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Thoughts and Notes

Grace and Independence: A Valentine’s Day Guide for Widows

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Valentine’s Day can stir a mix of emotions, particularly for widows. This day of love and companionship can bring about memories of a past life with a loved one. This can sometimes be difficult when we are alone or grieving. However, it also serves as an opportunity for self-care and a reflection of personal strength. Embracing this day with grace and independence can be a powerful testament to the journey of acknowledging past love by celebrating personal growth and newfound love as well. Let’s dig deeper on how to do this.

I think thee dear love
I think thee dear love by Library of Congress is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

Cherish Memories

Valentine’s Day can be a time to reflect on memories shared with your late partner. Mine are particularly difficult to navigate because the day before was our anniversary. This makes for two complicated days. Incidentally, next week would have been our 27th anniversary, and now it’s my fifth one without him. I can’t help but count the years now. Somehow it serves as a memoriam and I still do without thinking about it.

As I have some experience with this holiday now, my advice to any widow is to consider setting up a small tribute at home. A spot adorned with a favorite photograph, a candle, or a special memento that brings comfort and warmth. This space can serve as a gentle reminder of the love that was. A peaceful place to honor the memories that continue to bring joy and solace.

Self-Care and Mindfulness

Midst the emotional backdrop of Valentine’s Day, prioritizing self-care is essential. I’ve talked about this a lot. I’m a huge advocate as this is my go-to when I need a time-out to process and get through difficult times. So, second, I recommend you treat yourself to a spa day at home: indulge in a long, relaxing shower or bath, or try out a new face mask. I just discovered shower melts, and I highly recommend them. Or, you can simply light a fragrant candle to turn your bathroom into a spa. Oh, and my favorite face masks are Mara’s Volcanic Clay Sea Mask and Que Bella Exfoliating Strawberry. If you don’t have a favorite, they are relatively inexpensive and you can find them just about everywhere now. Simple yet inexpensive treats.

Pampering can also extend to immersing yourself in activities such as your favorite book or music. It can also be spending the day dedicated to a hobby that revitalizes your spirit. These activities can bring mindfulness and serve to ground you in the present. This focus on self-love is a vital element in embracing the present with grace and independence.

Connect with Loved Ones

In the most difficult of times, I choose to be solitary. This doesn’t work for everyone, however. If company and companionship is what you need, reach out to family and friends. You know you’re people. Gather one or all and draw strength from their love, company and compassion. They can be a great source of comfort.

Whether it’s a casual get-together or a meaningful conversation, connection plays a crucial role in navigating this day gracefully. If circumstances allow, consider hosting a small gathering. Or, alternatively, set up a virtual meeting to share stories and laughter with those who hold significance in your life. Never underestimate the power of laughter. There’s much research on laughter as healing.

Give Back

Another suggestion is engaging in acts of kindness and generosity, which can be incredibly healing. When I first became a widow, my family doctor held my hand and told me to give back. “Only then can the healing begin.” he said, and I’ve never forgotten his words. Volunteering for a cause you are passionate about or participating in community activities not only helps others but also fosters a feeling of accomplishment and fulfillment.

The joy of giving back can create a positive shift in perspective and instill a deeper sense of purpose. If this doesn’t feel comfortable, I suggest spending some time at the local animal shelters. Usually, it just takes a phone call or an email to go in and spend some time with the animals. Petting them can comfort you both. However you choose to give back will help foster a sense of gratefulness.

Explore New Traditions

Finally, Starting new traditions can breathe fresh life into Valentine’s Day. Consider exploring aspects of life that bring joy. Whether that’s traveling to an inspiring location, trying out new cuisine, or simply embarking on a creative project. Over the past five years, I’ve found that new experiences can lead to newfound happiness and fulfillment. Each marking the day with joy and uplifting emotions. As you see, I’m still working on my own grace and independence.

This year, I will be working. Afterward, I plan on spending the evening with my love. We’ve started new traditions ourselves over the past couple of years. Although this year, we haven’t made solid plans yet, I’m definitely looking forward to it—something I haven’t felt in a while about this particular holiday.

Conclusion

As a widow, Valentine’s Day is more than a reminder of love once lived; it’s an opportunity for self-love and the cultivation of new, fulfilling moments. I challenge you to embrace this day with an open heart and a curious mind, thus, transform it into a celebration of your resilience and continue to enrich the life you continue to lead.

Cherish the past, live in the present, and look forward to creating a future filled with grace and independence.

Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you all. Thanks for reading. –xxooC

My Valentines:

my cat freija grace and independence
my dog odin grace and independence
my valentines greg and myself

Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Finding Your Path After Loss: Two Journeys, One Strength

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I’ve been asking myself the same question for some time, “Where do I go from here?” It’s also a question I never really have an answer for. I had a different yet familiar sort of conversation today about finding a path after loss. At work of course, and she was a recent widow. She was out and about with her support person, the friend who had been there with her, through it all.

They were giggling as she talked her friend into buying a costly handbag while she confessed her friend had just caused her to spend an obscene amount on new furniture. The whole situation was very reminiscent of a time not long ago in my past. Although my path led me to a different end, I found myself engulfed in her story and how this widow got to where she was, as she seemed extremely content and at peace. I had to know more.

Two Choices, A Shared Purpose

I was enthralled as this new conversation unfolded. Her trauma was sudden, just like mine although her’s was much newer. She was recently widowed and decided to keep her house. She felt it necessary to continue with the improvements she and her late husband had discussed doing. It was a commitment she was holding, and somehow, I admired that and felt it in my soul because I had contemplated that same dilemma.

When Eric died, I initially thought, “I’ll pay off the house, stay here, and continue this new life we had begun together. I’ll do all the things we wanted to do to the house.” Because ironically, we too had unfinished plans for our house. I was going to order new flooring we had just picked out three days before. That same day, we purchased a new tree for the front yard.

maple tree in front yard finding your path after loss

I did plant the tree we picked out for the front yard.

I learned this new widow had just replaced the flooring on her second floor. The furniture, well, she and her husband wanted to completely re-do the second floor. It all seemed so surreal, I was talking to myself in another universe, in another life—both equal and opposite endings. Ultimately, I chose a different path because, as destiny has it, we are different individuals in entirely different scenarios. Each small difference in each other is influencing and guiding our different paths forward. Both are valid, and both are healing in their own respective nature.

Admiring Strength In A Different Path

I admire this woman. I never asked her her name, and she never asked mine. We didn’t have “that” sort of connection, although we had a mutual admiration for each other and our different decisions. We had both found our paths after a very devastating loss. We understood that although we were faced with some of the very same choices, our paths ultimately led us in different directions in the wake of our loss. She has children and grandchildren, and her large house is still usable. Although I have a child and grandchildren, it is a great distance away and wouldn’t be of any benefit to me.

So I let it go to rebuild a different life. One of less. In a different city. One of more substance with a minimalistic nature. It doesn’t make mine any less, just different. And it suits me fine.

my street corner finding your path after loss

We are both validated in our loss and comforted in the reminders we keep. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; we have to decide what is best for each of us and try to move forward. That’s the thing about grief, sometimes it’s forward, sometimes it’s backward, sometimes it is neither, but we must move with time.

Universality Of Grief

This encounter isn’t the first I’ve had with other widows. I’ve written about them before, but this one was quite different. I learned so much from this conversation. In that moment, we were bonded in the shared experience of finding a path after loss. She was so positive and upbeat for being so fresh into her journey, and I admired that as well. We both face so many challenges, such as fear, loneliness, and uncertainty about our futures; however, we have support. Something not every survivor has, and that is the unfortunate fact.

In the end, we all have to use our intuition and make the decisions that are best for us.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

give love macy's display
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Unfriending on Social Media: The New Self Care

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I’m a huge advocate of self care. If I have learned anything on this crazy journey over the last four years, it’s to do what brings me joy. Every single day I have left. I protect my mental health a lot more than I ever have before in my life. Lately, I’ve been increasingly finding social media bringing me anxiety. Normally I would just disconnect for a while but I noticed something. When I come back, the anxiety returns. That’s when I decided I needed to clean up my feeds.

The connections we maintain online can have a profound effect on our mental health and overall well-being. From old high school acquaintances to colleagues and distant family members, our social media feeds are crowded with people we may barely know, or worse, people who contribute negatively to our self-esteem and peace of mind. But here’s a truth we don’t hear often enough: unfriending on social media is a powerful act of self-care. A form of taking one’s power back.

I’ve unfriended a lot of people lately. Some I knew, some I didn’t. Some I felt a little tinge of regret at the time. Others, not so much. With each confirmation of “are you sure” –YES… click, I felt more in control.
Unfriending isn’t about hostility or creating division; it’s about recognizing the importance of boundaries and the impact of our digital environment on our lives. Sometimes, holding onto connections that no longer serve us only adds to our mental load.

We create a more positive and affirming experience by curating our social media spaces. One that supports rather than drains us. In this article, we’ll explore why unfriending can be a healthy choice, how to know when it’s time, and how to approach it with kindness and self-respect. It’s time to put your well-being first, one unfollow at a time.

Understanding Social Media’s Impact on Mental Health

Social media has revolutionized how we communicate, connect, and interact, giving us a platform to share life’s moments with friends, family, and strangers. In the early 90s, I took a communications class in college. Our focus that semester was on media exposure. I was stunned to learn that the brain is exposed to so much media in one day that our brains filter out much of it, and we barely notice it; however, our subconscious stores it. This was in the 90s when just a few people had the luxury of a cell phone and the internet. Fast forward to today, when we are bombarded with not only physical media but also digital media. It can become overwhelming if not kept in perspective, actively assessed, and regulated.

Social media is a beast within itself. But as much as it brings people together, it also has a darker side—one that’s affecting our mental health in ways we’re just beginning to understand. From carefully curated feeds that trigger comparisons to an overwhelming flood of opinions and information, social media can be both mentally and emotionally draining. To truly understand why unfriending can be an act of self-care, it’s essential to look at how social media impacts our minds and emotions.

The Pressure of Constant Comparison
It’s easy to get caught up in feeling like our own lives aren’t good enough, rich enough, or exciting enough while scrolling through social media. This is because we compare ourselves to what others do and achieve. Research has shown that excessive social media use can lead to lower self-esteem, increased anxiety, and even depressive symptoms as users subconsciously measure themselves against these idealized versions of others’ lives.

Emotional Overload and Decision Fatigue
The sheer volume of connections on social media can be overwhelming. Many of us follow hundreds, if not thousands, of people, from close friends to distant acquaintances. Every scroll and every post adds to our mental load. We’re exposed to different opinions, varying moods, and updates from people we barely know, yet we feel obligated to keep up with it all. This constant exposure leads to “decision fatigue” and emotional overload, leaving us drained. When we surround ourselves with more connections than we can manage, social media stops feeling like a source of connection and instead becomes a source of exhaustion.

The Role of Social Media in Stress and Anxiety
For many, social media is also a source of stress, especially when connections frequently post content that evokes strong emotions, whether political opinions, confrontational comments, or triggering personal updates. It’s common to feel anxiety about what you’ll encounter each time you log in, not knowing if you’ll see a positive post from a friend or a divisive comment from a distant relative. Over time, this exposure to high-stakes emotional content can chip away at your mental resilience.

FOMO and the Fear of Disconnecting
The Fear of Missing Out, or FOMO, is a powerful force that can drive our social media habits. This psychological phenomenon causes people to feel anxious about missing out on experiences, events, or even conversations that others are having. I must admit that I am guilty of this myself. Sometimes, I log on just to see if anything major is happening. As a result, we cling to connections that may no longer serve us, worried that unfriending someone on social media might lead us to miss something important. This fear can also trap us in a cycle of passive scrolling and consuming updates from people we may not even interact with in real life. This can contribute to a sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection.

Unfriending as a Solution
Recognizing the impact of social media on our mental health is the first step toward creating a healthier online experience. Unfriending is not about isolating yourself; it’s about protecting your mental space. Limiting your online connections to people who truly add value to your life can reduce emotional overload, avoid toxic comparisons, and shift your social media experience toward something positive and uplifting.

Unfriending or unfollowing people on social media can feel like a big step, especially if you’re worried about how it might be perceived or the fear of “missing out.” But sometimes, it’s exactly what’s needed to protect your mental health. Here are some clear signs that it might be time to consider unfriending or unfollowing certain accounts or people. Paying attention to these indicators can help you make intentional decisions to foster a healthier, more positive social media environment.

Signs It’s Time to Unfriend or Unfollow

1. Negative Emotional Triggers

One of the most obvious signs it’s time to unfriend or unfollow someone is if their posts consistently trigger negative emotions. When I started unfriending, it was because I felt negative feelings about a specific person’s posts more than once. After a few times, I decided I would really rather not see anything from them. So, I deleted them. While it’s natural to feel a range of emotions on social media, however if someone’s updates repeatedly make you feel anxious or any negative emotions consistently, it may be best to disconnect.

2. Lack of Genuine Connection

Social media often encourages us to maintain loose connections with people we barely know, from old classmates to colleagues we haven’t spoken to in years. If you find yourself scrolling past updates from people you have no real connection with, it might be time to reassess why they’re in your feed. A meaningful social media experience is built on relationships that bring genuine connection, support, or inspiration. If someone’s presence doesn’t add value or make you feel more connected, then holding onto that digital connection may not be worth the mental energy.

3. Conflicting Values or Uncomfortable Content

As we grow, our values and beliefs can change, and so can those of the people in our social circles. If you find that someone’s posts frequently clash with your values, opinions, or comfort levels, it may be worth considering whether the connection still serves you. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with people with different perspectives, but if someone’s content repeatedly makes you feel uncomfortable or unsupported, unfriending or unfollowing across all platforms of social media you may be on, might be a way to protect your values and mental space.

4. Digital Clutter and Overstimulation

Social media can quickly become cluttered with too many connections and too much content, leading to a phenomenon called “overstimulation.” It can feel like mental noise if your feed is crowded with updates that don’t interest you or contribute positively to your day. Having a cluttered digital space is the same as having a cluttered home. It can add stress and make it hard to focus on the posts and updates that truly matter to you. Think of your social media feed as your digital home; sometimes, a little decluttering can go a long way in making it a peaceful, enjoyable place.

5. Comparison and Self-Esteem Issues

If you find yourself constantly comparing your life to someone else’s “highlight reel,” this may be a red flag. Social media makes it easy to focus on the best parts of others’ lives while ignoring our own reality. If a specific friend’s feed makes you feel inadequate or self-critical, it might be time to take a break from their content. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them or their posts—it simply means that you’re choosing to prioritize your mental health over the pressure of comparison for the sake of your self-esteem.

6. Relationship Drift or One-Sided Interaction

Over time, relationships naturally change, and it’s not unusual to drift apart from people. If you’re no longer interacting with someone in real life or even engaging in a meaningful way online, it might be worth questioning why you’re holding onto the connection. Social media can sometimes pressure us to keep connections that have faded. Clinging to one-sided or stagnant relationships can drain our energy. If someone doesn’t actively contribute to your life or has yet to engage with you in a long time, consider letting go of the digital tie. This will make space for people who truly value your presence.

Embracing Self-Care through Unfriending

These signs aren’t about finding fault in others but about recognizing what you need to thrive emotionally and mentally. Unfriending or unfollowing doesn’t have to be this big, dramatic gesture. It can be a quiet, personal decision to honor your well-being.

The Benefits of Unfriending as Self-Care

Now, let’s explore why this step can be a profoundly beneficial form of self-care. While unfriending might feel uncomfortable at first, I promise it gets easier the more you do it. It can lead to mental clarity, emotional freedom, and a renewed focus on what matters.

1. Mental Clarity and Reduced Clutter

Each time we scroll, we’re processing snippets of other people’s lives, which can become exhausting. By limiting your digital connections, you create a streamlined space that allows you to focus on the people who genuinely matter to you. With fewer connections, your mind is less bogged down by irrelevant or negative content, giving you a clearer, more enjoyable online experience.

2. Improved Self-Esteem and Confidence

Unfriending or unfollowing accounts that trigger negative self-comparisons can help boost your self-esteem. When constantly exposed to images of other people’s “perfect” lives, it’s easy to feel inadequate or question our own accomplishments. By choosing to let go of connections that feed into these insecurities, you’re making a conscious choice to protect your confidence. A curated social media feed can remind you of your own unique journey, helping you feel more content and assured in who you are.

4. Increased Authenticity in Relationships

Unfriending can be a way of strengthening the relationships that truly matter. When you selectively narrow down your feed, you can stay in touch with the people you want to engage with more frequently. When we hold on to too many distant or one-sided connections, it can dilute our online meaningful interactions. We create a more authentic digital space by focusing on the people who add value and genuinely engage with us.

5. Empowerment through Setting Boundaries

Taking control of your social media environment is an empowering act of boundary-setting. Unfriending isn’t about judgment; it’s about recognizing your right to control the spaces you inhabit, both online and offline. You can certainly unfriend someone on social media and not unfriend them in real life. By curating your digital world to reflect your values, interests, and needs, you’re reinforcing the idea that you are responsible for your mental well-being.

How to Unfriend Mindfully

Unfriending or unfollowing people on social media doesn’t have to be a harsh or impulsive act. Usually, I see something and realize I no longer want to see this type of content. Approaching this process with mindfulness and compassion can make it a positive, empowering experience. Mindful unfriending means you make intentional choices to protect your mental well-being and create a healthier online space without guilt or judgment.

1. Evaluate Your Connections Regularly

To start cleaning your feed mindfully, set aside time every few months to evaluate your social media connections. Go through your friend list or the accounts you follow, and ask yourself whether each connection still aligns with your current values, interests, and goals. This is a tall order if you have hundreds or perhaps thousands of connections. I would then suggest you just take a chunk at a time. Maybe a hundred or so. By regularly reviewing your connections, you can stay intentional and ensure that your social media feed reflects your present life, not just your past.

2. Unfriend with Compassion and Clarity

When you unfollow or unfriend someone, try to do it with compassion. Remind yourself that unfriending isn’t a statement about the other person’s worth—it’s simply an act of self-care. You’re choosing to shape your social media experience in a way that feels good. If you feel guilty, try to reframe your perspective. You’re not rejecting someone; you’re focusing on connections that enhance your well-being.

For close friends or family members, consider whether you’d prefer to have an honest conversation about why you need to take a step back. In some cases, discussing boundaries can strengthen your relationship. If that doesn’t work, by all means…delete.

3. Use the “Unfollow” or “Mute” Options as an Alternative

If you feel uncomfortable with completely unfriending someone, consider using the “unfollow” or “mute” options on most social media platforms. These features allow you to reduce exposure to someone’s posts without severing the connection. Unfollowing or muting can be a helpful middle ground when you want to limit the influence of certain content on your mental health but still value the connection overall. I always try to unfollow first; however, on some social apps, it’s either follow or not.

5. Approach Unfriending as Part of Your Self-Care Routine

Just as you engage in regular physical self-care or mental health practices, try to view mindful unfriending as part of your overall self-care routine. Set an intention for your social media use, whether connecting with loved ones, finding inspiration, or sharing meaningful moments. Revisit this intention each time you feel like your feed is becoming overwhelming or out of alignment with your goals. Treating unfriending as a self-care practice reminds you that this is a healthy, routine way to prioritize your mental health.

6. Practice Self-Compassion and Release Any Guilt

It’s common to feel a twinge of guilt or worry when unfriending someone. Practicing self-compassion can help you navigate these emotions. Remind yourself that it’s your space, and you’re alone. You control what is allowed in and what is not. Release any feelings of guilt by recognizing that unfriending doesn’t mean you’re ending a relationship for good unless you want to. It simply means you’re managing your boundaries in a healthy way.

7. Embrace the Benefits of a Curated Digital Space

As you unfriend or unfollow people who no longer serve you, take time to reflect on the positive changes. Notice how your social media feed feels lighter, more relevant, and enjoyable. Embrace the benefits of having a curated space that inspires and uplifts you. Over time, you’ll find that these choices allow you to use social media to support your life rather than detract from it.

Building a Positive and Sustainable Social Media Experience

Follow Accounts That Inspire and Uplift

Take advantage of your curated social media space. Begin to refill it with content that resonates and inspires you. Discover artists, writers, fitness experts, or community pages focused on the things you love. Start following people or pages that align with your personal growth goals. Whether that’s mental health advocates, wellness experts, or individuals who share helpful resources. A feed reflecting your values and interests will keep you engaged rather than drained.

Handling Reactions and Navigating Social Media Etiquette

Unfriending and curating your social media space is an act of self-care. Although it’s natural to feel a bit uneasy about how others might perceive your choices. Social media can often come with an unspoken pressure to maintain every connection indefinitely, even when doing so isn’t in our best interest. Now, we’ll discuss how to handle potential reactions from others. It’s important to navigate social media etiquette with kindness and confidence so you can feel empowered in your choices without guilt or stress.

1. Let Go of the Fear of Others’ Reactions

When we unfriend or unfollow someone, it’s common to worry about how they might interpret it. Will they feel hurt? Will they take it personally? The reality is that people’s reactions are ultimately out of your control. While it’s natural to care about others’ feelings, remind yourself that curating your social media feed is a form of self-care. It is not a reflection of someone else’s worth or value. You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. Read that again if you have to. Now understand this: if unfriending is what you need to do to prioritize your mental well-being, trust in your decision. People who care about you will understand that everyone has the right to set boundaries online.

2. Consider a Direct Conversation if Needed

In some cases, especially with close friends or family members, unfriending or unfollowing might feel too abrupt. If you’re worried about how someone close to you might react, consider having a direct and honest conversation. If this gives you anxiety, I suggest just going with your gut and pressing the button. You could explain that you’re adjusting your social media use to improve your mental health. Also, that your decision is not a reflection of how you feel about them personally; however, I choose no drama over any drama. If you are doubting the outcome, always protect yourself.

3. Respect Others’ Boundaries and Choices, Too

Just as you have the right to unfollow or unfriend, others do too. If you notice that someone has unfriended you, try to approach it with understanding rather than taking it personally. People’s reasons for unfriending are often about their own boundaries or well-being rather than a statement about you. We can’t help but wonder what the final straw was, but I’ve gotten used to just chuckling about it and moving on. Practicing empathy and respecting others’ social media boundaries can help reduce the stigma or awkwardness around unfriending, making it a normal part of digital life.

Embracing Social Media as a Tool for Self-Care

Curating your social media experience isn’t just about unfollowing or unfriending. It’s about taking charge of the digital spaces you occupy and ensuring they reflect your values, protect your mental health, and add positivity to your life. In a world where social media often blurs boundaries and intensifies comparison, making intentional choices about your online connections can be a powerful form of self-care.

By recognizing the importance of mindful curation, setting boundaries, and regularly reflecting on your digital habits, you’re setting yourself up for a healthier relationship with social media. Focus on content and connections that uplift you, inspire you, and align with your current path. Understand that unfriending or unfollowing isn’t about rejecting others, but about protecting yourself. You can approach this process with compassion and confidence.

As you move forward, remember that social media is a tool—one that you have complete control over. Let go of guilt, embrace the freedom to set boundaries, and trust in your right to shape your feed to serve your well-being. Social media can be a space for meaningful connection, personal growth, and inspiration, but only if we use it with intention.

So, give yourself permission to unfriend, unfollow, or take breaks when needed. Social media should be a space that nurtures your joy, supports your journey, and reflects who you truly are.

Thanks for reading. I love you all. –xxooC

Destinations, Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Better or just Different?–As Time Passes

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While visiting the picturesque island of Sanibel, I wandered into a small toy store. What started as a casual shopping trip became a profound and unforgettable encounter. Behind the register stood a small woman whose warmth and empathy touched me deeply. As we spoke, I shared my story of trauma and loss, tears streaming down my face. Her response was unexpected yet powerful. She didn’t promise that things would get better, just different.

Her words have echoed in my mind since, prompting me to reflect on my healing process. Can things ever truly get better after trauma and loss, or do they simply become different? This question has shaped my understanding of life since June 2020 as I navigate the twists and turns of an undeniably altered reality.

The Encounter in the Toy Store

It was in September 2020 that I decided I needed to get away. I wanted to go someplace I was familiar and comfortable with. Sanibel Island, Florida, kept coming to my mind. It had been at least 15 years since I had set foot on the island. My memories of it were very fond. With the help and encouragement of my family, I planned a semi-solo trip. I booked two weeks in a small condo on the beach. To stay on the beach in Sanibel for more than a quick visit was on my bucket list, so I had no problem saying yes to myself.

One day, I was out riding my bike and decided to stop at a strip on the main road. I remembered a great little boutique, and it was still there. After shopping, I wandered further in and found a small toy store. I needed to get something for the grandbaby. A small woman was sitting behind the cash register in the corner. She greeted me when I walked in and asked where I was from. Still in an ever-so-fragile state, I started crying and telling her my whole story.

To my surprise, she, too, had been through something quite similar. She recounted another lifetime when she was young, married, and had two adolescent children. A boy and a girl. Her story is not mine to share, but I could see the pain in her eyes. The same pain I felt. It was still there within her, and I could tell she had it buried very deep. She touched my shoulder and said the haunting words I will never forget; “You are still in it. You can’t see past this yet. Things will eventually look different.” And then she stood there and cried with me until the shop phone rang. In that instant, the connection was broken, and I said “goodbye” and left.

Reflecting on “Different” not “Better”

What has stayed with me is her use of the word “different” instead of many others she could have chosen. She could have said “better,” but she didn’t. The pain in her eyes told me she meant to say “different” and nothing else. So I left that day hoping that I might feel different but never whole, never fully healed, and never the same as before…just different.

She also added that things got so bad that she sold everything she owned and moved across the state, where she started a completely new life. How ironic that that might have been the seed planted in my head.

The Nature of Change

Since June 2020, I have driven to the West Coast and back twice by myself. I’ve spent months in Florida, Oregon, California, and Colorado, just to name a few of the most beautiful states I’ve ever seen. When I was caught up in life and tied to a job and family, I had always dreamed of a day just to go. Now was that day, and I took full advantage. Did it heal me? No, but it gave a sense of peace to my heart, knowing my life could be anything I choose to make it from today forward. I remind myself of that frequently.

As of today, his death anniversary has come and gone four times now. I’ve celebrated his birthday five times without him. We’ve had four imaginary anniversaries. We celebrated a new grandbaby who will soon be turning four as well. There are so many milestones, and yet sometimes it seems like yesterday. Just the other day my cousin and I talked about our lives five years ago, and we both agreed that it was another lifetime ago. So many changes in just a short time. Not all changes were for the better, and some were definitely hard. But without them, we wouldn’t all be where we are today.

Is change healing? I don’t have an answer to that. What I have discovered though, is that I am in control of most of the change that happens in my life. We all are; we don’t see it sometimes. We get lost in the chaos of daily life.

I used just to let life go by. Not anymore. Everyone used to say, “Get used to the new normal.” There is nothing normal in the aftermath of losing a loved one. Incidentally, here’s a tip; don’t say that to someone who is grieving.

REFLECTIONS

So, in reflection on “Are things better or just different?” I have to say both. If you’ve read anything I’ve written before, you know I don’t fully subscribe to the stages of grief. Personally, I feel like they are just a made-up roadmap to help us all prepare for unexpected emotions surrounding grief, but I won’t get into that here. Grief has so many layers, as does trauma.

But at the end of the day, things are different now than they were. Some good, some bad, but mostly just “different.” My family has gotten older, I’ve moved several times, accomplished some things I’ve always wanted to do, and seen places I always dreamed of. Some as a direct result of loss, but some not, and each day I wake up, I still have the ritual of looking outside and seeing possibility. When I go to bed at night, I meditate on what I am thankful I still have in my life.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

sanibel island, florida better or just different
Grief, Thoughts and Notes

A Realization of Widowhood: Navigating the Reality of Being Single

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Realization of Widowhood…Setting IN

I. Am. Single. Yes, that’s what I said. It’s a hard realization of widowhood. It really doesn’t matter how long you were married before, the law only recognizes “until death do you part.” So now, whether you want to be or not, like it or not, you are single!

It’s hard to take in. It’s hard to process. But I have to, don’t I? Long before I was even ready to normalize anything, I was hit with the word “single.” And there you have it, folks, my life summed up in one single word for the government and any other authoritative entity that matters: “single.” The realization of widowhood.

I bring this up because I’ve confronted it multiple times in the last few weeks. For those of you new to my game, I’ve been a widow for a little over four years now, so nothing really surprises me. However, this did—quite a bit, actually.

I’ve spent most of my adult life being a wife. Not all at once, I do admit, but this last time was the one that counted, and I am counting a little over 23 years that I’ve been called Mrs…..

Being forced to be counted as single is a shock at first. Then it tries to settle in, only to be replaced by horror that I can no longer be called anything BUT “single” in the eyes of the law and government. I think there needs to be a change in this somewhere, but I can’t comprehend that right now.

The Weight of the Word “Single”

When you first hear it, it feels like a blow. “Single” seems to erase all the shared memories, the love, and the life built together. It feels reductive, minimizing years of companionship to a mere label. Adjusting to this new reality is daunting. The transition from being part of a “we” to just “me” is not only emotionally taxing but also socially and legally challenging.

Society’s Lens on Widowhood

Society often views widowhood through a sympathetic lens, but rarely does it understand the internal battle that comes with it. The term “single” doesn’t capture the complexity of the loss, the journey through grief, and the slow rebuilding of one’s life. Instead, it throws us into a category that feels foreign and uncomfortable.

The Journey of Acceptance

Coming to terms with this new status takes time. It’s a journey of acceptance, filled with moments of denial, anger, and eventually, understanding. Recognizing oneself as single after a significant loss is an essential step in healing. It doesn’t mean forgetting the past or diminishing the love that was shared. Instead, it’s about acknowledging the present and finding a path forward.

Navigating the New Normal

I really hate the term “the new normal.” I heard it a lot in the early days of widowhood, and every reminder of your single status feels like a fresh wound. From legal documents to social events, the constant labeling can be overwhelming. However, over time, these reminders can transform into affirmations of resilience and strength. They can become markers of progress, signifying the ability to move forward while still cherishing the past.

Finding Strength in Community

For those navigating similar paths, finding a community of support can make a significant difference. Sharing experiences, challenges, and victories with others who understand can provide comfort and encouragement. It’s through these connections that we can find solace and strength, knowing we are not alone in our journey.

Conclusion: Embracing the Future

Widowhood reshapes our identity in profound ways. Accepting the term “single” is part of this transformation. While it may never fully capture the depth of our experiences, it does signify a new chapter. Embracing this chapter means honoring the past while stepping into the future with hope and resilience. This may seem like a lot at first and if it is, be patient, you’ll get there. Remember: you are more than a label. You are a testament to enduring love and unyielding strength.

Thanks for reading. I love you all –xxooC

Destinations, Grief, On The Road

A Grief Journey Continued: Chasing Clarity

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The Anniversary of the Beginning

I must confess, my last post about facing the fourth anniversary of the start of my grief journey was a bit of a joke to me and not the haha kind. Although I wrote and rewrote it several times, no words seemed to convey what I was experiencing. I couldn’t quite wrap my thoughts around it. In an effort to just get something out, I pushed through the pain.

Yes, the time dilation was real. I found myself obsessing over photos again. With vivid detail, I could remember everything about a particular moment in time. However, as I kept getting pulled back into moments that happened five, seven, ten years, and more, living in the present seemed like the dream I would eventually wake up from. Only to be met in the present with the inevitable shock wave of grief and trauma over and over.

Believe it or not, that’s how the mind of a surviving spouse works, or at least mine does. Here’s the disclaimer: everyone grieves differently, and everyone processes trauma differently. Your experiences and grief journey may be completely different, and that is okay. Start your own blog. It’s very therapeutic. Click here for some inspiration. You can thank me later.

For reasons unknown, this year was particularly hard. I had the best support, and I’m becoming comfortable in this new life I’ve created. Yet, there is still this intense feeling of loss to contend with. I suppose it’s because the loss was sudden and unforeseen. It was thrust upon me, and I simply had to just deal with it and all of its messiness. Messiness like having to renew my truck plates and both of our names are still listed.

Embracing Clarity in Grief

Lately, I’ve been reminiscing about a couple of widows I met while traveling in Florida early on. Each told me their story of losing their husband. Both were sudden, like me, and both were quite similar, although they were hundreds of miles apart. Each one talked about how they got to a point where they just couldn’t go on in the environment they were in. So, they packed up what little they wanted to keep and moved. One to another part of the state and one from a completely different state. Far enough away to start a whole, brand new life. And with that, they seemed content, like they had no regrets at all.

I also find it interesting that one is living her life alone, completely content in her chosen isolation, while the other started a new career and remarried. They did what was best for their survival. That is exactly how I’m feeling; I have known it for some time. I must go. I must go to a place he and I weren’t and start a new life. I’ve done pretty well at reinventing myself; now I have to take it a little further and go and not look back.

The Vulnerability of Moving On

This year’s anniversary came with so many revelations. In grief, clarity will come. I have to caution you, though, and this is another article I plan to write, be very wary in the first few years. Pay particular attention to who you trust, and constantly doubt everyone’s motives. Intense grief makes one vulnerable. I had people take advantage of me in so many different ways in the first few years of my grief journey. They included friends, family, and trusted individuals. Those with a dishonest heart will see an opportunity, and you won’t know what’s coming because of the cloud of grief.

Solace by The Lake

So there it is. Another year has passed. I can’t say I have much to show for it except for the clarity and maybe a better grip on my life. I know more of what I want, don’t want, and will tolerate. Oh, the book—yeah, then there is that. Incidentally, I’m learning the business of promotion and advertising. I haven’t made a million dollars yet.

As for my anniversary, I spent my day on the beach, one of the best places on earth. Some of the following day was spent there too. Then, on Sunday, I watched one of the most amazing sunrises. It always brings me peace, and this year was no different.

Enjoy the photos 🙂

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

me at the dunes in indiana a grief journey
sunrise at the dunes a grief journey
sunrise at the dunes
a dune on the beach
the dunes beach facing chicago
the beach at the dunes a grief journey
Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Twenty-one Days: Cherishing Moments and Memories

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21 DAY REWIND

June 14th, 2020 was a Sunday. I will be stuck in this moment for the rest of my life whether I want to or not. Strange how trauma does that to the mind. As this anniversary is rapidly approaching, so goes my train of thought into a rewind. My brain seems to be repeating roughly the last twenty-one days every year now, as I will explain in greater detail. I started writing about this subject over a week ago. I had this great article ready to go, and then I reread it and realized how sanitized it was. It barely glossed over what I am feeling. Somehow, for some reason, as reality starts to set in more and more, the gut punches are coming more frequently. This. is. reality.

As I said, every year at this time has proven to be a rewind. Ever since the first anniversary in 2021, I have found myself instinctively counting down roughly the last twenty-one days. Week by week, day by day, moment by moment. All are crystal clear. I obsessively look at the calendar, too. I really don’t need to anymore; somehow, I just know, but I still look.

TWENTY-ONE DAYS OF LIFE

The impact of these memories extends beyond my own experience, affecting our daughter, her husband, and our grandsons. They, too, carry the weight of the bittersweet remembrances, feeling the absence of a beloved husband, father, and grandfather. The significance of these twenty-one days ripples through our family, intertwining our lives with a shared sense of joy, love, and loss. Our daughter was married exactly eight days before. Her last memories are of him walking her down to her future husband and all of us at their house celebrating. We drove home on Sunday.

We decided to rip up the carpet in the living room, and finally, after visiting what I think was every home store in the BloNo area, we picked out a hardwood. I was supposed to order it on Monday. Thursday, we did go to the nursery, which had been on the to-do list for a while. He picked out a beautiful fire maple tree for the front yard. It was to replace the existing maple, which was infested with spider mites. He didn’t live to see it planted the following Wednesday morning. These days will hold significance in my heart as they are so vivid, monumental, and emotionally charged. They mark the very last moments, the very last days, and the very last memories I have of my husband on this earth.

new fire maple in front yard
old maple in front yard

THE IMPORTANCE OF THESE DAYS

We were a few months into quarantine. Living in a cul-de-sac, the neighborhood had started meeting up in the street for drinks, music, and social interaction. The importance of the last twenty-one days lies in their inexplicable significance. Things were decisively different then. This was a different time. I remember these days so clearly as they were the last moments spent with my husband. While the reason behind the specific number of days when this rewind starts remains a mystery to me, this time and memories have imprinted themselves on my mind, and the intensity of these memories serves as a reminder of the deep impact they’ve had on not just my life but every life he touched. Those moments will stay with me forever.

So much happened in those last few weeks. Or again, maybe it’s just because I remember them so clearly. Sunsets were his thing. He loved them so much in our new house. He was always home for the good ones. The best, and his last was on the eighth. The bittersweet nature of these memories encapsulates a mix of joy and sorrow, each intertwined with the other.

sunset in normal, illinois twenty-one days
THE IMPACT OF THESE MEMORIES

I navigate a complex tapestry of emotions as I reflect on these twenty-one days. Cherishing and celebrating the love and memories, while acknowledging the pain of loss, holds a profound importance. As I also navigate the emotions tied to those twenty-one days each year and the years to come, I am reminded of the huge space my husband filled and now the huge hole that is left. It’s a time to honor the love we shared, as well as the lasting imprint my husband left on our hearts. While the weight of loss may linger, I must also find the strength to let it go, and I’m seeing this more clearly now than ever.

While the trauma will always be with me, I’m seeing I have to go on without him. As each year and each milestone keeps passing me by, I keep thinking it will get easier, but it doesn’t. I just learn something new about myself and figure out new ways to cope. But make no mistake, it never gets easier.

I rarely speak for my late husband, although I feel like I know him better than anyone. In these moments, I try to imagine what he would say to me. Above all, he was my cheerleader and always wanted to see me happy, so I let my heart be my guide. Somehow I always know he would approve.

Thanks for reading. I love you all. –xxooC

just me
Thoughts and Notes, Writing Prompts

Self-Publishing Journey: Overcoming Challenges & Celebrating Rewards

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book mock up of the narcissistic tangle self-publishing journey

I didn’t know it then, but this self-publishing journey began several years ago. When I first started journaling my deepest, darkest thoughts in 2020, it wasn’t until about eight months later that a book started to shape in my mind. That one is still yet to be written, but I have taken that energy and embarked on a totally new direction.

Writing has always been many things to me: relaxing, enjoyable, exciting, and, of course, confusing and sad at times. However, the excitement and rush leading up to publication have just been overwhelming at times.

The Writing Process

The inspiration behind my first book is simple. As I was learning the self-publishing process, my mentors kept going back to “stick with what you know” for your first publications. Their thoughts were that it is easier to get through the process while not having to learn about a whole new subject. I studied psychology in college and found it fascinating. Although I ended up majoring in something else, it has always been a subject I wanted to learn more about. I chose the subject matter in my first book because there is more relevant talk around it in today’s society, and self/mental health is something I’m deeply passionate about.

The writing process for a book is completely different than that for a blog article. Not only is a lot of research involved, but it takes a heck of a lot longer to complete. Organizing one’s thoughts is also a major challenge. However, in the end, being on this side of the process is also more rewarding. 

Bringing a written word creation to life from a tiny spark of imagination is beyond thrilling, to say the least; however, I’ll warn you that the journey is an emotional rollercoaster. There were many times I doubted if I wanted to continue, and many more times I doubted myself. What got me through those moments was my belief in myself (I can do anything!) and making myself sit down and get shit done. Some days, I was pleased with my results, others not, but the good days trumped the bad by far.

Navigating the Self-Publishing Process

My book is self-published, which means I am doing everything myself. I have no large firm or corporation helping me do anything. This is why I chose the platform I did. It’s very straightforward for small, independent writers like myself. Getting my book in front of readers is a matter of strategy and hard work, which I am also prepared to do.

Getting ready to publish is definitely a process outside of launch prep. There is proofreading, copyright, book description, author setup (I went with a pen name because honestly…who can really pronounce Jaremczuk???), cover design, formatting, and much more I can’t think of.

Of course, as with any new endeavor, there were unexpected challenges and pleasant surprises along the way. Although I could do everything myself, I chose to farm out some of the work I knew would take me longer than I wanted to spend. I was smart enough to realize that someone more experienced could do it better than me, like my cover design. However, I was shocked to find out deadlines are merely a suggestion to some, but hey, that’s how this business roles, or so I am learning. On the contrary, I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly some aspects come together. I could create additional writing avenues once this book concept was firmly built, and now I have a companion workbook on its way, along with ideas for more books! 

Launch and Reception

My launch strategy is simple; with all the training and info I’ve received, I didn’t have one at all. To be honest, I’ve had a rough couple of months, both mentally and emotionally, and getting this book finished was beyond difficult. Could I have done more? Of course I could. Right now, I feel like I’ve completely dropped the ball, but it’s never too late to get started.

Friends and colleagues have provided very positive initial feedback as of this writing. I’m hoping the general public will also be impressed.

I truly can’t describe the feeling I had seeing my book available for download and purchase. I decided to put all three formats up at once because I’m two months overdue from my original deadline. After looking at the calendar, I wanted to promote it over the upcoming holiday, so offering all three now just makes sense.

Lessons Learned

I got a lot of stuff wrong on my first try, which was frustrating. I also got a little bit right, which was exhilarating. For example, I spent three days just researching how to write a great book description in 300 words. I found that I could do it, but I will pay someone to do it next time. I don’t enjoy it all. Lesson learned. Outlines are the same. They are difficult for me. I like to leave that to AI actually. Say what you want about AI, but the proofreading and writing tools save much time if used properly. AI can write better meta descriptions than I can all day, any day!

My advice to any aspiring authors out there or to anyone considering self-publishing is to get a mentor. There is nothing like picking someone’s brain who has done this many times before you. That’s it for advice. Oh, and don’t beat yourself up; just keep going. Move toward the goal line; even if it’s just one step, that’s still a step taken.

Conclusion

In conclusion, my experience with my first book has been an enlightening and challenging journey. I couldn’t have done it alone, and I’ve learned a tremendous amount of knowledge about the actual steps and creation process. Getting here has been so rewarding.

My blog resulted in the idea of a book, and for that, I have to thank you, my readers. Without you, none of this would have been possible or taken shape. So, thank you to everyone reading this. I truly appreciate every single one of you.

If you want to check out my book, you can find it here: https://amzn.to/3K2NSL7. It’s free to Kindle Unlimited Readers for a couple of months, and then it’s $4.99. If you are serious about reading it and would like an exclusive copy, send me an email at bluewidowpublishing@gmail.com, and I have a treat for you.

If you have self-published or published anything or are thinking about writing or publishing, I want to hear about your experiences. You can reach me at my email or comment below. I look forward to hearing your story. 

Thanks for reading. I love you all –xxooC

Grief, Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

The Last Goodbye: A Journey Towards Healing and Closure

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The Ups and Downs of a Grief Journey

I was in the process of writing a different article, one about how to live a life to be proud of, not one about saying goodbye. But, as with any grief journey, there are good days and bad and I’ll eventually get to that article, just not today. Today wasn’t the worst, but it could have been a better one. I’ve had more than a few not-so-great days this week. Because my blog just turned two, and June will be four years since my husband’s departure, I think it’s all made me a little sad, especially in the mornings when I try to write. 

I thought I had a revelation this morning, but I was mistaken. I’ll get to that in a minute. I presumably thought I had missed out on a milestone for healing. One I thought, if I could put it behind me, it would definitely help me move on mentally and emotionally. So, after googling some ways in which to do this, and in the midst of a severe panic attack, I realized, to my complete surprise, that I had, in fact, already said goodbye. Let me explain.

colorado sky and mountains last goodbye

The Search for Closure

I touched on this whole story once before in another article. This morning’s revelation was that I never actually got to say goodbye. Therefore, doing so now would allow me the closure to move forward. Once I googled the best ways to do this, according to other therapy sites, I came across a forum response. I’m sorry if I don’t credit the person who said this. I can’t even remember what forum it was, but the guy said, “You did say goodbye. Just remember all of the times you said goodbye before. You didn’t know if you would see each other again then.” This hit me like a ton of bricks.

Why Goodbyes Matter

Early in our marriage, we had a mutual friend lose his wife suddenly to a car accident on her way home from work. This incident shook the very foundation of our relationship in that we never wanted to part or leave each other without saying, “I love you.” After she died, we did say our last goodbyes every day and every night for many, many years. Everytime not knowing if it truly would be the last. Then it was.

The last time I saw my husband was the night before. It was just after midnight, and I woke up in my recliner next to his. He was awake and still watching TV. I said I was going to bed, and he replied, “Okay, goodnight.” Before I left the room, I kissed him purposefully, as I did every night before, and we both said, “I love you.” We ended exactly the way we both wanted, with love in our hearts and goodbye on our lips.

So this evening, I have a little more peace and, dare I say, maybe even some closure. Now, I have to figure out what to do with it. My point to this story is: Don’t take for granted that when you say goodbye to someone, it very well could be the last time you get to say it. Be okay with how you leave people who matter. 

Thanks for reading– xxooC

Thoughts and Notes

The Breaking Point: Dealing With So Much

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Preface: This is a warning that I have been trying to write something for a while, but I am all over the place.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had so many thoughts and ideas about what I want to write about. I would start, then stop, and not finish anything. I kept coming to the breaking point. Furthermore, it always seemed like I had so much to say, but nothing coagulated into a coherent article. Hence, I’ve been dealing with so much, so many emotions. I’ve been in therapy for over a month dealing with feelings I’ve buried and, at the same time, feelings I’m experiencing now, but I don’t understand why.

One theme that kept returning to me is that I’m a widow at 50-something. What does that mean? What expectations are there for me? Do I really care about any of this? How can I begin to process and heal? The ultimate question….”Who am I now???” I decided to embark on a journey. A journey to heal. You can read more about that here.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and self-actualization. I really attribute this to therapy and EMDR. Please reach out with any questions, I will be happy to guide you. It has truly saved me.

I’m a complete mixture of myself and this man I spent 23 years with. That’s it. I am him, and he was me. Now he’s gone; I’m just an amalgamation of us both. Therefore, he will always be in the very fiber of my being, but yet I have to leave and learn how to live without him.

While I understand, like every widow who came before and every widow who exists and will come after me, it’s a complex balancing act, sometimes faking, sometimes real, at the moment facing reality as it comes, and sometimes hitting that breaking point that rearranges everything. Finally, to all of you, I give you props and complete support because only you know what you are going through and what you need. Seek out those people. Hit me up if you have no one. I understand you.

Much love and thank you all for reading. I love you all. — xxooC

colorado above the tree lines
Thoughts and Notes, Writing Prompts

Morning Rituals

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Writing prompt: What are your morning rituals? What does the first hour of your day look like?

When asked this question, I had to think about it for a while. My morning rituals have evolved over the years. Mostly because of the house or space I am inhabiting. I spend my first few minutes just observing the day. I look outside and check the weather, then make my way to the bathroom for the necessities. Next comes the kitchen for my morning cup of whatever. Today it is coffee, sometimes it could be tea. Next, I take care of the resident cats and dogs. I used to say it was a good day when I didn’t have to wake up and clean up piss, shit, or vomit, but those days are less frequent now.

Next I’m on to sit somewhere and check email and social media, making sure the world isn’t falling apart somewhere around me. Then I plan my day. I used to be a lot more interesting. In that mix was exercise for quite a few years. That completely fell away when my husband died. Now, my energy level just lets me get through the day.

When I worked full-time, I would turn on the news to check the traffic while getting ready for work. I never turn on the TV at all in the mornings now. When I was a realtor, I would pour over new inventory and make calls, texts, and emails to plan my week out with clients. That is no more as well.

Now I mostly write. My days are spent behind my laptop, either working on my book, writing blog articles, or just journal writing in general. I’ll spend some time going over business videos and learning more about the new publishing industry I dove into last year. I don’t eat. On a rare occasion, I drink alcohol. I’m not a very exciting person, although I’d like to think otherwise. As I get older I’m even less interesting but these days I do often strive for uneventful and on most days, that is exactly what is achieved.

Thanks for reading!– xxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Fear of Writing: From Trauma to Triumph

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Suffering Boundary Issues as a Child

When I was young, elementary school as I recall, someone gifted me a diary for my birthday. My love of paper and books was already brightly blooming, so this was an amazingly wonderful gift. I remember it well. It was brown with gold trim. The front said, “My Diary.” It wasn’t more than 5″x7″, but it had this little closure piece wrapped around the right side with a hole and two little keys. Each page had a tight rule, and I remember thinking, “Can I write that small?”

I admired this little magical book for some time without ever writing a word. I often wondered if I could imagine anything worthy to write about. Then, one day, I did it. I took pen to this little book and wrote my heart out, albeit most of it was what I had to eat that day. Then something extraordinary happened: my heart and soul began to pour out into words. Then, one day after returning from school, it was gone—just gone.

Developing a Fear of Writing

I won’t go into the gritty details of the mess that ensued because someone read my diary, but I will say it was the first real betrayal of privacy I had ever known. That moment marked me. I tried to write, journal, and express myself a few more times in childhood, and I was always met with fear. Fear of someone using my words against me again. So, I carried this with me for much longer than I should have. Then, something else equally jarring happened. My husband died.

The loss of my husband put something inside me into motion. Something familiar yet uncomfortable. Suddenly, I had a lot to say inside, so I let it out the only way I knew how-by writing. At first, it was simply letters to him, but it quickly became much more. I vaguely remember hitting publish on my first blog article almost two years ago. How frightening that felt. I put something so personal out into the world to be judged all over again, the way I was as a child. The only difference between a small girl with a diary and now is… I don’t care anymore. I will speak my truth.

orange slice on top of open book next to a pen
Photo by Alina Vilchenko on Pexels.com

Recognize the Impact of Boundary Issues

This is the story of my fear of writing, which I’ve experienced most of my life now. It isn’t to rehash or lay blame. I tell you this story to provide some hope that anyone can find healing and self-discovery through creativity. My point is, that writing can be a source of healing. It’s something I am passionate about, and I’ve repeated it in my blog articles and my upcoming book. Journaling came naturally to me, even though I left it for many years for fear of writing after my trauma. Now, it’s my comfort zone. It can be yours, too, if you let it. In this article, I’ll talk about ways to get those creative juices flowing and start some therapy and self-care of your own.

But first, let’s discuss the boundary issues crossed when I was little. At the time, no one thought they were doing harm. On the contrary, however, that incident caused irreparable damage. Erikson’s Stages of Development research has shown that children recognize and display autonomy as early as 18 months, and it’s fully developed by age 3. Childhood autonomy and privacy are fundamental in the development of individuality and self-esteem.

Invading someone’s privacy takes away some of their autonomy and control over their world and teaches them to distrust. Not only that, but it can negatively impact relationships, making trust almost immediately vanish and possibly never rebuilding.

The impact when boundaries are not recognized with a young child, well-intentioned or not, can have lasting effects, but as adults, we can recognize and overcome this if we are willing to do the work. For me, something just snapped. For you, it may take some deep understanding and work to get past the creativity barrier.

Reconnect with Your Inner Voice

Second, let’s discuss reconnecting with your inner voice if you also fear writing, journaling, or being creative in general. Think back to a time when you were, or wanted to be creative. Chances are there was an instance that shook your trust and stifled you. Try to separate the instance and the feelings of mistrust and betrayal you felt from the creative process itself. Imagine yourself writing, painting, or drawing and how freeing that can feel.

Even if you’ve never faced obstacles to creativity, you still may not know where to begin. I challenge you to make some time. Just a few minutes will do. Sit with a pencil and blank paper. If you can’t write, then draw. If you can’t draw, then doodle something, anything. The point is to do it and do it freely. Don’t worry that it’s not “correct” or it isn’t “pretty.”

Next, after you’ve created something, sit and look at it. Analyze it and see what you have made. Focus on the now and try to be in the moment. This is your moment to trust yourself, trust your surroundings, and trust your own self-awareness. Now, do it all over again!

sunrise on tybee island fear of writing
Practice Self-Care

Self-care is so crucial when embarking on something new. I know how scary it is to feel unsure and uncomfortable with creativity. I promise the more you practice, the easier it becomes. Now that you’ve tasted creating let’s discuss some tips for staying and feeling safe in your space.

  • Take breaks while writing, drawing, coloring, or whatever you are creating. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed as I rush to get words out, and I have to step away for a minute and focus on something else. That’s perfectly okay. Allow room to heal because that is what is happening. 
  • Set healthy boundaries with yourself and those around you. (Click the link for more tips.) If you are worried about someone else invading your privacy and want to keep everything hidden for a while or forever, that’s okay, too. Just ensure you password-protect files on your computer, tablet, or phone. Take your drawings or hard-copy journals and buy a lock box. I tried this once with my late husband, and he was more than willing to give me my space. I once briefly started journaling again about twenty years ago and after explaining what I was doing, he promised he would never read my writing, and he didn’t. Of course, I kept it locked away because I still had trust issues, but the important thing to point out here is he supported me. I’m sure you have people around to support you as well.
  • Try to be in the moment when creating. Listen to the sounds around you, and focus on your breathing. I know mine gets erratic when I’m writing. I sometimes have to calm myself and come back to the moment. This practice is called mindfulness.
self care isn t selfish signage
Photo by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com
Seek Support

Lastly, if you’re still unsure and need a place to start, start with a trusted friend or group. Find a writing group online or hire a coach or mentor. Go to an art class or watch some YouTube videos on painting and drawing. Sometimes, it just helps to feel like you are doing it with someone and are not alone.

Conclusion

In conclusion, overcoming a fear of writing after experiencing boundary issues is a complex and emotional journey. However, it is possible to reclaim your voice and express yourself creatively with the right support and guidance. By recognizing the impact of boundary issues, reconnecting with your inner voice, practicing self-care, and seeking support and guidance, you can begin the journey of healing and empowerment. So, take the first step today and begin the process of overcoming your fear of writing. With patience, persistence, and support, you can transform your trauma into triumph and use writing/journaling as a tool for healing and self-expression.

Thanks for reading– xxooC

sunflowers on a trellis fear of writing