Blue Widow Chronicles

From loss to living. This is my story.

Grief and Life

sunrise in a cemetary life and grief

Can the two exist together?

“Sometimes life gets in the way.” We’ve all heard that saying before. Somehow, grief and life can not coincide together. Well, for a while they can but what I’m finding is I have to be in one or the other. I still find myself grieving yes, but as time continues to flow I am also living. Am I living the life I wanted? Not yet. I’m still working on it. Trying new things out. Deciding what I want in and out of my life. Who I want in and out of my life.

I am starting to question how much grief can actually remain in life. Grief was my badge. I wore it with pride. There was a lot of pain and trauma endured. With complicated grief, it’s all still in there. I feel it everyday. The person I was is gone. She left when he left. Out of desperate self preservation I have rebuilt someone else. So here I find myself getting back out. I could have chosen a different path. Eternal grief. But that isn’t the direction I wanted to go. The wise old words once spoken to me are finally ringing true. I am tired. I am tired of the pain. Continuing to live in the pain was just to great to endure. So I let some of it go.

Choosing Grief or Life

So what does the future for someone as damaged as me look like? That I don’t have an answer to yet. Again, I’m breaking my own rules. I am doing things I am uncomfortable with. I discovered something recently, the grief had become my comfort. In that though, comfort contained lots of pain and confusion. I’m actually kind of surprised how comforting the pain had become. Especially after losing Lucy, my comfort and emotional support cat.

In an effort to survive the day, I haven’t moved on. Although I have just replaced the things I found comfort in before the trauma. I now have a comfort dog. I have meaningful people in my life. Things are just different this time around. Ultimately, I think this will not be the last time I have to start over and create another version of myself. The next time though, I’ve had some practice and I think I can navigate better. There is a life lesson here somewhere. Somewhere in all this comforting pain and grief along with the uncomforting changes and experiences.

Thanks for reading. xxooC

emotional support dog life and grief
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2 responses to “Grief and Life”

  1. marianallen Avatar
    marianallen

    I understand what you mean about the grief being a comfort. I still feel like the stronger the wave of grief, the more present he is. Unhealthy? Probably. We’re all working through it together, helping each other move to a healthier relationship with our loss.

    Reply
    1. The Blue Widow Avatar
      The Blue Widow

      I feel this so hard. The wave is a reminder we aren’t forgetting them. I think it’s so important to talk about it. So many feelings and thoughts and emotions I start to think I’m crazy until I hear someone else’s story.

      Reply

Tell Me Something Good

About Me and My Grief Journey

My grief journey began in the Summer of 2020. I became a widow overnight. Without warning, my entire life was turned upside down, broken into pieces I didn’t know how to put back together. Writing became my anchor—my way to breathe, process, and heal, even in small, fractured moments.

After losing Eric, I was diagnosed with PTSD, complicated grief, and an anxiety disorder. For a long time, I was paralyzed by my own emotions. I traveled across the U.S. for over two years, mostly alone, learning how to carry myself through the aftermath of sudden loss.

Along the way, I found love again. Greg became an important part of my life, bringing companionship, laughter, and even new challenges. Losing him to suicide has been another unimaginable heartbreak that shapes much of what I write here. Through it all, my emotional support animals —Odin (dog) and Freija (cat)— keep me grounded and remind me there is still love, life, and care to give.

I moved and now reside in Chicago, Illinois. This city, this home, is my space to rebuild, to grieve, and to explore who I am beyond loss.

What you will find here

This blog started as a place to house my writing. Over time, it’s become much more. Here, I reflect on grief, healing, and the messy, beautiful, often difficult journey of life after sudden loss. I write about my day-to-day experiences, the struggles and triumphs with my diagnoses, and anything else that captures my heart and attention.

My journey on podcasts

Many of my articles are available in podcast form on Spotify and Amazon Music. I welcome your comments—I love feedback. Let’s share this journey together, and maybe find adventure along the way.

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