Blue Widow Chronicles

From loss to living. This is my story.

When You Don’t Get to Say Goodbye After a Sudden Loss

Saying Goodbye is Hard

Let’s face it. Goodbye seems so final. Unless you really don’t like someone but that’s not what this is about. A quick Google search led me to an article in Scientific American about the meaning of the word goodbye and why we say it. “It’s a contraction of “God be with ye,” which conveys a blessing or prayer or hope that the person upon whom it’s bestowed will travel safely.”

I’ve always avoided saying goodbye to anyone because the word just seemed infinitely not what I wanted to say, ever. So instead of saying goodbye, I would say “until next time.” It’s more fun and doesn’t have an ending. It connotates “until I see you again” which may or may not ever happen. It also has a light, airy feeling about it. Way more fun and easy.

Water with rocks and birds. Saying Goodbye

What happens when you can’t say goodbye because you didn’t? And now you can’t. Then suddenly you’re in a situation where you will never see this person again. Well, let me tell you from experience that you start overthinking every last word that was said between you. Then it hits you, no matter how much you wanted it to be there, there was no goodbye.

When You Didn’t Get to Say Goodbye

Again I ask, so what now? Endless days of guilt evolve and play out. Coulda-shoulda-woulda is a constant companion. Until one day enough is enough. Yes, we are talking about me but I know I am not the only one. I am not the first to experience what I have experienced, and I know I will not be the last. I recognize there is nothing at all special about me or my circumstance. All I can do is tell you my story and hope it helps someone.

The Answer is NOT the Answer

I don’t have any answers. I spend every day saying goodbye all over again. I’ll never get that chance back but I have to find a way to live with that and it not eat me from the inside out. In the end, it really doesn’t matter to anyone else now that there was no saying goodbye. But we didn’t.

All we said was “I love you” instead. Because you see, we had friends experience something similar to this but it was early on in our relationship. One of them died, unexpectedly. We talked about it a lot. It almost haunted us for a couple of weeks. We never wanted that to happen to us. So we decided never to go to bed, hang up a call, or part ways without saying “I love you.” So I guess in a sense, we did say goodbye. And on most days, that gives me peace.

Me walking on the beach on Sanibel Island Florida. Saying goodbye to the day.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. I love you all. XxooC

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Tell Me Something Good

About The Blue Widow Chronicles and Me

The Blue Widow Chronicles began after my husband, Eric, died suddenly in 2020. I became a widow overnight, and the writing became the place I went to make sense of a life that no longer made sense.

What began as writing through grief has grown with me.

Over the years, I’ve written my way through widowhood, PTSD and trauma, solo travel, love after loss, losing Greg to suicide, starting over, complicated relationships, and the ongoing work of figuring out who I am when the life I once knew no longer exists.

This isn’t a blog about having grief figured out. I write from wherever I actually am—sometimes healing, sometimes questioning, sometimes rebuilding, and sometimes admitting I have no idea what comes next.

Odin and Freija frequently find their way into these pages too, along with the people, places, memories, and ordinary moments that remind me life continues even when it looks nothing like the one I expected.

What You’ll Find Here

The Chronicles are personal essays about grief, trauma, identity, love, relationships, travel, rebuilding, and life after loss. Some were written from inside the experience. Others look back years later with a perspective I couldn’t have had when everything was happening.

There are more than five years of stories here. You don’t need to read them in order. Start wherever something speaks to you.

Beyond the Pages

Some stories can be told publicly. Others need a smaller room.

Beyond the Pages is the more intimate side of The Blue Widow Chronicles on Patreon—a growing private library of previously unpublished journal entries, deeper reflections on the Chronicles, member-only writing, and guided writing resources.

Membership is $5/month and includes access to the complete growing library.

Come further in —Beyond the Pages

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