Preface: I wrote “Surviving Loss” six months ago. It truly is a piece on reflections. Where I was then is not where I am now. In six months, I have had two celebrations of life for Eric. I have journeyed to new places I have never been before. Seen things I’ve never seen and experienced things I never thought I would. Grief is still with me but I am in a different place with it.
When I reread this, I found meaning and a message I wished to convey which is why I am posting it even though it’s a little outdated for me. I hope you get something out of it too. Thanks for reading. xxooC
I Am Surviving Loss
It’s been 21 months since my life took a distinct and dramatic turn. Surviving loss means that today I find a completely different me after a year and nine months into this new life I did not choose. I’d like to say I’ve learned a lot since my husband’s passing in June 2020. Everyone calls me strong. I hate that word and I don’t especially like hearing it. I’m not strong, I simply open my eyes everyday. It’s something that must be done because there is no other choice for me.
What Surviving Loss Taught Me
I have struggled almost daily. Grief is a weird thing. I can’t say I understand it any more than the day this journey started. The one and only thing I am absolutely sure of now is, I am still here. I find ways to go on. With surviving any loss comes guilt. That I have also learned. How I deal with the guilt is what matters. At some point if I do not make peace with it, it will destroy the rest of the time I have left here.
Loneliness is another constant struggle of surviving the loss, especially the loss of a companion. I shared meaningful time and space with someone that no longer exists. Now these memories are mine and mine alone. New memories will not erase them or their impact on my life and soul.
Time does not heal all wounds. That saying is a myth and anyone who has lost someone closest to them knows this. Time in fact does heal quite a bit though as I think it has smoothed out my memories. Time allows me to perceive things just a little bit differently. Not so painful as when the event was first experienced. What I mean by this is, I move through time after loss, the event seems further away. As I put new memories and distance between the event and now, my brain somehow begins to interact differently with the world around me becoming more engaged and less stuck. However, the curious thing is that the pain remains. The pain is ever flowing like tidal waves against the beach. Sometimes the waves are small and other days they are big. It would be so nice to have a forecast.
Finding Self
My life has changed so much since that day. As time continues to move forward, the old me becomes less and less familiar. Would he recognize me now? I don’t know, as some days I do not recognize myself. I went through a period of self hate. Grooming habits were thrown aside and became of little interest. My thought pattern was, if I didn’t like myself, I didn’t want anyone else to like me either. But others close to me still, did in fact like me, and had lots of love for me.
My wise daughter once told me I should try to look at myself through my husband’s eyes. She was so right because once I finally could do that, my perspective changed. I loved this body I was given and I didn’t really want to destroy it anymore. After these revelations, I found a bit of joy visiting with my family and I could see they really cared about me, more than I cared about myself. This felt strangely comforting. Maybe that’s more healing.
I’ve read it takes 66 days to form new habits. I’ve also found this to be somewhat true. Trying to get back into the world around me has taken much longer however, practicing one new habit for several weeks has proven to be beneficial to my emergence from paralyzing grief. The smallest of things I considered a huge accomplishment at first. I started with simply texting, no phone calls. Just reaching out to my closest friends that were there for me in the beginning.
Finding Self Love
I also started practicing more self love. This phrase made absolutely no sense to me at first but it means caring for your body. The body still has needs. Food for sustenance, bathing for cleanliness and hygiene, the mind needs stimulation. Small things that felt good and brought a moment of relief from the intense pain. It all was hard at first and I took baby steps but over time, these small gestures of self care grew into love. I think I love myself more than I ever have in my life because I’ve survived this long. After being a couple for more than two decades, I have survived on my own and that is an accomplishment I never thought I would ever see.
Surviving Continued
I don’t have the answers. I’m not a therapist or a coach. I am only sharing my story. This is my story of grief and surviving loss. Just like every individual is different, every grief story is different. No two are alike. We may share some similarities but we are all different. I believe the key is finding what works to help navigate in the world around us.
Ultimately I will never heal, only learn how to be a functioning member of society again. I don’t believe the pain and sadness will ever go away but now my goal is to balance it with good. My husband would want this for me. I want to honor him and I want his memories to live on.
If you have lost someone, talk about them. Talk about the good times, the stories, their lives. If anything, I’ve learned grief will always be a companion but it doesn’t always have to be the derailing detour it tries to be.
Tell Me Something Good