Suffering Boundary Issues as a Child
When I was young, elementary school as I recall, someone gifted me a diary for my birthday. My love of paper and books was already brightly blooming, so this was an amazingly wonderful gift. I remember it well. It was brown with gold trim. The front said, “My Diary.” It wasn’t more than 5″x7″, but it had this little closure piece wrapped around the right side with a hole and two little keys. Each page had a tight rule, and I remember thinking, “Can I write that small?”
I admired this little magical book for some time without ever writing a word. I often wondered if I could imagine anything worthy to write about. Then, one day, I did it. I took pen to this little book and wrote my heart out, albeit most of it was what I had to eat that day. Then something extraordinary happened: my heart and soul began to pour out into words. Then, one day after returning from school, it was gone—just gone.
Developing a Fear of Writing
I won’t go into the gritty details of the mess that ensued because someone read my diary, but I will say it was the first real betrayal of privacy I had ever known. That moment marked me. I tried to write, journal, and express myself a few more times in childhood, and I was always met with fear. Fear of someone using my words against me again. So, I carried this with me for much longer than I should have. Then, something else equally jarring happened. My husband died.
The loss of my husband put something inside me into motion. Something familiar yet uncomfortable. Suddenly, I had a lot to say inside, so I let it out the only way I knew how-by writing. At first, it was simply letters to him, but it quickly became much more. I vaguely remember hitting publish on my first blog article almost two years ago. How frightening that felt. I put something so personal out into the world to be judged all over again, the way I was as a child. The only difference between a small girl with a diary and now is… I don’t care anymore. I will speak my truth.
Recognize the Impact of Boundary Issues
This is the story of my fear of writing, which I’ve experienced most of my life now. It isn’t to rehash or lay blame. I tell you this story to provide some hope that anyone can find healing and self-discovery through creativity. My point is, that writing can be a source of healing. It’s something I am passionate about, and I’ve repeated it in my blog articles and my upcoming book. Journaling came naturally to me, even though I left it for many years for fear of writing after my trauma. Now, it’s my comfort zone. It can be yours, too, if you let it. In this article, I’ll talk about ways to get those creative juices flowing and start some therapy and self-care of your own.
But first, let’s discuss the boundary issues crossed when I was little. At the time, no one thought they were doing harm. On the contrary, however, that incident caused irreparable damage. Erikson’s Stages of Development research has shown that children recognize and display autonomy as early as 18 months, and it’s fully developed by age 3. Childhood autonomy and privacy are fundamental in the development of individuality and self-esteem.
Invading someone’s privacy takes away some of their autonomy and control over their world and teaches them to distrust. Not only that, but it can negatively impact relationships, making trust almost immediately vanish and possibly never rebuilding.
The impact when boundaries are not recognized with a young child, well-intentioned or not, can have lasting effects, but as adults, we can recognize and overcome this if we are willing to do the work. For me, something just snapped. For you, it may take some deep understanding and work to get past the creativity barrier.
Reconnect with Your Inner Voice
Second, let’s discuss reconnecting with your inner voice if you also fear writing, journaling, or being creative in general. Think back to a time when you were, or wanted to be creative. Chances are there was an instance that shook your trust and stifled you. Try to separate the instance and the feelings of mistrust and betrayal you felt from the creative process itself. Imagine yourself writing, painting, or drawing and how freeing that can feel.
Even if you’ve never faced obstacles to creativity, you still may not know where to begin. I challenge you to make some time. Just a few minutes will do. Sit with a pencil and blank paper. If you can’t write, then draw. If you can’t draw, then doodle something, anything. The point is to do it and do it freely. Don’t worry that it’s not “correct” or it isn’t “pretty.”
Next, after you’ve created something, sit and look at it. Analyze it and see what you have made. Focus on the now and try to be in the moment. This is your moment to trust yourself, trust your surroundings, and trust your own self-awareness. Now, do it all over again!
Practice Self-Care
Self-care is so crucial when embarking on something new. I know how scary it is to feel unsure and uncomfortable with creativity. I promise the more you practice, the easier it becomes. Now that you’ve tasted creating let’s discuss some tips for staying and feeling safe in your space.
- Take breaks while writing, drawing, coloring, or whatever you are creating. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed as I rush to get words out, and I have to step away for a minute and focus on something else. That’s perfectly okay. Allow room to heal because that is what is happening.
- Set healthy boundaries with yourself and those around you. (Click the link for more tips.) If you are worried about someone else invading your privacy and want to keep everything hidden for a while or forever, that’s okay, too. Just ensure you password-protect files on your computer, tablet, or phone. Take your drawings or hard-copy journals and buy a lock box. I tried this once with my late husband, and he was more than willing to give me my space. I once briefly started journaling again about twenty years ago and after explaining what I was doing, he promised he would never read my writing, and he didn’t. Of course, I kept it locked away because I still had trust issues, but the important thing to point out here is he supported me. I’m sure you have people around to support you as well.
- Try to be in the moment when creating. Listen to the sounds around you, and focus on your breathing. I know mine gets erratic when I’m writing. I sometimes have to calm myself and come back to the moment. This practice is called mindfulness.
Seek Support
Lastly, if you’re still unsure and need a place to start, start with a trusted friend or group. Find a writing group online or hire a coach or mentor. Go to an art class or watch some YouTube videos on painting and drawing. Sometimes, it just helps to feel like you are doing it with someone and are not alone.
Conclusion
In conclusion, overcoming a fear of writing after experiencing boundary issues is a complex and emotional journey. However, it is possible to reclaim your voice and express yourself creatively with the right support and guidance. By recognizing the impact of boundary issues, reconnecting with your inner voice, practicing self-care, and seeking support and guidance, you can begin the journey of healing and empowerment. So, take the first step today and begin the process of overcoming your fear of writing. With patience, persistence, and support, you can transform your trauma into triumph and use writing/journaling as a tool for healing and self-expression.
Thanks for reading– xxooC
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