Saying Goodbye, When You Really Can't

May 21, 2022

Saying Goodbye, When You Really Can’t

Saying Goodbye is Hard

Let’s face it. Goodbye seems so final. Unless you really don’t like someone but that’s not what this is about. A quick Google search led me to an article in Scientific American about the meaning of the word goodbye and why we say it. “It’s a contraction of “God be with ye,” which conveys a blessing or prayer or hope that the person upon whom it’s bestowed will travel safely.”

I’ve always avoided saying goodbye to anyone because the word just seemed infinitely not what I wanted to say, ever. So instead of saying goodbye, I would say “until next time.” It’s more fun and doesn’t have an ending. It connotates “until I see you again” which may or may not ever happen. It also has a light, airy feeling about it. Way more fun and easy.

Water with rocks and birds. Saying Goodbye

What happens when you can’t say goodbye because you didn’t? And now you can’t. Now, today is a situation in which you will never ever see this person again. Well, let me tell you from experience that you start over thinking every last words that were said between you. Then it hits you, no matter how much you wanted it to be there, there was no goodbye.

What Now?

Again I ask, so what now? Endless days of guilt evolve and play out. Coulda-shoulda-woulda is a constant companion. Until one day enough is enough. Yes, we are talking about me but I know I am not the only one. I am not the first to experience what I have experienced, and I know I will not be the last. I recognize there is nothing at all special about me or my circumstance. All I can do is tell you my story and hope it helps someone.

The Answer is NOT the Answer

I don’t have any answers. I spend every day saying goodbye all over again. I’ll never get that chance back but I have to find a way to live with that and it not eat me from the inside out. In the end, it really doesn’t matter to anyone else now that there was no saying goodbye. But we didn’t.

All we said was “I love you” instead. Because you see, we had friends experience something similar to this but it was early on in our relationship. One of them died, unexpectedly. We talked about it a lot. It almost haunted us for a couple of weeks. We never wanted that to happen to us. So we decided never to go to bed, hang up a call, or part ways without saying “I love you.” So I guess in a sense, we did say goodbye. And on most days, that gives me peace.

Me walking on the beach on Sanibel Island Florida. Saying goodbye to the day.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. I love you all. XxooC

Thoughts and Notes, Uncategorized

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About Me and My Grief Journey

My grief journey began in the Summer of 2020. I became a widow overnight. Without warning, my entire life was turned upside down, broken into pieces I didn’t know how to put back together. Writing became my anchor—my way to breathe, process, and heal, even in small, fractured moments.

After losing Eric, I was diagnosed with PTSD, complicated grief, and an anxiety disorder. For a long time, I was paralyzed by my own emotions. I traveled across the U.S. for over two years, mostly alone, learning how to carry myself through the aftermath of sudden loss.

Along the way, I found love again. Greg became an important part of my life, bringing companionship, laughter, and even new challenges. Losing him to suicide has been another unimaginable heartbreak that shapes much of what I write here. Through it all, my emotional support animals —Odin (dog) and Freija (cat)— keep me grounded and remind me there is still love, life, and care to give.

I moved and now reside in Chicago, Illinois. This city, this home, is my space to rebuild, to grieve, and to explore who I am beyond loss.

What you will find here

This blog started as a place to house my writing. Over time, it’s become much more. Here, I reflect on grief, healing, and the messy, beautiful, often difficult journey of life after sudden loss. I write about my day-to-day experiences, the struggles and triumphs with my diagnoses, and anything else that captures my heart and attention.

My journey on podcasts

Many of my articles are available in podcast form on Spotify and Amazon Music. I welcome your comments—I love feedback. Let’s share this journey together, and maybe find adventure along the way.

Blue Widow Chronicles