I woke up with an unusual heaviness this morning, not really understanding why. Then I looked at the calendar and remembered — this week was supposed to be our vacation.
We were just about to ask for time off when he left. On his phone, I found searches for “day trips in and around Sedona.” “Things to do in Arizona” was there, too. Quite a few pages were there. I didn’t dare click on any of them. That’s a secret I’m not ready to mourn.
I think about what fun this adventure would have been — packing up the kids, the drive, the playlists, the snack stops. We both loved road trips. The sightseeing and detours, stopping to see something special — that was Greg’s utmost joy. His family used to take detours on their trips when he was young, and that childlike excitement still lived in him when he talked about it. “It breaks up the trip, it’s just a few minutes, and it may be something you never see again.” He was so right. We had a few before and even I got excited about them now.
And then there was always the arrival. My anxiety would kick in as soon as we got there, my fear of the unknown, but Greg was steady. He would unpack, get us settled, and then take me somewhere to unwind. Navigating the unknown was his specialty.
I miss that already — the release, the freedom, the newness. I yearn for that sense of discovery, to be out of the city and exploring somewhere new. To come home with stories and memories we’d made together. We haven’t had a trip since March.
Now I’m mourning something that will not only not happen, but will never happen again. My timeline has changed yet again — abruptly, unexpectedly — and I’m not quite sure how to navigate what comes next.
We had talked about so many trips. Every trip we planned together still lives somewhere — in the space between what could have been and what remains. Maybe that’s where love goes when the body can’t follow.
Mantra for today:
I can still carry the love, even when the map has changed.
He always had this uncanny way of stepping into my photo frame. Not knowing if it was intentional or not. I would just wait until he walked off and take another photo. I always kept the one of him in it 🙂
