Blue Widow Chronicles

From loss to living. This is my story.

Saying Goodbye After Loss: Finding Peace in Our Last Goodbye

rainbow in the sky last goodbyes

The Ups and Downs of a Grief Journey

I was in the process of writing a different article, one about how to live a life to be proud of, not one about saying goodbye. But, as with any grief journey, there are good days and bad and I’ll eventually get to that article, just not today. Today wasn’t the worst, but it could have been a better one. I’ve had more than a few not-so-great days this week. Because my blog just turned two, and June will be four years since my husband’s departure, I think it’s all made me a little sad, especially in the mornings when I try to write. 

I thought I had a revelation this morning, but I was mistaken. I’ll get to that in a minute. I thought I had missed out on a milestone in healing. One I thought would help me move forward mentally and emotionally if I could put it behind me. So, after googling some ways in which to do this, and in the midst of a severe panic attack, I realized, to my complete surprise, that I had, in fact, already said goodbye. Let me explain.

colorado sky and mountains last goodbye

Searching for a Goodbye After Loss

I touched on this whole story once before in another article. This morning’s revelation was that I never actually got to say goodbye. Therefore, doing so now would allow me the closure to move forward. Once I googled the best ways to do this, I came across a forum response from someone who suggested thinking about all the times we had already said goodbye without knowing whether we’d see each other again. This hit me like a ton of bricks.

Why Goodbyes Matter

Early in our marriage, we had a mutual friend lose his wife suddenly to a car accident on her way home from work. This incident shook the very foundation of our relationship in that we never wanted to part or leave each other without saying, “I love you.” After she died, we did say our last goodbyes every day and every night for many, many years. Everytime not knowing if it truly would be the last. Then it was.

Our Last Goodbye

The last time I saw my husband was the night before. It was just after midnight, and I woke up in my recliner next to his. He was awake and still watching TV. I said I was going to bed, and he replied, “Okay, goodnight.” Before I left the room, I kissed him purposefully, as I did every night before, and we both said, “I love you.” We ended exactly the way we both wanted, with love in our hearts and goodbye on our lips.

So this evening, I have a little more peace and, dare I say, maybe even some closure. Now, I have to figure out what to do with it.

Thanks for reading– xxooC

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2 responses to “Saying Goodbye After Loss: Finding Peace in Our Last Goodbye”

  1. marianallen Avatar
    marianallen

    That is so right and so true. Charlie was deep-hearted but not demonstrative. It wasn’t easy for him to form the habit of saying I love you, because he felt that his behavior demonstrated it and that saying it was “phoney”. But he was fatalistic enough to acknowledge that every chance might be the last, so we did form the habit of making every goodbye or goodnight a sweet farewell. He passed into his final unconsciousness during the night, and none of us got to say a goodbye that we KNEW was the final one, but we had all said our farewells with all our hearts while he was in good spirits and we believed he was recovered, so that’s one regret none of us have to live with. Your blog and your journey are so wise. I love you, girl.

    Reply
    1. The Blue Widow Avatar
      The Blue Widow

      Thank you for sharing that story about Uncle Charlie. I love you too and I think of you more often than you know.

      Reply

Tell Me Something Good

About The Blue Widow Chronicles and Me

The Blue Widow Chronicles began after my husband, Eric, died suddenly in 2020. I became a widow overnight, and the writing became the place I went to make sense of a life that no longer made sense.

What began as writing through grief has grown with me.

Over the years, I’ve written my way through widowhood, PTSD and trauma, solo travel, love after loss, losing Greg to suicide, starting over, complicated relationships, and the ongoing work of figuring out who I am when the life I once knew no longer exists.

This isn’t a blog about having grief figured out. I write from wherever I actually am—sometimes healing, sometimes questioning, sometimes rebuilding, and sometimes admitting I have no idea what comes next.

Odin and Freija frequently find their way into these pages too, along with the people, places, memories, and ordinary moments that remind me life continues even when it looks nothing like the one I expected.

What You’ll Find Here

The Chronicles are personal essays about grief, trauma, identity, love, relationships, travel, rebuilding, and life after loss. Some were written from inside the experience. Others look back years later with a perspective I couldn’t have had when everything was happening.

There are more than five years of stories here. You don’t need to read them in order. Start wherever something speaks to you.

Beyond the Pages

Some stories can be told publicly. Others need a smaller room.

Beyond the Pages is the more intimate side of The Blue Widow Chronicles on Patreon—a growing private library of previously unpublished journal entries, deeper reflections on the Chronicles, member-only writing, and guided writing resources.

Membership is $5/month and includes access to the complete growing library.

Come further in —Beyond the Pages

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