There was once a time not long ago when I never thought I would entertain any thought of another person other than my husband. When he left me in June of 2020 amidst a pandemic, in the middle of our new life together, in a new town, in a new state, it consumed me. The thought of moving on was paralyzing. This amazingly huge loss, this monumental life defeat, was all I could think about, night and day. So, after becoming somewhat stable, I embarked on a quest. One to find myself and reclaim anything left of the life I would have here without him in it. I certainly wasn’t looking to move on, although I unknowingly did.
For a while, not forgetting him and making sure no one else did was a large pillar as well. Then I found myself alone and right back where I started this journey, which wasn’t comforting at all. So, I opened myself up to the option of having someone else in my life. Shall we call it dating? Moving on? That’s up to you to decide.
If you’re a new widow or even an older widow (meaning you’ve been widowed for a while), I’m not going to tell you that you have a time frame for moving on, so to speak. What I will say to you from my own observations is that life gets lonely. Having someone there to support you, albeit not in the ways you once imagined for the rest of your life, isn’t too bad.
Of course, you may already know the benefits of being in a couple as you grow older. There’s been much study and research on this topic. One of the least important aspects is that couples are more observant of each other’s day-to-day habits and rituals and notice more when something becomes “off.” With that said, there are other benefits as well. We all benefit from human connection and touch. Just having someone to listen can surely lower blood pressure, ease stress, and help with a myriad of other things. When we eat with people, we are more likely to make better food choices, thus, in turn, keeping us healthy.
You see, it’s not necessarily about romance, just finding a suitable partner. Sure, if you find a new, budding romance, then that is a beautiful thing; however, as we age, compatibility is the motivating factor. Again, I’m reminded of one of my favorite TV shows, Sex and The City. I don’t remember what episode, but it’s in the last season when Carrie and Aleksandr are at her Vogue editor’s party, and Lexi falls out the window. The editor, Enid, explains to Carrie why the date Carrie brings is unacceptable.
The gist is that dating is brutal when we reach a certain age. Sometimes it can be humiliating. Finding someone who checks even half the boxes in a pool the size of a wading pond is exhausting, if not impossible. So, I say this with the all-knowing and empathetic view of being a widow of a certain age. Again, I don’t consider this moving on, just moving in general.
Now we enter the territory of after you may find someone of interest. I still want to honor my deceased husband’s memory. We were together for many years. So, how do I do this and still make my partner feel worthy? Sometimes, I’m always thinking about my husband. That’s a hard one. I haven’t mastered that one yet. It’s a balancing act; I won’t tell you anything differently. I honor my husband; sometimes it gets in the way of other things. I just say deal with it. I’m dealing with a lot more. Again I say, this is a process of moving on.
When you finally find someone you want to spend time with, there are ways to remember your deceased spouse and not offend the person you are with. After all, they knew somewhat what they were getting into when they also started spending time with you. I choose to talk about my husband and when the time and place strike me, I spread his ashes in locations across the US. It’s become my thing I want to do with him and if no one understands then I say…go away, let me be. I’ve spared enough people their feelings so far. Don’t spare mine, and I won’t yours. That’s the deal.
So I’ll leave you with this advice: if you feel you need companionship and the thought of being with someone else is appealing, then do it. There is absolutely no time limit for you to grieve and be alone. Only you can decide what timeline is correct for you, and there are no right or wrongs here. The easiest way is to join a social group or an online dating site. You can screen potential partners in the comfort of wherever you are. What I ask is that you please be safe about it. That means common sense things, like telling someone when you will meet someone new. Always meet in a public setting. Give someone else their number and profile so your safe person knows who you are with. Take all the precautions.
Things are not what they were when you met your spouse, and they are not what they were when you were raising your children. Be extra vigilant about whom you spend time with, and you can never have too many precautions in place should something go wrong.
Above all else, take things at YOUR pace. Don’t let someone else dictate what you should or should not be doing. Remember, you are vulnerable, and you are still healing. Take as much time as you need to feel comfortable in every situation, and know that it is okay to say NO at any point you feel you need to. Protect yourself, guard yourself because no one else will love you like you love you. I think that’s a Miley Cyrus song, but I digress.
Only you can choose the ways to remember your spouse or significant other. Only you know the ways to honor them most. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to start a memory board, book, or online journal—whatever way is best for you to remember them and keep them alive that feels good to you.
Share your memories. I’ll bet there are those out there who have memories of your beloved to share with you. Things you didn’t know or ways they touched someone else that you haven’t heard yet. Seek those people out. Listen and record their memories for you to hold on to. Social media is an excellent way to start. Other ways can be phone records, going through death announcement comments, flowers or donations received in their memory, business cards, and contacts. Unless your person was a really ignorant SOB that did nothing but piss people off, I’m sure you’ll find someone with a good story to tell.
In conclusion, you are the only one in charge of your life now. Fate has played it’s card and this is where you are. No holds barred, you say what goes and what doesn’t from this moment forward in your life. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting or compromising on what you believe to be true. The dating process is no different now. Just learn the precautions and you will be fine.
I once had the saying; “once you lose everything, anything is possible.” Still I believe that to some extent. Although I also believe we shape the new chapters of our lives in a way that will always honor those we’ve lost while forging a new trail to our hopes and dreams.
I encourage you to take some time, journal what you thought this journey would be like versus how you feel now. Take a hard look at what you want for the time you have left without your significant other versus how you would have spent it with them. What accomplishments can you make, how can you live a life of purpose and have a meaningful existence in their absence? These are all questions to ask and there is so much more discovery on your journey. Hit me back with any enlightenment. I love you all.
Thanks for reading –xxooC
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