Leaving More of Myself
I’ve been staring at a blank screen for a couple of hours now. I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time starting this article. My late husband’s ashes rest in many places I’ve visited in the two and half years since he left. I expected the ceremonial process and writing about it would get easier. However, talking about leaving more of his ashes is harder than I expected this time around. Recently, a lot of internal wounds have opened up. My recent experience was extra salt for the already existing proverbial wound. In preparation I think I switched myself “off” during the event. I expected to process all the feels later. Now emotions overwhelm me.
For a new role at work, Eric signed up to take Dale Carnegie classes in Peoria in the fall of 2019. One day we were on the phone and he told me about an assignment he’d been procrastinating on longer than he was comfortable with. He had to give an oral argument but couldn’t think of anything he felt strongly passionate about.
Immediately, I thought about UK basketball. Eric knew years’ worth of stats about the team and its players. He was an avid fan and his whole schedule revolved around the games. He never missed one.
“Yes, you do, and you have a topic!” I told him.
“Really? What?”
“Why the UK basketball team is the best team ever!”
There was a moment of silence followed by a little “hmmft.” And that was it. The next thing I knew, I was hearing about how he rocked the speech and probably turned a few of his classmates into fans.
Why Rupp Arena Was Different
Now, when the opportunity to go to Rupp Arena and put some of him there presented itself, I knew I had to do it. It felt right. Part of him should be in a place he loved so much. But leaving more of him in a place he visited frequently was much different than most of the places before. The last place I left him was on his favorite golf course and the lake behind it. That was super emotional also. Rupp was different though and I couldn’t quite figure it out until now.
A week later, I’ve discovered something new. These two places are moments in time where he existed and was the happiest. His energy lives on in these spaces. In these moments and these spaces, leaving more of him has touched something in the universe that resonates with his very being.
This spreading of ashes wasn’t a memorial of sorts, but an honoring of his existence. An honoring of Eric being happy in these spaces. I’ve had two very different types of spreadings. Ones for me, and ones for him.
This one was for both.
Rest in peace, my love.
Thanks for reading. xxooC
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