From What to Expect to What NOT
I realized after I published Part 1 of “What to expect when you ARE in mourning“, I left a few things out. Although I did touch on some physical expectations, I completely missed the massive emotional and mental aspect. So here is Part II. I’m calling this one What NOT to expect when you are in mourning.
The Mental Part
The first thing I can tell you not to expect, is to be the same person again. Ever. There are moments in one’s life that completely change and define you. Losing someone close is one of those moments. The closer the soul, the more of a marker in time a death becomes. There is only before and after.
Second, do not expect to make rational decisions. My thought process was completely driven by the intense emotions I was feeling. I definitely wasn’t clear headed. Nothing meant anything to me and material possessions from a life I no longer had were worthless. I got rid of almost all possessions in one way or another. I don’t recommend doing so alone. This decision turned out alright for my situation but again. I don’t recommend it for the first year.
The Emotional Part
Thirdly, emotions were uncontrollable for a while. I did not expect this and I couldn’t hide them. I’ve gotten better though. But for what seemed like a long while, they quickly went from rage, to sadness, to indifference all within a short span of time. I felt stunned most of the time. Disbelief and confusion filled in the rest. I remember saying I know it happened, but I just can’t believe it happened.
The next thing I didn’t expect was the desparate longing that kicks in. Along with the emptiness. I believe this is part of the bargaining stage. Desparation to have just one more moment of that perfect peace with your loved one still with you. It’s there, you can almost grasp it. But the peace is never within reach. Don’t expect to ever fill the void your loved one left. This is the one feeling time will never heal. This feeling creeps in again. And again. And again. When it’s least expected. Triggered over a thought, a memory, a gesture. This is the wave that’s often talked about. The tidal wave of grief.
The Physical Part
Finally, don’t expect grief and mourning to just be emotional. I wasn’t prepared for the physical manifestations that came along. The side effects of grief and in my case, sudden loss. The pain is intense. Deep physical pain that never really goes away. Time just teaches how to mask it better. My energy level declined. I don’t think it will ever be what it was but I am finding ways to cope.
Last but certainly not least, I’m going to speak strictly about widowhood. Don’t expect your life to resemble anything close to what it did before. Ever. Widowhood changes everything. From self care, to the way I eat. The biggest realization was that I was alone in taking care of myself. I lost the comfort in those intimate life moments. The ones when I had someone there. Always knowing where I was. The constant daily conversations. Gave way to a huge, hollow void.
The Opportunity That Awaits
In the end of the list, of what not to expect while mourning. I would like to leave you with a message of hope. For in my grief I see possibility. In what’s left of my life now, I see opportunity. Opportunity I never would have thought possible. Because in all of my loss, came a freedom. I am free to do things I would have never done before.
My final words are…don’t expect good things NOT to happen. When I lost everything, anything seemed possible. With all of the mental and physical scars I still had to live each day. And only I could determine how that day would be. My therapist said the most profound words that stuck with me, even today. “The only one stopping you, is you.” So I leave you with this, take a chance. Do one thing you have always wanted to do whether it be by yourself or with someone else. I know it’s scary. Just do it. You’ll thank me later.
Thanks for reading. I love you all. xxooC
Tell Me Something Good