Honoring My Late Husband in a Place He Loved

February 26, 2023

Honoring My Late Husband in a Place He Loved

Leaving More of Myself

I’ve been staring at a blank screen for a couple of hours now. I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time starting this article. My late husband’s ashes rest in many places I’ve visited in the two and half years since he left. I expected the ceremonial process and writing about it would get easier. However, talking about leaving more of his ashes is harder than I expected this time around. Recently, a lot of internal wounds have opened up. My recent experience was extra salt for the already existing proverbial wound. In preparation I think I switched myself “off” during the event. I expected to process all the feels later. Now emotions overwhelm me.

For a new role at work, Eric signed up to take Dale Carnegie classes in Peoria in the fall of 2019. One day we were on the phone and he told me about an assignment he’d been procrastinating on longer than he was comfortable with. He had to give an oral argument but couldn’t think of anything he felt strongly passionate about.

Immediately, I thought about UK basketball. Eric knew years’ worth of stats about the team and its players. He was an avid fan and his whole schedule revolved around the games. He never missed one.

“Yes, you do, and you have a topic!” I told him.

“Really? What?”

“Why the UK basketball team is the best team ever!”

There was a moment of silence followed by a little “hmmft.” And that was it. The next thing I knew, I was hearing about how he rocked the speech and probably turned a few of his classmates into fans.

inside rupp arena during basketball game leaving more

Honored to do this with one of Eric’s bestfriends. They visited Rupp together on many occasions.

Why Rupp Arena Was Different

Now, when the opportunity to go to Rupp Arena and put some of him there presented itself, I knew I had to do it. It felt right. Part of him should be in a place he loved so much. But leaving more of him in a place he visited frequently was much different than most of the places before. The last place I left him was on his favorite golf course and the lake behind it. That was super emotional also. Rupp was different though and I couldn’t quite figure it out until now.

A week later, I’ve discovered something new. These two places are moments in time where he existed and was the happiest. His energy lives on in these spaces. In these moments and these spaces, leaving more of him has touched something in the universe that resonates with his very being.

This spreading of ashes wasn’t a memorial of sorts, but an honoring of his existence. An honoring of Eric being happy in these spaces. I’ve had two very different types of spreadings. Ones for me, and ones for him.

This one was for both.

Rest in peace, my love.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

Destinations, On The Road, Thoughts and Notes

#bluewidow, #findingpeace, #grief, #kentucky, #loss, #peace, #travel, #widow, roadtrip

One response to “Honoring My Late Husband in a Place He Loved”

Sharon

February 27, 2023 at 11:08 am

Beautifully said!

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About The Blue Widow Chronicles and Me

The Blue Widow Chronicles began after my husband, Eric, died suddenly in 2020. I became a widow overnight, and the writing became the place I went to make sense of a life that no longer made sense.

What began as writing through grief has grown with me.

Over the years, I’ve written my way through widowhood, PTSD and trauma, solo travel, love after loss, losing Greg to suicide, starting over, complicated relationships, and the ongoing work of figuring out who I am when the life I once knew no longer exists.

This isn’t a blog about having grief figured out. I write from wherever I actually am—sometimes healing, sometimes questioning, sometimes rebuilding, and sometimes admitting I have no idea what comes next.

Odin and Freija frequently find their way into these pages too, along with the people, places, memories, and ordinary moments that remind me life continues even when it looks nothing like the one I expected.

What You’ll Find Here

The Chronicles are personal essays about grief, trauma, identity, love, relationships, travel, rebuilding, and life after loss. Some were written from inside the experience. Others look back years later with a perspective I couldn’t have had when everything was happening.

There are more than five years of stories here. You don’t need to read them in order. Start wherever something speaks to you.

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Membership is $5/month and includes access to the complete growing library.

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