All posts by The Blue Widow

Hi there, welcome to my site. I’ve been on a journey to find myself and my soul again since summer of 2020. Moving past grief is a strange thing and two steps forward can lead to three steps back. I grew up in Kentucky but now I’m traveling most of the time. I have a 20 year old cat named Lucy that has become very needy in her late years. She is my constant companion. There you have the basics. Oh, and I usually don’t edit my photos unless I have to. Feel free to read, comment, ask questions, and connect.
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On Starting Over Again.

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Journal Entry 10/28/2025

I find it so profound and cruelly ironic that I’ve moved to Illinois not once, not twice, but three times with someone. Each time, it was with the same hope: to start fresh, to build a life of love and purpose, to make a home where we could both belong.

The first time was with Eric — my husband, my partner for twenty-two years, my best friend. We moved for his dream, for his life’s work. We both believed it was the beginning of something new — a chapter of success and fulfillment after years of hard work and faith in each other. And then, without warning, his heart gave out. An undiagnosed condition stole him away, and with him went the life we had built, the rhythm of everything I knew. That loss was so complete it didn’t even feel real. I left Illinois because I couldn’t bear to stay in the place where our future ended overnight.

The second time was with Greg. I was trying to find something of me again, to rebuild what was lost, and to create something meaningful for both of us. We left because I wasn’t adjusting to life the way I thought I could — I was still carrying so much pain, still unsteady — and my father-in-law needed me home. It wasn’t failure, exactly, but it was unfinished, and I carried that ache with me.

The third time was another attempt to start over — to get away, to start fresh, and to finally build a home where Greg and I could truly thrive and put everything behind us. I wanted peace. I wanted us to grow together, to heal together. And then, once again, it all ended. This time in the most unimaginable way.

Now I sit with the weight of all three — love, loss, hope, destruction — and I can hardly comprehend it. The first time, tragedy. The second, transition. The third, trauma. Each move felt like a new chapter, but somehow they all end the same: with me, standing in the ruins of what I built, wondering how to start again.

I feel like I’ve spent years building homes inside other people — places I thought I could rest, where love would be enough to keep us safe. But maybe now, I need to build a home inside myself. One that can’t be taken away. One that stays, even when no one else does.

photos of greg, odin, freija, and eric and myself. Happy.
photo of eric and i
Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Another Chapter Ends

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No sugar coating the reality of my existence. I’m living in the aftermath of another relationship cut off too soon. Back in 2020, my husband of 23 years left suddenly in the wee morning hours without any sound or notice. I discovered him the next morning on the floor of the downstairs bathroom. Our love story was over. One thing I knew for sure was that he did not want to leave. We had everything going right.
A few years later, I had a memorial for him. It took me a really long time to heal and reach a point where I could be around people and help them heal, too. I rekindled a friendship with one of my late husband’s childhood friends, who was also one of his very best friends. He loved this human and was enamored by his selflessness and freedom of soul, to wander the earth and try to do good. After a few months of connecting, we decided it would definitely be weird, but we should give ourselves a chance. We had an attraction and many commonalities, but also a lot of differences. It seemed the right thing to do. We soothed each other’s souls and navigated our grief together, building a powerful connection. And off we went on life’s journey. I really felt he was my twin flame in so many ways. We were so alike, only I had done the hard work and evolved; he had been thrashing about just trying to survive. I recognized this early and proceeded to try to give him every opportunity, everything he needed to heal. I failed.
Last Wednesday, for reasons I will never know, he took his life. We had plans, we were doing so well. In hindsight, I see the red flags I ignored. He had severe mental issues that he wouldn’t deal with. He was a man. He didn’t need pills; he didn’t need counseling. Like someone else I knew, he had severe brain trauma at an early age, and he knew his brain was messed up. He sought help, but got discouraged with the process. He self-medicated, which tore us apart. In the end, he’s no longer in pain, and those of us left are asking all the questions, wondering what more we could have done.
Suicide is so messy, and I never thought I would be here. He was my best friend, my confidant, the person I woke up with, went to bed with, and spent my days with. Now he is gone. I will never be the same.

Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Loving After Loss: Learning to Carry Love Forward

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dog sitting on the beach at sunset loving after loss

Grief is strange. It doesn’t fade on a schedule, and it doesn’t just hurt — sometimes it comforts. My family just celebrated our youngest grandson’s birthday this past weekend. For me, it’s also a time marker—five years of joy with little E and five years without our big E.

When he died, I didn’t only lose him. I also lost the certainty and meaning I felt in my life when he was here. His love gave me an anchor. Without him, I felt like I was floating without direction.

Even now, the sadness comes and goes, as does the joy. Some days I want to move forward and stop feeling this heaviness. Other days, the grief feels like the only way I can still touch him. It reminds me of the love we had, of the version of myself I was with him. And honestly, that can feel like a gift.

When I ask myself what he would want for me, the answer is always the same. He’d want me to carry the love, not the sadness. He always wanted me to follow my heart, to choose joy, to never shrink my life down to pain. Knowing that is easy — living it is harder.

Life has carried me into another relationship now, with someone who was close to him. I love this man deeply, but our relationship is complicated at times. We share laughter and connection. There are moments of challenge and uncertainty. I find myself asking, “What would he want me to do?”

The truth I keep coming back to is this: he wouldn’t want me to suffer or be unhappy. He wouldn’t want me to abandon myself. He’d want me to protect my happiness and carry forward the best of what we shared. In my heart, I already knew this. Life gets complicated. We easily get lost in the moments of the day instead of looking at the big picture. All of this has taught me that today could be the last for one of us.

Grief, I’ve learned, isn’t something you move on from. It’s something you carry differently over time. Some days it’s heavier, some days lighter, but it’s always a part of the love that shaped you. I try to honor that by creating small rituals. These include writing letters to him. I also play a song that reminds me of him, or simply sit with my memories and allow myself to feel them fully.

At the same time, I allow space for the present. I try to notice joy when it comes and let laughter fill the quiet moments. I allow myself to love again without guilt. There’s no need to choose between remembering the past and living the present; I can do both.

I’ve realized that carrying someone’s love forward doesn’t mean keeping them trapped in sadness but letting their memory guide you, inspire you, and remind you of the feeling of being fully known and loved. It means living in a way that honors the love they gave you — by caring for yourself, pursuing your heart’s desires, and opening to the possibility of joy.

Grief doesn’t disappear, but it changes. And in that change, I’ve found a kind of freedom. I can carry him with me, in memory and in spirit, while still building a life that is rich, full, and alive. Perhaps that is the truest way to honor him — not by staying sad, but by living the life he always wanted me to have.

a half finished puzzle

Thoughts and Notes

PTSD: Understanding the Daily Effects on the Nervous System

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Today, I want to talk about PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is a mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. I was diagnosed shortly after finding my husband passed away. Many circumstances and traumatic events can cause PTSD. In this article, I want to focus on understanding its impact on the nervous system. This knowledge can illuminate the physical and emotional challenges faced by those living with the disorder. My symptoms have become worse this spring in anticipation of his fifth death anniversary. After some research, I want to share what I’ve learned. By diving in and learning the everyday effects PTSD has on the nervous system, we can better understand it. We can also support ourselves and others who are impacted by it.

The Basics of PTSD and the Nervous System

In short, PTSD arises after a person experiences or witnesses a traumatic event. Symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, and uncontrollable thoughts about the event. The nervous system plays a vital role in how individuals process trauma, as it regulates emotions and responses.

The Stress Response and Hyperarousal

Recently, I’ve found myself jumping to sudden noises. I felt like I was always anxious, just waiting for something to “happen.” It turns out this is the nervous system’s fight-or-flight response. It’s often activated in PTSD, causing what’s called chronic hyperarousal. Individuals might feel constantly on edge, have difficulty sleeping, or be easily startled. This sustained state of alertness can significantly affect daily life, leading to exhaustion and increased stress.

Intrusive Thoughts and the Brain’s Reactions

PTSD can trigger the brain to relive traumatic experiences through intrusive thoughts and memories. Flashbacks can occur, making distinguishing between past and present threats challenging for the nervous system. Fortunately, I was able to find a therapist to administer EMDR for my flashbacks, but this isn’t always the case, depending on the type of trauma endured. Therefore, this reaction can lead to increased anxiety and difficulty concentrating.

Emotional Regulation Difficulties

With this recent relapse, I found myself crying more and experiencing bouts of sadness out of nowhere. I discovered that emotional regulation becomes a struggle for those with PTSD. The nervous system may find it hard to return to a calm state after a trigger. For me, I can experience severe symptoms for weeks. This can result in heightened emotions, such as anger or sadness, impacting relationships and day-to-day interactions.

Physical Symptoms of PTSD on the Nervous System

PTSD also manifests physically. The main thing I want to emphasis is that everyday triggers can complicate and overload the nervous system. Often, it can cause tension headaches, digestive issues, and muscle pain. These symptoms arise from the nervous system’s prolonged stress response, substantiating the disorder’s expansive effect beyond the mind.

Coping Strategies and Healing the Nervous System

It’s easy to get discouraged and think that living in a perpetual anxious state is going to be the norm, but it doesn’t have to be. Symptoms can be managed successfully. Managing PTSD requires strategies that soothe the nervous system. Techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, and meditation can aid in calming the body. Various therapeutic approaches exist. They aim to rewire neurological responses and promote recovery.


Understanding PTSD’s impact on the nervous system helps with understanding the complexities of the disorder. Offering insights into its daily effects can provide a foundation for empathy and support in ourselves and those around us, whether we are suffering or know someone suffering. While the journey through PTSD is challenging, hope persists through awareness and effective coping strategies, paving the way for healing.

Thank you for reading. I love you all –xxooC

Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Life, Loss and Change

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Hi there…well, yeah, it’s been a minute. Change has pulled me in different directions, leading writing to take a backseat. However, journaling remains a constant. I’m on the verge of completing my companion workbook to “The Narcissistic Tangle.” A major life shift occurred recently for those unaware—I moved back to Chicago in September.

Reflecting on Change

The past six months have been a whirlwind of change. I’m standing on the brink of the five-year anniversary of my late husband’s death this June. This milestone marks an emotional moment of reflection. Five years have elapsed, and I’m confronted with mixed emotions. Some days, the reality of his absence sharply takes my breath away, while other times, I speak of his death as if it’s just another casual conversation.

Five years feels like a hugely significant milestone. Somehow, there’s an expectation to feel differently, yet my emotions remain complex and varied. Looking at who I am now, I often wonder if the person I was would recognize the person I’ve become. The trinkets and possessions I once held dear are now mere echoes of another life. Memories only I hold now.

Embracing the Present

I keep asking myself, “What direction do I want to take now?” I am acutely aware that I’m not getting any younger. While I’m able-bodied now, recent back issues remind me of life’s unpredictability. A fall last year introduced me to physical challenges I had never confronted before. It shifted my perspective on physical capabilities and future possibilities.

Life continues to provide blessings and opportunities. This is true despite some minor physical setbacks. A recent snowboarding trip to Wisconsin is evidence of this. Although it was a much-needed, beautiful, and exciting trip, the recovery was longer than expected. The whole experience was a stark reminder of how our bodies change, sometimes subtly, sometimes dramatically.

Conclusion

This journey through time, change, and self-discovery continues to unfold. It’s teaching me about resilience and the new paths available when one chapter closes. I remain curious about the directions life will take me next. I am constantly confronted with how I will adapt to newfound circumstances while cherishing memories of past experiences and loved ones. Life’s ever-evolving nature is its own adventure, inviting us all to embrace change with courage and curiosity.

Thanks for reading. I love you all –xxooC

Thoughts and Notes

Grace and Independence: A Valentine’s Day Guide for Widows

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Valentine’s Day can stir a mix of emotions, particularly for widows. This day of love and companionship can bring about memories of a past life with a loved one. This can sometimes be difficult when we are alone or grieving. However, it also serves as an opportunity for self-care and a reflection of personal strength. Embracing this day with grace and independence can be a powerful testament to the journey of acknowledging past love by celebrating personal growth and newfound love as well. Let’s dig deeper on how to do this.

I think thee dear love
I think thee dear love by Library of Congress is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

Cherish Memories

Valentine’s Day can be a time to reflect on memories shared with your late partner. Mine are particularly difficult to navigate because the day before was our anniversary. This makes for two complicated days. Incidentally, next week would have been our 27th anniversary, and now it’s my fifth one without him. I can’t help but count the years now. Somehow it serves as a memoriam and I still do without thinking about it.

As I have some experience with this holiday now, my advice to any widow is to consider setting up a small tribute at home. A spot adorned with a favorite photograph, a candle, or a special memento that brings comfort and warmth. This space can serve as a gentle reminder of the love that was. A peaceful place to honor the memories that continue to bring joy and solace.

Self-Care and Mindfulness

Midst the emotional backdrop of Valentine’s Day, prioritizing self-care is essential. I’ve talked about this a lot. I’m a huge advocate as this is my go-to when I need a time-out to process and get through difficult times. So, second, I recommend you treat yourself to a spa day at home: indulge in a long, relaxing shower or bath, or try out a new face mask. I just discovered shower melts, and I highly recommend them. Or, you can simply light a fragrant candle to turn your bathroom into a spa. Oh, and my favorite face masks are Mara’s Volcanic Clay Sea Mask and Que Bella Exfoliating Strawberry. If you don’t have a favorite, they are relatively inexpensive and you can find them just about everywhere now. Simple yet inexpensive treats.

Pampering can also extend to immersing yourself in activities such as your favorite book or music. It can also be spending the day dedicated to a hobby that revitalizes your spirit. These activities can bring mindfulness and serve to ground you in the present. This focus on self-love is a vital element in embracing the present with grace and independence.

Connect with Loved Ones

In the most difficult of times, I choose to be solitary. This doesn’t work for everyone, however. If company and companionship is what you need, reach out to family and friends. You know you’re people. Gather one or all and draw strength from their love, company and compassion. They can be a great source of comfort.

Whether it’s a casual get-together or a meaningful conversation, connection plays a crucial role in navigating this day gracefully. If circumstances allow, consider hosting a small gathering. Or, alternatively, set up a virtual meeting to share stories and laughter with those who hold significance in your life. Never underestimate the power of laughter. There’s much research on laughter as healing.

Give Back

Another suggestion is engaging in acts of kindness and generosity, which can be incredibly healing. When I first became a widow, my family doctor held my hand and told me to give back. “Only then can the healing begin.” he said, and I’ve never forgotten his words. Volunteering for a cause you are passionate about or participating in community activities not only helps others but also fosters a feeling of accomplishment and fulfillment.

The joy of giving back can create a positive shift in perspective and instill a deeper sense of purpose. If this doesn’t feel comfortable, I suggest spending some time at the local animal shelters. Usually, it just takes a phone call or an email to go in and spend some time with the animals. Petting them can comfort you both. However you choose to give back will help foster a sense of gratefulness.

Explore New Traditions

Finally, Starting new traditions can breathe fresh life into Valentine’s Day. Consider exploring aspects of life that bring joy. Whether that’s traveling to an inspiring location, trying out new cuisine, or simply embarking on a creative project. Over the past five years, I’ve found that new experiences can lead to newfound happiness and fulfillment. Each marking the day with joy and uplifting emotions. As you see, I’m still working on my own grace and independence.

This year, I will be working. Afterward, I plan on spending the evening with my love. We’ve started new traditions ourselves over the past couple of years. Although this year, we haven’t made solid plans yet, I’m definitely looking forward to it—something I haven’t felt in a while about this particular holiday.

Conclusion

As a widow, Valentine’s Day is more than a reminder of love once lived; it’s an opportunity for self-love and the cultivation of new, fulfilling moments. I challenge you to embrace this day with an open heart and a curious mind, thus, transform it into a celebration of your resilience and continue to enrich the life you continue to lead.

Cherish the past, live in the present, and look forward to creating a future filled with grace and independence.

Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you all. Thanks for reading. –xxooC

My Valentines:

my cat freija grace and independence
my dog odin grace and independence
my valentines greg and myself

Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Finding Your Path After Loss: Two Journeys, One Strength

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I’ve been asking myself the same question for some time, “Where do I go from here?” It’s also a question I never really have an answer for. I had a different yet familiar sort of conversation today about finding a path after loss. At work of course, and she was a recent widow. She was out and about with her support person, the friend who had been there with her, through it all.

They were giggling as she talked her friend into buying a costly handbag while she confessed her friend had just caused her to spend an obscene amount on new furniture. The whole situation was very reminiscent of a time not long ago in my past. Although my path led me to a different end, I found myself engulfed in her story and how this widow got to where she was, as she seemed extremely content and at peace. I had to know more.

Two Choices, A Shared Purpose

I was enthralled as this new conversation unfolded. Her trauma was sudden, just like mine although her’s was much newer. She was recently widowed and decided to keep her house. She felt it necessary to continue with the improvements she and her late husband had discussed doing. It was a commitment she was holding, and somehow, I admired that and felt it in my soul because I had contemplated that same dilemma.

When Eric died, I initially thought, “I’ll pay off the house, stay here, and continue this new life we had begun together. I’ll do all the things we wanted to do to the house.” Because ironically, we too had unfinished plans for our house. I was going to order new flooring we had just picked out three days before. That same day, we purchased a new tree for the front yard.

maple tree in front yard finding your path after loss

I did plant the tree we picked out for the front yard.

I learned this new widow had just replaced the flooring on her second floor. The furniture, well, she and her husband wanted to completely re-do the second floor. It all seemed so surreal, I was talking to myself in another universe, in another life—both equal and opposite endings. Ultimately, I chose a different path because, as destiny has it, we are different individuals in entirely different scenarios. Each small difference in each other is influencing and guiding our different paths forward. Both are valid, and both are healing in their own respective nature.

Admiring Strength In A Different Path

I admire this woman. I never asked her her name, and she never asked mine. We didn’t have “that” sort of connection, although we had a mutual admiration for each other and our different decisions. We had both found our paths after a very devastating loss. We understood that although we were faced with some of the very same choices, our paths ultimately led us in different directions in the wake of our loss. She has children and grandchildren, and her large house is still usable. Although I have a child and grandchildren, it is a great distance away and wouldn’t be of any benefit to me.

So I let it go to rebuild a different life. One of less. In a different city. One of more substance with a minimalistic nature. It doesn’t make mine any less, just different. And it suits me fine.

my street corner finding your path after loss

We are both validated in our loss and comforted in the reminders we keep. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; we have to decide what is best for each of us and try to move forward. That’s the thing about grief, sometimes it’s forward, sometimes it’s backward, sometimes it is neither, but we must move with time.

Universality Of Grief

This encounter isn’t the first I’ve had with other widows. I’ve written about them before, but this one was quite different. I learned so much from this conversation. In that moment, we were bonded in the shared experience of finding a path after loss. She was so positive and upbeat for being so fresh into her journey, and I admired that as well. We both face so many challenges, such as fear, loneliness, and uncertainty about our futures; however, we have support. Something not every survivor has, and that is the unfortunate fact.

In the end, we all have to use our intuition and make the decisions that are best for us.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

give love macy's display
Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

Unfriending on Social Media: The New Self Care

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I’m a huge advocate of self care. If I have learned anything on this crazy journey over the last four years, it’s to do what brings me joy. Every single day I have left. I protect my mental health a lot more than I ever have before in my life. Lately, I’ve been increasingly finding social media bringing me anxiety. Normally I would just disconnect for a while but I noticed something. When I come back, the anxiety returns. That’s when I decided I needed to clean up my feeds.

The connections we maintain online can have a profound effect on our mental health and overall well-being. From old high school acquaintances to colleagues and distant family members, our social media feeds are crowded with people we may barely know, or worse, people who contribute negatively to our self-esteem and peace of mind. But here’s a truth we don’t hear often enough: unfriending on social media is a powerful act of self-care. A form of taking one’s power back.

I’ve unfriended a lot of people lately. Some I knew, some I didn’t. Some I felt a little tinge of regret at the time. Others, not so much. With each confirmation of “are you sure” –YES… click, I felt more in control.
Unfriending isn’t about hostility or creating division; it’s about recognizing the importance of boundaries and the impact of our digital environment on our lives. Sometimes, holding onto connections that no longer serve us only adds to our mental load.

We create a more positive and affirming experience by curating our social media spaces. One that supports rather than drains us. In this article, we’ll explore why unfriending can be a healthy choice, how to know when it’s time, and how to approach it with kindness and self-respect. It’s time to put your well-being first, one unfollow at a time.

Understanding Social Media’s Impact on Mental Health

Social media has revolutionized how we communicate, connect, and interact, giving us a platform to share life’s moments with friends, family, and strangers. In the early 90s, I took a communications class in college. Our focus that semester was on media exposure. I was stunned to learn that the brain is exposed to so much media in one day that our brains filter out much of it, and we barely notice it; however, our subconscious stores it. This was in the 90s when just a few people had the luxury of a cell phone and the internet. Fast forward to today, when we are bombarded with not only physical media but also digital media. It can become overwhelming if not kept in perspective, actively assessed, and regulated.

Social media is a beast within itself. But as much as it brings people together, it also has a darker side—one that’s affecting our mental health in ways we’re just beginning to understand. From carefully curated feeds that trigger comparisons to an overwhelming flood of opinions and information, social media can be both mentally and emotionally draining. To truly understand why unfriending can be an act of self-care, it’s essential to look at how social media impacts our minds and emotions.

The Pressure of Constant Comparison
It’s easy to get caught up in feeling like our own lives aren’t good enough, rich enough, or exciting enough while scrolling through social media. This is because we compare ourselves to what others do and achieve. Research has shown that excessive social media use can lead to lower self-esteem, increased anxiety, and even depressive symptoms as users subconsciously measure themselves against these idealized versions of others’ lives.

Emotional Overload and Decision Fatigue
The sheer volume of connections on social media can be overwhelming. Many of us follow hundreds, if not thousands, of people, from close friends to distant acquaintances. Every scroll and every post adds to our mental load. We’re exposed to different opinions, varying moods, and updates from people we barely know, yet we feel obligated to keep up with it all. This constant exposure leads to “decision fatigue” and emotional overload, leaving us drained. When we surround ourselves with more connections than we can manage, social media stops feeling like a source of connection and instead becomes a source of exhaustion.

The Role of Social Media in Stress and Anxiety
For many, social media is also a source of stress, especially when connections frequently post content that evokes strong emotions, whether political opinions, confrontational comments, or triggering personal updates. It’s common to feel anxiety about what you’ll encounter each time you log in, not knowing if you’ll see a positive post from a friend or a divisive comment from a distant relative. Over time, this exposure to high-stakes emotional content can chip away at your mental resilience.

FOMO and the Fear of Disconnecting
The Fear of Missing Out, or FOMO, is a powerful force that can drive our social media habits. This psychological phenomenon causes people to feel anxious about missing out on experiences, events, or even conversations that others are having. I must admit that I am guilty of this myself. Sometimes, I log on just to see if anything major is happening. As a result, we cling to connections that may no longer serve us, worried that unfriending someone on social media might lead us to miss something important. This fear can also trap us in a cycle of passive scrolling and consuming updates from people we may not even interact with in real life. This can contribute to a sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection.

Unfriending as a Solution
Recognizing the impact of social media on our mental health is the first step toward creating a healthier online experience. Unfriending is not about isolating yourself; it’s about protecting your mental space. Limiting your online connections to people who truly add value to your life can reduce emotional overload, avoid toxic comparisons, and shift your social media experience toward something positive and uplifting.

Unfriending or unfollowing people on social media can feel like a big step, especially if you’re worried about how it might be perceived or the fear of “missing out.” But sometimes, it’s exactly what’s needed to protect your mental health. Here are some clear signs that it might be time to consider unfriending or unfollowing certain accounts or people. Paying attention to these indicators can help you make intentional decisions to foster a healthier, more positive social media environment.

Signs It’s Time to Unfriend or Unfollow

1. Negative Emotional Triggers

One of the most obvious signs it’s time to unfriend or unfollow someone is if their posts consistently trigger negative emotions. When I started unfriending, it was because I felt negative feelings about a specific person’s posts more than once. After a few times, I decided I would really rather not see anything from them. So, I deleted them. While it’s natural to feel a range of emotions on social media, however if someone’s updates repeatedly make you feel anxious or any negative emotions consistently, it may be best to disconnect.

2. Lack of Genuine Connection

Social media often encourages us to maintain loose connections with people we barely know, from old classmates to colleagues we haven’t spoken to in years. If you find yourself scrolling past updates from people you have no real connection with, it might be time to reassess why they’re in your feed. A meaningful social media experience is built on relationships that bring genuine connection, support, or inspiration. If someone’s presence doesn’t add value or make you feel more connected, then holding onto that digital connection may not be worth the mental energy.

3. Conflicting Values or Uncomfortable Content

As we grow, our values and beliefs can change, and so can those of the people in our social circles. If you find that someone’s posts frequently clash with your values, opinions, or comfort levels, it may be worth considering whether the connection still serves you. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with people with different perspectives, but if someone’s content repeatedly makes you feel uncomfortable or unsupported, unfriending or unfollowing across all platforms of social media you may be on, might be a way to protect your values and mental space.

4. Digital Clutter and Overstimulation

Social media can quickly become cluttered with too many connections and too much content, leading to a phenomenon called “overstimulation.” It can feel like mental noise if your feed is crowded with updates that don’t interest you or contribute positively to your day. Having a cluttered digital space is the same as having a cluttered home. It can add stress and make it hard to focus on the posts and updates that truly matter to you. Think of your social media feed as your digital home; sometimes, a little decluttering can go a long way in making it a peaceful, enjoyable place.

5. Comparison and Self-Esteem Issues

If you find yourself constantly comparing your life to someone else’s “highlight reel,” this may be a red flag. Social media makes it easy to focus on the best parts of others’ lives while ignoring our own reality. If a specific friend’s feed makes you feel inadequate or self-critical, it might be time to take a break from their content. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them or their posts—it simply means that you’re choosing to prioritize your mental health over the pressure of comparison for the sake of your self-esteem.

6. Relationship Drift or One-Sided Interaction

Over time, relationships naturally change, and it’s not unusual to drift apart from people. If you’re no longer interacting with someone in real life or even engaging in a meaningful way online, it might be worth questioning why you’re holding onto the connection. Social media can sometimes pressure us to keep connections that have faded. Clinging to one-sided or stagnant relationships can drain our energy. If someone doesn’t actively contribute to your life or has yet to engage with you in a long time, consider letting go of the digital tie. This will make space for people who truly value your presence.

Embracing Self-Care through Unfriending

These signs aren’t about finding fault in others but about recognizing what you need to thrive emotionally and mentally. Unfriending or unfollowing doesn’t have to be this big, dramatic gesture. It can be a quiet, personal decision to honor your well-being.

The Benefits of Unfriending as Self-Care

Now, let’s explore why this step can be a profoundly beneficial form of self-care. While unfriending might feel uncomfortable at first, I promise it gets easier the more you do it. It can lead to mental clarity, emotional freedom, and a renewed focus on what matters.

1. Mental Clarity and Reduced Clutter

Each time we scroll, we’re processing snippets of other people’s lives, which can become exhausting. By limiting your digital connections, you create a streamlined space that allows you to focus on the people who genuinely matter to you. With fewer connections, your mind is less bogged down by irrelevant or negative content, giving you a clearer, more enjoyable online experience.

2. Improved Self-Esteem and Confidence

Unfriending or unfollowing accounts that trigger negative self-comparisons can help boost your self-esteem. When constantly exposed to images of other people’s “perfect” lives, it’s easy to feel inadequate or question our own accomplishments. By choosing to let go of connections that feed into these insecurities, you’re making a conscious choice to protect your confidence. A curated social media feed can remind you of your own unique journey, helping you feel more content and assured in who you are.

4. Increased Authenticity in Relationships

Unfriending can be a way of strengthening the relationships that truly matter. When you selectively narrow down your feed, you can stay in touch with the people you want to engage with more frequently. When we hold on to too many distant or one-sided connections, it can dilute our online meaningful interactions. We create a more authentic digital space by focusing on the people who add value and genuinely engage with us.

5. Empowerment through Setting Boundaries

Taking control of your social media environment is an empowering act of boundary-setting. Unfriending isn’t about judgment; it’s about recognizing your right to control the spaces you inhabit, both online and offline. You can certainly unfriend someone on social media and not unfriend them in real life. By curating your digital world to reflect your values, interests, and needs, you’re reinforcing the idea that you are responsible for your mental well-being.

How to Unfriend Mindfully

Unfriending or unfollowing people on social media doesn’t have to be a harsh or impulsive act. Usually, I see something and realize I no longer want to see this type of content. Approaching this process with mindfulness and compassion can make it a positive, empowering experience. Mindful unfriending means you make intentional choices to protect your mental well-being and create a healthier online space without guilt or judgment.

1. Evaluate Your Connections Regularly

To start cleaning your feed mindfully, set aside time every few months to evaluate your social media connections. Go through your friend list or the accounts you follow, and ask yourself whether each connection still aligns with your current values, interests, and goals. This is a tall order if you have hundreds or perhaps thousands of connections. I would then suggest you just take a chunk at a time. Maybe a hundred or so. By regularly reviewing your connections, you can stay intentional and ensure that your social media feed reflects your present life, not just your past.

2. Unfriend with Compassion and Clarity

When you unfollow or unfriend someone, try to do it with compassion. Remind yourself that unfriending isn’t a statement about the other person’s worth—it’s simply an act of self-care. You’re choosing to shape your social media experience in a way that feels good. If you feel guilty, try to reframe your perspective. You’re not rejecting someone; you’re focusing on connections that enhance your well-being.

For close friends or family members, consider whether you’d prefer to have an honest conversation about why you need to take a step back. In some cases, discussing boundaries can strengthen your relationship. If that doesn’t work, by all means…delete.

3. Use the “Unfollow” or “Mute” Options as an Alternative

If you feel uncomfortable with completely unfriending someone, consider using the “unfollow” or “mute” options on most social media platforms. These features allow you to reduce exposure to someone’s posts without severing the connection. Unfollowing or muting can be a helpful middle ground when you want to limit the influence of certain content on your mental health but still value the connection overall. I always try to unfollow first; however, on some social apps, it’s either follow or not.

5. Approach Unfriending as Part of Your Self-Care Routine

Just as you engage in regular physical self-care or mental health practices, try to view mindful unfriending as part of your overall self-care routine. Set an intention for your social media use, whether connecting with loved ones, finding inspiration, or sharing meaningful moments. Revisit this intention each time you feel like your feed is becoming overwhelming or out of alignment with your goals. Treating unfriending as a self-care practice reminds you that this is a healthy, routine way to prioritize your mental health.

6. Practice Self-Compassion and Release Any Guilt

It’s common to feel a twinge of guilt or worry when unfriending someone. Practicing self-compassion can help you navigate these emotions. Remind yourself that it’s your space, and you’re alone. You control what is allowed in and what is not. Release any feelings of guilt by recognizing that unfriending doesn’t mean you’re ending a relationship for good unless you want to. It simply means you’re managing your boundaries in a healthy way.

7. Embrace the Benefits of a Curated Digital Space

As you unfriend or unfollow people who no longer serve you, take time to reflect on the positive changes. Notice how your social media feed feels lighter, more relevant, and enjoyable. Embrace the benefits of having a curated space that inspires and uplifts you. Over time, you’ll find that these choices allow you to use social media to support your life rather than detract from it.

Building a Positive and Sustainable Social Media Experience

Follow Accounts That Inspire and Uplift

Take advantage of your curated social media space. Begin to refill it with content that resonates and inspires you. Discover artists, writers, fitness experts, or community pages focused on the things you love. Start following people or pages that align with your personal growth goals. Whether that’s mental health advocates, wellness experts, or individuals who share helpful resources. A feed reflecting your values and interests will keep you engaged rather than drained.

Handling Reactions and Navigating Social Media Etiquette

Unfriending and curating your social media space is an act of self-care. Although it’s natural to feel a bit uneasy about how others might perceive your choices. Social media can often come with an unspoken pressure to maintain every connection indefinitely, even when doing so isn’t in our best interest. Now, we’ll discuss how to handle potential reactions from others. It’s important to navigate social media etiquette with kindness and confidence so you can feel empowered in your choices without guilt or stress.

1. Let Go of the Fear of Others’ Reactions

When we unfriend or unfollow someone, it’s common to worry about how they might interpret it. Will they feel hurt? Will they take it personally? The reality is that people’s reactions are ultimately out of your control. While it’s natural to care about others’ feelings, remind yourself that curating your social media feed is a form of self-care. It is not a reflection of someone else’s worth or value. You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. Read that again if you have to. Now understand this: if unfriending is what you need to do to prioritize your mental well-being, trust in your decision. People who care about you will understand that everyone has the right to set boundaries online.

2. Consider a Direct Conversation if Needed

In some cases, especially with close friends or family members, unfriending or unfollowing might feel too abrupt. If you’re worried about how someone close to you might react, consider having a direct and honest conversation. If this gives you anxiety, I suggest just going with your gut and pressing the button. You could explain that you’re adjusting your social media use to improve your mental health. Also, that your decision is not a reflection of how you feel about them personally; however, I choose no drama over any drama. If you are doubting the outcome, always protect yourself.

3. Respect Others’ Boundaries and Choices, Too

Just as you have the right to unfollow or unfriend, others do too. If you notice that someone has unfriended you, try to approach it with understanding rather than taking it personally. People’s reasons for unfriending are often about their own boundaries or well-being rather than a statement about you. We can’t help but wonder what the final straw was, but I’ve gotten used to just chuckling about it and moving on. Practicing empathy and respecting others’ social media boundaries can help reduce the stigma or awkwardness around unfriending, making it a normal part of digital life.

Embracing Social Media as a Tool for Self-Care

Curating your social media experience isn’t just about unfollowing or unfriending. It’s about taking charge of the digital spaces you occupy and ensuring they reflect your values, protect your mental health, and add positivity to your life. In a world where social media often blurs boundaries and intensifies comparison, making intentional choices about your online connections can be a powerful form of self-care.

By recognizing the importance of mindful curation, setting boundaries, and regularly reflecting on your digital habits, you’re setting yourself up for a healthier relationship with social media. Focus on content and connections that uplift you, inspire you, and align with your current path. Understand that unfriending or unfollowing isn’t about rejecting others, but about protecting yourself. You can approach this process with compassion and confidence.

As you move forward, remember that social media is a tool—one that you have complete control over. Let go of guilt, embrace the freedom to set boundaries, and trust in your right to shape your feed to serve your well-being. Social media can be a space for meaningful connection, personal growth, and inspiration, but only if we use it with intention.

So, give yourself permission to unfriend, unfollow, or take breaks when needed. Social media should be a space that nurtures your joy, supports your journey, and reflects who you truly are.

Thanks for reading. I love you all. –xxooC

Destinations, Uncategorized

Finding Home Again: Change, Challenges, and New Beginnings

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A Year in a Day

Hi there, it’s me. Wow, where did the year go? I keep asking myself that question frequently these past few weeks. So much has happened in the past few months alone, and knowing where to begin is tough. This is an update and this is my story of finding home again this past year. First off, my writing has taken a back seat to real life for the moment. I’m still working on my companion workbook. I transferred in my job, moved again, back to Chicago, and finally found an apartment I adore. I downsized my life considerably over the summer in prep for this move. All while working on a relationship and trying desperately to shed the remainder of my former life to give this one a fighting chance. Let me explain.

Returning to Kentucky a year ago took a lot of soul-searching but not much planning. I didn’t know for how long or when I would ever leave Kentucky again, so I’ve been in limbo. In the meantime, I wrote and launched my book and started on the companion workbook. It’s essentially written but has been stuck in the final stages for over three months now due to my inability to just sit down and devote some time to it. Apologies to you and myself for that.

Returning to Chicago

Next, the most important event was that I transferred to Macy’s Oakbrook Center, back to Chicagoland for my job. I officially started last month. For housing, I initially booked an extended stay at a hotel, which wasn’t terrible, but I didn’t realize exactly how far away from the city that it was. It’s been challenging. Not only getting to work but finding an apartment. I opted to rent versus buy for a year to get comfortable with being back and not be pressured into buying something I don’t love in a neighborhood I’m not thrilled with.

So, with that, finding home again meant a perfect two-bedroom apartment on the first floor in a lovely neighborhood called Oak Park. The building is old, the updates are sufficient, it’s small, and although it doesn’t quite feel like home yet, it will. (This is not my apartment, just a cool photo in the Macy’s where I work!)

sofa with photos of iconic chicago on the wall in the background finding home again

Balancing Life and Writing

I’ve written several articles that have just been sitting and waiting for revision and publication all the while since I knew I was coming back. Another procrastination I apologize for. The most recent, which I’ll probably get out soon, is about emerging from the widow’s fog. I’ve done that this year, and it’s been an experience I barely found words to describe. I can only liken it to waking up from a dream in which I had little control over what was happening around me, only to realize most of it was real. It’s truly a surreal experience.

During this “awakening,” I realized I needed to downsize my life again to prepare for this two-state move again. The honest truth was, when I looked around, not much from my former life meant anything to me.

Lots of stuff from my past and present life was donated, lots thrown away, given away, and some was just stored. I’m still working through it, but it still amazes me the drive I’ve had to just start a new life with new things and new places and only have around me the small things that bring me joy. It’s been a freeing experience. I highly recommend it.

surfboard with the words "you can't stop the waves but you can learn to surf"

Love and Fear

Now, we come to the much-guarded relationship status. I’ve met someone, or should I say re-met someone. We’ve known each other for years, even decades. When we started exploring this relationship, it was a questionable situation for both of us; however, we decided to give it a shot and see where things went. It’s been anything but easy, though we’ve persevered, and here we are, in Chicago, together, for a second time.

roses finding home again

No one knows what the future holds for either of us, and the thought of losing someone that close to me frightens me to my very core. The fact of it all comes down to whether I want to be alone the rest of my life, whatever time I have left, or if I wish to share it with someone every day. I think this is part of my journey in finding home again. This feels like home. For now, we are still working on the day-to-day, just as any new relationship works.

In the end, I still have a lot of challenges before me. Picking up and moving somewhere new is precisely what I needed when I needed it most. If you’ve read half of anything I’ve written, or know me at all, you know I thrive on figuring out difficult circumstances and forging my own path ahead. That is exactly what I am doing. Stay tuned. There’s so much more to come.

Thanks for reading. I love you all! –xxooC

me on the beach finding home again in chicago
Destinations, Grief, Thoughts and Notes

Better or just Different?–As Time Passes

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While visiting the picturesque island of Sanibel, I wandered into a small toy store. What started as a casual shopping trip became a profound and unforgettable encounter. Behind the register stood a small woman whose warmth and empathy touched me deeply. As we spoke, I shared my story of trauma and loss, tears streaming down my face. Her response was unexpected yet powerful. She didn’t promise that things would get better, just different.

Her words have echoed in my mind since, prompting me to reflect on my healing process. Can things ever truly get better after trauma and loss, or do they simply become different? This question has shaped my understanding of life since June 2020 as I navigate the twists and turns of an undeniably altered reality.

The Encounter in the Toy Store

It was in September 2020 that I decided I needed to get away. I wanted to go someplace I was familiar and comfortable with. Sanibel Island, Florida, kept coming to my mind. It had been at least 15 years since I had set foot on the island. My memories of it were very fond. With the help and encouragement of my family, I planned a semi-solo trip. I booked two weeks in a small condo on the beach. To stay on the beach in Sanibel for more than a quick visit was on my bucket list, so I had no problem saying yes to myself.

One day, I was out riding my bike and decided to stop at a strip on the main road. I remembered a great little boutique, and it was still there. After shopping, I wandered further in and found a small toy store. I needed to get something for the grandbaby. A small woman was sitting behind the cash register in the corner. She greeted me when I walked in and asked where I was from. Still in an ever-so-fragile state, I started crying and telling her my whole story.

To my surprise, she, too, had been through something quite similar. She recounted another lifetime when she was young, married, and had two adolescent children. A boy and a girl. Her story is not mine to share, but I could see the pain in her eyes. The same pain I felt. It was still there within her, and I could tell she had it buried very deep. She touched my shoulder and said the haunting words I will never forget; “You are still in it. You can’t see past this yet. Things will eventually look different.” And then she stood there and cried with me until the shop phone rang. In that instant, the connection was broken, and I said “goodbye” and left.

Reflecting on “Different” not “Better”

What has stayed with me is her use of the word “different” instead of many others she could have chosen. She could have said “better,” but she didn’t. The pain in her eyes told me she meant to say “different” and nothing else. So I left that day hoping that I might feel different but never whole, never fully healed, and never the same as before…just different.

She also added that things got so bad that she sold everything she owned and moved across the state, where she started a completely new life. How ironic that that might have been the seed planted in my head.

The Nature of Change

Since June 2020, I have driven to the West Coast and back twice by myself. I’ve spent months in Florida, Oregon, California, and Colorado, just to name a few of the most beautiful states I’ve ever seen. When I was caught up in life and tied to a job and family, I had always dreamed of a day just to go. Now was that day, and I took full advantage. Did it heal me? No, but it gave a sense of peace to my heart, knowing my life could be anything I choose to make it from today forward. I remind myself of that frequently.

As of today, his death anniversary has come and gone four times now. I’ve celebrated his birthday five times without him. We’ve had four imaginary anniversaries. We celebrated a new grandbaby who will soon be turning four as well. There are so many milestones, and yet sometimes it seems like yesterday. Just the other day my cousin and I talked about our lives five years ago, and we both agreed that it was another lifetime ago. So many changes in just a short time. Not all changes were for the better, and some were definitely hard. But without them, we wouldn’t all be where we are today.

Is change healing? I don’t have an answer to that. What I have discovered though, is that I am in control of most of the change that happens in my life. We all are; we don’t see it sometimes. We get lost in the chaos of daily life.

I used just to let life go by. Not anymore. Everyone used to say, “Get used to the new normal.” There is nothing normal in the aftermath of losing a loved one. Incidentally, here’s a tip; don’t say that to someone who is grieving.

REFLECTIONS

So, in reflection on “Are things better or just different?” I have to say both. If you’ve read anything I’ve written before, you know I don’t fully subscribe to the stages of grief. Personally, I feel like they are just a made-up roadmap to help us all prepare for unexpected emotions surrounding grief, but I won’t get into that here. Grief has so many layers, as does trauma.

But at the end of the day, things are different now than they were. Some good, some bad, but mostly just “different.” My family has gotten older, I’ve moved several times, accomplished some things I’ve always wanted to do, and seen places I always dreamed of. Some as a direct result of loss, but some not, and each day I wake up, I still have the ritual of looking outside and seeing possibility. When I go to bed at night, I meditate on what I am thankful I still have in my life.

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

sanibel island, florida better or just different
Grief, Thoughts and Notes

A Realization of Widowhood: Navigating the Reality of Being Single

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Realization of Widowhood…Setting IN

I. Am. Single. Yes, that’s what I said. It’s a hard realization of widowhood. It really doesn’t matter how long you were married before, the law only recognizes “until death do you part.” So now, whether you want to be or not, like it or not, you are single!

It’s hard to take in. It’s hard to process. But I have to, don’t I? Long before I was even ready to normalize anything, I was hit with the word “single.” And there you have it, folks, my life summed up in one single word for the government and any other authoritative entity that matters: “single.” The realization of widowhood.

I bring this up because I’ve confronted it multiple times in the last few weeks. For those of you new to my game, I’ve been a widow for a little over four years now, so nothing really surprises me. However, this did—quite a bit, actually.

I’ve spent most of my adult life being a wife. Not all at once, I do admit, but this last time was the one that counted, and I am counting a little over 23 years that I’ve been called Mrs…..

Being forced to be counted as single is a shock at first. Then it tries to settle in, only to be replaced by horror that I can no longer be called anything BUT “single” in the eyes of the law and government. I think there needs to be a change in this somewhere, but I can’t comprehend that right now.

The Weight of the Word “Single”

When you first hear it, it feels like a blow. “Single” seems to erase all the shared memories, the love, and the life built together. It feels reductive, minimizing years of companionship to a mere label. Adjusting to this new reality is daunting. The transition from being part of a “we” to just “me” is not only emotionally taxing but also socially and legally challenging.

Society’s Lens on Widowhood

Society often views widowhood through a sympathetic lens, but rarely does it understand the internal battle that comes with it. The term “single” doesn’t capture the complexity of the loss, the journey through grief, and the slow rebuilding of one’s life. Instead, it throws us into a category that feels foreign and uncomfortable.

The Journey of Acceptance

Coming to terms with this new status takes time. It’s a journey of acceptance, filled with moments of denial, anger, and eventually, understanding. Recognizing oneself as single after a significant loss is an essential step in healing. It doesn’t mean forgetting the past or diminishing the love that was shared. Instead, it’s about acknowledging the present and finding a path forward.

Navigating the New Normal

I really hate the term “the new normal.” I heard it a lot in the early days of widowhood, and every reminder of your single status feels like a fresh wound. From legal documents to social events, the constant labeling can be overwhelming. However, over time, these reminders can transform into affirmations of resilience and strength. They can become markers of progress, signifying the ability to move forward while still cherishing the past.

Finding Strength in Community

For those navigating similar paths, finding a community of support can make a significant difference. Sharing experiences, challenges, and victories with others who understand can provide comfort and encouragement. It’s through these connections that we can find solace and strength, knowing we are not alone in our journey.

Conclusion: Embracing the Future

Widowhood reshapes our identity in profound ways. Accepting the term “single” is part of this transformation. While it may never fully capture the depth of our experiences, it does signify a new chapter. Embracing this chapter means honoring the past while stepping into the future with hope and resilience. This may seem like a lot at first and if it is, be patient, you’ll get there. Remember: you are more than a label. You are a testament to enduring love and unyielding strength.

Thanks for reading. I love you all –xxooC

Destinations, Grief, On The Road

A Grief Journey Continued: Chasing Clarity

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The Anniversary of the Beginning

I must confess, my last post about facing the fourth anniversary of the start of my grief journey was a bit of a joke to me and not the haha kind. Although I wrote and rewrote it several times, no words seemed to convey what I was experiencing. I couldn’t quite wrap my thoughts around it. In an effort to just get something out, I pushed through the pain.

Yes, the time dilation was real. I found myself obsessing over photos again. With vivid detail, I could remember everything about a particular moment in time. However, as I kept getting pulled back into moments that happened five, seven, ten years, and more, living in the present seemed like the dream I would eventually wake up from. Only to be met in the present with the inevitable shock wave of grief and trauma over and over.

Believe it or not, that’s how the mind of a surviving spouse works, or at least mine does. Here’s the disclaimer: everyone grieves differently, and everyone processes trauma differently. Your experiences and grief journey may be completely different, and that is okay. Start your own blog. It’s very therapeutic. Click here for some inspiration. You can thank me later.

For reasons unknown, this year was particularly hard. I had the best support, and I’m becoming comfortable in this new life I’ve created. Yet, there is still this intense feeling of loss to contend with. I suppose it’s because the loss was sudden and unforeseen. It was thrust upon me, and I simply had to just deal with it and all of its messiness. Messiness like having to renew my truck plates and both of our names are still listed.

Embracing Clarity in Grief

Lately, I’ve been reminiscing about a couple of widows I met while traveling in Florida early on. Each told me their story of losing their husband. Both were sudden, like me, and both were quite similar, although they were hundreds of miles apart. Each one talked about how they got to a point where they just couldn’t go on in the environment they were in. So, they packed up what little they wanted to keep and moved. One to another part of the state and one from a completely different state. Far enough away to start a whole, brand new life. And with that, they seemed content, like they had no regrets at all.

I also find it interesting that one is living her life alone, completely content in her chosen isolation, while the other started a new career and remarried. They did what was best for their survival. That is exactly how I’m feeling; I have known it for some time. I must go. I must go to a place he and I weren’t and start a new life. I’ve done pretty well at reinventing myself; now I have to take it a little further and go and not look back.

The Vulnerability of Moving On

This year’s anniversary came with so many revelations. In grief, clarity will come. I have to caution you, though, and this is another article I plan to write, be very wary in the first few years. Pay particular attention to who you trust, and constantly doubt everyone’s motives. Intense grief makes one vulnerable. I had people take advantage of me in so many different ways in the first few years of my grief journey. They included friends, family, and trusted individuals. Those with a dishonest heart will see an opportunity, and you won’t know what’s coming because of the cloud of grief.

Solace by The Lake

So there it is. Another year has passed. I can’t say I have much to show for it except for the clarity and maybe a better grip on my life. I know more of what I want, don’t want, and will tolerate. Oh, the book—yeah, then there is that. Incidentally, I’m learning the business of promotion and advertising. I haven’t made a million dollars yet.

As for my anniversary, I spent my day on the beach, one of the best places on earth. Some of the following day was spent there too. Then, on Sunday, I watched one of the most amazing sunrises. It always brings me peace, and this year was no different.

Enjoy the photos 🙂

Thanks for reading. –xxooC

me at the dunes in indiana a grief journey
sunrise at the dunes a grief journey
sunrise at the dunes
a dune on the beach
the dunes beach facing chicago
the beach at the dunes a grief journey