

Me and my friends Sam and Kristian at Hard Summer 2021 before spreading ashes

With my friends Sam and Kristian, we headed to a spot Eric and I had frequented on our journeys there. We found the smallest of spots in the earth that wasn’t covered in astroturf and I spread him there. Under a tree. There to rest and party with all that comes next. It brings a gentle smile when I see someone else post a picture of that spot.

The pond NOS where we liked to go during a show

Eric and I at Escape Show in San Bernardino 2018

After that, I realized he would not want me to hoard his ashes. Now I carry him everywhere I go. We had never went to Colorado although it was on the list of places to visit. After climbing past the tree line on Mt. Antero, I knew this was a place he should be. So I left him there too.

Mt Antero where I spread my husband's ashes

Next up was another Colorado visit. This time to Denver and Red Rocks. Red Rocks was on the bucket list. What made this special was one of his favorite artists BTSM (Black Tiger Sex Machine) was playing their final show for 2021. The same show I had booked tickets in Chicago for in April 2020. The show was canceled due to Covid. He was so disappointed. So when this show was announced, I knew I needed to take him. Here Kristian and I are again. I know he would have loved it.

If you’ve ever been to Red Rocks you know there isn’t much earth. Some dusty areas here and there. We picked a spot between two trees.

Peace of dusty ground at Red Rocks where I spread my husband's ashes

I know this is super dark, but it’s all we got!!

The next spot I felt called to was Sanibel Island, Florida. Eric and I had spent a couple of vacations there in the early 2000’s. They were good memories and I had made some more of my own great memories there since then, so I waited until the new moon and spread him at dusk.

The beach where I spread my husband's ashes

Sand in Sanibel Island, Florida where I spread my husband's ashes

In January this year, Groove Cruise 2022 came. Eric and I had passed up the opportunity to take this cruise twice already. I booked it. Not knowing what to expect or how I was even going to get there. I took him. I decided to spread him on the beach in Freeport, Bahamas. We had never been there but I knew when I set foot on the beach that he would have loved it and he was definitely there in spirit. We all felt him.

This is Sam and I and I feel like there is a picture floating around out there somewhere. This photo is taken close to where we left him. The beach itself was nothing spectacular. The vibe however was something indescribable.

Sam and I on the beach in Freeport, Bahamas before spreading ashes

The next spot was completely unexpected. The Cascade Canyon Wye, his third place in Colorado. It was completely spontaneous yet so beautiful I couldn’t not.

At the Cascade Wye during the spreading of my husband's ashes

Me spreading my husband's ashes at the Cascade Wye in Colorado

After the Spreading:

After this, I always take a little of Eric with me wherever I go. I know he would think what I’m doing is the coolest thing ever. He was such a free spirit. I plan to hit up some of his usual places eventually. Spreading him has made me feel lighter, freer and more peaceful.

So that’s it for now. I’ll update you whenever I decide a place is worthy. I’ve been to quite a few places I feel like I should have and didn’t, but now that’s just an excuse to go back. Thanks for reading and please leave me feedback. I love hearing from you!

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Traveling Alone. A Personal Story.

May 10, 2022 The Blue Widow 18 Comments

Why I’m Traveling Alone

Hi there, I think it’s time we address this topic. Yes, I have been traveling alone for the past 2 years. I decided early on that I would never turn down an invitation. That means I am usually en-route to see friends or family. I believe getting there is half the adventure!

Me at Cascade Canyon Wye, Colorado. Traveling alone.

Yes…undoubtedly there are some of you I haven’t gotten to yet. My apologies and promise I will reach out to see you soon!!

I believe what few understand is the trauma surrounding grief. There is a lasting physical and mental trauma that no matter how much medication and therapy it never goes away.

I won’t mince words here. In June 2020 I was stricken with unbelievable panic disorder, PTSD, and complicated grief. The best one can hope for is to bury it, disguise it, learn to function throughout the day to appear normal on the surface. Subsequently I’m still working on all of that. I can’t say I’ve found the answers to anything. What I did know is I had to keep moving for my own sanity. Make no mistake, I mean moving not moving forward. Moving forward after loss is still a concept I haven’t made sense of nor pretend to understand.

Sanibel Island beach, florida. Traveling alone

Sunset in Venice, Florida. Traveling alone

The Beginning of My Journey

My first trip booked was to Sanibel, FL by way of Venice, FL. To quote my therapist “the only person stopping you is you.” The most profound words I have ever heard. I booked the trip and off I went. It was scary, it was liberating, it was self serving, it was eye opening.

Salt Flats outside Sale Lake City, Utah. Traveling alone in my truck.

Salt flats outside Salt Lake City, Utah. Traveling alone in my truck.

The next trip was out west. I thought well…”if I can do Florida, I can do the west coast.” And again, off I went. I journeyed to Redding, CA, then to San Bernardino, CA (which may turn into another post hopefully) and as a result, has led me to even greater adventures.

On the road in Colorado. Traveling alone.

How It’s Going- Traveling Alone

Now, for those of you wondering where and what I’ve been doing, here’s a little run down. From California in late summer 2021, I ventured up to Portland and Bend, Oregon. I made a mini road trip to Seattle, Washington. I’ve been to Buena Vista, Colorado Springs, and Denver, Colorado. I fit in a quick trip to Chicago, IL. I even went to visit my people in middle Illinois that summer too. Hey peeps I see you!! I’m absolutely positive I left some places out.

I used to hate driving but now I love it. It’s really all about time. Driving is annoying and counter productive when time is limited and valuable. Whenever time is no longer a factor, driving can surprisingly be the best way to get around. I can take whatever I want and stay as long or as little as I want.

Wintering in Florida

After the summer adventures out west, I traveled again to Florida in the fall. I was fortunate enough to see the keys for the first time in my life. It was in late 2021 and I kept thinking “why have I not been here sooner?” Key West and Key Largo were absolutely amazing and beautiful beyond words. I am grateful to be able and to have experienced these life changing spaces and moments. I wish this for everyone, I truly do. Go live your life, on your terms.

Me laying on the beach in Sanibel, Fl. Traveling Alone.

Traveling Alone in 2022

In January of this year I attended Groove Cruise out of Orlando, Florida. I drove down and met friends then traveled over to the coast. We cruised from Port Canaveral to Freeport, Bahamas and back. And that trip my friends is a WHOLE nother story!

In February and March I made another road trip back out west. California and Oregon again. All of this wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Kansas City, Missouri. It’s my jumping point to Colorado and the west. Additionally, I’ve fallen in love with the city and continue to go there.

The squad out for the night on Mariner of the Seas. Groove Cruise 2022

The squad in an elevator on Mariner of the Seas. Groove Cruise 2022

Shows and Festivals

I’ve done two full on, multi day festivals, Hard Summer 2021 (2 days) and Groove Cruise 2022 (4 days). Groove Cruise was on Royal Caribbean’s Mariner of the Seas. Hard Summer was in San Bernardino, California. I’ve seen a couple of small shows in Chico, California.

What’s Happening Next

In the near future, I’m visiting Forecastle Fest in Louisville, KY for one day only. There’s a trip planned to Las Vegas in the summer and then who knows, perhaps California again. Besides Forecastle, I’m looking at Hard Summer again in July although there is nothing definitive yet.

Later this year I also have Escape Psycho Circus in SoCal already on the books for Halloween. The first one since Eric left. It was his favorite festival above all others. After that, who knows. My schedule is filling up quickly.

Lastly, there has been talk of snowboarding in the fall and winter to prepare for an Alaskan heli/cat skiing trip in February 2023.

If there is anything you want to specifically see or to see me do, write me. Share me with your friends. Please give me feedback, I want to hear from you. Love you all! Xxoo C

Destinations, Uncategorized

A Castle in Colorado, Visiting Bishop Castle

May 8, 2022 The Blue Widow 2 Comments

First Impressions

First off, I want to say when I decided to visit a castle in Colorado, this was not what I was expecting. I knew nothing about this place beforehand. After driving more than hour, what I encountered was easily something out of fairytales and days gone by.

Parking was on the road and I had to walk up a hill before the whole area came into view. Then I was completely amazed. Bishop Castle is free to visit and it is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Enter at your own risk!

A Little History About The Castle in Colorado

From the website Bishop Castle this was the dream of Jim Bishop and he has been working on construction for more than 60 years. There are 3 floors with a grand ball room, lots of staircases, landings, and little secret spots.

Navigating The Castle Interior

No part of the castle is off limits but be warned. The staircases are narrow and lots of landings are high. Although there is railing, one could easily go off or over. The floors are well, sketchy in parts but the views are worth it.

the glass ceiling of the grand hall. castle in colorado. bishop castle.

standing outside the roof of the grand hall. castle in colorado. bishop castle.

ceiling of the grand hall. castle in colorado — This is the ceiling in the grand ball room from inside.

The history page on the website is fascinating and full of information about how the castle came to be. It tells that at the tallest point the castle stands at roughly 160 feet. The Learn and explore page gives more information about the dragon and how it was born.

castle in colorado. bishop castle in rye, colorado.

The website and signs say that from the beginning and subsequently, until the addition of the gift shop, the castle relied solely on donations.

The gift shop can be seen in the distance.

So if you ever find yourself out near Rye, Colorado, the Bishop Castle is a must see. You won’t be disappointed. I’ve heard it’s gorgeous at night also. Remember it NEVER closes! Thanks for reading!

Lucy’s Adventures, Trip Prep, Uncategorized

Lucy Update- Look At Meow

May 5, 2022 The Blue Widow 3 Comments

How She’s Doing

Just wanted to post a couple of pics and give you a Lucy update. She’s been doing much better after switching to a urinary support diet. She seems to be doing well on Pro Plan Urinary Tract wet food. Everything is day by day of course, I have no illusions this is all palliative. As far as food goes, the only other thing I really changed is the dry food I put down at night. I switched her to Royal Canin urinary support, and one can of the urinary Pro Plan food a day. I also added some CBD twice a day. Other than that she gets everything else the same. #ad

We did get a new, but not so new vet. In the midst of the chaos after we arrived back to Kentucky, her vet practice decided they were closing. This has been her doctor’s office since she was born BUT, one of the older doctor’s spun off a mobile vet clinic years back, so I hit her up. She gladly accepted Lucy as a new patient.

Lucy the calico staring into the camera with bandana on

Lucy Update- Weight Check

Lucy has lost about 4 lbs. during our trip out west which I’m trying to get back on her. She is currently weighing in at around 8lbs.

Lucy looking in the camera with bandana on

Lucy the calico cat asleep — The dragon sleeps

Thanks for reading and I’ll keep you posted when things change! xxooC

Destinations, Uncategorized

Three Bridges in California

May 4, 2022 The Blue Widow 4 Comments

About Three Bridges

This past February, I was fortunate enough to get back out to Redding, California. I spent a couple of weeks with my good friends Sam and Kristian. One day Kristian wanted to show me a few of her favorite spots in Shasta-Trinity National Forest north of Redding, especially this one particular place where three bridges stood.

Basically, lots of old pieces of bridges remain throughout the state. As the interstate flourished, these relics were blocked off and forgotten about. But at one time, these old bridges were the life and arteries connecting cities and towns. Some remain in use but many are abandoned and subsequently nature is reclaiming them.

What makes this place is so amazing was because we could stand in one place and view three different bridges. Two were still in use and one was not.

an old bridge still in use with I5 bridge above it — The bridge on the bottom is the old I-5 and the one on top is the new I-5.

In the photo above, looking directly to my left was this bridge. It was another road which no longer exists on the map. It’s remnants ran from the parking lot, across this bridge and dead ends under the new I-5.

The site of the three bridges on the map — This is where this spot is located in case you ever get a chance to visit.

The Abandoned Bridge

The photo above is the bridge to no where. Dirt and trees have taken over this road and it is lost just beyond this photo.

Under the bridge, off in the distance on the left side of the stream, is where the old road dead ends. At some point earth was piled up, or maybe some sort of land slide happened which completely covered it long ago.

water running from a tunnel under abandoned bridge

These views were from standing on the old bridge and looking over. I wasn’t brave enough to venture inside nor did we have time that day.

wider angle view of old bridge still in use and newer I5 bridge above it. 2 of the three bridges

An Abandoned Bridge

There was water running under the unused bridge. Nearby on the map was Boulder Creek which runs into the Sacramento River. I’m not quite sure where this water was coming from. This spot was secluded with the distinct sound of running water, with the occasional noisy car or truck sounds from overhead. I found it peaceful. I hope you enjoy my pictures! Thanks for reading.

Me in front of stream and abandoned bridge. part of the three bridges

Destinations, Uncategorized

A Day Riding Wolf Creek Ski Area

April 28, 2022 The Blue Widow Leave a comment

My (in)Experience Riding

Before I get I get into telling you about my day riding, let me talk about my experience so far with snowboarding. It has been smaller places like Perfect North Slopes and Paoli Peaks in the beginning. Afterward, I advanced to Snowshoe Mountain, WV and thought I was doing well. This was in the early 2000’s.

Turns out I have osteoporosis. I found this out after I broke my wrist in 2005, and then my foot in 2013. Yes, both breaks were while snowboarding. I thought my days on the slopes were over, that was until I talked with some friends out in California over the summer. They invited me out to go snowboarding, so I went. Unfortunately the weather had other plans and most of the snow on Mt. Shasta had melted by the time I got there. The warm weather over the next week did not help either.

Then came an invite to Mt. Hood in Oregon. This was bucket list. This I did. Happily. Being on a mountain again was good for my soul. It reenergized me and cleared my head. I rode Timberline Lodge and dare I say only after 4 runs, I felt great! You can find Timberline’s trail map HERE if you are interested in looking. I’ll tell you all about that experience later.

A day riding at Timberline Lodge in Mt. Hood, Oregon — Getting ready for my first run down the trail at Timberline Lodge!

After I arrived back in Kentucky, my dear friend in Kansas City saw my social media pictures and asked to go to Colorado for the end of the snow season. I immediately screamed YES!! Of course I will go!! Getting a taste of the mountains again was something I had longed for.

Map of Wolf Creek Ski Area — Wolf Creek Ski Area Trail Map

Prepping For The Day Out

Not really knowing what to expect I was a bit intimidated. I forged on with the trip. Remember I haven’t REALLY rode for about 9 years. Wolf Creek Ski Area did not disappoint. We started out slow on Friday with about 5 runs to get acclimated to the altitude. Acclimating is something I’ve not had to do before although believe me when I say I felt it. All of it.

Walking onto the ski area at Wolf Creek in Colorado

Parking lot and lodge at Wolf Creek in Colorado

The Second Day Riding

The next day it was ON! We rode a total of 15 runs for the day. The longest run we took that day being a little over 1.6 miles. On The Snow.com will tell you lots more about this area. Wolf Creek is in southwest Colorado between Pagosa Springs and South Fork. Wolf Creek is also called a “small” area although it is large enough to stay occupied all day and never really hit the same slopes more than a couple of times if exploring is your thing. Which for me it is, until I find a run I really want to conquer. With speed. The trails higher up were not sloppy at all. Also being the end of the season weekend, this meant the trails weren’t crowded.

photo from a day riding at wolf creek ski area

another view from the trail at wolf creek ski area

Sorry so grainy but you get the point!! L)

Takeaways From A Day Riding

All things considered, this was a spectacular day. The sun was shining (which also led to a sunburnt face…always wear your sunscreen people!!) the wind was howling through the tree line towards the ridges of the mountains. I was able to get through the day with just a hoodie I picked up in the shop and a medium pair of snow pants. If you want to know more details of what I wore and the trails I rode, just ask! Thanks for reading!

A view from the Treasure Stoke Lift

The Grieving Process

Reconnecting to Possibilities

Reconnecting After Grief

What Reconnecting Looks Like Now

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St. James

The Chins

The Idea About My Leg

An Artist for My Leg

Strange Events

Reflections

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A different direction

New tattoos and fresh perspective

Healing and aftercare plug

Takeaway thoughts on my new tattoos

Update -Arm Finished (Yay!)

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Portland to Pendleton Oregon

About Pendleton Oregon

The Lookout

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Saying Goodbye is Hard

What Now?

The Answer is NOT the Answer

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Labor Day in Colorado

Road Conditions

Four Wheeling Mt. Antero

Four Wheeling Over To Mt. Whitey

I Thought I Saw A Lake

Takaways

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Before the Spreading:

During the Spreading:

After the Spreading:

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Why I’m Traveling Alone

The Beginning of My Journey

How It’s Going- Traveling Alone

Wintering in Florida

Traveling Alone in 2022

Shows and Festivals

What’s Happening Next

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First Impressions

A Little History About The Castle in Colorado

Navigating The Castle Interior

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How She’s Doing

Lucy Update- Weight Check

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About Three Bridges

The Abandoned Bridge

An Abandoned Bridge

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My (in)Experience Riding

Prepping For The Day Out

The Second Day Riding

Takeaways From A Day Riding

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From loss to living. This is my story.