Deciding to Spread My Husband’s Ashes
Spreading my husband’s ashes. Wow, this topic is so personal. Widows I’ve met and everyone in my grief groups agree this to be a taboo topic. Everyone has a different idea of what is “ok” to do with human cremains. I knew I wanted to do something to honor him. I didn’t want to just leave him in a jar on top of whatever dresser. But what felt right? We never talked about these sorts of things but I feel after spending 23 years together, I have a pretty good idea of what he thought and felt about everything.
I carried him around for a while, (in the urn and then eventually in a small baggie) before spreading his ashes. When the time came, I started in SoCal. Then it all did just feel right.
Taking Him With Me
San Bernardino, the scene of so many raves and so many great memories we shared. I took him to Hard Summer on his birthday in July 2021. It was just a few minutes before midnight and I was beyond incoherent. I suddenly remembered I had planned on spreading his ashes, at least the part I had brought with me. I had tucked him into my shoe and was pretty much walking around on him the whole night. Did I mention I was beyond wasted?? Anyway….
It was a few minutes before midnight. The last few minutes of what would have been Eric’s 48th birthday. I suddenly remembered I still had him with me, tucked into my shoe under my right toes. We were at a stage when I grabbed Kristian. I told her what time it was and all I said was, “Eric.” She grabbed Sam and the three of us headed toward the lake, the one place there Eric loved so much.
Grass was hard to come by in the middle of summer in Southern California and fake grass had been spread everywhere. We found a spot under a tree and pulled back the edge of the astroturf. There, in the dusty dirt underneath, we spread Eric’s ashes. We all cried a little and smiled. It was one of only two places all of us had visited together that felt like home. It brings a gentle smile when I see someone else post a picture of that spot.
After that, I realized he would not want me to hoard his ashes. Now I carry him everywhere I go. We had never gone to Colorado, although it was on the list of places to visit. After climbing past the tree line on Mt. Antero, I knew this was a place he should be.
Next up was another Colorado visit. This time to Denver and Red Rocks. Red Rocks was on the bucket list. What made this special was one of his favorite artists BTSM (Black Tiger Sex Machine) was playing their final show for 2021. The same show I had booked tickets in Chicago for in April 2020. The show was canceled due to Covid. He was so disappointed. So when this show was announced, I knew I needed to take him. Here Kristian and I are again. I know he would have loved it.
If you’ve ever been to Red Rocks you know there isn’t much earth. Some dusty areas here and there. We picked a spot between two trees.
The next spot I felt called to was Sanibel Island, Florida. Eric and I had spent a couple of vacations there in the early 2000’s. They were good memories and I had made some more of my own great memories there since then, so I waited until the new moon and spread him at dusk.
In January this year, Groove Cruise 2022 came. Eric and I had passed up the opportunity to take this cruise twice already. I booked it. Not knowing what to expect or how I was even going to get there. I took him. I decided to spread him on the beach in Freeport, Bahamas. We had never been there but I knew when I set foot on the beach that he would have loved it and he was definitely there in spirit. We all felt him.
This is Sam and I and I feel like there is a picture floating around out there somewhere. This photo is taken close to where we left him. The beach itself was nothing spectacular. The vibe however was something indescribable.
The next spot was completely unexpected. The Cascade Canyon Wye, his third place in Colorado. It was completely spontaneous yet so beautiful I couldn’t not.
What Spreading His Ashes Gave Me
After this, I always take a little of Eric with me wherever I go. I know he would think what I’m doing is the coolest thing ever. He was such a free spirit. I plan to hit up some of his usual places eventually. Spreading him has made me feel lighter, freer and more peaceful.
So that’s it for now. I’ll update you whenever I decide a place is worthy. I’ve been to quite a few places I feel like I should have and didn’t, but now that’s just an excuse to go back. Thanks for reading and please leave me feedback. I love hearing from you!
This article was originally written in May 2022 and reflects where I was in my grief journey at that time.
Tell Me Something Good